Ridhwan and his great progress..

Hmm...how time flies so fast when you are having fun and busy with lots of stuff...its just like yesterday we all celebrated aidilfitri and my mom's maid went back to Indon and in two days time she's back!....hmm...partly, it's good she's back I guess, more help around the house, then again, gone are the days we can roam around the house and talk about anything freely and unlocked room can be left unlocked and open wide...takpalah, more help means more time for me with Ridhwan which is what I need right now..

Ever since my mom's maid when back to her home, I am doing more of the housework and in turn time for ridhwan has been less and sometimes neglected...my poor darling...when he is one who needs constant stimulation and attention right now in his growing years...but nevertheless, he is progressing so well, alhamdulillah...even our physiotherapist Sarjit is so happy with his many progress...you all should see the amount of kisses Ridhwan gets these days from Sarjit..hehee...sometimes there's even a lipstick mark on Ridhwan's shirt..hahaa..and he's only 2! ....however, I am so thankful to Allah that he can now learn how to stand, actually understanding how to walk, lifting his left and right leg one at a time..and most of all his ability to sit in his cot by himself without my help, all by himself!! Yea Ridhwan!!! Mama is so proud of you!!! Hopefully when he can start using more of his hands to support himself, he will start to learn to stand with more balance and grip things more..and that is when mama will shed a tear again just like when you suddenly sat on your own that day in the cot....oh my dear ridhwan....

Pic taken during a lunch date with my gal friends at Teapot cafe..hehe..Ridhwna boring dengar girl talk between mama and her friends...sorry sayang, mama dragged you along yea..

Oh ya, his vocab is much more these days too!..everything I say he tends to imitate and I mean everything.....even sounds like 'chewah', 'cheh' and others are being imitate by him! Alamak!! But seeing him vocalising a lot more these days really touches my heart....being able to converse with him when sometimes not even a single word I understand really makes my day these days...he is such a smart boy and i believe in him so much that he'll be great one day...His speech therapy is also very happy with his progress as we have not seen her for months and when she recently heard him saying 'mama' and 'ayah' without any 'pelat', she was esthatic! She said, Ridhwan's speech insya-Allah is progressing very well...alhamdulillah...syukur sangat2x pada Allah...

So, I try to watch what I say these days cause the last thing I want is for him to pick improper words or even vulgar words...so i monitor his TV viewing these days, especially when his father is watching the TV with him...no adult shows or movie when Ridhwan is around tau ayah!! As it is, I see that he picks up quite a lot of words from cartoons like Little Einstein and also Mickey Mouse clubhouse...which thank god, are very innocent cartoons...mind you, these days, the type of cartoons we have on TV can be so violent and disgusting...yup, gooiey stuff and morphing aliens what not...gone are the days of smurfs, care bears, my little pony and so forth...I guess maybe that's why the older generations are simpler and more polite...seriously, these days, the way the youth behaves alarms and scares me...the amount of respect they have to older people are diminishing and that is something I need to ensure that Ridhwan must inculcate the feeling of respect towards older people as he grows up...insya-Allah....



Anyway, for being such a wonderful boy, we brought him to Kuantan for a holiday on a plane! Hehee...padahal Kuantan is not to far these days, around 2 and half hours drive aje...oh well,hubby needed to finish his enrich points which ended up being expensive gak, you liar, you MAS!! Also, having the OKU(Orang Kurang Upaya) card was supposed to entitle Ridhwan to a 50% discount on the fare but ended up only one ticket was entitled to the discount. Another lie!! Next time, please put some clause or more details stating that only one way ticket will get the appropriate discount...sheesh...sian OKU lain if they intended to fly ke...seriously, with all the hype of our country being berbudi bahasa and asian value what not, are they actually protecting or taking care of the OKU interest??!!...sad to say, NO, cause a mother to a severe brain injured child I met a few months ago have expressed her grief and dissatisfaction on her findings and effort to find help and devices for her daughter's mobility. Though, ironically another country which I shall not mention here have placed an advert in the papers to get a free, i really mean, FREE, wheelchair that is custom made for her daughter...imagine that, totally free with no charge at all..and the best part was that when her daughter grows bigger and if she couldn't fit into the wheelchair anymore, all the mother need to do was to inform them again and they'll get another one for FREE to suit her height and size..how nice is that kan...and how sad as you wonder, what the future holds for other OKU out there who may not even be able to afford going to a therapist every week like Ridhwan is....cause truthfully, one therapy each week is not exactly cheap and one therapy a month is not enough.....wallahualam...for this I am thankful to Allah cause rezeki Ridhwan murah sangat even though when I am not working and we are depending solely on hubby's income aje...semoga Allah sentiasa murahkan rezeki Ridhwan...amin...

So to all friends out there, if you suddenly have a large sum of money you want to donate, heehee, mana tahu kan, do donate to any OKU organisations or institutions out there cause one really wonders how much of their needs and interest is being looked at or even heard...they are also human being sharing this beloved earth of us...and who else can they depend or turn to but to us the so-called normal or perfect people who can and should help them as much as we can....wallahualam...

been awhile...many stories to tell...

I've not been blogging for quite some time..many stories to tell actually...especially about ridhwan's progress and also the usual fulltime housewife stuff we stay at home mummy do..hehee...anyway, i'll be blogging soon....when, dunno yet, I know i've also promised pictures in fotopages for friends to view...sorry ya for the delay...maybe will blog more when I come back from Kuantan next week...at last, this mummy gets to see the beach after nearly ..lets see...2 years + 1 year...yup nearly 3 years longing to see the beach..so hopefully the weather tomorrow or sunday would be good in kuantan..pleaseeeee....insya-Allah..semua ketentuan Allah kan..and then me mummy and ridhwan son can enjoy the sun and beach! yahoo!! till then...ciao...

Syawal 1428...

In loving memories...

It has been a week now ever since my grandfather kembali ke rahmatullah...And it was just a few weeks ago that I could recall talking to him...remembering him asking what was Ridhwan's name as old age was getting to him and memory loss was quite bad...but no matter how many times he forgot our names or who we were whenever we visited him...he was a wonderful host to his guest...making sure we all had enough food and drink at the table....was always asking about our health and was even teasing my grandma whenever he could...he also looked forward to our visits everytime we came as if we never visited him for years when it was only a week ago we came to see him...

His death is much felt for the whole family as he was always the leader among the menantu(s) on my grandma's side...as my grandma being the eldest of the family, it was natural that my grandpa was the eldest menantu(s) and the person all the other menantu(s) and sisters look up to whenever they were in need...he was also very hospitable and well respected because of his character and how he treated everyone around him....even during his career as the director general of customs malaysia and when he was a normal custom officer, he was one of those who did not hesitate to defy the english when the english were here...yup, during the old english occupancy era..as a matter of fact, there was one story my mother always told me which is still very fresh in my mind was when he was a customs officer, can't remember his position at that time though..anyway, being a customs officer, my mother's family had to move around Malaysia a lot, and they had just moved to one state, can't remember which one, and within 24 hours he was asked to moved to a new state as he bravely defied one of the english officer there...my grandfather was a man with high principles and was not afraid to fight for the truth..and being so brave and bold ended him up being transfered to another state within 24 hours...wow!...but he proved even being a local custom officer or a malay officer at that time when the english were reigning, he was not afraid to speak up and that is something I admire till now...there was even a time, my mother may have not existed because of his courageous act!.. during one of his roundings with the customs officers at sea, he was actually captured by the pirates!! mind you, there are pirates out there in the sea betul2x sebenarnya!.. and he was actually thrown from the boat into the middle of the sea by these pirates as they refused to be taken into custody by the customs...tapi tu lah, ajal arwah datuk tak sampai lagi .. alhamdulillah he was rescued but when they rescued him, he was already blue and was not breathing...tapi ajal semua di tangan Allah kan...he survived the ordeal...and became an even greater man...

