Kebesaran Allah....

I've always enjoyed listening to nasyid songs..and this is one of my favourites, probably because of the background singers are children and also maybe because its such a simple song that makes u think and listen about the greatness of Allah....I must say I am very thankful that I went to UIA cause it is there that I was exposed to nasyid songs. Maybe in the younger days of my life, nasyid songs were not very appealing to me as I'd picture the usual men and women singing in the TV with masjid shah alam or other masjid as the background, and thus the lyrics are good but maybe the way they sang was a bit monotonous..or I was just to young to appreciate it...However, when I studied in UIA I was amazed and loved each time we had a nasyid performance in UIA..it was there to I realised how my hubby could sing so well, and sort of fell in love with him...hehe...yup, that's how long I've known him...but it wasn't just his singing or our brothers singing that made me love nasyid but the very words and beat to the nasyid that captured my heart...and it was interesting it was at that time the nasyid industry evolve with the appearance of Raihan, Rabbani, Brothers, Saujana, Nowseeheart and many more...there were many songs that moved my heart such as Lagu Untuk Ibu by Brothers..till now the song have an impact to my heart and soul as it was this song that made me cry every time I listened to it as it tells about the hardship and sacrifices a mother carries for her children...and that made me thought about my mother and how much she has sacrifice so much of herself for her children....and the song brought me tears thinking about my mother....till now it also made me thing about my own responsibility to my son with special needs and it makes me stronger to one to be that wonderful mother the song talks about....

Lagu untuk Ibu by Brothers

Seorang Wanita
Bermahkota Ibu
Menggenggam Jari-Jari Kecil
Ikatan Ini Tidak Kan Terurai
Kerna Tautan Ini
Tautan Darah dan Akidah
Dan Rahmat Dari Allah

Kini Ibu
Peganglah Tanganku Ini
Biar Kubawa
Ibu Menjelajah
Hasil Titik Peluhmu
Biar Kubawa
Kealam Ku
Hasil Ukiranmu
Selama Ini

Dodoianmu Ibu
Membina Benteng Pemisah
Antara Yang Hak Dan Yang Batil
Membakar Semangat Perjuangan
Mengait Kasih Pada Junjungan Tercinta
Tersujud Lemah
Mengabdi Diri
Kepada Yang Esa

Jika Belum Pernah
Kau Dengar Ucapan Terima Kasihku
Ketahuilah Doaku Ini
Moga Tuhan Menyayangimu
Sepertimana Kau Mengasihiku
Dari Dulu Hingga Kini
Untuk Selama-Lamanya

Then the one song that made me smile till now is another song sung by brothers entitled Teman Sejati...this song had an impact to most of the sisters and brothers of my batch as the videoclip of the song was done in UIA Gombak campus and at that time there were some of us who had gone to UIA earlier as they were the express ones, or we were the one who had to repeat some papers..hahaa...i can't believe i have a masters now...well, at that time we were so looking forward to go to the main campus and reunite with our other friends there and that song made us long to go to the gombak campus even more :D ...anyway, the song itself is very good as the lyrics shows what a teman sejati is all about and I must say I met some 'teman sejati' in UIA and I miss and love them all very much...to my sisters engine and to 606 gals, this songs is a special dedication to all of u my teman sejati...

Teman Sejati by Brothers

Selama ini
Kumencri-cari
Teman yang sejati
Buat menemani
Perjuangan suci

Bersyukur kini
PadaMu Illahi
Teman yang dicari
Selama ini
Telah kutemui

Dengannya di sisi
Perjuangan ini
Senang diharungi
Bertambah murni
Kasih Illahi
KepadaMu Allah
Kupanjatkan doa
Agar berkekalan
Kasih sayang kita

Kepadamu teman
Ku pohon sokongan
Pengorbanan dan pengertian
Telah kuungkapkan
Segala-galanya...

KepadaMu Allah
Kupohon restu
Agar kita kekal bersatu
Kepadamu teman
Teruskan perjuangan
Pengorbanan dan kesetiaan
Telah kuungkapkan
Segala-galanya
Itulah tandanya
Kejujuran kita

Last but not least, one of the favourites, I dedicate this song to all of u..may Allah be with all of you always...hidup nasyid! hehee...wallahualam...

Kebesaran Allah by Rabbani

La Ilaha Illallah ( 3X )
Muhammadur Rasulullah

Pandanglah Lihatlah
Sebutlah Zikrullah
Kebesaran Allah
Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah

Saujana Alam Indah
Semua Ciptaan Allah
Untuk kita HambaNya
Marilah Kita Fikirkan

Miskin Dan Kaya
Tua Dan Muda
Taat Sebagai Hamba
Berserah KepadaNya

Kita Di Dunia
Hanya Sementara
Beramal Bersedia
Untuk Bekalan Di Sana

Pandanglah Lihatlah
Sebutlah Zikrullah
Kebesaran Allah
Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah

NikmatNya Saban Hari
Semua Dapat Merasa
Kasih Sayang Diberi
Marilah Kita Syukuri

Tuesday's with Morrie

I just watched a movie at Hallmark channel on Astro, actually I didn't even finish watching it as I thought enough TV for tonite. Anyway, the movie was entitled 'Tuesday's with Morrie'. I've watched the advert for the movie a few times on Hallmark channel but never really bothered to want to watch it as I thought it would be one of those movies about the relationship between an old man(a teacher) and a young man(his student). But after watching the movie a few minutes, I then realise that this movie had touched my heart and made me cry. I am quite fond of touchy feely movie actually but this one really touched my heart as he talked about fear and death. The one part of the movie that really touched me was the scene when Mitch(the young man) asked Morrie(the teacher@old man) how does he go through each day smilling and being happy...does he not worry or get scared knowing that he is dying(yes, he was dying, he has this condition called Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis(ALS or also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease)..) Well..his answer touched my heart instantly as it reminded me of 'my' own fear and 'my' feelings whenever I think about Ridhwan's condition...Morrie's answer was...he said he'd get up in the morning when everyone is still asleep and the feeling of anger, rage, sadness all comes up to him and he just dwell in it and tells himself, what has he ever done to deserve this condition, why is this happening to him...But then, after just immersing himself in those feelings, he'd tell himself...enough feeling sorry and pity for himself, he can't feel sorry for himself the whole time..and so he told himself, enough pitiness for one day...lets get a move on with life...

And you know what..that was what I felt intially when Ridhwan was placed in the ICU only when he was 4 days old....I kept blaming myself for not seeing that he was not well even when we came back..his crying was different, not of wanting milk badly but more oh whinning as if in pain or something...and so the blame myself session takes into place...but Alhamdulillah...even in the condition when you have just delivered, normal delivery..and the after pain of delivery was still there..I just gathered enough courage and strength to push myself to go to the hospital each day to visit Ridhwan in the ICU when there were times I just felt like fainting on the wheelchair(I couldn't and didn't have the strength to walk to the ICU..) and even was shivering endlessly in the ICU ..now I know why they have these tungku hot things and you are told to wear socks.....and yet, I just couldn't not even one day not go and see my wonderful son in the ICU...I just couldn't bring myself to just stay at home and 'get well' as everyone told me to and not go see the face of my son in the ICU....I just couldn't...but I thank Allah for giving me that strength to face each day in my condition as I never regretted to push my body to the limit as Ridhwan remembers..remembers?...yes, he remembers the day we both were looking out the window in the ICU and I told Ridhwan "Look Ridhwan, those are clouds out there...aren't they beautiful..mama loves to look at clouds cause it reminds me how great is Allah work to be able to make such beautiful clouds and its shapes and sizes..and if you really sit still you can actually see them moving...." ...yup, I kept on saying that whenever he opened his eyes while he was lying on the small incubator in the ICU...and to my surprise after we came back home after being in the ICU and being warded for nearly 11 days, totalling 21 days Ridhwan was in the hospital...I told Ridhwan to look up and see the clouds...and he did...he was looking at them and sometimes later he smiled...and till today, he loves looking outside and look to the sky..maybe thinking of the time his mother told him never to stopped worrying or get scared as I was there, even if for a short time everyday...but I will be there and Allah is always there....and maybe because of my presence each day even for a short while, made him have strength and hope to fight whatever pain he was facing...and whenever I came to see him , his heart beat would increase as I slowly talked to him.....

