Inspiration...

How much do you watch TV? Me?? A lot....sad to admit lah...hehee..but yesterday I sort of needed or wanted to watch TV as it was sort of a break for me from printing after printing of materials for Ridhwan's pre-writing exercises....it took me such a long time as I wanted quality materials and if possible coloured materials, which is susahnya nak cariiii! So, after much thinking, and frustration, I decide, oh well, buat sendiri je lah..besides having gone to Shichida last time would help me to get some ideas to prepare Ridhwan's writing material ya..Insya-Allah...

Anyway, back to the story of TV....last night I watched a movie called 'Front of the class'...I actually saw it a few days ago...the ending that is..couldn't understand it actually..yelah, saw for 2 minutes, the movie finished...hehee...then a day after that saw it again or actually glanced at it since my dad was changing channels ...in my mind...hmmm, menarik movie nie, why is that boy doing that yea? but still didn't watch it....then, last night, I got to sit down and actually watch it! Woohooo! You see, the movie is a very simple movie but soooo inspirational for me...the movie is about a young boy's journey in dealing with his condition called Tourette syndrome....a little explanation of the movie and Touretter is given as below ya...

Brad Cohen is a motivational speaker and an award-winning teacher and author who has severe Tourette syndrome (TS).Cohen described his experiences growing up with the condition in his book, Front of the Class: How Tourette Syndrome Made Me the Teacher I Never Had, co-authored with Lisa Wysocky. The book has been made into a Hallmark Hall of Fame TV movie titled Front of the Class.

During his childhood, Cohen was accused of being a troublemaker in school and was punished by his teachers for the tics and noises caused by TS. He decided to "become the teacher that he never had". After he graduated and received his teaching certificate, 24 elementary schools rejected him before he was hired at Mountain View Elementary School in Cobb County, Georgia. As a new teacher, he was named Georgia's First Class Teacher of the Year.

Tourette syndrome (also called Tourette's syndrome, Tourette's disorder, Gilles de la Tourette syndrome, GTS or, more commonly, simply Tourette's or TS) is an inherited neuropsychiatric disorder with onset in childhood, characterized by the presence of multiple physical (motor) tics and at least one vocal (phonic) tic; these tics characteristically wax and wane. Tourette's is defined as part of a spectrum of tic disorders, which includes transient and chronic tics.

Anyway, these is just a summary of the movie, what made me inspired from the movie was the dedication in Brad Cohen's mother to find the cause of his 'tics' and his behaviour which his father sad to say always kept thinking was his own doing out of spite when in actual fact he had no control of it whatsoever...I really felt pity and sad when he was treated badly by other teachers during interviews and even students when he was young...and realised how ignorant we human can be...but his mother is someone you can't help admiring for she instilled in her son the will to fight his syndrom and prevail above all despite the 'disabilities' he was facing and the way the society reacts towards him...that...really saddens me...that made me cry...yes, society my friend...a scene that realy made an impact to me in the movie which made me see there are still some hope in the society hopefully..and malaysian society I hope...though I am doubting it though....anyway, the scene was when Brad's teacher send him to the principal's room after he was considered disrupting the class with his 'tics' which sound like barking at times, and yelping...he has no control of it for goodness sake you moron! Oopps sorry for the language..I can't help saying that to the teacher character in that movie who send him to the principal's office as it is so obvious how ignorant he is....well, when Brad waited for the principal, the principal came out of the office to meet Brad and looked very upset...and asked Brad "what is school for?" ....Brad just looked at him...and the principal himself answered the question...he said "to educate.....to teach knowledge to eliminate ignorance..." (i think the word is eliminate or somewhat similar meaning) and then he asked Brad to come to some school orchestra later during school that day...and Brad initially said no cause he'd disrupt it with his 'noises' as he calls it...but the principal insisted...and so he went...and of course, during the orchestra playing, he couldn't help himself by making all the tics sounds and other kids were shhhhh-ing him all the way...it looked so sad at that time cause he really couldn't help doing it....then right after the music finished, the principal called Brad to the stage and asked the audience "did you hear the noise just now?" the students said yes...he even pointed who made the sounds....at that time, Brad looked pretty upset and is making even more tics sounds....then the principal said " come up here Brad Cohen..." and he asked him one question at a time...why Brad did it...he said its a neurological disorder...why does he not take medications?..Brad says there is no cure for it....why didn't he stop it...and so forth...which he is indirectly telling or teaching the teachers and students why Brad was behaving in such a way...and one question that made me smile was when he asked Brad "What can we do Brad to help you with the syndrome....what can the whole school do to help..." ...that made me cry.....why?.. here was a principal indirectly educating his staffs and students to learn about why this young boy is behaving that way which is out of his control and has no cure, and most of all, he cares....he actually cares how Brad was feeling...and he was eliminating ignorance in his school....ignorance which our society has yet to overcome...which made me cry even more as I straight away thought of Ridhwan...his future....his interaction with the society when he is older....the fear..of how peoples ignorance could actually weaken him at times and saddens him just as Brad felt in his many rejected interviews to become a teacher....BUT..yes the but, Brad was an example that dreams do come true, he wanted to become a teacher, he became one! He overcomed peoples ignorance by being very positive and answering all their ignorance in a well mannered way...he overcome his Tourette by explaining to other teachers and students..and eventually earning their trust and most of all respect.. for being brave and daring to reach his dreams despite having to deal with his condition...that made me really cry like mad as that is so inspirational for a man to be strong despite his 'disabilities' as some may call it...but his condition is also a blessing for him and his strength to face the ruthless ignorant world we have these days....