They are many courageous stories of him my mother would always tell me as a child and even when I am now a mother to a wonderful little boy...and the stories never stopped to amaze me to this day....and so the news about him passing away really shocked me, especially when I was the one who had to tell my mother of the news..it just broke my heart into pieces....the call my mom made to my auntie after hearing my grandpa was unconscious was passed to me as she couldn't hear clearly what my aunt said...and when my aunt told me to tell my mom that my grandpa was gone..i didn't answer anything to her and just placed the phone down...and looked at my mom and stared crying badly...my mom was then in a panic and asked what was wrong...and i told her the news....

However, alhamdulillah arwah datuk was a man who was always consistent with his amalan harian and ibadatnya and was always very generous in giving and sedaqah, and so alhamdulillah, his rezeki, pengurusan jenazah was very fast and without any hiccups at all...by 2.30 pm he was buried at the Tanah perkuburan bukit kiara near my grandma's house ....

It was a solemn day that day and for the very first time I could see my grand-uncles actually breaking down and crying their heart out and some of them are actually great men during their younger times and I have always admired them... and seeing them crying really made me weep even more and broke my heart and realised how much my grandpa was really admired and looked up to all these years...

But as muslims, we must not weep too much as we would only cause the jenazah to be in more pain and aggravate him...cause as we leave this world, what is important is what we have done before our time is up and the 3 main things are, our amal soleh, ilmu yang manfaat and anak yang soleh...and my arwah grandfather have always had these things with him throughout his time here in this world...

Therefore, semoga roh arwah datuk dicucuri rahmatNya dan ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang mukmin...I loved you very much datuk and your courage, your passion, your love to your family, your love to your spouse, your sense of humor, your generosity and most of all your amalan ibadat is something I would always remember and try to follow so I may one day be a great person like you too...wallahualam...

Arwah datuk and nenek at my house before my aqad nikah in September 2003

Kembali ke rahmatullah...arwah datuk...

Tan Sri Hj. Daiman Bin Jamuluddin telah kembali ke rahmatullah pagi ini lebih kurang antara pukul 9.40 ke 9.50 a.m.....al-fatihah....

The only grandfather I had... since my paternal grandfather died even before my mom got married..so I only knew my mom's dad as my only grandfather... he was a great man...was a man who loved his wife very much and loved to tease her...a man who was always very concern of his guest...who loved his children equally...who loved his grandchildren very much...was a man who touched many hearts ...the brother, the uncle, the family turn to and went to in time of needs...was a man very well respected and looked up to...that was my grandfather...my dear grandfather....

Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas arwah datuk...you will be missed very much...

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak!

Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan yang penuh dengan keberkatan...Insya-Allah...Semoga segala amal ibadat kita di bulan yang mulia ini akan mendapat berkah dan rahmat dari Ilahi...Insya-Allah..

A trip to the bridal shops..

Oops, eh, no, no, don't get me wrong ya everyone, I'm not getting another wedding gown for some anniversary bash or anything....hmm..maybe for my 10th anniversary I should do some majlis besar-besaran ya and wear back my nikah or reception kebarung or whatever they call it...hehee, naaah, ya rite, wonder if I'll even fit into it pun...hahahaa....never mind, I think a solat jemaah with my hubby on that special date and a romantic dinner for two would be just fine...insya-Allah...semoga perkahwinan kami sentiasa diberkati Allah..amin...

Anyway, last two weekends, I had a chance to actually visit some bridal shops in SS2, PJ, which I've always seen whenever I pass the SS2 main road but never actually get to see what were inside those bridal shops. I only and really had the opportunity to actually look for a few minutes from outside that is, the huge and beautifully decorated bridal shops in Ipoh whenever we go back to my hubby's hometown. But of course I just get to look from outside, the gowns and large wedding pictures hanging outside the shop from where else, but inside the car, whenever we pass them to go to the town or pick up my sis-in law wherever she would be at that time. And whenever we pass by, curiously I would be thinking, it must be really nice to try out all those wedding gowns one by one, and they are such lovely gowns being displayed as they were white and had lovely laces on them....waaah...hehee, yes, even though I am happily married for nearly 4 years now, a wedding or the thought of wedding gowns be it malay songket or english wedding gowns, it makes me awe with smiles.

So, lucky me, one of my best friend is getting married next year and she invited me to accompany her so she could try out the wedding gowns in the shops at SS2. Yippeee!! At last, after months of watching on channel 77 a show called Dress of your dreams, eh ke gowns of your dreams..anyway, one of it lah the title...I just got so excited that I finally could see an english wedding gown live! Well, I actually did get to see one when Loges got married but I was so preoccupied with taking care of Ridhwan and I couldn't get involve much in her wedding preparations and all, that I missed out the visiting wedding shops part...so this time, I am definitely making time to see the actual process of selecting wedding gowns for my other best friend...umm..should I mention your name here? hehee...the date is confirmed right? so, its all finalised right?? okaylah, won't mention yet your name here but will do it soon..hehee...

So, off I went with hubby and Ridhwan to SS2 to meet up with the gals and have some female bonding time and also some wedding excitement time too ;o) hehee... However, smart me, never been to SS2 in ages and conveniently was smart enough thinking, I know those shops, which ended up, I was so wrong of the locations of the shops (thank god, hubby knew the shops locations, malu aje), instead of arriving on time I ended reaching half and hour later after driving around SS2 in circles as the shops could only be accessed from a certain road...gosh, people driving in SS2 have no mercy in driving slowly or stopping for awhile...but finally I reached the first shop the gals wanted to check out.

Now...this is the best part, as it is I was upset that I was late, and having a headache with all the driving in circles in SS2 and was partly exhausted carrying Ridhwan around...as I was about to actually have a sit on the sofa in the bridal shop to finally see a gown my dear friend was trying out, Belle said to me..."..umm...i think he poo poo lah...smells a bit.." Darn it! Ridhwan, noooooo! Not here! Not now! Nooooooo!! ...yes, it's not a no... Ridhwan actually poo poo-ed in his nappy..of all the time and place to let it out...he had to let it out at the first bridal shop we entered....hahahaa...again, lucky me, I made sure I stocked the so small baby bag that I brought along that day with some cotton wool, one nappy and a liner...and to think that I was going to lenggang aje not bring those things thinking hubby is just around the corner somewhere in SS2 so I could just call if Ridhwan was hungry and needed to change his clothes...yup, lucky me allright...and so with much difficulty, as being a lasak 2 year old, even when not walking yet nie, it could be quite hard sometimes trying to change his nappy especially if he poo poo...but no sweat, this mother has gone through worse hurdles, I shall embrace this situation with a calm manner....ya rite, the gals didn't know how i was freaking out in the bathroom, while ridhwan was wriggling away in his soiled nappy and wanting to touch the nappy..I shall not describe that in detail lah yea...hehee...but, mission accomplish, after much pain-staking changing nappy ordeal, Ridhwan was happily changed into a new nappy, clean and nice smelling...and at lassttt...i could actually sit down on the sofa to see the trying out of the wedding gowns...but then, as I was just going to sit and relax....the gals said, okay, moving to the next shop now....whattt??!! here I am baru nak take a breather and we have to go off already...okaylah...so, obediently, I followed the gals out of the shop, dah ler we were on the 2nd floor and there was no railing on the stairs to hold on to while juggling Ridhwan...hehee..and truthfully I was quite out of breath already at that time...and was, oh heck, just bring me to the next shop so I could find some sofa to seat on...hehee...
what an experience that was...

Though, we did finally go to one shop so my dear friend could try out the gowns, and there I finally could sit down and enjoy the moment seeing my dear friend selecting her gown...her dream gown...she looked so lovely in the gowns she tried on...and they were very lovely gowns...laces, satins, silk....oh I just love weddings....but she didn't find 'the' wedding gown and of course there were KL shops to look into..but all in all, it was a nice experience for me to finally actually enter into a bridal shop with wedding gowns that I've only seen displayed near the windows and actually touching and seeing them live with my own eyes, was a wonderful experience and made me think about my own wedding 4 years ago....

Of course the preparation for my dear friend's wedding is still a long list but I was very happy to be a part of her 'entourage' accompanying her to see and select the wedding gowns and time spend with you gals is always looked forward to for this mother of a 2 year old boy who is improving and progressing day by day..time off from reality world occasionally really helps this mommy to relax and enjoy time with friends....so my dear friend, thanks for the lunch and most of all, thanks for having Ridhwan and I to come along with you that day...I hope you'll find your dream gown and you're going to look great on your wedding day!! and I will try my very best to be in every part of the way towards your wedding day ya..insya-Allah....I cried a tear when Loges got married a year ago, wonder if I will too when it is your turn...hehee....aaah, weddings...don't you just love them...

long lost sunway mate...