And so, when I saw Morrie crying and talking about how sorry he feels for himself each day in the morning but then he'd spring into life again and live life to the fullest..it reminds me of myself how i've supressed my sadness or feeling of desperation whenever I feel lost as I know and believe that no matter how bad it seems I can never look back but I must march forward and be the best to myself and Ridhwan.....for his sake I have to be strong and show him how much I love, care and have faith in him....Morrie, you reminded me today again that life should be kept simple and sweet and most of all embraced with a happy heart and hope..always hope for the best....I thank my mother for her strength, as I believe, what I am today and how strong I am today is thanks to her as she never stopped loving her children with all her might and kept us her priorities all the time and was even willing to sacrifice a career for our future...and mama, thank you for believing in me even when times I feel that it gets so bleak...you are my strength mama and my hope...and 'I' hope that I too one day will be the 'hope' for Ridhwan to be what he is meant to be, and that is...the best for himself....wallahualam...

Chapter 2: How to feed your child with the g-tube

Sorry for the delay my friends..I wanted to post this blog earlier but was busy spring cleaning our store room filled with MY stuff..hehe..yup, its suppose to be the 'family' store room but ended up being MY store room, anyway, alhamdulillah we have or I have gotten rid of whatever is necessary and now I am ready to move into my new house and move the junk there pulak! hahaha..anyway, this is the continuation of tube feeding with ridhwan....

Initially I have shown to you how a g-button would look like in a child's stomach and the apparatus needed to feed. Today, I shall show you exactly how the tube would be inserted into the button or Bard button here. There's many types of button, somehow Ridhwan's surgeon prefer this Bard button to Mic-Key Button...hehee..yes, i thought at first it was Mickey Mouse button ya? And said to myself, ooh, I'd like that one, could be cute! ....No, its not Mickey mouse or Disney's number one mouse... its Mic-Key, guess the key means something I suppose. Anyway, the button as shown yesterday is where we insert the tube to feed and attached the syringe to it.

I still remember when Ridhwan was in the hospital after the gastrostomy surgery, he was fine the next day after the surgery, though a bit groggy and tired, but he was actually smilling and kept laughing away every few hours. Of course it was nice to see him smile and laugh and yet I thought it was weird as Ridhwan before this does not go on laughing and laughing every few hours and he just had a surgery... Even our paed was surprise and entertained that Ridhwan was jovial the whole day. She, for once smiled more often to Ridhwan and I. Not that she doensn't smile at all or much..but she's been quite serious with us past few month or the whole year or so...probably worrying away about Ridhwan's seizures not improving at that time..as it is, at the time he was warded with pneumonia, he was having infatile spams, and that was one of the most critical seizure a child or adult would not want to have. If you read the facts about infantile spasm, as a mother, you'cd cry at the very thought of every fits your child has during the spams, and the amount of brain cells being damaged because of the spasm... :( but alhamdulillah all those are gone now...

Anyway, where was I? Oh ya, steps in feeding Ridhwan with the g-button..oh what I wanted to tell was, the day after Ridhwan was laughing the whole time...the next day had to be the worse day for me and definitely Ridhwan...he cried...and cried...and screamed..the whole 24 hours....it was a nightmare to me..and so was to the paed, surgeon and especially the nurses...he was sedated to the fullest as it is and he never stopped crying..as I am typing this, I can't help crying a tear thinking that the day had to be the worse day of my life as nobody..i repeat, nobody knew what to do...he was given panadol through suppository, his seizures medication was increased...he was even given pethidine! Imagine that! That medicine is given to mothers who are in need of pain relief during delivery...and yet...he kept on crying and crying...as a mother, it broke my heart each time he cried and cried and he only stopped for the most one hour as he was tired...tired of crying..and then he cried again...sigh...

That whole day even my mother could not go home in peace..and not to mention my hubby too, worrying away what is causing Ridhwan this crying frenzy..as we were very worried that his crying was due to the gastrostomy surgery..even our surgeon had to do another endoscopy to check...alhamdulillah, when he checked it was nothing..but again, accompanying Ridhwan into the surgery theater was agonizing..once again, after sending Ridhwan into the theater and leaving him there..I broke down in tears praying hard that nothing was wrong and whatever scarry story the surgeon told me intially before the endoscopy are just assumptions..mere assumptions...alhamdulillah, the surgeon showed me the endoscopy video and he said it was all fine....ya Allah, Allah only knew the pain and the worry I had to go through at that time...and to top it of, I was starting my new semester that time..it was crucial to me as it was the beginning of the semester and classes were already starting...and in masters classes, they can't wait for you as the lectures are shorter as compared to undergrad students...or in other words compressed...but alhamdulillah, I completed it....i actually completed it! thank you Allah...

So, I thank Allah for giving me strength in time of hardships...and thank you so much to my hubby and especially my parents for believing in me that I could complete my masters and even completed it with flying colours, yup, got my results, its good, to my expectations that is...thank you to my family and my family in-law for praying for me too and especially for praying for Ridhwan...your support have been an inspiration to me..and most all, Ridhwan my love, YOU are my inspiration...

So, off we go to our tube feeding part 2 session ya...

Place the tube into the bard button as shown below..as you can see, there is a clamp there to clamp the tube during feeding or after


Another view of the button, the tube and the clamp...tissue is to prevent the excess milk or water from wetting ridhwan and the bed

The syringe inserted into the tube..this is where the milk and water will be poured into


This is how the water would look inside the syringe..the 60 mL syringe...usually, I would put around 10 mL for 'flushing' proces...yes, teringat toilet kan..hahaa...


Now, the syringe filled with milk...so first pour around 10 ml of water to flush the button, then pour the milk..so selalu 60 mL then tambah another 60 mL..until the required intake

This is how the milk looks like when i goes through the tube to the button...


Nie flushing again, to make sure the milk does not get clogged up in the button..nauzubillah..


The stopper or whatever they call it to ensure no milk get out of the tube during taking out of the tube from the button..handy thing...


Ish ...ish..ridhwan pun nak tolong mama cabutkan tube yea...takpalah Ridhwan, biar mama cabutkan yea...this always scares me as now he knows how to grab the button and nauzubillah dia cabutkan the button, no, don want!..


One contented boy..hehee...

So, here is the 2nd part or final part of tube feeding by Ridhwan's mama...its not easy to feed him sometimes as he tends to get reflux(feeling of wanting to throw up, u know, when u were pregnant and wanted to throw up but nothing comes out) and i know eventhough he doesn't cry, he is in pain, as a tear will come out from his eyes after the reflux :( ...but you are a strong boy my son and I have faith in you....we both shall rise above others!! oops, bunyi macam apa aje lak yea..hehee...

okay, that's all for now...more stories to come...maybe pics of ridhwan's physio and occupational therapy..and maybe speech..so check it out ya!

Introduction to tube feeding..

Puan2x dan tuan2x, hari ini saya akan sediakan bahan2x yang harus digunakan untuk feed anak anda yang ada g-tube atau nama panjangnya gastrostomy tube...hehee..macam ajar masak2x lak yea...

Today I thought of showing everyone what exactly is a g-tube for short or a gastrostomy tube is...Ridhwan had undergone a gastrostomy tube on 5th July this year and alhamdulillah thanks to the tube, Ridhwan's weight at last is at par with his height and the best news of all is his fits/seizures are finally gone..yes gone for good...gone are the days that I keep worrying when he'd wake up from his sleep with eyes flickering and hands twitching...yes, do watch out for these my friends if your toddler may show signs like these when he is more than 6 months, no, babies after 6 months should show no twitching behaviour anymore as their system should be stable by that age.

