Thursday, April 15, 2010

Guilt trip...

Hubby dearest is still away on work trip....bored of watching TV right now....Ridhwan is sound asleep as usual...so bored...so decided to blog then..heheee...hmmm, funny ya, bored only want to blog....anyway, since I'm feeling much better than 3 months ago..enegry wise back to nearly normal...sleepiness, only when too tired...nausea, comes and go....well..looking forward for the next few months, Insya-Allah...

As the heading says...guilt trip...oh i was heading towards the worse emotional breakdown I have ever had in my life...u see, I never really planned to have another one that soon..well I did tell myself that Ridhwan is going to be 5 this year, and I think that gap is quite big enough already between him and if there was going to be another sibling...but looking at his walking progress, I was worried...worried if I wouldn't be able to take him to therapy and all...I'll be concentrating more on the baby...well, those few days of these guilt trip then suddenly made me think....hmm, its near that time of the month...and yet, these emotional outbreaks is waaay different from normal....and then I thought, could I be pregnant??! Yup, instinct was right...I checked and I was!! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the results but then I was crying in tears of happiness thinking Allah is giving me another chance to be a mother again, and to me that is such a wonderful rezeki which secretly in my heart I wanted and alhamdulillah, the plan that I pictured in my mind only and even never expressed it to hubby is becoming a reality..Insya-Allah....

Well, so much for tears of happiness...then the tears of guilt came!! Woohoo!! The last 3 months was hard for me...not only because it was pregnancy 101 again....nearly 5 years is a long gap you know...you have forgotten about the hormonal changes in your body and your emotions! You forgot about the vomitting and nausea...you forgot also you can suddenly put your head on the dinner table and end up snoring away..while having dinner!! hahaha...yes. that happened to me!...then you forgot about the 'i can't smell that..it makes me want to....uweeeeek!!'...the running to the bathroom episodes...yup, the so-called 1st trimester ya ;) hahaha..

But what really got to me was the fact my energy was at it lowest...and the one thing that broke my heart so much was the fact that I couldn't carry Ridhwan anymore :( huwaaa.. that made me cry a lot...you see, despite having a maid, my mom's maid actually..yaya, still staying with parents :P ...the maid hardly touch Ridhwan..never actually! Everything to do with Ridhwan from bathing him, feeding him, playing with him, reading to him, therapy him...well almost everything was done by me...and since he has yet to put his left feet down and enable him to walk normaly...well, the walking is pretty much done by me with carrying him here and there....and to make matters worse...he sensed it...sob...sob...he suddenly realises his mother won't carry him when he cries in his cot..doesn't give him bath anymore cause was too weak and always wanting to throw up...doesn't bring him to the study room to play cum therapy him like usual...doesn't carry him and dance with him when we hear to our favourite songs....don't sing to him and have a conversation with him as much as before....gosh, just writting this makes me want to cry...sob...sob...I guess, taking care of him all these years by myself most of the time, really hit me how much I am so close to him and when he sense I don't do that anymore to him, he gets upset....cried a lot...head banging a lot...sigh...and to add upon it...with my hormones, I was crying away too most of the time...sigh....

Not only was that guilt trip heading towards depression of not being able to take care of your son as usual...then the guilt trip headed towards feeling guilty of not giving him his usual therapy as usual...no strength to stretch his legs as usual...no energy to show his flashcards....don't even feel like going to SDMC to bring him to therapy!! Oh yes...the last 3 months was really hard for me...that darn guilt trip...

However, alhamdulillah I am much much better now....hormones really can mess up your mind sometimes ya ;) heheee....but thinking back, I should have foreseen this actually, knowing that 1st trimester is never easy on any woman, be it a mother with a normal child and even with a special child like me..as hubby said to me, don't be so hard on myself...the months will pass by and I'll be 'normal' again..but then again, I guess it was my expectations that drove me to near depression last few months...wanting to therapy him and make him walk fast...worrying about which school to bring him and suddenly realising, yes i can drive him to a school but I can't carry him anymore!! ..Well, I should have expected these but somehow those hormones clouded my brain and crying and feeling sorry for oneself and Ridhwan was the main agenda last 3 months..oh the things we woman go through ya ;)

Well, Inysa-Allah and alhamdulillah I am not feeling guilty anymore, thank god for that...I tell myself, no ones prefect and yes, every mother want to give their best to their children and especially to a special need child...but Allah works in many way, there is a big hikmah somewhere I'm sure why after nearly 5 years only Allah gave me a rezeki again, and coincidently when I needed to do a surgery which is on hold now...that for me is a real big hikmah in itself...and also, maybe it is time to give Ridhwan a friend and to add my family :D and I have accepted that its not going to be an easy task juggling baby and my dear special son...but as I told myself once long ago when Ridhwan was in ICU..La Takhzan, La Takhaf, Innallah Ma'ana....Don't be sad, don't worry, Allah is with us...and girl, imprint this in that mind of yours!!! cause it is true isn't it...whatever happens it is in the will of Allah and we can and must pray so what the future holds for us, we will face it with redha, persevarance and as strong as we can...Insya-Allah...yup, I think I'm back...not going to be same though, as in physically...hehee...but no matter what, I shall give what I can to Ridhwan with whatever energy and strength I have...and may Allah always be with me and Ridhwan....and also to dear baby in tummy....wallahualam...

Oh, a dear friend, who I miss so much, sms this to me recently...and I'd like to share this with all the Supermoms with special children out there who is reading this entry...it made me cry a tear....but it made me smile too..

"...lagi salute ibu-ibu yang ada anak special sebab Allah sendiri yang mengiktiraf kehebatan ibu-ibu ini sebab kalau tak ibunya istimewa, taklah Allah beri anak-anak ini kepada mereka kan..."

2 comments:

|| mrs. BuBu || said...

kak reenaz, yeay! an entry again from you. lama tak jenguk sini, bila ada peluang nak jumpa ridhwan? ;)

Mamapinkie said...

ha ah...sori lama menyepi...1st trimester sungguh malas nak buat apa2x pun...tu lah, kalau supermoms ada buat gathering lagi jemputlah akak sekali yea, insya-Allah kali ni akan diusahakan jugak untuk menghadiri cause dah stable skit ini badan, kalau idak asyik melepek and nak muntah aje lak dibuatnya...hehee