For a mother who occupies herself with her child's need so much instead of hers these days, it feels so good to meet a friend which I've not met in years....How funny that I would meet her after all these years at SJMC when Ridhwan was having his physiotherapy...and Allah work in such wonders that it so happened I had to make a phone call and so stepped out of the physio department trying to make a call and she caught a glance of me while wanting to cross over the bridge..and there you were!...and the best part about meeting her was the fact that even though we've not met or talked face to face for such a long time, we just knew about each other and was asking about a lot of things about our lives, as if we've just met a few days or weeks ago....which we actually only know from reading each other blogs! Heehee...how ironic ya...so these blogs we have is actually quite great and cool, cause even if your a cyberspace away, you get to catch up on your friends even if you don't actually meet them or even 'tegur' them in their blog cause you know, no matter where you are or what you are doing, your friend thinks about you, wishes you well and pray for you at times when you are in need...so to dear Izreen, it was really great to see dear! Hope your wrist is much better now...and yes, it was really nice to see you again after all this years...take care dear! and kisses to your cute tomel-ion! ;o)..oh and let her cry, really, its good for her lungs, gets more oxygen to the brain and also, its good to know that she can show her emotions well and have a great cry to cry her lungs out...hmm...now i know how this phrase came about ya...hehee

Marriage...family

You know, ever since my aunt had stroke, I learned a very valuable lesson...one, no matter how much money you have in the world or acquired all the riches of the world, nothing beats a healthy body...which sad to say, I've been neglecting for quite some time...sigh...but since I've learned this lesson, I hope I learn it and apply good lifestyle after this to ensure a better and healthier lifestyle....amin...insya-Allah...

Another lesson that I learned which is also important...is about marriage...I sometimes tell myself, some people live to be alone, which some may not exactly want to and was never lucky enough to find the one true partner and some may really want to settle down but was also not having much luck or always seems to meet the wrong one...but hey, who am I to judge people's love life right and heck, I thought I'd never find the one true man too...in actual truth, I think, there's no such thing as 'the one'...but I do see now how beautiful marriage and having a family is when you are all alone lying on a bed in a hospital....when all you can hope is your siblings and their children would hopefully occasionally come and visit you and maybe stay awhile or long enough to accompany you in your crucial times...this is where I am so thankful to be given a husband by Allah...to be given a child, where some may say he's not perfect and have special needs, which to me I can tell them, what do you know about perfect or normal, are you perfect or normal yourself? ....but this is where I see the beauty of having a partner and a family to be there for you and with you at times in pain, sorrow and grief...nothing beats a love from a husband, nothing beats a love from a child...i love you abang and you too Ridhwan...mama is sooooo lucky to have you in my life and mama will try my best to be a better wife and mother as best as I can cause you both are the world to me...and I hope one day, if I should fall sick, you both and hopefully more of Ridhwan's sibling will be by my side all the way...wallahualam...

An emotional roller coaster week..

This week I started of with a surprising and happy news, then an alarming news and then a shocking and upsetting news...all within 3 days..On monday, I heard a wonderful news from a friend of mine and I was so happy for her that I talked about it again and again with my hubby. Sorry darling, bosan dah dengar yea...

Then tuesday when I was exercising Ridhwan at Nury, my mom received a call from my aunt and told me that my grandfather had breathing difficulties and was rushed to the hospital by an ambulance. We cut short Ridhwan's exercise and decided to go back early so my mom could go to the hospital to see my grandfather. Luckily he was not too bad, it was a close case to pneumonia but it was not....alhamdulillah...

Then, wednesday morning as I was getting reading to tube feed Ridhwan before we go to SJMC for Ridhwan's physio with Sarjit, my mom received a call from the line phone...and it was early morning so it's usually something serious or important and she mentioned my aunt's name...i was worried...ya Allah, please let my grandfather be fine....but as I was washing the feeding apparatus and all, so I was in and out of the kitchen and couldn't really hear the conversation...then when my mom placed the phone down...she said, my aunt fell down in the bathroom and had a stroke!! Ya Allah...no...not auntie sheila....It seems one of her blood vessels broke and she was now waiting to be warded into the ICU...I was shocked and devastated...and since hubby haven't gone to work..he quickly decided to take EL that day....

So, within three days....I had an emotional roller coaster ride....my friend I'm sure is still in cloud nine, my grandfather is discharging today, alhamdulillah...and my aunt, she has overcomed the 24 hours critical moment but the future is yet unknown...all I know, I pray to Allah that she gets well soon and give strength to my family to go through this ordeal as I think it has been a very eventful time for all of us, these pass 2 years....semoga Allah beri kesabaran, keyakinan dan ketabahan dalam segala dugaan yang dilalui...wallahualam...

I'm so happy for you!

I know, i know, u told me to not put any pics here...hehee..but I can't help informing everyone how happy I am for you and looking forward to the wonderful day...its going to be the best time of your life and I hope all your dreams will come true and I'll be able to be a part of it every step of the way....So Happy for you my dear!!

Reading room

I've been watching the advert on hallmark channel about a movie called 'Reading Room' for some time now. Was wondering when was it going to be aired on but didn't really bother to see the date and time. However, after watching my fave show Desperate Housewives just now, as usual when hubby is away, TV seems the be the next best thing and friend to be with, I quickly used my oh so skillfull fore finger to start changing channels on the remote control and ended up at the Hallmark channel. Then I said, ooh, its that show they've been advertising lately. And I ended up hooked on it, but like the movie titled 'Tuesday's with Morrie' which I never watched the ending, bought the book though and plan to read it soon, here I am blogging away instead of watching the show until the end.

What touched me in the movie, was about the people, all ages, but mostly teenagers in this movie, and their difficulties in reading. It made me wonder a lot about Ridhwan and that made me shed a tear or actually a few tears...why? Well, when you have a special needs child, you somehow take a bit more effort to learn about disabilities and its effects, especially children cause you have one on your own. Since going to Nury itself, it made me see different children with different needs and disabilities too. That made me thought, ya Allah, how thankful I am to have eyes to see, eyes to read, and a mouth to make sounds that turns out to words and then to sentences and eventually to a language that not only I can understand but others around me too. And then I thought, how we seem to take, or more accurately, I seem to have taken all these most important 5 senses for granted when there are people out there who may never have all 5 of them or are struggling to achieve to master the 5 senses. And for that, it definitely made me think of my son Ridhwan....

I've always heard about SATs in the USA and it seems to be quite an important test, probably equivalent to SPM over here in Malaysia. But one interesting thing in the movie that I learned was that there was such a thing as an untime test where the children or teenagers could to their SATs or other tests I presume, at an untime period, meaning until they can complete it. These applies to people who have dyslexia and so forth. Gosh, how can I be so ignorant I thought. That gave me a thought, do they have that here? I guess they would as recently, a partially or fully blind gal scored her STPM and that shows despite her disabilities, she actually is an intelligent young girl who just have the disability of not having a good eyesight which we, so called normal people may have always taken it for granted...and that brought me to even more tears...and that made me thought even more about Ridhwan as I realise, how it is my sole duty to educate my son, and give him the chance to have the best education and most importantly..teach him the beauty and excitement of reading...to learn how to read....ya Allah, give me strentgh to be able to read more so I may help my son as much as I can...give me strength and commitment and consistency to be there for my son as much as possible, to educate him, stimulate him and not one day, to complain of exhaustion and tiredness, as he demands, he requires and he deserves the best education and most of all...he deserves to know and understand how to read...wallahualam....

Convo story...a continuation

Gosh..it takes me such a long time to finish telling my convo story ya..hehee..well, guess what, I got sick after my convo and it prolonged to more than a week and then we started with Nury's exercises and so my days are filled for Ridhwan's physio, exercise regime at Nury and the occasional visits to SJMC for the monthly or bi-monthly follow up....