Anyway, I've taken images of feeding ridhwan through the tube. And decided to explain a bit how I've been feeding Ridhwan through this tube since July. Initally it was painful, not to Ridhwan that is but to me as it hurst to put a tube through his stomach and also wondering how long is this going to go on, feeding my son through the tube and straight to the stomach. However, after awhile, I get use to it and even the nurses were amaze with my skill when Ridhwan had to go to day surgery to to cotorization or getting rid of his granulation tissues around his g-tube. Yes, such bombastic words ya..hehe..trust me, after awhile, when you're a mother to a cerebral palsy child with a g-tube, you tend to memorize by heart all these medical terms and meaning. Even when you visit GPs, they will be amaze with your knowledge...heck, I have too, who else is going to know about my son's condition but myself right?

And so, our lessons starts, what is this gastrostomy tube all about?

GASTROSTOMY TUBES
Gastrostomy tubes are feeding tubes placed through the abdomen into the stomach. Gastrostomy tubes are used to give children formula, liquids, and medicines. These tubes are placed by a Pediatric Gastroenterologist or by a Pediatric Surgeon. A gastrostomy tube is placed one of two ways, 1) percutaneously (this is called a PEG) and 2) surgically.

PERCUTANEOUS (PEG) TUBES
A PEG Tube, or Percutaneous Endoscopic Gastrostomy tube, is placed by a Pediatric Gastroenterologist in the operating room. The PEG tube is inserted using a telescopic instrument, called an endoscope. The endoscope is a small tube with a light and camera on the end that lets the Gastroenterologist see into the esophagus (food tube) and stomach. The endoscope allows the doctor to choose the best location in the stomach to place the PEG tube. Once the location is chosen, a small opening is made on the outside of abdomen into the stomach. After the opening is made, the top part of the PEG tube is pulled up out of the stomach through this opening. The top of the tube rests on the skin and the bottom part of the PEG, which is shaped like bulb, remains inside the stomach. This bulb shape anchors the tube in the stomach and prevents it from coming out.

After the PEG tube is placed your child will be admitted to the hospital for observation and care. The hospital stay is usually three days. Prior to the procedure, an IV (intravenous line) will be placed in the operating room. This will be used to give fluids, antibiotics and pain medication, for one to two days, as your child is recovering. Feedings will be started through the PEG tube within one or two days.

PEG tube

Who needs a gastrostomy?

Children require gastrostomy feeding tubes for a variety of reasons. The primary indication for gastrostomy is the child's inability to take adequate nutrition or liquids by mouth for growth and development. The reasons why the child is unable to take proper nutrition can be developmental, mechanical, or secondary to other health problems.

A small, flexible, hollow tube (catheter) with a balloon or flared tip is inserted into the stomach. The stomach is stitched closed around the tube and the incision is closed.

So, there you have it, a little summary of g-tube and who needs them. The above picture shows how the tube really looks like in the stomach. Yes, my dear friends, this is what Ridhwan has in his stomach, and now that he's learning to grab things slowly, I am so afraid that he may pull it out of his stomach cause many times he has tried to pull it lightly...nauzubillah nya....so, this is how the milk will go directly in his stomach as he does not want to drink milk in his mouth like other normal children should...

Ridhwan getting ready for feeding..tembamnya anak mama nie...hehee

The g-button in ridhwan's stomach..its purple in colour as I had to put gentian violet(pronounced like "gen" in "gentoo" not gentian as in "gen" in "genting" in malay, ridhwan paed laughed at me when i pronounced it as in gentian..cet sabor aje") to prevent the granulation tissue from growing more. Oh, the straight cut scar in the middle of ridhwan's abdomen is the surgery for fundoplication of his ..umm..darn, was it esofagus or intestine..one of it lah, will get back to that later....hehee...ridhwan's paed said that ridhwan's scar will not heal fast and tends to look like that, tertimbul, so if ridhwan needs to be operated(nauzubillah) , we need to tell them that he scars this way to the surgeon or whomever related.

next, we have one bottle of milk..usually around 6 ounces or 5

Air masak is also a must for the tube feeding

next, the kidney pan to put the tubes and sryinge after use

then, of course one of the most important apparatus in feeding is the syringe, the 60 ml syringe by terumo..good brand


then last but not least is the tube, there are 3 different types of tube..can't remember what's the name if this one, but each has its function, like decompression, feeding for liquid only and feeing for solids, well not really solid, like fine cereal with milk that is


oh, i forgot, and a box of tissues, yes, it can get quite wet and messy sometimes...

Okay, time to nite2x now and also ridhwan's feeding time, yup, through the button and tube. Will continue more soon...

At last its all over!!!

Assalamualaikum my frens...i have finally finished my masters!! yahoo..i still can't believe it, that i have gone through these 2 years...which could have been 1 and 1/2 years...after all the pain and crying and exhaustion a mother to a special needs child had to go through...its finally done...its all over...

though, i'm not really looking forward to my results this sem...ya Allah, please let me lepas sume yea..but all in all..i'm glad its done for! and right now, i'm just looking forward to graduate next year in april, Insya-Allah, wear nice clothes and shoes for the convo! hahahaa...tu aje pun tengah fikir nie..

and now...drum roll please.....its all about Ridhwan! yes, ladies and gentlemen, now that I have all the time that I want to myself, the time goes to my young hero, my son, Ridhwan..

had a few series of follow up check-up with the paed, surgeon and rehab doctor last few weeks ...and its all about ridhwan and what am I going to do! Yup, my days to come is solely for ridhwan and his development. Ridhwan alhamdulillh is now 17 months old..when I think back, he has gone through a lot, and I owe to him my time, my effort and my love to ensure that he starts to sit on his own, walk and most importantly, eat and suck a bottle like a normal child should be...

many relatives and friends came by during the raya nie..and many knew about ridhwan's condition and yet many too did not know..but those who knew, I thank them for their concerns and help especailly suggesting whom to meet and what to do..their advice and help have been such a relief and a big help to me..thanks to you all....

It also made me think that now, its not about me anymore, but about Ridhwan as its doesn't matter if I get first class for my masters and do well last sem IF ridhwan is still not able to eat normally and walk like any other toddler his age...that right now, is so much more important...

So, as of last week, my days are packed..everyday it would be Shichida flash cards time, and all the other right brain activities I can play with him...then there would be the Occupational Therapy with Aziah every friday...I always enjoy that session cause I have someone to share my worries, hope and future with...and now we have a fortnight speech therapy session with Aini and weekly physiotherapy session with Sarjit.

I have yet to meet Sarjit, but from my rehab dr. or ridhwan's rehab dr. recommendation, she should be able to help Ridhwan...insya-Allah.....Aini, I've met her a few times already, so it should be nice to see her again after quite a long time..yup, last time I met her was when ridhwan was in the hospital for pneumonia and the gastrostomy surgery...

It is also now, I can equip myself with more knowledge about Ridhwan's condition and also maybe do some been put on hold old hobbies of mine..but whatever it is, Ridhwan would still be number one priority....so, wish me luck, its not going to be easy..its all hard work too just like my masters but its worth every time, money and effort cause its for my young hero...ya Allah, may you guide me to the right path and give me strength in times of hardship or sadness...wallahualam....

Lynda and Family beraya..

On Friday 27th October 2006, Lynda and her "heros", yup all three of them came to my house for raya. As usual, I had the priviledge of their company every year ever since I graduated or actually we all graduated. Though, as years passed by, it got even more interesting as once only the couple came now it is a family that comes!It was also very nice to see the boys, Irfan and Azfar all grown up, if I were to recall from last year that is..and so to see them slowly growing up, makes me smile to myself and realise how times flies so fast and my friends are all slowly getting married and having children of their own. Wow! How we've grown up compared to our good old days in UIA ya..

