He had another seizure...sob...

Seizure...what is a seizure??....truthfully, I always got confused between the term seizure and epilepsy...also sometimes to explain to people what is a seizure or epilepsy can be quite disheartening as many don't know much about it...or some don't even know about it...but i can't blame for other peoples ignorance as I was once an ignorant person myself before I had a special needs child...so to summarize what is a seizure or epilepsy is,I thought of sharing with you what are its definitions according to epilepsy.com ...which is a frequent viewed website when Ridhwan gets one of his seizure episodes...or fits...yes,yes, another term that people use is fits..hmmm...anyway...

Epilepsy is a neurological condition, which affects the nervous system. Epilepsy is also known as a seizure disorder. It is usually diagnosed after a person has had at least two seizures that were not caused by some known medical condition like alcohol withdrawal or extremely low blood sugar. Sometimes, according to the International League Against Epilepsy, epilepsy can be diagnosed after one seizure, if a person has a condition that places them at high risk for having another.

The seizures in epilepsy may be related to a brain injury or a family tendency, but most of the time the cause is unknown. The word "epilepsy" does not indicate anything about the cause of the person's seizures, what type they are, or how severe they are.

By: Carol Camfield, M.D. / Robert S. Fisher, M.D., Ph.D.

Does this make sense to you? Umm..more or less lah for me....hehehee... this now is the definition of a seizure...

A seizure is a sudden surge of electrical activity in the brain that usually affects how a person feels or acts for a short time. Seizures are not a disease in themselves. Instead, they are a symptom of many different disorders that can affect the brain. Some seizures can hardly be noticed, while others are totally disabling.

Topic Editor: Steven C. Schachter, M.D.

Okay, so in short, what I can understand is that if you got one time seizure only you won't be categorised as having epilepsy, but, if the seizures occurs again and again, then you are likely to have epilepsy or some called as epileptic or what not...so in this case, yes, ridhwan has epilepsy and mind you...he has had different types of seizures within his 4 years of life now...

So, from what I've seen and read he has had more than 3 types of seizures already...but overall it was in the primarily generalized seizure type...Primary generalized seizures begin with a widespread electrical discharge that involves both sides of the brain at once. Now, he has had absence seizures - brief episodes of staring. Another name for them is petit mal (PET-ee mahl). During the seizure, awareness and responsiveness are impaired. People who have them usually don't realize when they've had one. There is no warning before a seizure, and the person is completely alert immediately afterward....so, this seizure happened when he was less than a year old I think...where he would stare away into the distance as if wondering about his future or something..and so I thought!! Rupa-rupanya it was one of those silent seizure...oh my...

Then he also had what they called the myoclonic seizure..now for your information, most of the seizures that Ridhwan had before looked harmless and somewhat not so scarry like the seizures I'm sure most people are more familiar such as the falling down, and trembling like mad and excessice drooling and foamy drooling coming out...yes...ridhwan had one of this yesterday...and it scared the hell out of me! Sorry about the language...buut...from what our neuro paed explained...it is the myoclonic seizure that I should be more worried about...hmmmm...anyway, what is myoclonic seizure...

Myoclonic (MY-o-KLON-ik) seizures are brief, shock-like jerks of a muscle or a group of muscles. "Myo" means muscle and "clonus" (KLOH-nus) means rapidly alternating contraction and relaxation—jerking or twitching—of a muscle.

Ridhwan had this last year...it started around May or so..or earlier..darn my memory is so failing me these days...anyway, when I saw it first time, it looked as if someone who was in shocked as if going to fall from the bed where your hands is raised up in the air...Ridhwan was like that but as the definition says more of jerking...and it sort of got worse until he had to be warded in October last year for nearly 3 weeks...and it seems, that this particular seizure is a difficult one to cure or get rid of from what our neuro paed said..that scared me even more...but she was very positive about it and said Ridhwan had overcomed his fits for 2 years before and there is a chance he will have no more fits again...amin...I have to be positive about that...and I am....

Then, when we all thought the medication combination of Lamictal and Topomax is going to be it..he had an episode in december last year...just after 2 months being warded...now this is the tonic-clonic seizure..from what I read and understand lah....

This type is what most people think of when they hear the word "seizure." An older term for them is "grand mal." As implied by the name, they combine the characteristics of tonic seizures and clonic seizures. The tonic phase comes first: All the muscles stiffen. Air being forced past the vocal cords causes a cry or groan. The person loses consciousness and falls to the floor. The tongue or cheek may be bitten, so bloody saliva may come from the mouth. The person may turn a bit blue in the face. After the tonic phase comes the clonic phase: The arms and usually the legs begin to jerk rapidly and rhythmically, bending and relaxing at the elbows, hips, and knees. After a few minutes, the jerking slows and stops. Bladder or bowel control sometimes is lost as the body relaxes. Consciousness returns slowly, and the person may be drowsy, confused, agitated, or depressed.

Now...what Ridhwan had yesterday was clenching his teeth, excessive drooling and the arms and legs begin to jerk rapidly as if he was being shaken badly by someone....and from what my neuro paed has informed me many times...observe how long your child's fits occur...if more than 5 minutes, insert the rectal diazepam to stop the fits...somehow my neuro paed has entrusted me with this responsibility and confidence that if any seizures may occur with Ridhwan that lasts more than 5 minutes, do not go running around the house panicking or cry away like there is no tomorrow as what I need to do is put him to the side, while he is lying down and stop the seizure once and for all....and that's what I did....yup...I did that....but....Allah only knows how my heart nearly stopped seeing him in this condition as he was somewhat unconcious at times and part of his face was stiffening and drooping....a look I fear so much and dread seeing again after last years december episode....

Okay, let me just tell you what actually happened ya...yesterday I was happily chatting away with dear Chery about weddings and all and Ridhwan was as usual in his cot sleeping away...then suddenly, he woked up sitting down in his cot...looked at me...called out "Mama.."... then was drooling like no ones business...at first I thought, oh no, is he trying to get rid of his phlegm or something?? Then the drooling got a bit more...the fear hit me...oh no, oh no, please not a fits...not when hubby is away in the office....and so I told Chery that I had to go thinking some sliver was coming out of his mouth when it was the starting of a seizure..the first thing I did then was looked at the time, count Reenaz, count...how many minutes is this....and while doing that, struggled to get hold of Ridhwan's rectal diazepam in his cupboard next to his cot...got it...then it became just as I feared, looking a bit violent or rapid jerkings...I panicked...I quickly carried Ridhwan and rushed him to my mom's room and told my parents, "Ridhwan dapat fits!!" ...and that's when the commotion got even more lah kan...hahaha...okay, no reason to laugh about it....but after seeing its more than 5 minutes already, calling hubby couldn't, line was barred! Aiseh abang, tak bayar bill ka....and oh, what am I waiting for......so I inserted the rectal diazepam as have been done before and has always been dreaded before...sigh...

The seizure didn't really stop straight away....jerkings was there...facial expression was still stiff...but he was slowly wanting to doze away...sleepy....ya Allah, the medication is starting to work I hope...and soon enough, after I carried him in my arms...he was fast asleep in my arms in a very deep sleep....

