Lynda and Family beraya..

On Friday 27th October 2006, Lynda and her "heros", yup all three of them came to my house for raya. As usual, I had the priviledge of their company every year ever since I graduated or actually we all graduated. Though, as years passed by, it got even more interesting as once only the couple came now it is a family that comes!It was also very nice to see the boys, Irfan and Azfar all grown up, if I were to recall from last year that is..and so to see them slowly growing up, makes me smile to myself and realise how times flies so fast and my friends are all slowly getting married and having children of their own. Wow! How we've grown up compared to our good old days in UIA ya..

Ridhwan too had fun having the boys in our house or should I say my mom's house, as it was a form of stimulation for Ridhwan to see other children his age or older. Though, being siblings it is interesting to see that Irfan and Azfar played together and yet played on their own most of the time. Unlike my nephews the twins who plays with each other more compared to playing on their own. Anyway, Ridhwan was his usual pleasant self, looking away at the boys playing with his toys, nasib baik tak mengamuk anak mama when they played with his toys... though I laughed at one time as Lynda wanted to pray and Azfar was crying away beacuse his mama was not paying attention to him and so my little boy was laughing away in his cot hearing Azfar crying..sabor aje anak mama nie..hehe..

Anyway, it was great to have you Lynda and family. I think its about time we sisters engine get together and bond again just like the goold old days kan..Thanks for coming to the house, Insya-Allah we'll be visiting you soon too kay! ;o) Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin!!

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one more subject to go and I'm still lazy...sigh..

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri! Maaf zahir dan batin...ALhamdulillah, it is now Syawal. how time flies so fast when your are having fun and not having fun...yup, not having fun is when you have to go through one more subject before officially telling oneself that you are free...totally free from assignments and projects...hmm..

Probably as I am still in raya mood, I am proud to say that I have yet to complete my special topics report..boohooo...darn, why am I still so lazy to complete it...here I am nearly half asleep..well not so asleep as I can still type in my blog right, but sleepy enough to fall asleep on this laptop...and yet I am not trying my best to maximize my time to complete a very important report which carries 3 credits...I should be freaking out as I need to send it by this 31st october...and I MUST or SHOULD be meeting my supervisor before sending in the report, and yet, yes, and yet...I still can't seem to gather the will power to complete it or at least be proud that I have completed 70% of the report...maybe I work best under pressure or last minute...but thinking about it, I shouldn't and I must be mad to do last minute work...however, the real truth is..I'm sick and tired of looking at the topic as I feel it really is something that I never intended to do...special topics that is..maybe because I have set my mind that this masters was fully coursework and no thesis or research work, when suddenly, I now have to do a small, very small thesis or more of research work and thus cause myself to get demotivated at the utmost level...Anger, frustration, exhaustion gets to me everytime I even look at an article concerning the special topics report...or maybe I am just overwhelmed at times at the expectation of my supervisor who expects me to do very well in this report, thus pressuring me to instead of feeling just do my best, I am feeling, I better do my best...or else...

This is where expectations to oneself and from others can drive oneself mad or even make oneself give up even before starting...hmmm...but I should never let this feeling deter me from at least completing what I've begun..as my husband said "Who cares what they think of you or expect from you, just finish it and just do it..." In a way my darling hubby is right, maybe I've been so pressured with giving input to myself to do "very well" this semester that I have forgotten that initially it was all about what the minimum target that I should achieve and not what others expect or think of me...i was once an average student, and I think I still am...maybe I worked harder this time and so alhamdulillah my grades are better now...but I shouldn't let other people expectations towards me make me feel bad or scared that I might not fulfill their expectations..so fine, everyone screws up once in a while...you can't win them all...yup, so here's to me...just do your best to myself...don't let anyone's expectation get to you, let them think what they want of you...as Nike says, "Just do it!" , and settle it once and for all...yup....do it in the name of Allah and insya-Allah, He will guide you and with patience and faith....and to ketupat and kuih raya, you are still in my top list...haahhaa...all work and no food makes me one boring and over stressed mama...hehee..wallahualam...

testing flickr...KL Biotech Iftar with Anak2x Yatim

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Majlis Berbuka Puasa di KLBiotech Manufacturing Sdn. Bhd.

Last Sunday, I had the chance to go for my first iftar session for this whole ramadhan...i was actually quite upset that I couldn't join my hubby's office iftar at Putrajaya Marriot last week..ya, why cannot go? why? apa salahnya bawak spouse?!! hehe...those were the questions I bombarded my hubby, when in actually fact, I shouldn't be going and did not go anyway cause I was busy finishing up my take home test, compiler programming, wireless group project and cryptography term paper's presentation slides...fuih, alhamdulillah i've completed it all...so, when I heard that my brother was conducting an iftar for anak yatim again but at his new office this year...i was estatic! but that was after my hubby decided not to go back to his hometown as his wife was miserable and complaining away that she does not have any time to do her work in the morning....its true...sort of...i finally realise that being a mother, and feeling guilty not stimulating my son who needs lots of stimulating because of his condition..does not help this masters student...maybe if ridhwan's development was normal, I would have not felt that guilty and mabe just left him all alone..that's even worse kan...but, alhamdulillah last week is over and now i can concentrate on the 'big one'..