Ridhwan too had fun having the boys in our house or should I say my mom's house, as it was a form of stimulation for Ridhwan to see other children his age or older. Though, being siblings it is interesting to see that Irfan and Azfar played together and yet played on their own most of the time. Unlike my nephews the twins who plays with each other more compared to playing on their own. Anyway, Ridhwan was his usual pleasant self, looking away at the boys playing with his toys, nasib baik tak mengamuk anak mama when they played with his toys... though I laughed at one time as Lynda wanted to pray and Azfar was crying away beacuse his mama was not paying attention to him and so my little boy was laughing away in his cot hearing Azfar crying..sabor aje anak mama nie..hehe..

Anyway, it was great to have you Lynda and family. I think its about time we sisters engine get together and bond again just like the goold old days kan..Thanks for coming to the house, Insya-Allah we'll be visiting you soon too kay! ;o) Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin!!

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one more subject to go and I'm still lazy...sigh..

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri! Maaf zahir dan batin...ALhamdulillah, it is now Syawal. how time flies so fast when your are having fun and not having fun...yup, not having fun is when you have to go through one more subject before officially telling oneself that you are free...totally free from assignments and projects...hmm..

Probably as I am still in raya mood, I am proud to say that I have yet to complete my special topics report..boohooo...darn, why am I still so lazy to complete it...here I am nearly half asleep..well not so asleep as I can still type in my blog right, but sleepy enough to fall asleep on this laptop...and yet I am not trying my best to maximize my time to complete a very important report which carries 3 credits...I should be freaking out as I need to send it by this 31st october...and I MUST or SHOULD be meeting my supervisor before sending in the report, and yet, yes, and yet...I still can't seem to gather the will power to complete it or at least be proud that I have completed 70% of the report...maybe I work best under pressure or last minute...but thinking about it, I shouldn't and I must be mad to do last minute work...however, the real truth is..I'm sick and tired of looking at the topic as I feel it really is something that I never intended to do...special topics that is..maybe because I have set my mind that this masters was fully coursework and no thesis or research work, when suddenly, I now have to do a small, very small thesis or more of research work and thus cause myself to get demotivated at the utmost level...Anger, frustration, exhaustion gets to me everytime I even look at an article concerning the special topics report...or maybe I am just overwhelmed at times at the expectation of my supervisor who expects me to do very well in this report, thus pressuring me to instead of feeling just do my best, I am feeling, I better do my best...or else...

This is where expectations to oneself and from others can drive oneself mad or even make oneself give up even before starting...hmmm...but I should never let this feeling deter me from at least completing what I've begun..as my husband said "Who cares what they think of you or expect from you, just finish it and just do it..." In a way my darling hubby is right, maybe I've been so pressured with giving input to myself to do "very well" this semester that I have forgotten that initially it was all about what the minimum target that I should achieve and not what others expect or think of me...i was once an average student, and I think I still am...maybe I worked harder this time and so alhamdulillah my grades are better now...but I shouldn't let other people expectations towards me make me feel bad or scared that I might not fulfill their expectations..so fine, everyone screws up once in a while...you can't win them all...yup, so here's to me...just do your best to myself...don't let anyone's expectation get to you, let them think what they want of you...as Nike says, "Just do it!" , and settle it once and for all...yup....do it in the name of Allah and insya-Allah, He will guide you and with patience and faith....and to ketupat and kuih raya, you are still in my top list...haahhaa...all work and no food makes me one boring and over stressed mama...hehee..wallahualam...

testing flickr...KL Biotech Iftar with Anak2x Yatim

Flash Slideshow

Majlis Berbuka Puasa di KLBiotech Manufacturing Sdn. Bhd.

Last Sunday, I had the chance to go for my first iftar session for this whole ramadhan...i was actually quite upset that I couldn't join my hubby's office iftar at Putrajaya Marriot last week..ya, why cannot go? why? apa salahnya bawak spouse?!! hehe...those were the questions I bombarded my hubby, when in actually fact, I shouldn't be going and did not go anyway cause I was busy finishing up my take home test, compiler programming, wireless group project and cryptography term paper's presentation slides...fuih, alhamdulillah i've completed it all...so, when I heard that my brother was conducting an iftar for anak yatim again but at his new office this year...i was estatic! but that was after my hubby decided not to go back to his hometown as his wife was miserable and complaining away that she does not have any time to do her work in the morning....its true...sort of...i finally realise that being a mother, and feeling guilty not stimulating my son who needs lots of stimulating because of his condition..does not help this masters student...maybe if ridhwan's development was normal, I would have not felt that guilty and mabe just left him all alone..that's even worse kan...but, alhamdulillah last week is over and now i can concentrate on the 'big one'..

anyway, before I actually start and complete 'the big one', attending an iftar by my brother's company was something to look forward too..who wouldn't! as it is, I didn't sleep the whole night on saturday, well maybe for one hour, that is after sahur..slept at 6 am and woke up at 7 am..then continued completing my wireless group project presentation slides..sume last minute, but alhamdulillah my lecturer liked it...can get A for that ka? hehee... so, after such a hectic weekend, a night out with my family and anak2x yatim was something you don't do that often and should be cherished..

last year, I also had a chance to attend the anak2x yatim iftar at Concorde Hotel by my brother's company..it was a nice occasion as we rarely go out at night as Ridhwan was only 4 months old at that time and the thought of 'meraikan' anak2x yatim really touched my heart...it even touched my heart that my brother was quite selfless and has a very good heart to actually want to do such events...alhamdulillah his company is doing very well and rezeki melimpah, so what better way to enjoy his reap by sharing it with anak2x yatim...

last year event was wonderful as it gave me a chance to talk to some of the anak2x yatim and also we were entertained by a nasyid group from the children...and one of the boy sang so wonderfully, that I was amazed and enlightened to hear such talent and such voice...this year he didn't come I think...yup, this year too my brother called the same group for an iftar..i think he's going to make it a yearly affair kot..wallahualam...

though, what really hit me last year during the nasyid was the one song that i love when i was in uia and it touched my heart, that nearly left me in tears when the children sang..it was a song entitled 'Keluarga Bahagia' by Saujana...yes...when the children sang, I felt sad and could see the children's expression..wishing and hoping for a family... and what touched my heart even more was when some of them were looking at my family, especially the twins happily hugging and laughing with their parents...and then it dawn to me, how I am sooooo lucky to have my parents and for the twins to have my brother and my sis-in-law...and at that, I looked at Ridhwan and felt even touched and 'hiba' and thought about his condition and how much I love my son so much and I want us to be a Keluarga Bahagia sehingga akhir hayat..insya-Allah....as I enjoyed all the nasyid songs, I also enjoyed the food! hehee...though the company was even better and also the childrens made the iftar event even more special...

this year we didn't have the chance to mingle with the children as I was busy carrying Ridhwan, it was hard to bring a stroller there as it was outdoors this year....also, I was just too tired from carrying ridhwan and the exhaustion of an all nite the nite before, so i just decided not to walk around but just sat there...though, we were once again entertained with nasyid songs from the childrens, this time by the girls and they even had nice matching costumes..oh and also, the drum thingy, a kompang and a tamborine..they played quite well! but it was the songs again that touched my heart again..yes, I'm easily touched...hehee...the songs reminded me of UIA as one of the songs was a song I used to sing and play again and again...sigh..I do miss my UIA times..so much I've learned there about life and Islam....and friends I've got to know....

well, to the childrens, mama Ridhwan doa banyak2x dimurahkan rezeki, panjang umur dan menjadi insan yang soleh dan solehah besar nanti..amin..Insya-Allah...and to everyone, may these last ramadhan nites be filled with lots of ibadah and doa so all our heart desires may come true and may we will be panjangkan umur to meet ramadhan again, next year..insya-Allah...