Anyway, where was I...oh ya, to cut the story short, the procession of us graduates into the hall was very short actually, we were walking quite fast and there we were cramped up in our seats in the Dewan Sri Budiman Hall. Seriously, I just don't see why UiTM won't spend some money to make a good hall to cater for their annual convocations...and to think that they have the convo twice in a year..I should know lah kan, cause living so near the UiTM you can't help noticing and hearing the sirens of the policeman or the outriders bringing in the VIP...hehee...yup, that is how near my house is to UiTM...

After some really cool video footage of UiTM, which was really nice actually cause it showcased UiTM during their, ummm, some very long time ago ...hehee...can't seem to remember the name of the institute before it became UiTM...or even ITM...yes, they had some other name even before ITM...which I so can't remember at this moment...well, one of the video really made me cry as the song was the common 'kasi semangat' song...which is the "We are the champions" by Queen...the song happened to be one of my favourite songs pulak tu (thank my brother for making me hear Queen's song in the 80s again and again from his room..) ...but it was when I saw the video with the song in the background showing graduates smilling ang giggling away looking at the camera, clapping, with family, some crying, some laughing, some seriously listening to the speeches...I couldn't help myself thinking...gosh here I am, finally receiving my Masters scroll which I never thought of even taking especially when I first started working...so, must thank all my ex-colleagues lah for 'inspiring' me to further my studies and 'running' from the working environment...hehee, ya u all know what I mean kan....study=blah from company....

The video footage made me nearly cry but eventually I didn't cry as it would be too embarassing to be crying in between the boys and the engineering boys sitting near me spoiled my moment as they started making silly jokes...sigh, engineering boys will be engineering boys...made me remembered the boys in UIA dulu..always having some witty things to say...hehee...miss those days lah...

Anyway, then the anticipated moment of the agung entering the hall....of course before that there was the VC and deans and what not processions in the hall which sadly i couldn't be bothered actually...hahaa..oh but I was surprised to see my grand auntie walking with the procession ...she's a judge you see and it seemed that UiTM was giving some award for the chief justice...head...in short ketua hakim negara lah...heehee..

And so the speeches were given..and more speeches...and even more speeches...and at last, it was time to walk and receive my scroll...yippee!! well, not so yippee as it happened too fast that there I was lining up and the next moment I heard them announcing "Pemenang anugerah sarjana cemerlang, Shahreenaz Abdul Latip..." and I was pushed to go to the agung and was thinking, must say junjung kasih tuanku...must say that...and there it was, the agung opened his mouth and said "tahniah", that I was so shocked that I only smiled and took the scroll without saying junjung kasih tuanku..darn....all because I was shocked that he was actually going to open his mouth and say something...hahahaa...oh well, it seemed I was not the only who forgot what happened on the stage. I guess everyone was so nervous and anxious that everyone had some temporary memory block up at the stage and when they saw the agung....hehee...

At last, the ceremony was over and there waiting for me outside of the hall was my darling hubby and sweetie pie of mine, my son Ridhwan....I wanted to cry when I saw them but was actually exhausted of the waiting, that I told, lets just take some pictures and go home...I was darn hungry by then...hehee...that's the best part of staying near your uni ya...

Anyway, in the evening we took a family photo at the studio..our very first formal photo of my family...me, hubby and darling son...this photo is a memorable photo for me as it will always be a reminder for me, of the hurdle my whole family had to endure before but kept as stonger and closer....and as they say, the sweetness that you get to taste after all that is indescribable....

This time last week

This hour last week, I was anxious thinking about my convocation ceremony which was held on the 24th May 2007. I was worried I will forget to say "Menjunjung Kasih Tuanku", which I actually DID forget to say pun, after shocked to hear him utter Tahniah to me! Yes, I thought our Agung was just gonna smile and nod which he did to many others..hahaha...so, i forgot to say thank you and what not pun...oh well, if I thought we were nervous receiving the scroll from him, I think he was even more nervous than us! My hubby even said he looked liked a nervous wreck...hehee, wonder how hubby thought he looked like that pulak lah yea...

Anyway, it was a wonderful occassion, as at time or actually one time only, I actually felt like crying. Maybe if I was sitting next to Zack or in between the gals, I would have just shed a tear but sitting in between the boys in line, naaah, that would be a bit embarassing ;o) I woke up early or actually the usual early, to go to Dewan Sri Budiman at UiTM by 7 am. But being a woman and especially a mother, there was just so many things to do and you know, adjusting your scarf, making sure it had a sharp edge near the forehead area, but instead it looked rounded in the end...and kissing Ridhwan goodbye with hubby too and telling hubby, "You'd better be there after the ceremony or else..." ...so after all the commotion and oh yeah, telling my mom, no ma you look fine, I'm the one who should be worried if I looked fine! Heehee...we reached there about 7.20 am plus like that....and being the ever must be punctual person I am...I showed my mom and dad just to hang around the Dewan before they usher them into the hall and was interested to see the guard of honors practicing or god knows what they were doing...but I instead rushed to the Bangunan Budisiswa to reach there in time to register.

Register?? What register??!! All I could see after climbing many steps of stairs and down a few stairs, all I could see were graduates and some with parents hanging around as if the convocation has just ended or no one knows where it is. Great, here I am thinking I was late and here was everyone wandering around wondering where is the registration booth or table. So happened, after calling Zack and meeting up with classmates, there was no such thing as registration. Cehh!! It seems all they wanted was for you to hang around there and when it was time they call you by the numbers they have allocated and given earlier through post. Hmm...but admist the calling fo numbers, Zack, Fuza and I was panicking about our robe and shawl or whatever they call it, as it seems everyone was wearing it in some weird way or wrong way..So, pins here, anxiety there...it was a crazy few hours for us...hehee...

From left: Imran, Selamat, Zakiah@Zack and me

Though, the anxiety and nervousness died out a bit when we were waiting in line near the long corridor with old and new pictures of UiTM student, lecturers and activities..There we were just waiting for the convo staff to give us our number card. That was the time the others were taking out their cameras and taking pics. Darn, why didn't I take the camera from my mom! Anyway, I was able to grab some of the pics from Tika's blog, thanks Tika. However, the highlight or the special moment during the lining up was when the convo staff came to me with a gold and purple lining sash as if I was one of the Ms. Universe contestants. Ya, as if!! I mean the Ms. Universe thing..and she wore it on my robe... it was when the staff was pining the sash, I felt so proud and wanted to cry too, for finally all my dreams, sacrifices and hardwork has eventually paid off, alhamdulillah...I was actually wearing THE special sash any graduate would love to wear...Even some graduates was teasing with the convo staff if there were extras to be worn so they could have it...hehee...

It was at that moment I wanted to cry too and thought...Reenaz, you're here...you have finally realised your dream to be one of the best and you did it! Your inspiration was your son and with support from hubby and family..and here you are...you were finally being recognized for it...that...was the best moment of my convocation....

After that, everyone wanted to take a picture of me cause I wore THE sash, was kind of embarassing actually but some were telling, why be shy about it cause they'd die to have one on. True...but it was awkward cause here I am, was always the average student during bachelor studies, always envying people who did well during my bachelor convocation and wishing I didn't play too much...and here I am one of them...ya Allah, I am so thankful to you..syukur sangat2x....

After the many taking pictures moment, we actually were walking...and even running at some point...the convocation or in malay "Istiadat Konvokesyen" was about to start...now, that was something to worry about now...and that is another continuation as I need to take a eat....sayonara and till we meet again...

Ridhwan dear....mama's anugerah ijazah sarjana cemerlang is for you...ganbatte Ridhwan!!

Hari convocation ku....

Had to be the best day in my life after my wedding day...will write more about it soon! So check it out ya....

Esok convo! Woohoo!

Can't believe it, the day I have been waiting for all this while has finally arrived...no, not my wedding day, that was nearly 4 years ago already..wow nearly 4 years yea..anyway, its my convocation!! yahoo...my masters degree convocation...wow, and to think that I used to envy some of my friends who have their masters already or ex-colleagues who had them..and now, alhamdulillah its my turn! Its really mine at last! Heehee...