anyway, before I actually start and complete 'the big one', attending an iftar by my brother's company was something to look forward too..who wouldn't! as it is, I didn't sleep the whole night on saturday, well maybe for one hour, that is after sahur..slept at 6 am and woke up at 7 am..then continued completing my wireless group project presentation slides..sume last minute, but alhamdulillah my lecturer liked it...can get A for that ka? hehee... so, after such a hectic weekend, a night out with my family and anak2x yatim was something you don't do that often and should be cherished..

last year, I also had a chance to attend the anak2x yatim iftar at Concorde Hotel by my brother's company..it was a nice occasion as we rarely go out at night as Ridhwan was only 4 months old at that time and the thought of 'meraikan' anak2x yatim really touched my heart...it even touched my heart that my brother was quite selfless and has a very good heart to actually want to do such events...alhamdulillah his company is doing very well and rezeki melimpah, so what better way to enjoy his reap by sharing it with anak2x yatim...

last year event was wonderful as it gave me a chance to talk to some of the anak2x yatim and also we were entertained by a nasyid group from the children...and one of the boy sang so wonderfully, that I was amazed and enlightened to hear such talent and such voice...this year he didn't come I think...yup, this year too my brother called the same group for an iftar..i think he's going to make it a yearly affair kot..wallahualam...

though, what really hit me last year during the nasyid was the one song that i love when i was in uia and it touched my heart, that nearly left me in tears when the children sang..it was a song entitled 'Keluarga Bahagia' by Saujana...yes...when the children sang, I felt sad and could see the children's expression..wishing and hoping for a family... and what touched my heart even more was when some of them were looking at my family, especially the twins happily hugging and laughing with their parents...and then it dawn to me, how I am sooooo lucky to have my parents and for the twins to have my brother and my sis-in-law...and at that, I looked at Ridhwan and felt even touched and 'hiba' and thought about his condition and how much I love my son so much and I want us to be a Keluarga Bahagia sehingga akhir hayat..insya-Allah....as I enjoyed all the nasyid songs, I also enjoyed the food! hehee...though the company was even better and also the childrens made the iftar event even more special...

this year we didn't have the chance to mingle with the children as I was busy carrying Ridhwan, it was hard to bring a stroller there as it was outdoors this year....also, I was just too tired from carrying ridhwan and the exhaustion of an all nite the nite before, so i just decided not to walk around but just sat there...though, we were once again entertained with nasyid songs from the childrens, this time by the girls and they even had nice matching costumes..oh and also, the drum thingy, a kompang and a tamborine..they played quite well! but it was the songs again that touched my heart again..yes, I'm easily touched...hehee...the songs reminded me of UIA as one of the songs was a song I used to sing and play again and again...sigh..I do miss my UIA times..so much I've learned there about life and Islam....and friends I've got to know....

well, to the childrens, mama Ridhwan doa banyak2x dimurahkan rezeki, panjang umur dan menjadi insan yang soleh dan solehah besar nanti..amin..Insya-Allah...and to everyone, may these last ramadhan nites be filled with lots of ibadah and doa so all our heart desires may come true and may we will be panjangkan umur to meet ramadhan again, next year..insya-Allah...

Sebelum berbuka puasa at CEO's room


Comelnya anak mama posing ngan nenek dia


"Mama, lapar lah...bila nak buka puasa nie..makan jari sat lah...nyum! nyum!"

Nenek dan cucu-cucunya...

Mula dah kanak-kanak 'ultraman' nie..hehee

visiting blogs and yummy trifle...

At last! No more written exams for me...sigh...but of course there are tonnes of term paper and projects to be completed...sigh..its like a never ending story for me..but I am very thankful that the written tests are over cause i am somehow detesting these test..maybe I've had enough of test...written that is..or i am just plain lazy to study and slog my head for test or exams..but now I have to complete 1. cryptography term paper, 2. javacc compiler program(the most aching thing to do..sigh) 3. take home test cryptography 4.wireless project(thank god this is a group project) and the major of all of them is the special topics to be submitted after raya..thank god..but there goes my raya...buut, at least i can do a proper write up at least..hopefully..or i'll be spending time visiting aje...hehe..no lah, complete this troublesome paper first then enjoy my raya..insya-Allah..

the thought that i'll be completing my masters soon makes me so happy and relieved...right now, somehow, i can't be bothered what I get but as long as its all over..i guess partly cause i won't be working that soon and also, i am so darn exhausted of juggling studies and child rearing...no breeding yet...hahaha...also, its about time ridhwan has full attention from me too...

anyway, my term paper which is supposedly to be completed today..and it is now 11 pm...hmm..meaning, i need to finish it before sahur or in other words need to stay up...and yet I have time to blog...can't help it..love to write...but not write term papers and projects...hehee...well, even before starting this term paper I have the time to read other people blogs and just surf the net..sigh..when am i ever gonna learn...naaaah..hehee..