For that, I am so inspired with Brad's strength and achivement that I do hope that Ridhwan too will have that confident, that strength, that patience when he grows up one day....and I know, I need to be that mother that Brad's mother is... to always be there for him, give hope and confidence in him...and of course unconditional love....Though, I know our society still lacks or are so ignorant of the brain-injured people out there...and that saddens me a lot....I have heard of many stories mothers are having problem even sending a child to a kindergarten so the child may interact, socialize and learn...all they want is to learn ...please...why deprive them from that?...why say no just because his head is small..why sat no cause he's autistic...why say no cause he keeps asking to much questions...why say no just because he can't walk...why say no beacuse he can't see....whys say no just because you yourself don't understand what cerebral palsy is or microcephalic is....why?? why?? you answer me you ignorant so-called educators out there!! ...sorry, got a bit emotional ya....hehee...but, these are what we brain-injured/special needs parents are facing, going to face or have faced....so may Allah give strength to these parents and most of all to the child...to just do what he/she wants to do and would like to achieve and not let their disability and society's ignorance to hinder them from doing whatever they want to do or be....

It made me think too you know....you say you want to be a teacher...but think again...why do you want to be a teacher? to educate yes...but is there a clause somewhere that says..I only want to educate normal children..normal students...normal....then, what about the brain-injured ones? ...as an educator, shouldn't they have the priviledge and chance to learn and be educated too? Just because the child has ADD or ADHD or autistic, you suddenly indirectly write in your resume "will teach except to special needs" ....hmmm?? ....I beg teachers out there or future teachers out there please think back of why you want to be an educator ...the principal who made Brad's day in the movie is a man who deserves his title "an educator" ..as he himself said, "you go to school to get an education....to get knowledge...to eliminate ignorance..." ...so whenever you see a brain injured/special needs child...think of how he/she sometimes feel frustrated not being able to learn certain things at a normal pace as other childrens are doing.....think of how, he/she would love to play and learn just like their so-called normal peers..think of how, they are actually struggling and have to work harder to do what is called simple but could be darn difficult to them...

So, my dear friends...I urge you to educate yourself...I myself am still educating myself too...educate your children about how the world out there isn't exactly a perfect one, BUT...can be a better place for your child and someone elses brain injured child ...cause you know, you learn, you have educate yourself about the many differences between a brain injured child and a normal one..but at the end of the day...they all want the same thing....to be educated...to be learned...to have knowledge..to live together with everyone else...to have a life...a meanigful life.....