Though, the biggest highlight for me tomorrow would be receiving my scroll from the newly elected agung! Waaah! It seems UiTM's chancellor is the Agung and it so happens that I am receiving it from the newly elected Sultan Terengganu who is now the new Agung. Partly I must say I'm excited about it but part of me says "great, here goes the tedious and long boring ceremony that I have to endure.." ..Hehe! Yes, I just hate these protocols. Can't we just get down to business!! But oh well, not everyday you get to see the Agung right and a new one pulak tu. So, I should be enjoying myself there tomorrow, Insya-Allah.

But the most special highlight of the day is when I take a photo of myself with my son, as if it is not beacuse of him I might not even be having a convo as I'd have quited long time ago...So, this convocation and mama's scroll is especially dedicated for you Ridhwan! Your strength, your patience have made me decide to complete my masters and alhamdulillah with flying colours too...if it wasn't to show and prove to Ridhwan that at times of hardship we must be patience and do our best and most of all complete what you have stared..I would have not finished this Msc at all...so, darling Ridhwan, this is for you!!

So, tomorrow by 8 am I'll be at Dewan Sri Budiman, UiTM waiting for my turn to go up to the stage to receive my scroll from the Agung. Hopefully it'll be a good day and what better way to celebrate the convo with my parents, my dearest hubby and darling son. Yea! Yea! Esok convo...

I'm graduating! Yahoo!!

The letter has finally arrived!!!...actually not even a letter, its a convocation booklet, ceh...why couldn't they just give a formal letter...nie mesti nak jimat duit punyer pasal..oh well, I can't be bothered about that cause it tells me that I'll be having my masters graduation soon! Alhamdulillah sangat2x...yippee! and at that point when I was reading the booklet, I kept telling myself...my dear, you actually have a masters degree and you completed it! You actually completed it! After all the hardship you had to go through, the whole family actually had to endure it...you actually proved yourself that you could do it...ya Allah, bersyukur sangat2x...so here I'd like to mention some names that have always been there throughout my studies this 2 years, where they have been my sole support in time of my darkest studies hours and also an inspiration....and so here it goes, first, to my father, your determination and confidence in me have been a source of inspiration, if it wasn't your faith towards me, I would have quited my masters long time ago, and now I truly see why you are such a great man and most importantly, a great scientist, I may not say this much to you but I love and respect you so much!...next to my wonderful mother, your patience and love was something Ridhwan and I have been showered so many times and till today it has not once diminish, and I love you for that, I love you mama! you know i do, hehee...and the next very important person in my life.. my husband, my love, my hope, my support and most of all my strength.. your faith and confidence in me at times when I kept giving up during my studies has made me stand up every time I fall down, your constant encouragement and support, like printing, arranging papers and even handing over the assignments, is something that I can never repay abang... and for that my darling, you are the greatest men and husband a wife can ever have, I love you my love!!...next, to my brother and sis-in law for their concerns and encouragement, thank you so much for being there for me, oh, not forgetting the twins, hehee..and also very important people in my life, my grandparents and my aunts and uncle, who've been very concern and updating themseleves in my studies progress, I love you all and your prayers is very much appreciated...and finally my wonderful friends, first Ainil, every chatting session with you have been really wonderful and your understanding in my situation helped me a lot, thanks ainil, love ya....and not forgetting one very good friend whom I've known ever since I entered UIA and have been a real inspiration to me, my dear friend, Izan...your advice and constant encouragement to me was one of the reason I never gave up...thanks Chiya, love ya too! I doa that you will achieve the best in your current Phd. which is finishing soon...ganbatte chiya!

To all who have been there to give me words of wisdom and encouragement on and off, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart...thank you and may Allah bless you....

Blogging again and Glenn on my mind...

Gosh, its been such a long time I've not written in this blog of mine....been so busy attending to ridhwan that I totally forgot that this blog existed..hehe..also, when i tried to post something here, they told me that my blog was spam! spam??? what do you mean spam??!! anyway, thanks blogger for un-spamming my blog very fast...thank god my blog wasn't ban or something....

Anyway, I've been doing more reading lately and also watching TV too...hehe..i'm now a TV addict...No! No! However, I can say that I'm watching less TV and more reading now, yes only now, recently..insya-Allah, hehee..can't help having ASTRO kan...maybe should ban it when we move out later...hahaha....but reading is good as I need to read a lot to help ridhwan and his condition and I've been reading glenn doman's book AND I soooo recommend to every parent out there looking for a good book to help your child be it normal or brain-injured ones, as called by Glenn Doman. His books are just wonderful! So, you book junkies out there or thinking of starting to read a book especially on parenting I would highly recommend Glenn Doman's book. The whole set of them! I've acquired 3 so far but reading one book first as it will help a lot to stimulate ridhwan and achieve his potential...yup, potential, in Glenn Doman's book, he mentions that every child has a potential to be great and achieve wonderful things, and that applies to normal children and also brain-injured ones too. He also gave me hope, something, that doctors have not been giving me at all ever since Ridhwan was diagnosed as microcephaly and cerebal palsy...

You see, when your child has cerebral palsy or down syndrome or hydrocephalic and so forth, most doctors would be your worst enemy by saying or giving you no hope at all that your child will ever be a normal kid or as normal as he should..though alhamdulillah my paed and especially our rehab doctor have given us lots of hope but not enough..hmm..sound like a kiasu mother lah pulak yea....but u can't help it actually...i mean, as a person who has learn science, heck was in science stream pun and did science work..sort of, hehee...well, you can't help wondering when you read so many articles or journals and they keep mentioning about the other percentage usage of the brain..the percentage that is not being used by us, so called-normal people...if they keep claiming that there are parts of the brain that have not been uncovered till now, then, couldn't there be the possibility of that part of the brain being able to be tapped for those who are called brain-injured ...as an example my own son

With that in mind, I kept praying and hoping..yes, for a mother to a special need child, hope is very important and most of all doa...yes, hoping that maybe, that by any chance that ridhwan may lead a very normal life and be able to walk, talk, run and have a family of his own...and i mean not with another brain-injured person but maybe, yes maybe, a normal girl like me or any other girl out there...good ones, that is, hehee, kecik lagik and mama dia dah very protective ...so, you just can't help wanting and wishing that, and also you tend to seek anything out there that may give that hope and chance...and I actually did..

I first came to know about Glenn Doman and his great work when my dad was surfing away on the internet about ridhwan and things we could do to help him..and this was way before ridhwan was even one years old...and there by chance, my dad came upon a very interesting website called the Institute of Achievement of Human Potential in Philadelhpia, USA. And so I read about the website and was amazed at what some of the brain injured children has achieved with themselves through the insititute, and I read more and more in the website and suddenly notice that one picture was showing a child holding onto a monkey bar or actually called a brachiation ladder..and was just enjoying herself, smilling away and hanging away(like a monkey, sorry to say)..and I thought, wow, imagine that, this 'baby' and I mean a "baby" could do that?? and I just starred in awe...then I looked again..and I started thinking, with my not-much knowledge on brain injured children at that time, and told myself..if i wouldn't know better, the child or baby looked very much like a down syndrome child...and I looked again..and I could have sworn it WAS a down child...and thought, if it was a down child, my god, that's amazing!! I mean, I knew that most down children would have some physical problems just like cerebral palsy(CP) child have and if I was right..she could hang onto the ladder without any help??!!! Seriously??? And that started the search for the institute...

However, I was sort of dissapointed that the institute only had their branches everywhere else but malaysia...and so that made me thought, hmm, that's the end of my so called search for hope in malaysia...I even thought of migrating to the US and heck, why not even continue my Phd. there! Ya right, well not exactly ya right cause I had to think about lots of other circumstances of making that decision of migrating to the US and also money was something we don't have much at that time...but of course, when it comes to your child, you'd try very hard and think up of every way to give the best to you child. And so, I decided, finish up my masters first lah, complete it once and for all to show to Ridhwan that what you've started you should end it and end it in the best way possible, alhamdulillah, 'that', I've completed and proved to Ridhwan that no matter how hard it was for me and probably for himself too, that I prevailed...alhamdulillah...