Sebelum berbuka puasa at CEO's room


Comelnya anak mama posing ngan nenek dia


"Mama, lapar lah...bila nak buka puasa nie..makan jari sat lah...nyum! nyum!"

Nenek dan cucu-cucunya...

Mula dah kanak-kanak 'ultraman' nie..hehee

visiting blogs and yummy trifle...

At last! No more written exams for me...sigh...but of course there are tonnes of term paper and projects to be completed...sigh..its like a never ending story for me..but I am very thankful that the written tests are over cause i am somehow detesting these test..maybe I've had enough of test...written that is..or i am just plain lazy to study and slog my head for test or exams..but now I have to complete 1. cryptography term paper, 2. javacc compiler program(the most aching thing to do..sigh) 3. take home test cryptography 4.wireless project(thank god this is a group project) and the major of all of them is the special topics to be submitted after raya..thank god..but there goes my raya...buut, at least i can do a proper write up at least..hopefully..or i'll be spending time visiting aje...hehe..no lah, complete this troublesome paper first then enjoy my raya..insya-Allah..

the thought that i'll be completing my masters soon makes me so happy and relieved...right now, somehow, i can't be bothered what I get but as long as its all over..i guess partly cause i won't be working that soon and also, i am so darn exhausted of juggling studies and child rearing...no breeding yet...hahaha...also, its about time ridhwan has full attention from me too...

anyway, my term paper which is supposedly to be completed today..and it is now 11 pm...hmm..meaning, i need to finish it before sahur or in other words need to stay up...and yet I have time to blog...can't help it..love to write...but not write term papers and projects...hehee...well, even before starting this term paper I have the time to read other people blogs and just surf the net..sigh..when am i ever gonna learn...naaaah..hehee..

Its nice to see some of my friends enjoying their time doing masters in UK and visiting places as they are studying..as much as I envy them, I am thankful that I did my masters here in Malayisa..especially when you have a child kan..a special needs child lagi..i don't know how i'd survive overseas if i were to do my masters overseas and have ridhwan along..maybe i would be even stronger..but right now, I am so thankful to Allah that I have wonderful supportive parents who helps me as much as they can in terms of time and financial..even if my heart has quite given up in wanting to do very well in my masters this sem..but this masters is for them too, for all their effort and encouragement to their only daughter..it is to Ridhwan too i dedicate this Masters too, your mama may not be much of a 'master' in her so called Msc. in Comp. Science but this masters is for you my son..may you never stop fighting as you have always been a fighter all this while...

Okay, enough blogging and visiting blog...oh my, i feel so sleepy already..tu lah, sapa suruh makan trifle lagi..hehe..can't resist my mom's yummy scrumptious trifle...its been quite some time she hasn't done it...well, off to the term paper now...ciao!

Al-Mu'alim

Just had my last..i mean actually my last class at night just now....yup, I at last, do not have night classes starting from tomorrow, yippee!!...oh my, how 2 years has passed by so fast...and I could still remember I was heavily pregnant in my first semester and studying for my exams at nights when my hubby was not around..somewhere in another country...but it was Ridhwan in the tummy that gave me strength to continue and be patient to study and do my best for the exams.

When I think back, Ridhwan should be my sole strength again to complete this final semester with flying colours...it is and has always been, but ever since Ridhwan was in the hospital again because of pneumonia and the gastrostomy surgery early this semester, it was like my heart and mind was not on my masters anymore...it was like..it just went down the drain and was not important at all...it was as if I lost hope and faith in doing my masters....

However, when I think back, I have told Ridhwan to never give up and to fight when he was only 4 days old when he was in the ICU with wires and syringes attached to him..and that should be a reminder to myself to never give up and fight...fight..and fight to do well in my masters...do it for Ridhwan..do it to show him, at times of real hardship, I should never give up and do my best...as when I really think about it...Ridhwan is the true fighter...he fought hard for his life when he was only 4 days old..but maybe..maybe... because he heard his mother praying and telling him each day in his ear, to never give up..la takhzan, la takhof, innallah ma'ana...he fought..he actually fought back for his life..and to this day he is still fighting..fighting with his reflux..that sometimes tears run down his eyes cause he was in pain..oh my son...

my mother's friend told me that special children like ridhwan are very special...as they do not show fear and pain...they are special as they can withstand pain that you and I who are considered normal would probably scream and cry in pain...they just smile and only tears come out of their eyes to show that they are in actual pain....then I thought, its true, Ridhwan has never showed pain and cried like any other babies would if they were in Ridhwan's situation...I guess it is because he was strong and he is fighting with pain.....such a strong son you are my son...so special and so pleasant and so strong...your mother needs to be reminded my son, to see that you are a fighter and have always been... and for that as your mother, I must never give up...always do my best and always pray to Allah to give me strength and faith in whatever i do...

To you my son...you are the sunshine of my life..and Ridhwan my love..i dedicate this song for you...Al-Mu'alim by Sami Yusuf...may we learn my son, may we learn from our mu'alim...I don't know why but I cry when I heard this song and thought about you...cause maybe, as a human, we have forgotten what our mu'alim have taught us ..and indirectly Ridhwan, you have also taught me about life and to never give up....wallahualam

it is now 1 am

I wish i could be sleeping but for my son's sake and actually my sake I need to stay up until 2..when actually at 5 I have to wake up for sahur..actually to come and think of it.. before I sleep again, I should perform solat tahajjud or hajat during this blessed month kan, but sometimes, we human are so weak we tend to think of wanting to go to sleep aje instead of performing some ibadah and during such a holy month such as ramadhan...

Well, I just read a friend's blog and chatted with my friend in UK when I should be completing my presentation slides which is due this weekend but as usual, I always get side tracked, either by reading a blog, looking through fotopages or reading magazines...instead of reading articles for my term papers....hmm..and to think you should be stronger during ramadhan kan....

Maybe also, cause my hubby is not here and I have to do my work in my room on the japanese table which is aching my leg, so the mood to work hard and just complete my work takes a longer time..so maybe I should and actually I must start my work and complete it by 2 in time for ridhwan's next feeding and also finally completing my term paper's presentation slide...as my ex-OSS friends use to tell each other...ganbatte!

Oh, and I am so happy that I got an email from my coordinator for special topics! Our report is due after raya!! yea! yea! and our presentation is on the 4th of November..alhamdulillah sangat2x..so these few weeks I SHOULD and MUST concentrate on my compiler programming and compiler test only..so that means i need to complete my term paper wireless presentation tonight and cryptography term paper and presentation slides esok..insya-Allah...doa kan that I have the strentgh and semangat to finish my last few weeks nie as a masters student and to do well no matter how tired and bored I am at the moment yea...amin...ciao!

hibernating...naaa...can't seem to do that..lets talk about shichida..

Okay, so much for hibernating..I told that I would be right, I mean hibernating..but it seems that I shouldn't have said that I'll be hibernating as instead I am lookin at other blogs even more frequently..everytime I on my laptop, I'll be looking at either my emails (that is standard), login to friendster ( god knows why, as if there is someone giving me a message or adding me as a friend everyday) or reading a friends blog...sigh...so I've decided, maybe I miss blogging and maybe I should just continuing blogging to express my feelings in whatever way I am feeling right now...yes, the lazy bugy is still here..but it's getting better..i mean, the rajin bug, lazy bug hopefully will go away soon....