All in all, the seizure episode on saturday really freaked me out...one the stiffening of the face....it looked so abnormal like as if someone pulling his face ..then the jerkings, repetitive scarrily looking movements...and the fact it didn't react fast to the medication, so wondering, oh my god, is it going to stop??!! And of course, hubby wasn't around..that made it even more scarry...it made me also think, at this rate, it still is so much safer to live with my parents with Ridhwan's condition despite having my own house....also hubby travels nearly every two weeks...gosh, imagine me all alone in that situation in my house and what if it had been more than 5 minutes cause then I'd had to rush to the hospital all my myself...

But thinking about this all is of no use at this point...as what I should be more concerned is the fact....darn it, it came again, meaning the due EEG this 16th June will pretty much summarise that there are still seizures in his brain and medications may either have to be increased or change...and so since Ridhwan is scheduled for an appointment with his pyhsiotherapist this wednesday, hubby and I have decided to see Dr. Sofiah too after the theraphy session...not wanting to wait any longer for any new episodes...oh no siree....nope....

What I learned now...as years passing by as a mother to a special needs child and an epileptic one too...I need to be equipped with knowledge....knowledge not just concerning how to give therapy to ridhwan but especially concerning seizures....cause you see, there doesn't seem to be only one type of seizures that Ridhwan has encountered....and what to do if he had any, too was very important....and so I urged parents out there whose child had seizures before please read up or better still ask your neuro paed to explain what your child had or having...knowing is an advantage as it may just save your child's life...and I need to know more....cause I still feel I know less...but most importantly, I pray to Allah so much that Ridhwan will be fits free one fine day...amin...cause I know he is such a smart boy and there is so much goodness in him to be shared with people out there...mama doa Ridhwan that Allah will always protect you and whatever that come our way, we go through it together one thing at a time kay...I love you Ridhwan.....

fuish...panjangnya tulis kali nie....hehehee....

Gals day out!

Sunday, 17th May was one of my anticipated day cause it was booked especially to spend some time with my darling gals for a birthday outing....usually lunch or dinner....and this time around it is for dear Loges the new mummy to Meera Tioe. Loges birthday was actually in April but since she was in confinement at that time and just delivered, it was best for her to finish her confinement before going out to have fun with her wacky and umm..noisy friends?? hehee...

This time around, our little outing or date was held in Alamanda, Putrajaya..I was quite delighted to go there as it was ages since I've been to that shopping complex...it then made me recalled the good old days when the four musketeers would dash in the cute little kelisa or satria for lunch on Fridays..at that time I was working in Serdang so Alamanda was not too far away..or was it...oh well, its a Friday anyway, who wants to stay at the office...and we were getting sick and tired of going to Mines anyway...hahaa...

Well, I really can't remember when was the last time I went to Alamanda but thought, okay I know my way there...used to go there once...should be okay..besides the other two gals would probably know since they travel a lot more, unlike me where my route is home to SDMC and SDMC to home every week....well, so much for that!! ..cause it seems the other two have never been there at all!! Haa??!! Haahaahaa...and so initially we got a bit lost in Putrajaya and since the last time I was in Putrajaya a lot more buildings have come up..my bearing was at its worst...buuut after much commotion in the car and GPS and all...we finally reached there...thank god! Not too late too! Hehehe...

We had lunch at one of the restaurants in Alamanda and which I think I have not been to in years...yes everyone, this shows how much I don't go out anymore right...well that's the part and parcel of being a mother which I actually don't have much complains...home is where the heart is right? ;) ....well, we sat...we ordered but one thing we forgot ...to lower down our beautiful voices...hehee..yes, you see when girlfriends get together especially when they have known each other since school, its hard to lower down your voices and not sound excited with whatever is happening to each other...I think many people would had given us the glare...which ignorantly was not noticed by us...hahaa...sorilah yea sapa2x yang dengar these ladies talking a bit loud...but truthfully, I can't help it or we can't help it as this is how we are and its just so nice to see everyone at one time and update each other about everything when you hardly see each other unlike school days last time...so please excuse us for being loud or noisy or actually happy and delighted...hehee...

To my lovely ladies, thanks for a lovely lunch outing! This mother really looks forward to this outing every birthday and always wish could do it more often actually....so looking forward for our next outing or birthday event...love you gals to bits! Friends forever!!

From left: Me, Aliza, Chery and Loges...belin was taking this picture..

From left: Me, Belinda, Chery and Loges

Pre-writting skills...

You know, as someone who considers herself 'normal' in terms of physical and mental, it never occured to me that writttng skills for a special needs child or brain injured as Glenn Doman would always refer to, would be quite difficult and take many many many many practices to master it and where we take for granted for our so-called 'normal' ways of holding a pen and learn to write...so before I begin the story of my 'oh darn it I so have to work harder now, to make sure he can write!!'....I'd like mothers out there whom have children to give a biiig kiss to that precious beautiful head of their child that stores one of the most precious and valuable organ in his/her body...that is the brain...and most of all be so thankful to god that no matter how your child may drive you nuts at times or how tiring it is to take care of them, know it in your heart that your biggest worries about them going to school is not really much of a worry actually cause Insya-Allah they'll do fine and most of all, the ability to use that cute little hands of theirs to write on a piece of paper will come automatically and will be used with much delight and happiness by them...

So this is where my journey or story pulak starts as I learn the hard way...or maybe have known but was concentrating more on other parts of the body that I forgot that there is more to learn and know....hmm, my midwife was right...should write a book about this kan...who knows...one fine day....hehee...ooh, by the way I loved that movie...oops...getting sidetracked...hehehe...

The story starts last Friday when we had our bi-weekly session with our so sweet occupational therapy or in short OT. Ridhwan's OT is very nice and sweet and on top of that, quite knowledgeable too! For someone young, she sure has amazed me with her experiences and most of all her knowledge. Which of course is good lah kan, cause it would then benefit me a lot! Anyway, as usual we would be doing our usual therapy session, playing with the thera-puty or sticky as Ridhwan calls it...hehe..it is actually something like playdoh but oh so much better cause it can come of easily by just using itself to clean away the thera-putty away...one of its advantages is to strengthen your grip..using Thera Putty can also help with the rehabilitation of injuries to your fingers, hands, and forearm muscles by simply squeezing and moving the putty in your hands. There are 5 different levels of resistance to choose from and to help build up your hand muscles. Here are some pictures to show an example.....

One ways of using the thera-putty

See how one can actually stretch it without breaking it

Different colour coded thera-putty with its different resistance

Thus, our OT would be doing some exercise to strengthen Ridhwan's grip and make his left hand be more usable by pulling the thera-putty that was stucked to his right hand...and so we have been doing this for some time already until our OT said that today lets do some writting exercises and I said okay, would be just like Shichida. Then, she took out another cool thing which was some plastic cards where we could use a special crayon to write onto it and then later just use water to wash it away. The key word here is recycable!! Trust me, when you are a mother who is 'forcing' her child to write a lot you need recycable materials definitely! So as usual, Ridhwan was not into holding the crayon, holding it then throwing it away, make him hold it again...throw it away....then the OT said, 'Okay, never mind, time to give homework!' I was like, what??!! Heehe...not that I hate homework, but you see when you have a child who doesn't really know how to hold a pencil and is given 'homeworks' monthly..umm this is from shichida ya...hehee...you'll be like, okay, hope this is not going to be one of those, in the end the mama finishes his homework...hahaa...yes, I do that sometimes...baaad mother...but i can't help it sometimes cause there's so much other things I need to do for Ridhwan you know...but he does most of his homework anyway....really!! ;) ... and so the OT gave 2 pieces of paper and said, go home and practice doing this ya...and I was like, hmm..what's this and on the top of the 1st piece of paper writes 'Assessment for pre-writting skills' and followed by simple pictures that Ridhwan needs to practice and acquire the ability to copy the pictures...and then it hit me...oh my god, he has a hard time holding a pencil and he has to draw that horizontal line??!!! okay Reenaz, you have got to do something pronto woman!!!...and to scare me even more, it writes there the normal age a child could actually draw a horizontal line is 2 years old!! What??!! He is going to be 4 for goodness sake!! Then it hit me again, now it make sense why Shichida forces their children to write at such a young age....oh my...oh me oh my...eh that sound like bunnytown...oops sidetrack again...:P