As have been told and taught so many times to me, doa is the most powerful thing to a muslim and so I prayed very hard that one day, insya-Allah some way or somehow I will find a place or hope to help Ridhwan to be as normal as can be...and as they say, doa mak tu dimakbulkan, my auntie introduced me to this place called Nury Institute. The institute was doing some of Glenn Doman's program or work and as my knowledge of Glenn's program or method was very minimal and also trying to juggle masters at the same time, I decided to forgo the program first. Also, they had these parenting course which was on weekends every month and so happened that all my classes was on weekends...darn...though, as they say, semuanya ada hikmahnya...after completing my masters, I finally, yes finally had the opportunity to participate in the parenting course...and as much as I regret for enrolling so late as Ridhwan is already a year plus, I am so thankful that I've found Nury....The parenting course was just great!!...and here again, I'd recommend to all parents to enrol in them in what I must say quite affordable and comprehensive parenting course I've ever been..so okay, maybe I haven't attended much parenting course but compared to the japanese method that I've been attending, I must say, Nury's parenting course is a real eye-opener and also it does not only caters normal children but most importantly, it reaches out to parents to special needs children or as Glenn would say it, brain-injured children...

As I took part in the course which was held two days from morning to evening, I found out that, Nury has been applying every program and method of Glenn's and the head of Nury herself is very close to him! Ya Allah, my prayers have been answered!! I've finally found something and some place that I could do something about Ridhwan's condition and Insya-Allah, Ridhwan may just be able to do what all the normal children are able to do....and for that my search had actually ended...but the journey has just begun...but with the journey...i found hope...hope that at one point was lost...hope is something we special needs children parents cling to and craved for...and I so understand that....if we don't have hope, we can't appreciate everything in our life today and live our life as if there is no tomorrow...and I HOPE that with this new journey which may be difficult or easier that I will be strong and have lots of patience...wallahualam...

Lots and lots of equipments!!

What equipments? Ridhwan's 'toys' as I call it is gonna put a dent in our savings but every penny of it is worth it as its for Ridhwan's development, all in all with the standing frame, corner chair, AFO and wedge it will be amounted to around more than 2K! Yikes, yup, that's how much all those things will cost and THAT is considered cheap mind you...so for that, my hubby and I have decided that we will put on hold any renovation or moving out to our new house as money is quite tight for us at the moment. Besides, money spend on ridhwan and his development is much more important. We thought that we could use the saving for the house as much as we could but slowly I do see the trend that as times goes by Ridhwan would need certain equipments as to speed up his development and that is very important for him. Also, there will be a new centre that we plan to go to which hopefully will help Ridhwan to speed up his development further, insya-Allah...tapi tu lah yea, kita merancang Allah yang menentukannya kan...like for example, my hubby and I planned to move into our new house and make it into a weekend home as a get away once in a while kan or actually every weekend but for now it doesn't seem that feasible...maybe not these few months maybe..but kita tak tahu kan, sometimes fate has a twist and maybe my hubby will win some cash competition or something!! hahaha..ya right, anyway, this is where I am thankful that I have learned the hard way or easy way, not so sure about this, but learn to be thankful with what I have and that include money..hehe..

When I first quit my job I must admit I was worried about not getting a monthly salary in my bank...I was even thinking, what I am going to do with no money to even buy a magazine..hehe...ke situ I fikir yea...but actually kan, its not too bad with no monthly income cause it really teaches you to be thrifty and that teaches me the value of being grateful with what you have...as a woman, you know you tend to love shopping, hehee...or is it me alone, no its not just me, its woman's nature to love shopping and spend...which sometimes is good but mostly bad if you tend to splurge on things you don't really need...also, I admit, once, I did envy friends who are working who seems to have no worries at all to spend on lots of things during sales or at any time especially those who are not married yet or have children..but then i realised that I don't really need and want those things that they have or buy them, as I am happy with what I have and that again goes back to the teaching of Islam that says bersyukur dengan apa yang ada and hidup dalam kesederhanaan...which is soooo true....sometimes you tend to think twice again when questions are raised asking how are you going to juggle savings when hubby is the only breadwinner in the family and there are so much things the money needs to be used for especially in the case of Ridhwan and a new house...but then I believe that it would be okay, alhamdulillah my mom survived not working and was living on my dad's money alone and we all turned out fine alhamdulillah..and also, I believe in rezeki, kalau ada rezeki tak akan ke mana, rezeki ridhwan has been very murah lately and I am thankful to Allah for that. As much as I crack my head thinking that there are a lot of money need to be used for ridhwan's development but it's so worth it as it is for my son and right now my son is more important than any career or money. I also realised that there will never be a time when you will say that money is enough already, and you'll actually keep wanting more of it...when you have reached that amount of salary you thought would be enough, you'd say I still want more, so I'll work for it, then, when you have achieved it, you tell yourself again, no, i still need more, it's still not enough...then the cycle will continue again and again and you will feel that the money will never be enough....and so once, I was actually thinking it that way..but when you decide, whatever you already have is actually enough, it may be not much but truthfully we're very okay and happy, then you see that being thankful with what you have and making the best of what you have makes you happier and more content...that, I must thank my mom for making me see that money may never be enough but its how you manage it and use it for good use that makes you thankful for everything that is with you...thank you mama...I guess that's why we always see on TV that there are families with large number of children but not exactly rich but very happy and children are all doing well too...that's where syukur comes in kan...

With that also, I truly see now how some women have devoted their time and effort for their special needs child as they believe that the one person that can help the child realise their dream especially in their condition is their mother...and as glenn doman wrote in his book, the oldest and most honorable profession in the world is mothering..and interesting enough, he wrote, professional mothers are fulltime mothers who approach their work with the same passion and dedication that other top-flight professionals devote to being engineers, doctors, lawyers and so forth. Hmm....in this new era and modern world, not many people see this anymore and with the state of living now, Its often that we see that women tend to go out and work but slowly after reading doman's book, I see again why mother's in the old days stayed at home more and nurture their children themselves...so i hope I'll be able to do that Insya-Allah and be the best mother to Ridhwan, insya-Allah...

So to all housewife mother's out there, you guys are the greatest and to all working mothers out there, i salute you for juggling a career and motherhood together...and so mummies, i give you a biiiig hug for being a wonderful mother you are! Hugs!!!

Every day....

Everyday when you on your pc or laptop, which websites do you visit first? ...hmmm...I was thinking of that question when asked by my friend in the forwarded emails recently...and so here it is...as usual, as soon as I on my laptop my yahoo messenger will automatically be logged in..then I'd open my Mozilla Firefox browser and immediately the page will show the main yahoo website...then off to the yahoo mail to check my mails, which has a few accounts too..heehee...then control T a few times to open more windows, usually one for friendster, one for my blog here :P and lastly, one to view family and friends fotopages...yup...that's about the routine everyday or whenever I on my laptop...hehee..so, happy browsing to me and happy browsing to everyone out there! Ciao!

Ridhwan and the standing frame

Last Tuesday, we had our weekly physiotherapy session with Sarjit at SJMC. As usual we'd reach there earlier so we can get good parking and also I had to eat breakfast first as it was so embarassing that my tummy was grumbling away in one of the previous physio session with Sarjit. Either she didn't hear it or just ignored. Heehee...Nevertheless, I myself can't help her much with physio if I was darn hungry before the session...hehe..and so MUST have breakfast before the session. Besides, with all the rushing and packing and feeding before going for our weekly physio, I usually end up not even drinking any water not even plain water whenever I reached the physio department. So, breakfast for mama before Ridhwan's physio..heheee

Anyway, as usually Ridhwan would be greeted by the ever friendly therapist at the physiotherapy department...did u know, that there are many types of therapy, i mean occupational, physio, speech, vision and so forth...and all this while I've only heard of physio only...well, back to the story, as usual I'd be pushing Ridhwan to the paeds therapy room which is sound proofed to ensure that the child does not get distracted during the session. Trust me, Ridhwan heard other children voices once when the door was left open for awhile, he just couldn't be bothered to listen to what Sarjit asked him to do...hehee..then again, he usually doesn't want to listen to what Sarjit asked pun...hahaha...oh well, wonderful child he is....

well, this time, or actually this was the 3rd time, Ridhwan was placed on the standing frame to help him strengthen his legs and also to stimulate his senses especially on the legs..you see, Ridhwan is still unable to stand properly and he is already 19 months old which is one year and 7 months...and so, unlike other children or toddlers his age, he should be able to stand right now and running around wildly learning that he has a pair of legs to move around...but he doesn't...and its okay cause he is of course very special ;o) However, I realise that he did enjoy the standing frame a lot and was not crying or in any pain which is very good as Sarjit mentioned that different children may react differently and may even hate the standing frame...but alhamdulillah, Ridhwan loves it and realise a whole new view for him to explore..sian anak mama, dia nak sangat duduk and diri and move around tapi tak terdaya lagi yea...takpa ridhwan, kita usaha sama2x nanti insya-Allah Ridhwan akan reach your milestones gak you...mama akan doa banyak2x to fulfill your dreams tu, insya-Allah....