Well, today I had a nice day at Shichida's class at Wisma Lim Foo Yong. The kids amaze and entertain me each week with their characters and wits. Hehee...I just love looking at them and see how they have grown and developed as months go by..this is especially seen from Ridhwan's friends who have joined him ever since january this year..from just a few months old and now 1 years old plus and walking and talking (baby talk) that is....I also love playing with them, seeing how their reaction that is. Ridhwan would usually look away or shy away..sigh..segannya anak mama nie..maybe also cause his eyesight is still not at par as a normal child's eyesight is....or maybe he is just naturally borned shy..anyway, ever since we entered Shichida Method, I have learned a lot about being a parent and every week we do the same flashcards and other activities, I actually never get bored and wish badly that my masters will end quick ( and of course my term papers, projects and reports to miracalously complete quick too) so I can totally utilise what I have learned at Shichida and apply it to Ridhwan....oh well, the faster i complete my work the faster I'd be able to do that ya..so abiskan keja tu dulu baru nak blog2x nie! Heehee...

Mr. Makoto Shichida will be coming in november to Malaysia, but sad to say I won't be able to attend his talk as we are in dire straits of money and also, its just a bit too expensive and if possible I'd like to go with my hubby and not all by myself. Then only we both could benefit it as a parent and also maybe darling hubby would have questions to ask that I wouldn't. Also, I hate attending talks alone..hehe...anyway, this is an excerpt taken from Shichida Method's website. Something to think about as a parent, and as a human, you'd never realise the potential of a brain until you actually loose it or partially loose it..now I know, and I hope even if this sounds funny, to all parents out there, take good care of your child's brain, take really good care, not just in terms of the physical, but mentally and also spiritually....Allah works in wonders and lets appreciate all his nikmahs...wallahualam...

Taken from www.shichidamehod.com

Wisma Lim Foo Yong - Ridhwan's weekly saturday Shichida class

Hibernating....zzZZzz....

After careful thinking..and consideration..I have decided that I will be in hibernation from this blog...hehee..actually when I see the image above...i wouldn't mind sleeping like the bear right now.Yup, laziness again...

Anyway, its best that I bid farewell for awhile and concentrate on my studies this last semester and which will end in only a months time....I will again, come out of my 'study cave' when its all over and continue to blog away and maybe this time blog more about ridhwan's progress and more about cerebral palsy issues that I've been wanting to blog about...

So for now, goodbye surfing blogs and fotopages...goodbye wasting my time surfing away rubbish on the net..I shall be back when the time is rite...adios people! Doakan my success for this final semester ya ;o)

Oh and before I forget, Selamat Berpuasa kepada semua umat Islam di Malaysia dan dunia juga...Semoga Ramdhan tahun ini akan lebih baik dari tahun2x yang lepas dan segala amal ibadah kita diterima Allah..Insya-Allah..amin...

its already 19th september...

How time flies when you're having fun and not having fun yea...I can't believe it, in a months time..this date, the year 2006, I am a free woman! Yahoo!! Heehee, yup free as in no more exams, no more term papers, no more mid terms or test, no more quizzes. No more lectures!! Yippee! Buuuut...before I actually get to that beautiful date and time, I have to finish what should be finished....Finish already? NOOOOO!

Yes, as always, the lazy mood does not seem to go away that easily...I have one major programming project, one so called dissertation or independent studies or special topic..whateverlah they call it, which should be compilled and send in by tomorrow...haha..satu hapak pun tak buat lagik..actually esok antar problem statement and literature review...and its 11 pm, bila nak siap? god knows...heehee...and oh ya, 2 more term papers, lots of labs and one more group project...gosh, so much workload and am I actually worried about them and doing something about it...nope...naaaah....help me someone please!!

In my last two semesters, my semangat, my enthusiasm was at its peaks...i don't know why this semester it is rite down below, even under the ground, probably at the core of the earth, in hibernation...hahahaa...maybe its because I know that I won't be working after this...not yet that is....so the excitement and enthusiasm to start work after masters is gone..and maybe cause ridhwan's fits are finally gone so I feel that I must concentrate on him only...oh well, these have been the constant excuses that I give myself day in and out...

But the real truth and nothing but the truth is...I'm just plain lazy at the moment..hehee....

I guess, the more you lay out the work that needs to be completed, the more you get overwhelmed and feel that you don't know which one to start and in the end you say to yourself..heck, I'll start with none...heeheee...but I know I can't continue doing this..I mean the purpose of doing this masters is to be a lecturer and for once in my life achieving the cgpa of my dreams...sort of...I have acquired it already in the last 2 semesters...but will I be able to maintain it this semester? Somehow that notion is a bit bleak for me at the moment as I've been doing badly in my test..how do i know this? well...I haven't gotten any results of my tests back at all..hehe...but u just know, u know...when u can't answer the questions well...and you just feel like keeping all your stationeries in your pencil box after the test has started 10 minutes...yup, you just know that you don't belong at the exam table...sigh...

However...Allah works in miracles....the test that you thought would be the worst of the lot, could actually be the best! Hmm....of course no hard work and no effort and a lousy answer paper might not save the test and scoring the paper might be a real miracle...but miracles do happen...as long as you believe and doa like mad...

Oh well, its a challenge for me and I must, I will and for god's sake gal...go! go! I shall do my very best to give myself the boost, the will power to make the best out of my last month of my masters...may Allah always be with me in my doa....and maybe you all out there can pray that i get my butt moving and start completing all those pending work!! Heehee...all work and no play makes this mama one stressed up and very dull woman....Ciao!

The Backyardigans!!

I just love this show! So what if my son isn't really watching this show but I am instead...hehee..yes, when Ridhwan's eye sight was sort of deteriorating a few months ago(alhamdulillah his eye sight is much better now), all we could do was put the volume on for this program and hope Ridhwan will enjoy the songs and voices of the ever so cute little animals...hehee... However, as time goes by I started falling in love with this show! It's so cute and I really enjoy them dancing away to the songs...haahaa...there are basically 5 characters named, Tyrone, Uniqua, Tasha, Austin and Pablo. All of them have such lovely voices and they sing in such harmony that you can't help loving the songs and dance moves. Yes, to me, the dance moves that caught my attention intially. The animators are really superb as they are able to capture and show the real dance movement of how an adult or a child would move while dancing to the songs. Some of the songs in the shows are from familiar songs but its the lyrics and the cute phrases that they have changed in the songs that makes it even catchy...hehee.. All in all, the backyardigans is a must see for all the toddlers out there and for non-working mummy who wants to have a good laugh and hear funny songs with cute and adorable voice with your child, The Backyardigans is definitely for you! Oh, and not forgetting Spongebob Squarepants too! Hehehe...hardy, harr, harr, harrr.....

Microcephaly

Today I thought of writting about microcephaly..the condition Ridhwan is going through at the moment..the first time I heard about it from Ridhwan's paed I was thinking the worse out of it....but when I read and saw pictures of it..my heart broke down, tears came down my face and all I could see was life was bleak..very bleak...but as a muslim, one must never give up and pray to Allah all the time, as no matter what definition or term these doctors use, we must never give up and believe that with hardwork and lots of doa, whatever symptoms or diagnostic, a cure and miracles always happens...so, for those who read this, please don't despair..yes Ridhwan's head circumference is a bit small compared to the 'expected range' of a normal child's head circumference but if you see around, many child, men and women do have small heads sometimes...I believe even is they say Ridhwan's head is not that big..there sure is a lot of intelligence there...and as for developmental milestones...heck, my father-in-law started talking at 4!! and he has a wonderful wife and 4 children..hmmm..so, medical opinions can say what they want but at the end of the day, its all about the faith and hope.....wallahualam....

What is Microcephaly?
Microcephaly is a medical condition in which the circumference of the head is smaller than normal because the brain has not developed properly or has stopped growing. Microcephaly can be present at birth or it may develop in the first few years of life. It is most often caused by genetic abnormalities that interfere with the growth of the cerebral cortex during the early months of fetal development. It is associated with Down’s syndrome, chromosomal syndromes, and neurometabolic syndromes. Babies may also be born with microcephaly if, during pregnancy, their mother abused drugs or alcohol, became infected with a cytomegalovirus, rubella (German measles), or varicella (chicken pox) virus, was exposed to certain toxic chemicals, or had untreated phenylketonuria (PKU). Babies born with microcephaly will have a smaller than normal head that will fail to grow as they progress through infancy. Depending on the severity of the accompanying syndrome, children with microcephaly may have mental retardation, delayed motor functions and speech, facial distortions, dwarfism or short stature, hyperactivity, seizures, difficulties with coordination and balance, and other brain or neurological abnormalities. Some children with microcephaly will have normal intelligence and a head that will grow bigger, but they will track below the normal growth curves for head circumference.