So, I realise a bit late, or maybe not I hope...that Ridhwan needs pronto full speed ahead therapy on his fingers and hands to ensure he would be able to write soon..or fast for that matter!! And so the quest to find out what this pre-writting skills is all about is being looked out now...darn I'm so angry with bookshops in Malaysia...hampehs big time!! You see, being a special needs mummy, yes you rely on the internet for info and ideas to help your child, but its nothing compared to reading a book and getting hard facts from reputable people and writers which you sometimes question when reading a website that talks about the condition your children is...but sad to say, our country lacks in this area big time...really big time...this reminds me when I called a bookshop one day asking if they had a book on Cerebral Palsy...the guy who answered was very nice actually, not knowing how to spell Cerebral Palsy, I spelled it to him nicely and he told me to wait and check in the system and he said 'I'm sorry, its not in our system...do you have any other books you'd like to find?' ..And so since he was really nice attending to my needs, I gave him 2-3 more titles of books on cerebral palsy and 'not to my surprise' there was none in his system...by that time, he somehow sounded feeling bad that they had no book of that title at all and asked why did I want the book..and so in short I told, I have a child with cerebral palsy and so I'd like to read a book about it...and somehow from his voice he sounded even more upset and must have felt bad that there was no book at all on CP in Malaysia at the moment and felt helpless...poor guy, I said its okay, not his fault...he did then say I could order and I said, ya I know, but you see I'd rather see the book itself first and check its contents before ordering it or buying it so I know its a book worth buying....so the moral of the story...our society is still not a reading society and most of all it shows how unaware and unexposed our society is concerning special needs society...and that really saddens me that day..and so I was criticising our bookshops and libraries to my husband the whole night that day...hehe..sian abang kena dengar wife dia membebel and kutuk the lack of knowledge our society can be at times...sigh...

Anyway, that should not be an issue to me right now as I have a bigger important task at hand to overcome...but never mind, I have seen a boy who had meningitis as a baby and due to that he was considered CP but now is 5 years old and one look you'd never know he had meningits once and is CP as he could talk well and one thing that amazed me was his ability to write so well and count so well after all the things he had gone through...but one advantage he has is he is well taken off in a special school in australia that emphasises their special needs children to be able to go to a normal school at the age where your child will enter school...which as usual this oh so beautiful country is lacking....hmm...but who cares, I'll do it my way somehow...as it is, our neuro paed has pressured me that she wants Ridhwan to enter a normal school regardless his condition...and I for that matter, prays very hard that he will and believe he will...he must!! But that also means pure hard work for me from now on..slacking is a big no! no!! ...oh me oh my...:D

All I can say, I pray to Allah to give me strength to do what is best for Ridhwan everyday, every hour and every minute if possible..I'm only human and I do slack and get lazy at times...but I pray that most of the time I work hard and do what's best for Ridhwan as it is an ibadah what I'm doing for him, Insya-Allah and may Allah redha it....amin....so Ridhwan my dear...we have a looong way to go but we can do it my dear, cause I'm not going to give up and have never ever given up ...and if I could overcome my Masters while taking care of you last time and yet scored with flying colours...will give ourselves flying colours results too okay my dear Ridhwan and one day give ourselves a 'standing' ovation for it ya...amin...wallahualam...

Digital scrapbooking...

Just trying out these digital scrapbook thingy that everyone seems to be into these days...I love scrapbooking but sometimes don't really have the time but I still love looking at scrapbook designs and books, oh and of course the buying part too! Hahhaa..but yes, time sometimes is a constraint to me despite being a stay -at-home mum...seriously, I think I have more work ever since I stayed at home...but more at peace lah ...digital scrapbooking was something I have always wanted to explore but never found the right designs that I like, also I'm more into paper scrapbooking cause I like the joy of cutting coloured papers, doing stamps, stickers and embellishment and what not...but since I saw this website, I thought, oh heck, why not try one..so here is my first digital scrapbook layout! Alah, copy and paste je pun...hehee...

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all mummies out there! And definitely grandma's too and great grandma's as well!...cause without these great women, there would not be great mummies out there!! Most of all, Happy Mother's Day to my own mama!!!...my dear mama that has sacrificed for me soooo much all these years and never have asked anything in return but a prayer from a solehah daughter...amin..insya-Allah...Anyway, Happy Mother's Day to me too! Haahaahaa...when I think back, I may not be the greatest mum out there but I think today I deserve a pat on the back for being a mama to Ridhwan with my weaknesses and some of my strength ...I think all mummies out there deserves a pat on the back and a great big hug for a great job done because going through 9 months of pregnancy and labour is a god given gift that only mothers will experience and can embrace it.... So mothers out there, wether you'll be celebrating this once a year day for us or may not even celebrate as if you don't exist at all cause you'd be too busy with house chores and daily tasks that today is just another Sunday to you....you are a mother, you are blessed with a child...and so if no one remembers this day and especially those who remember this day...lets thank god that you have gotten through another year with its ups and downs in raising your child and pray that god will give you another wonderful year to endure with lots of happiness, fulfillment and love in raising your wonderful children out there! As for special mummies out there with special needs children always remember that god is with you, and despite your difficulties and hardships that you face each day, you are blessed as you are given the priviledge to be a mother which many women may not have the opportunity to experience at all ...and you know what? you are also very special.!.so love your special needs child endlessly, give her/him a huge hug today like you've never given them cause they deserve it and most of all you deserve it too special mummy...Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Full Moon Meera! (Loges' daughter)

On 26th March 2009, I received an sms from a dear friend that she has safely delivered a baby girl!! At last, after all the waiting and anxiousness, Loges finally welcomed her darling daughter into her world at Pantai Medical Centre. I nearly couldn't visit her that night as no one could take care of Ridhwan but thank god, my mom finally agreed to take care of Ridhwan and so around 8.30 pm ++ we drove to Pantai to visit the new mummy and daughter :D Welcome to the world Meera! When I looked at Meera that night, I was so touched and realised how I've forgotten how small a newborn is and how fragile and so adorable they are..made me wish I want another one soon...hehee..I was also so tempted to carry her but since she was so sound asleep amidst all our laughing and talking, such a good baby! So, I decided not to wake her up or scare the new mummy by waking up her daughter! Heheee....Anyway, it was really nice to see Loges and her daughter safe and sound while her hubby was photo catching all the way, sigh, we new parents tend to do that a lot kan! Hahhaa....

Anyway, on 25th April I had the priviledge to be invited to Meera Tioe's full moon party at Loges' hubby's home in PJ. So this time, Ridhwan had a chance to visit the new baby too! It was a good experience too cause Ridhwan has not been around babies that often and so this would be a good experience for him for future siblings? Hmm..hehhee...So, these are some pictures of the proud mummy and us. We were so darn early that Loges just reached the house when we got there...sorry ah Loges....Oh and some of the pics are a bit blur...still trying to play around with the dslr...tricky camera ya....so enjoy the pics and once again, congrat to Loges and welcome to the mummies club!!