Its nice to see some of my friends enjoying their time doing masters in UK and visiting places as they are studying..as much as I envy them, I am thankful that I did my masters here in Malayisa..especially when you have a child kan..a special needs child lagi..i don't know how i'd survive overseas if i were to do my masters overseas and have ridhwan along..maybe i would be even stronger..but right now, I am so thankful to Allah that I have wonderful supportive parents who helps me as much as they can in terms of time and financial..even if my heart has quite given up in wanting to do very well in my masters this sem..but this masters is for them too, for all their effort and encouragement to their only daughter..it is to Ridhwan too i dedicate this Masters too, your mama may not be much of a 'master' in her so called Msc. in Comp. Science but this masters is for you my son..may you never stop fighting as you have always been a fighter all this while...

Okay, enough blogging and visiting blog...oh my, i feel so sleepy already..tu lah, sapa suruh makan trifle lagi..hehe..can't resist my mom's yummy scrumptious trifle...its been quite some time she hasn't done it...well, off to the term paper now...ciao!

Al-Mu'alim

Just had my last..i mean actually my last class at night just now....yup, I at last, do not have night classes starting from tomorrow, yippee!!...oh my, how 2 years has passed by so fast...and I could still remember I was heavily pregnant in my first semester and studying for my exams at nights when my hubby was not around..somewhere in another country...but it was Ridhwan in the tummy that gave me strength to continue and be patient to study and do my best for the exams.

When I think back, Ridhwan should be my sole strength again to complete this final semester with flying colours...it is and has always been, but ever since Ridhwan was in the hospital again because of pneumonia and the gastrostomy surgery early this semester, it was like my heart and mind was not on my masters anymore...it was like..it just went down the drain and was not important at all...it was as if I lost hope and faith in doing my masters....

However, when I think back, I have told Ridhwan to never give up and to fight when he was only 4 days old when he was in the ICU with wires and syringes attached to him..and that should be a reminder to myself to never give up and fight...fight..and fight to do well in my masters...do it for Ridhwan..do it to show him, at times of real hardship, I should never give up and do my best...as when I really think about it...Ridhwan is the true fighter...he fought hard for his life when he was only 4 days old..but maybe..maybe... because he heard his mother praying and telling him each day in his ear, to never give up..la takhzan, la takhof, innallah ma'ana...he fought..he actually fought back for his life..and to this day he is still fighting..fighting with his reflux..that sometimes tears run down his eyes cause he was in pain..oh my son...

my mother's friend told me that special children like ridhwan are very special...as they do not show fear and pain...they are special as they can withstand pain that you and I who are considered normal would probably scream and cry in pain...they just smile and only tears come out of their eyes to show that they are in actual pain....then I thought, its true, Ridhwan has never showed pain and cried like any other babies would if they were in Ridhwan's situation...I guess it is because he was strong and he is fighting with pain.....such a strong son you are my son...so special and so pleasant and so strong...your mother needs to be reminded my son, to see that you are a fighter and have always been... and for that as your mother, I must never give up...always do my best and always pray to Allah to give me strength and faith in whatever i do...

To you my son...you are the sunshine of my life..and Ridhwan my love..i dedicate this song for you...Al-Mu'alim by Sami Yusuf...may we learn my son, may we learn from our mu'alim...I don't know why but I cry when I heard this song and thought about you...cause maybe, as a human, we have forgotten what our mu'alim have taught us ..and indirectly Ridhwan, you have also taught me about life and to never give up....wallahualam

it is now 1 am

I wish i could be sleeping but for my son's sake and actually my sake I need to stay up until 2..when actually at 5 I have to wake up for sahur..actually to come and think of it.. before I sleep again, I should perform solat tahajjud or hajat during this blessed month kan, but sometimes, we human are so weak we tend to think of wanting to go to sleep aje instead of performing some ibadah and during such a holy month such as ramadhan...

Well, I just read a friend's blog and chatted with my friend in UK when I should be completing my presentation slides which is due this weekend but as usual, I always get side tracked, either by reading a blog, looking through fotopages or reading magazines...instead of reading articles for my term papers....hmm..and to think you should be stronger during ramadhan kan....

Maybe also, cause my hubby is not here and I have to do my work in my room on the japanese table which is aching my leg, so the mood to work hard and just complete my work takes a longer time..so maybe I should and actually I must start my work and complete it by 2 in time for ridhwan's next feeding and also finally completing my term paper's presentation slide...as my ex-OSS friends use to tell each other...ganbatte!

Oh, and I am so happy that I got an email from my coordinator for special topics! Our report is due after raya!! yea! yea! and our presentation is on the 4th of November..alhamdulillah sangat2x..so these few weeks I SHOULD and MUST concentrate on my compiler programming and compiler test only..so that means i need to complete my term paper wireless presentation tonight and cryptography term paper and presentation slides esok..insya-Allah...doa kan that I have the strentgh and semangat to finish my last few weeks nie as a masters student and to do well no matter how tired and bored I am at the moment yea...amin...ciao!