Is there any treatment?

There is no treatment for microcephaly that can return a child’s head to a normal size or shape. Treatment focuses on ways to decrease the impact of the associated deformities and neurological disabilities. Children with microcephaly and developmental delays are usually evaluated by a pediatric neurologist and followed by a medical management team. Early childhood intervention programs that involve physical, speech, and occupational therapists help to maximize abilities and minimize dysfunction. Medications are often used to control seizures, hyperactivity, and neuromuscular symptoms. Genetic counseling may help families understand the risk for microcephaly in subsequent pregnancies

What is the prognosis?

Some children will only have mild disability. Others, especially if they are otherwise growing and developing normally, will have normal intelligence and continue to develop and meet regular age-appropriate milestones.

Happy Birthday Liz!

Yesterday I had an enjoyable dinner with my good old chums from Sri Aman...it was nice once in a while for this mother who is stressed up with her soon to finish masters with tonnes of assignments and exhausted mother of a one year old toddler...but then again, i'd rather take care of ridhwan than do my assignments...hehee...anyway, the dinner was yummy and the company was wonderful...once in a while having this girls night out sure brings back memories for me when I was single and not so available ...just hanging out with friends whom you've known long enought to know its okay to laugh out loud in a restaurant when everyone is practically staring at you..yes, they were...but heck, its our night out and no one is going to ruin it...my night out anyway.....

Being a mother, life has really changed...your priorities are different...your needs have changed and evolved...last time it was me, me and me alone...then it was, me and hubby, for hubby, for me, for us...now its, for us, for the three of us, for ridhwan, for ridhwan and for ridhwan..yes, your needs somehow revolves more about your child than your own...but then, there are times when you just can't help being human and have special needs of your own ...hehee...this is when the shopping gets fun cause its not just shopping for your own...but for your child too...of course, if you are a mother, who's a student and not having a salary of your own...sob...sob....the shopping list and item is limited to a very tight budget..sigh...oh well, as the say, beggars can't be choosers ya....but all in all...an occasional shopping time and a night's out last night with just women sure makes this mama a smilling and contented mama...yup... And to top of it, it was to celebrate my long time old...yup old..hehe...best friend Aliza, whom I've known since kindergarten...

I treasure my friendship with her cause it has lasted all these years and not once have I stopped growing fond of her and admiring her self determined, strong will and she's one of the friendliest person I've ever known.... She never stops to amaze me...and Liz, your skirt last nite was way cool..lawa, I like it.. So, to my dear friend Aliza, happy birthday dear! It is so nice to have you back in Malaysia now even if you are a sampan, boat or flight away..hehe...its great to have you back and have a wonderful extended birthday time ya!

To my best buddies, Belinda, Chery and Loges...you gals are still the best! I'm glad we never got astray and remain best friends all these years...times in Sri Aman was really great but times ahead will be even greater and wonderful...so, looking forward to more weddings..hint..hint..hehe..and babies...hahaa...yes, you know who...love ya all!!

Why can't I login to my yahoo account...sob..sob...

My child is screaming away as I am neglecting him for awhile to do some work...my twin nephews is having a screaming frenzy nearby...and worst of all, I can't login to my yahoo!! Huwaaa....why? why? at times when I need to check some important mails it has to do some funny thing asking for my pasword and id and what not...gosh, computers and its software can be a pain in the neck at times.... oh well, designed by human anyway....definitely have human errors right....oh oh...I think my son just poo poo...heheee...code red! code red!! .....

Okay...you have got to start the literature review!

I have been postponing my literature review for the..hmm...how many times already yea??....I just can't find the will power to actually even start a paragraph on it ..and this wednesday, I'm due to see my supervisor!!!...sigh...in the first place, who's great idea was it to make it compulsory to have this special topics for all last semester students...and why tell in the early of the semester, when they could have told us before last semester ended....oh well...every new program has their faults...though, instead of making this semester a less stress free semester for myself..it is making me have an even worse headache!?

My topic is about self similar network traffic...ya Allah, apa benda tu? I know, I know..hey, aren't I'm doing my masters now? Oh yes, I am, but even if you are a masters graduate...you will not have a permanent head damage (PhD.) to fully be a 'masters' in something...hehee..does this make sense...Anyway, I don't know why this semester is one of my laziest semester ever..I mean, I'd rather blog away in my blog then start typing on my lit. review....gosh, the lazy bug has really gotten to me ya.....

Okay, enough is enough! Enough redesigning my blog and blogging away for now...will start studying and read for my literature review now! Ganbatte Reenaz!!

My japanese table!

At last...i actually got my japanese table!! and it was cheap! I mean cheap for me, compared to some furniture shop that sells nice looking furniture but not so good quality...ho hum..yes abang, that shop which is out of bound for me for now..heheee....anyway, the table is sturdy..and really nice! I've been using it ever since we bought it...at least I get to do some work in the room with Ridhwan by my side or not sian dia in his play pen while his mama at the big table doing her work... kan ridhwan kan! So, no reason for me not being able to do my work then...hmm...table: checked! ...work:still not completed.....hehee...

need a japanese table...need more time..need to finish my work!

Needs...needs...and needs....actually some are musts! Hehehee...I just realised that I did a pretty okay term paper yesterday..managed to finish writting it up in one day! Would you believe that! Of course it was only a 5-7 pages term paper and I completed with 9 pages....and then there was the presentation...yup, that also was completed in one afternoon...my god, I actually completed my term paper and ppt slides in less than 2 days...world record! Hahhaa...no lah, desperate time calls for desperate measures...anyway, alhamdulillah the presentation was okay, though the lecturer didn't ask any questions, the colleagues too...so I was thinking, either my presentation was that good that no questions was needed to be asked, or as we promised each other no questions must be asked.....or nobody understood a single thing I explained...hahhahaa!! either way, its done and over...now, I need to find more articles for the next term paper...anyone an expert in cryptography? that's what my term paper is all about...

now back to the main title...why do i need a japanese table? my darling hubby is so eer busy these few weeks that he has been travelling a lot...so I am or have to resort to doing my work in our room...which i'd rather do in the study room as I can just lay out all my papers on the study table and type out my term paper/programming easier....however, that is not feasible in our room..cause, yes, its a bedroom..heheee..and so I thought, if my hubby is going to travel again, and sure enough my term papers are not decreasing but being added up each week...why does this lecturer loveee to give so much....so, i need a table...not to big until it covers the only space available in this room to pray....but big enough to at least be filled up with my laptop, my mouse and the happy smilling mouse pad(tu wajib tu, semangat skit nak buat kerja) and some papers and probably my pencil box...and so...i NEED a table..and need to find one quick...i was thinking of IKEA...maybe they have one but then again, IKEA is a bit too far for me at the moment..then i remembered..giant! or was it macro....darn...anyway, one of these hypermarkets hae one ...so maybe i'll check it out this weekend or today....cause i definitely need it...