Introducing baby Meera Tioe!

Mummy Loges and her baby girl

Mama Reenaz and Ridhwan pun nak posing jugak..hehee

Ridhwan getting a bit agitated so ayah had to carry him for awhile

Proud grandparent and parents with one month old baby girl...awww....

Picture of me and newborn baby and new mummy on 26th March 2009...cool digital frame...would love one of this in my house one day..hint..hint hubby...

With Belin and Juan...they too came early to see the baby :D

Me, Ridhwan, Belinda and Loges

Ridhwan's target....

Today we went to our...umm..once it was weekly, then it was, monthly, then it was bi-monthly and then we had weekly again..and then tri-monthly...and so this was our tri-monthly follow up check up with our neuro paed...yes, there was a time, I saw our paed nearly every week and it was really painful for me cause his fits was getting no where...but alhamdulillah, after his last fits episode last year, everything was normal...amin....

Sooo, today we met Ridhwan's very dedicated neuro paed, and alhamdulillah this time my hubby could come along, there were many times our visit there was with me and my mom only...so it was really nice to have my hubby come along and hear what our neuro paed has to say about Ridhwan's progres...alhamdulillah, she was happy that Ridhwan can actually walk if he wants too...no botox please!! ...yes, botox everyone...my son was given the option to inject himself with some botox to help straighten his foot because he was tip-toeing or as our therapist calls it, ballerina gaits....i thinks that's how you spell that word....anyway, Ridhwan has always had what they call, sensory problem...sensory here deals with how ridhwan feels towards certain things...or in short...his touch sensors...its very sensitive! Due to that, he doesn't like to touch my hand that much or even allow himself to be touched at his hand...body somehow okay pulak..and he is very sensitive on his feets...and because of that, his brain, as what dr and therapist have been telling me, sends message to his brain the feeling of uneasiness when he feels things on his hand and his feet...so that comes the so called ballerina gait or in layman terms, tip toeing....I have actually seen a young boy tip toeing in his shoes in one mall, walking tip toeing on the escalator..i was amazed as I knew Ridhwan too doesn't want his feet fall flat on the floor and has the problem of allowing us to straighthen the foot at times...so seeing the boy being able to walk with tip toe really startled and amazed me...but I know, that is not an option for Ridhwan and he really needs to learn how to walk properly and by addressing that issue, we would be addressing his sensory issues...

So back to the word, botox....yup...botolineum something something right...most of us would know botox as injecting into ones face so one could look pretty and have nice ..umm..young face?? or whatsoever...but as ignorant as some may be..they are actually injecting some sort of poison into their own face just for the sake of beauty....sigh...BUT, for special needs children, botox may actually help to ease their life by enabling them to sit, stand or in the case of Ridhwan...walk! Yup, but because being muslims, it seems that Botox is a non-halal substance..yup people, next time you want to inject yourself, think twice as botox it seems has some haram ingredients in it...so our neuro paed gave us another options...called Dysport..you see, for a normal person like us, when botox is injected into the face, the muscle of our face tightens instead of sagging as it already is...however, for special needs people, it works the other way...instead of tightening the muscle, it relives the muscle, so we may massage or exercise or better known is therapy the muscle, such as calf muscle or ankle muscle to allow it to relax and like in Ridhwan's case, enables the leg to be straigthen and not be in a tip toe position when trying to stand or walk....so this was what our neuro paed wanted to do for Ridhwan....I know she means well, but after having inserting a PEG-tube in Ridhwan, I sort of, how to say it, serik..yes that's the word serik nak inject or insert any more foreign things into ridhwan so comel precious body...but of course, i can't be thinking about how I feel and need to think what's best for Ridhwan right....so intially I will smile whenever our neuro paed suggests it but never saying, 'yes dr! lets do it!'...and so I pushed myself to try and make that feet of Ridhwan to straighten as much as possible and just now, Ridhwan proved to the paed that he can walk when he wants too and he may not need botox at all...amin..amin...BUT, yes there's that but word again, she gives him until end of the year to actually really walk...aiyaaak!!! Truthfully my target was June...hehee..yup, that was my so-called target but as we know, kita merancang Allah yang maha tentukan kan....so far, well, he's learning to walk but to walk independently, it would be a real miracle to walk independently by June...however, I've seen miracles happen to Ridhwan kan....so mana tahu, wallahualam kan....thought, this time, I'm setting my target to be latest before Raya...why Raya? cause it would be a wonderful Raya gift for Ridhwan's grandparents in Ipoh to see their grandchild be able to walk...and also since I've written this in my blog, I have no choice to work hard to achieve this! Amin...amin...amin....tapi tu lah, we plan, Allah decides it kan.....so one target being implemented right now...

Target no. 2....his eye-sight....Ridhwan has what they call it a lazy eye...or as many would know in malay, juling or squint, umm okay, squint is not in malay, hehee...we have seen many opthalmologist and I must say, the fourth is the lucky one! Hahaha...ya rite...fourth....two out of the four eye doctors we saw was so discouraging that I felt like strangling them for being so discouraging and giving no hope at all towards ridhwan's condition and we as parents too....but this fourth one is the best...he knows his job and he knows how to deal with children and he knows what special needs children go through and how the brain works that deals with why certain things that the children undergoes happens and how it affects the eye sight too...and also, he was the one finally to teach me ho to use the eye patch...yup, Ridhwan is a pirate now! Captain jack sparrow!! hahhaa....no, my son is no jack sparrow and he will not be a pirate...maybe looks like one ya ;) hehee...so thanks to the eye patch thingy, Ridhwan's eye sight has seen some improvement and hopefully even better....amin....but, he needs glasses..oh well, nowdays, its not uncommon to see them with glasses right...though it is sad lah, for those normal children that is...but for Ridhwan, its something that could not be avoided....and so his power is somewhat okay, aroung 100 plus like that...but his astig of my....is veeeery high....hmmmm....so, the thing is now, Ridhwan has sensory issues, hates to be touch at the fingers and hand, won't put down his foot properly AND...hates having anything on his face such as wiping face with wet towel or putting on a cap on the head...soooo automatically, any foreign thing on face or head will be thrown away happily by Ridhwan :D ...which doesn't help of course lah kan...so now, I need to deal with this sensory problem, by giving him more and more 'facial' massage to him...yes, for girls who have tried facials before, its just like that you know! Hehehe...we of course would love facials right? but for my dear Ridhwan...its a big no! no! ...so now, with dealing with this facial sensory issue as fast as I can, i will be able to make Ridhwan wear his glasses as often as possible..and hopefully rectify his eye sight as best as we can..that too, targeted to overcome fully by the end of the year....hmmm.....

Next, target no. 3!! Mari belajar menulis! ....yes, our paed has once again, reminded me or ugut me, as i sometimes feel she's doing, which actually I am so very thankful to have her doing that to me....hehee...she has told me to make Ridhwan hold a pen or pencil and learn how to wrute as she expects him to go to a normal school when he comes to the age of going to a normal school...hmm...yes, sensory issues again.....and so, more hand games, or finger games or in shichida as they say, finger training....and means, more therapy, and more...and more....