And so the standing frame would be used in our weekly therapy where the amount of time given to Ridhwan to stand using the standing frame would be increased gradually...so initially, it has been 10 minutes and that is actually very good progress as I am told! Alhamdulillah...

However, then there is the issue of, maybe he should use it everyday! Aiyaak...yup, it means we would probably need to purchase it and place it at home so he may have the opportunity of doing the therapy everyday instead of once a week only at SJMC...then there is the issue of the price! Fiuh....but so far, we've asked our ever sweet dear rehab Dr. and alhamdulillah the frame is still affordable, Insya-Allah...but I am slowly seeing the trend that we may need to purchase other equipments as ridhwan gets older and depends on his progress...and that sorts of making me scared as currently I'm enjoying my leisure time at home taking care of ridhwan..

Though the real truth is...I love staying at home and the truth is, I would rather sacrifice my career and time for Ridhwan as the joy of staying at home and being a housewife is not that bad..well, not yet kot cause still staying with parents and they have a servant kan..hehee..but then again, I always felt that Ridhwan needs me more and yes, we do need the money...but insya-Allah I always doa and feel that rezeki tu akan datang jugak, and ada nanti and slowly we will ikhtiar somehow no matter what...and right now, what's important is that I am there for ridhwan and I am doing what I should be doing for my special needs son...and insya-Allah ada nanti rezeki tu nanti kan....so, pray that Ridhwan selalu murah rezeki and that he will stand soon when he starts using the standing frame everyday ya!

Tengah nak pakai kan velcro yang sungguh banyak


Sarjit placing the velcro at all appropriate places


Okay, Ridhwan is standing! Yippee!!


Yea! Yea! I can play with the tambourine! ..Apa lah yang Sarjit tak puas hati tu...hehee


This is how the standing frame and its accompanying table looks like side view...the orange crab is from IKEA and its one of Ridhwan's favourite toys ;o)

Kasih sayang ...

I remember listening to this song in the car with my hubby and I after Shichida class...I never really listened to the lyrics before, but I knew it was written by arwah Zairi in Raihan...but that day when I actually listened to the lyrics, I actually cried...the song is very simple and yet the lyrics is very meaningful...I don't know why I actually cried but I guess after all that has happened to me the songs really made sense to me... so I dedicate this song to all my friends out there with the message, love one another, forgive one another and most of all love the almighty endlessly...wallahualam..

Kasih Sayang
by Raihan

Kasih sayang itu titi
Kasih sayang penghubung hati
Kasih sayang itu tali
Kasih sayang pengikat diri

Dari kasih timbul simpati
Dengan sayang ada persaudaraan
Kerana kasih ingin berbakti
Saling sayang ma'af mema'afkan

Kasih sayang itu baja
Kasih sayang penyubur jiwa
Kasih sayang itu penawar
Penguat cinta penghapus duka

Kasih manusia sering bermusim
Sayang manusia tiada abadi
Kasih TUHAN tiada bertepi
Sayang TUHAN janji-NYA pasti

Tanpa kasih sayang TUHAN
Tiada simpati tiada persaudaraan
Tanpa kasih sayang TUHAN
Tiada bakti tiada kema'afan

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Feeling lost at times...

You know, as a mother of a child who has microcephaly and is considered cerebral palsy, I always wonder about mothers out there whith similar situations like me or some even worse...and I always wonder when I feel so down and lost at times...are they feeling the same too? Or are they feeling even worse or are they taking it all calmly..truthfully lah kan, no matter how calm I may seem at times, I panic too and I freak out and god knows, how I worry like mad when it comes to Ridhwan's situation...sometimes, I can't help being lost and in a dazed with what to do with Ridhwan...especially these days as it is slowly sinking into my head that Ridhwan needs more than just the normal physio or OT he goes through every week but he also needs equipments...he actually need a standing frame...I know it will take some time and less I hope, for Ridhwan to finally be able to support himself by standing and eventually walking around..but for now...he needs a standing frame...and truthfully my friends, deep down, I am sort of crying as I wish he didn't have to have such equipment and would be able to run around like any other children his age...somtimes, I must admit, it really takes real strength to see my friends children who are normal and who can run, and play and grasp things and not telling myself I wish Ridhwan was like that....but then, I'm glad I don't say that or feel that way much or often as Shichida method helped me a lot by appreciating our or my child as who he is and how he is.... but sometimes, this mother to a wonderful boy can't help crying or feeling lost when it comes to seeing ridhwan in situations that I wish so much will just stop...and this is about the reflux that he keeps getting whenever he drinks...it just breaks my heart each time he looks as if everything inside his throat or stomach is pushing itself out his throat..it is as if some alien thing is forcing itself to come out from his throat...sob...sob....gosh, this must be one of those days when I feel so vulnerable with anything....but sometimes, when I feel lost like this (and oh ya..it is that time of the month pun..hehe), I would go and get my strength back by visiting a very special website about a very pretty young girl called Kaylee, link to Kaylee's Palace. She too has microcephaly but she now has progress and improved so much that I admire her mother's strength and commitment to her in achieving her milestones one by one...way to go Kaylee and keep it up Kaylee's mummy! A section in the website that I always like to read when I feel down is this :

Coping With Finding Out That Your Child Has Microcephaly

This is most likely going to be the hardest time of your life. You need to remember that it will get easier. It's pretty unimaginable when you are in the situation. Doctors are constantly informing you of the worst case scenario's for your child. Remember that the doctors don't know everything and certainly cannot predict your child's future. Kaylee has already proven the doctors wrong numerous times! Try to surround yourself with friends and family. Sometimes you will feel like you are the only one that understands what you are going through. I joined the Yahoo Microcephaly Group and there are a lot of parents on there that will understand exactly where you are coming from! They have helped me a lot and I have met a lot of wonderful people. Don't forget to take care of yourself. You have to be your child's advocate and if you don't take care of yourself then no one will be left to take care of your child! God has already written the book of life for your child...remember whatever happens is meant to be and you can't do anything to change it! The main thing to remember is that it will get easier!

Whenever I read this, it makes me feel alive again that there are mothers out there with simillar situations as I am in or even worse and each are doing their best to make ends meet as easy as possible. Also, it gives me a wake up call again that I can't afford to slack or laze around at all...you know, when you work, well when I was working last time, if I just get sick of my work I'd just on my mp3 or start chatting with friends to loose some steam as they call it...but with raising a child and a special needs child, you'd realise there's no such things as slacking or lazing around as time is so precious to you and every moment and second spend on playing, talking and exercising him is a step further for him to reach his milestones ..I guess in a way sometimes that is why I feel so lost at times about time for myself and also for friends...lost with the priority of time for ridhwan or for myself, but as Kaylee's mom says, I have to take care of myself as I'm the only thing Ridhwan has now, without me Ridhwan is not able to do anything, without me he may be lost...I am his world and there is no one more imprtant to him now but me and the same for me...and for that I can't be lost...or lost in translation..hehee..like the movie...or just like Lost the TV series...but then when I think about the word lost again, am i really lost? or am i in denial...denial to the fact that I must always remember reality isn't that great but no matter what happens I'll get over it...and that there's a wonderful rainbow waiting for me and Ridhwan out there..waiting to shine brightly with beautiful colours in our life...wallahaualam...all I know, I must never stop praying to Allah..and believe in myself and most of all Ridhwan....Ridhwan...mama sorry if mama is lost at times...but sometimes mama pressure with things that happens or is happening around me...mama is sometimes overwhelmed with duty as a wife, a mother, a daughter and also as a friend..sometimes when everyone expects to much of mama, mama gets lost...lost in my world of lostness...hehee...no such word actually...so sayang, be strong for yourself and insya-Allah mama try to be strong for myself too kay....lets not be lost anymore...let us be heroes...hehee..like the new TV series...