Time..who doesn't need time rite...there's always excuses that we have no time at all...that reminds me of my lecturer last semester that said, "Takda alasan takda masa....awak aje nak buat masa ke tak...so, jangan kata takda masa nak buat yea..." ...hmmm..which if u really...really...really think....is quite true..i mean, i always say, no time lah..i need to take care of ridhwan, mana ada masa nak baca untuk literature review..takda masa nak buat programming ( when in fact I just hate programming) ...takda masa....when actually, when ridhwan is sleeping I can do my work...read an article perhaps....programming, learn to love it gal....take time to do it....so, in other words...its a matter of us "making" time for things we need to do....and so, there is no such thing as no time....hmmm...which now, i should be reading the special topics articles...no time lah! hehee....

so, in conclusion....chewah, macam term paper lak nie yea....for work to be finished, time must be made for it..and to add onto it, a table would help too! ;o) ciao....

lalalaaa....japanese songs...hait!

Here I am listening to a CD I have totally forgotten that I own..yup, a japanese cd...hehee...as I listen to the songs of the album one by one, I realised that I have once laughed out loud endlessly with my officemates or ex-officemates and actually looked at life differently...I realised that I had gone through lots of hardships that I forgot to smell the rose and especially doing the things that I enjoy...yes, i forgot to have fun...maybe that's why my hubby says to relax more..don be to serious...ya lah abang, maybe I am...but with the situations in our life...I guess I can't blame myself that I forgot...forgot to just sit still and enjoy myself with songs that I used to love and still do....songs that inspired me to be me....

Certain songs just makes you recall experiences and certain period of times when you were young...hehee...as if I'm that old...and songs that makes you recall when you were having fun with your friends, 'our song' the song that your boyfriend proclaim to be yours and yours alone..and songs that reminds you of the time you just got married...the song that you vowed to be 'the' song...our song of love...then of course there were songs that reminded you of how your bundle of joy will be in your life....yup....songs...i actually forgot to enjoy them as I used to once....

Like for example this japanese album that my ex-officemates once looked high and low to get it for me..thanks maggie and mee lian! ..the album that I recall to play again and again in my car...songs that accompanied me to work and back once...hehee...i loved those songs..and as I'm hearing it again I realised I still loved these songs when what the words mean is god knows..hahaha...but nevertheless, I will still enjoy these songs that actually made me smile...yes, they made me smile...and ironically, it made me feel young again...or actually made me recalled during my bachelorette days...it made me think back that no matter how hard life is, you must never forget to rest and relax and just appreciate life as it is...do the things that makes you smile...buy flowers that you love, buy books that you've been wanting to read, say I love you to your husband again and again, call old friends to rekindle old friendship, look at old pictures of you and your boyfriend and now your hubby, do jigsaw puzzles for the fun of it, go for a holiday...just do what you love the most and believe in....though as time has its ups and down...never ever forget to just sit still and listen to the music as you watch the clouds go by...hmmm....

.....so to the album Le Couple, thanks for making me recall my wonderful times when I was in OSS, great times with the gals there!...to Maggie, thanks for introducing this album for me...i never regretted buying this album eventhough I have no idea what they are singing..hehee..maybe, I shall ask Ridhwan's shichida teacher to translate..yes ...maybe...

http://www.solcielo.co.jp/lecouple/

Sofa...by Le Couple

omen ne motto watashi wo shikattemo ii yo
Yatto kizuita nante
Okashi itte daite

Aisareteru to shirazu ni ikiteta
Sono mune de naitemo ii?
Doushite anata to iru to
Watashi ni nareru

Gomen ne motto sunao ni ietanara ii noni
Mitsumeau mukou ni wa
Onaji yume ga mieru

* Aisareteru to shirazu ni ikiteta
 Utata ne shiteitanda
 Kimochi ii SOFA no you na
 Anata no naka de

Tookutemo soba ni itemo
Motto fukaku tsunagattetai

Aisareteru to shirazu ni ikiteta
Sono mune de naitemo ii?
Doushite anata to iru to...

* repeat

My baby boy is one!!

June 2006! 2nd June 2006!! Happy Birthday my baby boy!!! Alhamdulillah one year has passed by and my darling baby boy is now one years old...how time flies so fast these days ya...i mean, here I was relaxing away, telling myself that my semester will only start in 2 months time..and a month has already passed by!! And the fact that my lectures will start on 26th June is freaking me out!! Yikes, what??!! So soon...but alhamdulillah..as they say yea, rezeki anak, my results were good...alhamdulillah....thank you ridhwan...thank you mama for taking good care of ridhwan at times I was stressed up with my lectures, workloads and people...sigh...but as they say, everything happened for a reason..and a good one too..to make you stronger and appreciate life as it is...

For those who have wished ridhwan for his birthday...thanks for remembering..sorry to say, I don seem to remember other people child's birthday..sorry kengkawan, probably so engrossed with ridhwan and taking care of him, that i keep putting aside my needs, my hopes and sad to say sometimes my friends because I know ridhwan needs me more...

Anyway, will put up pics of ridhwan's 1st every small birthday party!!! Watch out for it soon!!!

Kembali ke rahmatullah...semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas Alesha...

Dear friends,

Happy Mother's Day! Today is the first time in the history of my life that I celebrate what mothers around the world have celebrated years ago..and that is a mother's day...actually, in reality, everyday is a mother's day..there shouldn't be only one day to appreciate and honour a mother in a year.... a mother should be loved, cared and respected everyday in our life...and that I learned as the days go by...not before i became a mother itself, but years before....anyway, my darling hubby gave me a wondeful gift...love it abang! love you...and my darling baby boy gave me a card too! how cute can that be! Of course it is actually from my hubby but i know, if Ridhwan could talk and write, I'd get a wonderful wish from him....actually, I probably don realise it but I get the wish of happiness and love from him everyday ever since he was born...my heart beat next to him when I hold him, my warmth in times when he is cold and confuse with the new world he's in, my soothing voice telling him its okay.....he's probably appreciating and loving me every bit of his days as it is....

With that in mind, I couldn't help crying endlessly just now as i read from a fotopage that a dear baby girl has passed away...a dear girl which I have only seen in a fotopage...a dear baby girl who's smile I have only seen in a fotopage....a dear baby girl who's pain and agony I have only seen in a fotopage.....I have only seen...

Seeing that, I could not help feeling helpless and emotional as every time I read her mother's comments in the fotopages...the hurdle she has to go through, her cries...her pain....ya Allah...Allah sahaja yang tahu what Pn. Zaimah has felt all this while..and with that, I can't help mourning again and crying again...as I know, I do not know how she might be feeling right now...but I know, no new mother could ever bear the pain of seeing their newborn baby being in the ICU...seeing needles and wires connected to her baby...no...no new mother have been trained or has experienced that pain that a woman will feel when her baby is in pain and unwell...

But Allah works in many ways..and everything that happens is with hikmah..and that makes me realise again...how wonderful my baby boy is and that I am so thankful to Allah for giving me the best gift a mother, a woman, a muslimah could ever want..and that is a zuriat, a child...a baby...a baby of my own....amanat from Allah.....and with that, it made me realise again that I am still not doing enough...i need to do more for Ridhwan...sacrifices need to be done, selfishness need to put aside...there is no more me in a mother's language..there's only us...the family and I......and for that I love you my son...I love you sooo much Muhammad Ridhwan Bin Nor Azizan....

To Zaimah...may Allah give you strength to go through each day with lots of sabar and tabah....Allah sahaja tahu bagaimana Zaimah is feeling right now....All we can do, as friends, or actually strangers....no...not strangers...as one muslim sister to another...our prayers are with you....my prayers are with you....as one of the surah mentioned in the Quran...."Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya....." ...wallahualam.....

Zaimah...i dedicate this song to you..Terlalu Istimewa...and i dedicate this ayat/surah to myself...to appreciate that I am still breathing right now in this world...and that I have a wonderful husband and son...may Allah always be with me and to all the wonderful courageous, strong and loving mother out there....

Baby Alesha...semoga Allah mencucuri rahmatNya ket atas mu..permergianmu dirasai semua..tetapi kegigihan dan kecekalan mu berjuang akan diingati buat selama-lamanya...Al-Fatihah...

http://viruspadu.fotopages.com/