With all this sensory issues, it makes me realise, how ungrateful I am and how we take for granted our sensors that was given to us by our creator and how shallow we are not realising that the brain is the most powerful organ in our body and one little damage to it can cause so much unstability in our so-called normal body of us...who'd knew that there are cases where children or even adults, who just couldn't feel the joy of touch we feel when we first touch our babies when they came out into our world or even hold our husbands hand right after akad nikah, you know that feeling of comfort and reassurance of a touch...yes....the sensors of touch...how we or mostly I never realise its powerful usage to just even do normal things, like holding a pen, wiping our sweat on our forehand or walking on a sandy beach ....so my friends, do appreciate that sensors call touch..touch your children a lot, touch your husband or wife...oops..hehee ...or just enjoy our sensors that god has given us cause there are so many out there whom has never felt them or lost them somehow....so may Alllah give me abundant of strength to remind myself this everyday, to enable me to fully work hard to make Ridhwan reach this 3 targets...Insya-Allah...also as my rehab doctor would always say...enjoy your child as much as you can despite many difficulties he and maybe we go through..cause at the end of the day...he is my darling little boy and I love him soo much and I only want whats best for him...wallahualam...

I'm back!

Gosh, it has been quite some I've not written in my blog here....have not been too far away from the blog world actually..just kept quiet for some time by reading peoples blog but was so darn lazy to write in my own...hehee...

Anyway, after Ridhwan was warded in the hospital last year in October I was just not in the mood to write or tell any stories....yup...he was warded...my biggest fear hit me...but alhamdulillah he is fine now....though, last syawal had to be the worst syawal I've ever experienced as I spent nearly 3 weeks in SDMC of formerly known as SJMC paed ward...and Ridhwan's fits was at its worst at that time...I was crying nearly every other day..or was it everyday..hmm..can't seem to remember that though...mana taknya, Ridhwan had to go through 6 times..or was it 7..hmm..shows that I don't really want to remember what happened ya....anyway, Ridhwan has to be inserted the IV for 6 times as his IV line could only last 1 day!!! and mind you, he had to have an IV in his oh so small cute little veins as his fits was coming and going nearly everyday...so he needed fast reaction to stop the fits entirely.....sigh....anyway, thanks so much to friends who came to visit, Belin and Juan, Chery, Hani, Syida and Shahril, Ayin and Ian...and also thanks to friends for the sms(s) and calls for words of comfort and support...but I must admit, that time, it was the hardest for me to see Ridhwan being warded...probably because he is bigger so he shows more pain and upset unlike when he was younger...his emotions was clearly seen and the fact that 6 times being poked by the needle!! That was a bit too mucnh for me....but we had to do it cause he needed fast medication....When I think back, it was also sad that my parents had to 'tapau' open house food for me and hubby since we were stuck in SJMC that time and couldn't enjoy the yearly open house that we have initially planned to go to...as they say, semua ketentuan Allah, kita merancang Allah yang tentukan...however, I'm am so glad we were in good hands, our ever dedicated neuro paed...without her, I don't know how else we could have made the fits stop....she is one dedicated neuro paed and I salute her so much for her dedication and determination in treating her child patients...thank you dear dr....

Well...enough of the sad story...despita what happened last year...alhamdulillah Ridhwan has progressed so much now! He is learning how to walk much better now...he has learn to hold himself up in his cot and stand by himself!! Yeaa ridhwan!! And he is also learning to cruise! Wooohoo! Though, now the only thing that is stopping him from walking perfectly is his tip toeing which I am working hard to address that issue by using his AFO....hmmmm.....Vocal wise, he is yakkity yaking everyday with me! Heehee...not only that, he knows dual languange these days, which my rehad dr. is very pleased as she has mention this so many times to me that, most children like ridhwan will be quite late in their speech...but not my Ridhwan ;) Oh no, not Ridhwan, his mama will make him talk! Heeheee...macam slave driver aje bunyinya yea...but as they say, no pain, no gain...I can't just be sitting around waiting for a miracle to happen when lots of work need to be done kan...Insya-Allah....

So, more work to me, continuous work and news ones too..even our neuro paed is giving me new 'work' to do...alamak dr, such high expectations you have towards me ke? ...Insya-Allah I'll try me best for Ridhwan's sake...and well maybe for others too ya...Insya-Allah...these are some recent photos of Ridhwan having fun! Till then, will write more about his updates and going ons in my life soon ya....ciao!

Ridhwan at KLCC park


Ridhwan playing his piano!

I'm on an emotional roller coaster and its draining me slowly...

Decisions...decisions...this one word that many parents in the world have to use and implement to their children and sometimes wonder if the final decision they made is the best for their children or not....

Pass few weeks have been very emotional to me as Ridhwan's fits is not getting any better....if I had it my way, I am sick and tired of forcing medications after medications down Ridhwan's stomach...yes stomach not throat cause it goes directly into the PEG tube....and I so want him to be fits/epilepsy free...hmm...which parent in my shoe doesn't right...

We even had to postpone our trip back to Ipoh as I got freaked out that he had it at least once a day, so instead of going back on saturday we postpone it on sunday...our paed also increased the dosage and said to monitor him closely...if anything give her a call...and alhamdulillah, he didn't get it in Ipoh! So, I was finally relieved that maybe this medication is working, at last!!

Though, to my dissapointment when we got back to KL...it got worse..exhaustion was one major contribution to the fits too...but despite not going anywhere after that...more milk..more food...more sleep..he had it....and after seeing the paed last wednesday...it got even worse!!

The paed was worried...i could see she was upset about this...heck, aren't we all!! And she actually asked us to ward Ridhwan last week...but i refused...which I don't know if its the best 'decision' we made...so she said, bring him home...increase the dosage, monitor him..and she gives until this friday...sigh....however, whether I like it or not....hubby and I have decided that if there is no significant improvement by tomorrow...to SJMC we go....huwaaa....

Many people are asking why am I still not warding him...how do I explain myself ya...ummm...phobia? freaked out? avoiding other diseases or flu that he may be susceptible to in the ward? minimising his phobia to more tests? more drawing of his blood??

Ya Allah...he is only 3 years old..and when I think back the things he had gone through since 4 days old...which mother would not refuse to let her child be in the ward again...my dear son is such a darling...during all his stay in the hospital last time..he has never complain, never fought back with me or even the paed or the nurses....despite the amount of time they poke him with needles after needles...he could still smile at me and giving out so much love to us...how could i? how could I want to bring him there again when now he has progressed so much....how do I tell him that we may be here...god knows, more than a week??? what combination of medications is the paed goin to use this time when we have tried so many already?? Phenobarbital, Phenytoin, Clonazepam, Lamictal, Vigabatrin, Epilim and now Clobazam with Topamax.....and the tests...EEG...blood test....I know..I know...the main thing is to stop the fits once and for all...but I just don't have the heart to see or allow him to be in that situation again despite agreeing that warding him may be the best solution now...is it?

My biggest fear is him being exposed to other sickness and whatever in the air in the ward cause he has progressed so well..ya Allah, his milestones despite a bit delayed has been the best thing that has happend to me the pass 2 years...his vocalisation...his motor skills development...has been the greatest achievement for me and and especially him so far....and what scares me the most, I have heard too many stories about special children like Ridhwan reverting back to old times, loosing or forgetting whatever skills they may have acquired already...tak mau! tak mau sangat2x....I have worked so hard to ensure his motor skills, fine and gross is as much as possible if not at par with his age group at least not too behind..and his speech progress has been the joy of my life as he endlessly without fail everyday tells me..."Mama...I wuv(love) you..." ..sometimes screaming, " Mamaaaa!! I wuv you!!" ......