I love you Ridhwan....mmmmuaaaah!

Before I was a mum poem...this is so true ;o)

Before I was a Mum
by Balqish(taken from Friendster)

Before I was a Mum
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mum,
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got
into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mum
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot
words of lullabies.

Before I was a Mum
I didnt worry whether or not my plants
were poisonous. I never thought of
immunizations

Before I was a Mum
I had never been puked on
Pooped on
Spit on
Chewed on
Peed on
Or pinched by tiny fingers

Before I was a Mum I had complete control of
My Thoughts
My Body
And my mind.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mum
I never held down a screaming child so
that doctors could do tests
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a
simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mum
I never held a sleeping baby just
because I didnt want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a
million pieces when I couldnt stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone
so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mum.

Before I was a Mum
I didnt know the feeling of having my
heart outside my body.

A new year..a new hope..

Alhamdulillah it is now 2007....A new year...new events to happen...new memories to be cherished and remembered and who knows new friends to meet too..wallahualam...to me, the year 2006 has been a very eventful year for me..it starts with the starting of a new 2nd semester for me at UiTM to complete my Masters in Computer Science..with a heavy heart I enrolled myself in the classes again when my heart was longing to just stay at home and be with ridhwan as he needs me more than my classes or lecturers..however, 2nd semester in UiTM have been fruitful and results were flying colours alhamdulillah..then it was the anticipated wedding of the year for me and between my close friends, Loges' wedding....At last, after years of knowing a man called Hak Jing, Loges has finally bid goodbye to her bachelorhood and embracing marriage life..the wedding was wonderful despite many obstacles for me to attend but all in all it was a wedding to be remembered as all of my good friends were there to enjoy it....then it was another anticipated wedding of the year which was Jes' wedding...a good friend from UIA which will always have a special place in my heart...hidup 606! ...the wedding was really looked forward, for it was the first wedding that Ridhwan attended to and the joy of meeting Kak Nani and Bet after such a long time was indescribable...love u gals..and still missing you gals a lot...it was also nice to see many of my UIA frens happily married and some with their children..wow...we are all so...grown up! hehee....then of course my darling son's one year birthday...after all the hurdle he had to go through when he was only 4 days old, he was alhamdulillah 1 years old on 2nd June 2006...looking back to the days when he was in the ICU for 10 days and then later warded for another 11 days...and the thought that I was actually in confinement at that time...I thank Allah so much for giving me strength and hope during that time..and most of all, I thank Allah for having such a wonderful husband and family members who were always there for me at times when I juts fell my world was about to crush in pieces....so ridhwan's birthday was a day of hope and happiness for us and also for ridhwan himself too I'm sure...

However, despite all good things, there were incidents that brought tears and pain...just right after ridhwan's birthday the worse had yet to come...ridhwan had pneumonia :( and to top it all, he had to undergo a gastrostomy surgery at his stomach...the thought of having a button or tube in his stomach until god knows when, scared me to bits at that time and yet I had to admit that Ridhwan was having feeding difficulty and his weight gain was static for a few months already..with a heavy heart I had to sign the papers to authorise the surgery..the very thought that I had to sign the papers still haunts me as I was the one giving the authorisation at that time..and when that happened I only had my mom with me and was longing that my hubby was there too...but, Allah had been with me all the time, and alhamdulillah gave me strength to endure those moments with patience and hope...the surgery was dreadful..emotionally that is...physically, only Ridhwan would know...till now, I don't know when the g-tube will be out of his body or specifically stomach...the surgeon said it could last him till years....as in till 10 years or less I pray..but for now, the reality is there, Ridhwan is relying nearly 100% on the tube for his feeding but no matter what, I will and must feed him through his mouth to ensure eventually he will eat on his own using his mouth..amin..amin.. then, of course, the hurdle to finish my last semester in UiTM during which Ridhwan had just undergone his surgery was a real test for me...there were so many times I was on the verge of just quiting my masters cause I felt so bad having to leave him at home and the thought of him reflux every time feeding brought tears to me every time I left him at home...wishing I was there to wipe of the phlagm or water that came out of his mouth...and then, there was also the pressure to complete the assignments and do well as previous semester...enduring datelines and the icky special topics we were all suddenly compulsory to complete it...but alhamdullilah, I overcomed it with pain, tears and smiles in the end :D ....

This year, will be an exciting year insya-Allah as I am now a fulltime housewife and mother to my wondeful hubby and son...and it should be even great as we will be moving to our new house soon, Insya-Allah..so the excitement of choosing furnitures and all will be great though one must not forget, we will have to be ala kadar as we are only relying on my hubby now...our bread winner...but as I always believed, semua ada hikmahnya kan...there's a reason things happens to you and its like a big lesson for you and its up to you wether you learn it or you'll learn the lesson over and over again and get another lesson after that..but with new or old lessons, it makes you a stronger person and appreciate life more..wallahualam...another event that scares me this year, would be deciding Ridhwan's tube...to continue it or change it to another brand...as it is, looks like it may still be in ridhwan's stomach for now but the brand may be changed...but the very thought of Ridhwan going into the operating theatre again makes me shiver the whole body and sometimes makes me cry a tear...but that is something I have to deal with when the time comes and may Allah be with me, in strength and in faith...

This year also anticipates lots of therapy for ridhwan..lots of visits to SJMC, from our OT and also visits to Ijok for traditional massages...but as they say, kita ikhtiar, insya-Allah ada jalan nya nanti kan....wallahualam....then the decision to do the translation course...a decision that have yet to be decided as the thought of leaving my mom and ridhwan for 11 days...h..m..payah gak tu..will see how...decisions..oh decisions...

But as years goes by...you do thank Allah that you are still alive now despite the hurdles you had and will go through kan...the thought that you still have fingers to type on your keyboard on this blog and eyes to see the blog ....thank you Allah for giving me these gifts...you start thinking that sometimes you may take for granted these senses that was given to you by god...thinking or taking for granted that it all came from the brain to move the fingers, to see the wordings and interpreting it using the brain...wallahualam....that is something that I learned the hard way after Ridhwan's seizures when he was 4 days old...but tu lah kan, semuanya ada hikmah kan... also, when I read my good friend's blog about the death of her friend that left a son and husband...I start thinking again about how we have taken granted about our life here on earth...that we will never know when is our time...so I started thinking again that it wasn't worth it to go on feeling scared or sad with difficulties I have to endure but instead embrace it with an open and willing heart...and in my friend's blog that made me even think more is how true that we should never forget the people who are still living today and forgive one another as we'd never know when is our time and when would we ever see our friend again..who would ever know the person whom you just spoke to today will never be able to speak to you again tomorrow, or a friend you haven't met in years and met only a month ago will leave you forever the next day...and maybe you didn't have the time to say I love you, I thank you for being my friend or even, I'm sorry...and so, as my friend wrote in her blog, I too would like to ask for forgiveness to all the people that I have known should I have hurt their feelings, behave badly or ignored them as I am only human and as human we are prone to mistakes...but no matter what, the friendship that I have with all of you will always be remembered and cherished no matter how many times we meet these days or even call...as time goes by, priorities differ and responsibilities may accumulate but the friendship will never be forgotten or taken for granted cause once a friendship has been establish you keep to it no matter what unless death do us part....so my dear friends, to all of you, no matter how busy I may seem as a mother to a special needs child or as wife to a husband, the love and care for all of you never diminished or forgotten..and so may god be with you always and may our friendship last forever, lets forget the past and look forward to the future togethere, Insya-Allah...and to my family, I love you all very much and I thank Allah so much for giving me you especially at times of sorrow and definitely not forgetting in happiness...

Year 2007, I look forward to a great year...and so...Happy New Year!!