BUT...yes the but..I know, fits are bad...and the last things is to prolong it cause god knows how it'll affect his brain...but that is what I'm feeling now...decisions..decisions...all I know, I must doa to Allah more and more and hope for the very best that Ridhwan will be fine again and most of all be Ridhwan's strength and hope as who else makes him smile and laugh but his mama which he says to everyday....I wuv you...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin...

Yes, I know..I know...its already half of Syawal but I think its still not too late to wish everyone a blessed Syawal and most of all Maaf Zahir dan Batin ya ;o) This Raya we went back to my hubbies hometown in Ipoh and by 2nd Raya was back in Shah Alam already...it was a joyous raya this year, visiting Parit to get keropok ikan bilis for hubby's mom, then visited hubby's tok's house which was very touching and heartbreaking all in one...then of course visiting my brother-in-law's new house! and then back to KL to celebrate with my family...but despite the joy and excitement it wasn't exactly great as Ridhwan's fit started getting more...sigh..that I shall post more later ya...so now, lets just enjoy the Syawal while it last...have a blessed raya to every muslim out there!!

I hope I'm strong enough..again...

Today was a normal day for me..the usual routine..wake up, ridhwan wakes up together....calls out "mama"...mintak "NYANYI!!!"...fine, switch on the cd player....gave him milk...gave him a bath....played with him...gave him his lunch...gave him milk again..force him to sleep!! ..cause his cousins were here..and as usual...since he asks about them everyday, every hour, every minute, I decided to let him see them before their weekly piano lessons next door to my mom's house...but again, one of the twins will be screaming away excitedly and ridhwan would cry....you see, he's not use to loud noise or sounds...wait, correction...he laughs when he hears the thunder!! ...let me rephrase...he's not use to hear people screaming or talking to loudly...I guess he feels that they might be angry with him but in actual fact, some people just talks loudly and you know kids, they talk and play loudly!!..hehee...so after pacifying him after a few minutes, I decide...that's it..time to sleep my dear...and he did...slept soundly after I placed him in his bed....the best sight this mother enjoy everyday IS to see her child sleeping soundly in his bed...such bliss....awww....

Then, the twins came back...I played with them for awhile and thought, better check up on my son now..wondering if he's still asleep....and there I saw it.....yes, the dreaded jerks and flop of the head!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ...ya Allah..when I saw the signs of mild..very mild fits/epilepsy...but still its a fits..I just couldn't help myself crying and quickly rush to the cupboard to grab hold on the rectal tube fits medication or commonly known in the hospital as Diazepam...ever since he was placed in the ICU in SJMC at 4 days old nearly 3 years ago, I have been carrying this diazepam in my handbag without fail...always fearing if ever he has fits when we are on the move or just out on a stroll, the diazepam is just an inch away from my hand to be placed directly into his rectum..sigh...



But...I made sure if was real fits...denial is so easy isn't it...when you really don't want something..you just wish it away or hope it'll go away..and so it took me a few minutes to really see or accept...it was a fit!...or a few fits...so then I quickly carried him and into my arms, calling out his name several times, hoping he'd be aware of his suroundings again..and he did...but yawned exhaustedly too....and went back to sleep....my darling...sian Ridhwan...

I just cried even more while carrying him in my arms...you see, its been nearly 2 years now that he was fits free...ever since he had pneumonia in 2006 and the doctor decided to make him use the PEG-tube, he was fits free..also it was also because he probably got the right fits medication that worked for him..and so for nearly 2 years...my life was sort of stable again...but most of all, stress free from worrying about the constant every 2 weeks or once a month visit to his neurologists in SJMC..but then it came again...it came back!

In May he had it again..the flops came..then...again, i was in denial..refuse to accept that he was having fits but being a mom, you get worried very easily when something just doesn't seem right about your child..and true enough, when we met up with his paed cum neurologists...and after some blood test and the awful EEG that made Ridhwan cried like mad..was probably even fitting during it! ...the paed@neurologist clarified Ridhwan as having fits again....nooooo.....

And so came the once dreaded episode of testing which dosage was suitable for ridhwan...the current Topamax (fits medication) was increased..and to make me feel even worse again...she added another fits medication called Clobazam...I know its for his sake too..but I guess it got to me real bad as the plan was to slowly tail down the medications in July and take it off once and for all...but then you know, just like his name...Ridhwan...redha...yes, kita kena redha dengan semua ketentuan Allah....I finally see, why I had chosen his name to be Ridhwan...it made me realise in everything I do or happens I must redha pada Allah...and I am...but being a normal human being and only want the best for her child....one can't help being worried and thinking..this is something I really don't want to go through again....but I must redha...

I've been through worse situations right....so I hope I'm strong enough...or actually I am stronger...right now, I just doa to Allah a lot that Ridhwan will eventually be fits free and have no fits attack at all....insya-Allah...amin...perkenankanlah doa ku ini Ya Allah..hambamu serahkan segala-galanya pada Mu....

Gisele Jaquenod...

May Yee...I saw your updated blog and couldn't help loving the blog design!! So I had a look at the designer's website and fell in love with her designs immediately! So I change my blog design also...like you! We like the same type of designs ya...sweet and nice...like you also! Hehee....

Sidetracked....

Sigh...I think I've been sidetracked too long...what am I doing? Why am I continuing being like this...have I not learned from the past..have I not learn anything at all? ....Sigh...Hmm..sighing is not going to make it better too!

I've sidetracked long enough...priorities are important....duties is utmost importance too....why should I continue being that way, when I should be in another way...following another path....or actually my path have already been placed before me...

Too long I've allowed myself in denial...sidetracked myself so easily when the real truth is right in front of me to embark and embrace!

Enough sidetracked! Determine your priorities, your wants and your needs...stop feeling sorry for yourself and chin up once and for all!

No more sidetracking for me...no more being sidetracked with all the luxuries of the world, the lure of the technology world, the unnecessary needs that does not really matter...

No!!...no more sidetracks for me!!...once and for all I shall stand tall and even taller than before...yes, no more sidetracks...no more...no more...

Begone sidetrack!!!

Beading galore...

Recently I have taken interest on a new hobby called beading...I was always fascinated with bracelets...even dear hubby bought a few bracelets for me long time ago made out of chip gemstones and glass beads. Ever since then I've always like buying bracelets such as those. However, recently a dear friend, Belinda introduced me to her passion of beading and I have even bought a few from her and was lucky enough to get one free on my birthday! Thanks Belin!

Ever since that, my interest and curiosity on beading build up like mad! Being a mother who gives her fulltime to her son's need limits her time to go out and shop around for bead shops...and to her sadness too...some of the bead shops that Belin mentions does not open on Sunday..which is the one full day that I could drag my hubby to drive me around...out of Shah Alam!

So, lucky me, recently as I was aimlessly surfing on the internet, I came across a beading shop website that sells beads ..and it is based in Malaysia! And even better was based in KL! Being an ardent fan of online shopping these days..thanks to my scrapbooking hobby these days...I decided to check out the website and try to buy some beads to see how fast they deliver...well, it was fast! And there starts another hobby! Woohoo!!

Actually, the interest started a few years back when I went back to Ipoh, my hubby's hometown where my sis-in law and I came across a beading shop..but at that time, all I could think of was doing wooden beads and I was still doing my masters..and so the hobby was actually left in the cupboard to catch dust! Hahaha...

Well, so much for that, now I can finally start doing it more with tools that dear hubby has so kindly acquired even without asking...and he even bought a 'tool box' which again, I never asked him to buy for me! Saaayang abang!!...to start on my new hobby which for now is more for self-satisfaction and pleasure...but then again, who knows, could I try it out as a business??...hmm, we'll see ;o)

My first bracelet..using new and old beads...some cheap ones...some swarovski

In a little pouch where I keep all my bracelets

The 'tool box' hubby bought especially for me!!

Some of my collections...glass beads, swarovski and wooden beads...

Another angle of the 'tool box'

Hobbies?

Ever since I've finished my masters and have more time to myself, and of course Ridhwan, I've been slowly going back to what I love most...arts and crafts....yup, this once computer engineer is boldly going to another area of interest that has been put aside for quite some time now..

Actually, the passion and interest of arts and crafts was started way back in school days...yup, way back in primary! Most of the crafts I did was for self use, boxes to put things, pencil cases and so forth...it was just one of the things that I really enjoyed doing...my so-called creative side...but as the years past by..and especially since I was in the science stream the time was not really spend on it...and also probably was more worried about SPM! But, the passion never died..still bought arts and crafts books and took the time to try some projects for friends such as cards...even went to art shop at Central market KL..wonder if it still exist..maybe...but once again...it just stopped there....

When I was in Uni, the time for crafts was even scarce ..as undergraduate time as they say is the hardest and most challenging time for a student..and of course it was the time to just hang out with good friends after classes and well just enjoying your uni life while you can!!..sheesh, one wonders when do i study then ya? hahahaa....then, the working phase came in...even no time at all to do any crafts projects!!..and I was itching and missing it badly but still my weekends was spend more with my parents and also recuperating after a tiresome and sometimes stressful work week.... After that, came the marriage phase! Crafts time? Oh no, hubby time! Heeheee...yup, even no time at all for such hobbies as it was the time that I really went out a lot as newlyweds and enjoying time with each other after a long week at work, miss those movie dates!....then, of course Ridhwan came along..that was the time where hobbies was a word that has never before been heard!! Also I was busy with my masters which didn't give me a chance to do anything else..my creativity at that time was more on paper works and programmings....not much art creativity there pun! Hahhaa...

So now...when time is more or less quite stable..not to say I have more time to myself ...but there are 'some' time to squeeze..I am slowly picking up the hobbies that I used to like and slowly wanting to venture into such as the 'into' sewing thing....scrapbooking, going cracy buying my stocks online!!...and the latest craze....for me that is.....beading! So, you'll be seeing me posting some of my hobbies here...no much of a pro yet, still an amateur but with passion!...and of course Ridhwan's progress....these are some of the latest things this mama of a very special boy spends her time, mostly at night... in addition to provide the best for his son, which is still her very first priority always....

Ridhwan's 3rd Birthday party!

Hie! Whoopsie, its been quite awhile since I've written in this blog of mine ya...busy? well, being a fulltime mummy to Ridhwan is busy alright...hehee...but still very contented not having to work and have to deal with work stress...oh yes, that one I don't miss at all! I might have other stress at home, but I'd rather deal with household and child rearing stress anytime...though, one can't deny not missing the monthly salary, kaching! Hahaha...yes, those were the days...

Anyway, for those who were wondering how's my so-called web work progress that I've been ranting about...its stagnant...or shall I just say, nope, not doing anything about it...my brother didn't get back to me about it..so apa lagi, sonyap je lah...buat apa nak tambah kerja rite...hehe...of course the extra income would do me good, but its okay, truthfully, life as a mother and housewife seems more relaxing and very fulfilling to me...for now..and probably for the rest of my life, Insya-Allah....

Well, before I go babbling away, these are just some photos of my dear Ridhwan on his 3rd birthday! Alhamdulillah, he is now 3 years old and so much progress has been made! Alhamdulillah sangat2x...His birthday was on 2nd June 2008 recently...okay, not so recent lah since its August already..but it was a blast for me, and hopefully for him as we made a very small party at my new house! Yup, my little pad at seksyen 7! Was quite apprehensive and yet very excited about the lunch party but I was like, heck, just do it! Though we had the party a day before his birthday, on the 1st of June, Sunday. It was a nice small party just with close family and was very heartwarming for me as my auntie who had stroke was ever so willing to travel all the way to my little house and even enjoyed herself there! Even my grandmother came, which made it even sweeter and she was very happy to finally see me in my own house, and that made me smile a lot...yup, nothing like having your own property kan...mine! mine! oops...me and hubby's of course ;o) hehee....

The next day, we treated Ridhwan to a fun time at Aquaria! Actually, this is our 2nd visit there and I think would be the last for now, for many, many years to come...you've been there twice...I think you've seen them all!...though, it was nice to see Ridhwan more alert to see the fishes and me too had a chance to touch baby sharks! Yup, cool tul! But I was freaking out gak at that time...imagining my fingers being bitten, nauzubillah lah kan....but all in all, it was a good outing, had lunch afterwards, which I can't seem to remember where?!! But definitely in KLCC....oh now, I remember, wanted to eat Burger King but ended up in A&W instead as Ridhwan somehow was in a crying frenzy at that time...poor darling, must be tired already by that time..but later I still had a chance to go to my favourite but so darn expensive bookshop, Kinokuniya and bought the book I've been drooling for soooo long...

Yup, you can say I'm sort of into sewing..let me rephrase it ya...'into' it only, not 'doing' it yet...hehee...but will do it soon when I get some cash soon...umm raya? sigh..ya probably...bought this book as I just love the fabrics she uses and they have many designs to sew...yup, many designs, which one to do first..gosh, the choices...hehee.. after wandering around KLCC for a few more minutes, we headed back home very satisfied and fulfilled that Ridhwan's birthday was celebreated with lots of love and enjoyment! It was a wonderful day spend with Ridhwan and hubby, yup hubby specially took the whole day off to spend time with Ridhwan and his mama...

So, here are some pics of Ridhwan's party at our house...semoga Allah panjangkan umur Ridhwan and murahkan rezeki selalu...amin...

Tze food at our extra tables..all bought! Hahahaa..

Yummy, ayah pouring pink guava juice!

Mama and Ridhwan with the birthday cake

Cutting cake time! One of his favourite cartoon, Thomas the Train! Toot! Toot!

Feeding time!

What I installed works!! Yippee!

Today, I was downloading all freeware softwares that I could recall that I've used during my 3 years in Open Source Systems Sdn. Bhd. Working in that company enabled me to have a vast exposure on the operating system called Linux that many windows user fear and run away from. I practically freaked out too the first time I saw that I had to learn from a console window to do my work...really freaky...but when I think back, learning this cool OS was the best thing I did during my work there. I was also lucky cause I had trainers to give me the hands on to install and use the OS and also since that company was providing Linux training, I had the priviledge to join their training classes for free...yes, for free! Though as time went by, I had to do more project management and less programming which was actually good too, cause programming isn't exactly my cup of tea, which I realised later on that is...which is also the reason why I did my Masters...though, there is the question then, why in the world did I do Msc. in Computer Science then. Now THAT, is another story of course...hehee

Anyway, thinking since I'm not working anymore, a fulltime mama to Ridhwan and spending most of my time at home, therapy with Ridhwan and well I could say with a much better ease of mind as compared to my working days....oh and successfully completed my Masters with flying colours..still a big surprise to me?!...I would think, my experience and expertise in the computer world would not be needed anymore...hmm, boy, was i wrong!! Surprisingly, my sis-in law still ask me questions concerning networking or computer stuff which sometimes I could answer if I remember! Heheee...or I would tell her, everything is in the internet! Yup, hampeh punyer sis-in law....well, I can't help myself not answering her question as seriously I really can't remember and it would take some time to remember or get the answer....or maybe I just don't know and that I totally can't recall if I forgot or never learn about it...hahaha...and of course there is my father who'd ask me bioinformatics stuff which i totally dread these days, but don't mind answering actually but I just try to avoid any bioinfo questions, sorry tak ingat and takpalah, tak tahu pun takpa...hehee... Well, for a girl who studied engineering, one would expect to learn more of engineering or computer engineering stuff when one person starts working right...but learn biology now, from scracth?? Nooo!!! ...well, that was a real challenge and experience for me when i first started working..and after awhile it sunk into my head...that's it!!....why don't I just take up some Biology course, since I'm gapping most of the time when I attend some of the meetings with clients with biology background!...yup, that, was also one of the reason I decided, enough bioinfo for me...tata biology...here comes teaching line....this was of course before I delivered Ridhwan and now I think I like my simple and stress free life as a mama and housewife to my family...

Well, now a new challenge is facing me! My dear brother has asked me to do some database management system which I must say I did very, very little while I was working....Zatil will definitely agree and can back me up on that kan Zatil ;0) Heeheee....buuut, yes there is a but here, Alhamdulillah I had the experience and time to install some web content management systems on....Linux...yup Linux...windows? ...yes, I have....but since I rarely used or install it...I am now cracking my head trying to recall the softwares I installed before. Though, Alhamdulillah again, I was able to find them all without consulting anyone and successfully installed the softwares! Yippee to me! Hahaha..

Now...here comes the tricky part....sure, I've installed them...but now, I so can't remember which certain folders need to be in certain folders to ensure it runs smoothly!!! ARGHHH??!! Yes, so now that is my biggest problem and that means more reading....sigh...not that I don't want to help my brother, he needs me and I will help him...but I guess, I am so relax and happy in my comfort zone of not worrying about programming or computer work anymore, this 'new project' for me is sure a wake up call for me with a big cling-clang!!

Its okay, I nearly gave up my masters when Ridhwan was hospitalised and so many events were occuring during my Msc that would have made me just stop my Msc entirely...but I needed to show Ridhwan that whatever I started, I must end it, with dignity and at least try...yup...try and try again....just like what I'm doing with Ridhwan to ensure he gets to walk and run...and play like any other children..insya-Allah.....so Ridhwan, mama must remember that little talk I kept giving myself and to you about not giving up and so try to install whatever I need to install and make Pak's(what Ridhwan calls his uncle) web a reality...Insya-Allah...and of course worse come to worse there's Zatil, Ayu and May Yee to help me ya! Pleaseeee....

So, ganbatte Reenaz! Jangan pandang belakang!! Oopss...that sounds like the movie title...Just do it! ...like Nike...hehee...

Cracking me head...aiyoo

Okay...how long I've stopped working? ..umm...2004 October was my last month at OSS...so I can say, I've practically left the working force for nearly 4 years now...when was the last time I did web work? ummm...probably October 2004.....soooo, I am cracking my head right now trying to recall back web work which I've not laid my hands on even during masters time which I've left nearly 4 years ago!!!! Arghhh!?!! ...okay..okay, relax Reenaz...there's a lot of friends out there who can help, an sms away, an email away, a call away.....sigh...who am I kidding that I can help my brother to do a website for him ....or actually some database management....but, as I've proven myself that giving up is never an option in my life to show Ridhwan that his mama is strong...I shall and now do it in Windows, which I've done before, but can't seem to remember??!!...okay, relax reenaz...take a deep breath...its okay, I can do it.....ganbatte mama Ridhwan, you can do it! Yes I can, yes I will.......I hope....

Chery's Wedding - Saturday, 10th May 2008

Last weekend, I attended my good friend's wedding at Nikko Hotel, KL. The hall was really nicely decorated and I enjoyed the live musicians playing the violins and...I can't seem to remember the other musical instrument, heehee. Anyway, it was a lovely wedding and a good time with old friends. Though, I was quite sad that I couldn't attend the wedding with me hubby as he just came back from Bintulu on Friday and was down with fever plus diarrhea...the poor darling...Ridhwan too was having runny nose at that time, so I was worried leaving those two together even though my mom is around. But even if my mom is around, most of the time it would be my hubby taking care of Ridhwan. But Alhamdulillah, they both somehow managed without me around. But Ridhwan was definitely missing me, as he asked my mom "mama? mama?" and my mom said "Mama went out.." and he said " Come back! Come back.." Huwaaa!!!...oh Ridhwan my son, u missed me yea?! Sob...sob....but when I came home, I quickly kissed his forehead while he was sleeping away beautifully in his cot...saaayang Ridhwan....

Anyway, luckily, my dear good friend, Iela was kind enough to give me a lift to the wedding at Nikko Hotel that night. Thanks yea Iela and Aqus! It was so nice to see little Amirul all grown up. We must get together with the whole family next time ya! Insya-Allah...The journey to Nikko Hotel was nice for me as it was a time to update myself and Iela on our current life and happenings. It also made me miss hubby and Ridhwan very much at that time. As soon as I reached the hotel, I rushed with Loges to see the bride while she was made up at her room. She looked resplendent! Then after that, I rushed down for maghrib prayers and head to the hall. The hall was lovely! Luckily, I was placed with other good friends Belinda, Loges and Aliza with their other halves, so I was not entirely that lonely that night. But I have to admit, it was pretty sad for me when they started playing romantic songs when the bride and groom came into the hall and when they showed the church wedding pictures held during the day. I missed my hubby that time!! Huwaa...oh well, that shows how rarely I attend a wedding or any dinner event all by myself these days.

However, It was really nice to meet my other ex-classmates from secondary school and some very good friends, which I have not seen nearly 14 years and some that I have lost contact past few years...but as they say, friendship is a wonderful thing and you never forget good friends, and seeing some of the gals, like Iela and Ija really brought back wonderful memories during our years in secondary school and how much I miss their company a lot. So, it was really nice to see them again after all these years. I also enjoyed the company of Patrick and his wife Allison. Despite meeting them only a few times, they are such a nice couple and I had fun laughing and talking to them. So, all in all, it was a lovely wedding and I had a nice time eating chinese food! Was really good, I was surprise that I was quite full cause I've attended a few chinese dinner before and was always hungry afterwards. Heehee...yes, despite being many course... So, Nikko's food was really really good! Heheee...

Well, here are some of the pictures at the wedding. To chery, congratulations dear! I'm very happy that you have finally found your one true love. May happiness be with both of you always and your journey is about to begin, so be a good wife and have a wonderful life together! Congrats again!!

The bride and groom

The very tall wedding cake!

I just loved the deco at the main table!

At the back from left: Loges, Belinda, Allison (Patrick's wife)
In front from left: Fui Ping(Chery's ex-HP colleague), Aliza, Me

Us and the beautiful bride!

The Yam Seng event!

From left: Abrizah, Iela, Me, Ija and Belinda