Excuse me for some of my languages ya...but seeing the movie really made me think hard and how our society lacks the education in special needs...and if I can just share a bit of how a special needs parent feel and experience...I hope you will have some idea of how Ridhwan or in general brain injured children are facing and will face in future..and please try to help them as much as you can, stop staring at them, don't open your mouth and gap at them, don't run away from them seeing them in their wheelchairs or funny shoes or apparatus on them....but smile....yes...smile...smile at their parents...smile at the child...and most of all...bersyukur....syukur banyak2x that you are normal and you have a normal child....be thankful to Allah that you are blessed with a child and pray that your child one day will make a difference in the future and never let them be ignorant around the special ones...the special needs ones....wallahualam....

The EEG test results...

Monday last week was Ridhwan's scheduled EEG..the last one we had was probably last year kot when he was warded for nearly 3 weeks....anywa, to my sadness but as I have expected, Ridhwan still has seizures in his brain...hmm...sigh...we arrived at SDMC around 9 am to go straight to Level 1, North Tower to the Diagnostic lab...I think I have been in that department so many times, I even know if they are new people in the department..some who knows me or recognise me I suppose would nod at me or smile at me...Today's lab technician or assistant..or what do they call themselves ya? Anyway, she was new..I think or... maybe old as in old staff yea ;)...but she was nice...anyway, this young lady was eager to perform the EEG test on Ridhwan but little did she know, Ridhwan just hates, and I mean HATES anything to be on his head or hair...so initally, it was quite a commotion in the neurology testing room 1 as we were trying to hold Ridhwan's hand..hold down his head and calming him down as the young lady tried to place the wires on Ridhwan's oh-so-comel head....that was hard for me...truthfully it was....why? well, first because he was moving his head non-stop trying to stop the young lady from placing any wires on his head...then he started to cry..alamak...this was hard for me...I noticed as the child gets older it gets harder to do any test on them cause they understand better and they show if they hate it or feel uncomfortable with what is being done to him...but after much coaxing and singing! Oh yes I sang Hahahaha...then he finally settled down and allowed the wires to be place on his head..mind you, banyak bebenor wires dia...though I am used to this test but somehowe I don't know why it gets a bit harder for me to see it these days but at least knowing this test would last around 3 hours, I'm somehow prepared about it...sort of...hehee....

Since Ridhwan refused to sleep! You see the EEG test needs the child to sleep for at least 30 minutes to check and see how the brain works during resting period...this is also good to see how the brain is during resting period where it should show no sign of seizures as it is resting..but so much for that!! No matter how many times I tried sleeping next to him...or even my husband tried to sleep next to him...he was just not interested to sleep...soooo, it looks like the 3 hour test is set to go! However, me and hubby took turns to go in and out of the room before we both become too agitated just like Ridhwan was getting to be....so, sometime during the test, I went and busy bodied myself in the next room to actually see the results of Ridhwan's test on the pc...and to my sadness...yup...its there alright even when he is practically lying down doing nothing..and so I disturbed the technicians about how in the world do you read the results..which is the right and which is the left...what in the world is that line doing that? ...and so forth...but all in all, I learned quite a lot in a very short time and sort of knew what the readings were all about....then after 3 hours of lying down on the bed....Ridhwan that is..we were finally asked to leave or in other words, dah abis test dah!!

Since the technicians and the young lady needed some time to properly tabulate the results or readings, they asked to come in an hours time...aiseh, that means, we can only see our neuro paed after lunch?!! Hmm..why am I not surprise..how ones memory seems to forget that this was the same scenario we went through last year...or wait, was it during Ridhwan being warded...hmmm..see...the mind..the mind...well, after a good lunch at the cafeteria, thank god the food there has always been yummy! heheee...we then made our way back to the diagnostic lab to get the results and then to the neuro paed's clinic....and after waiting for half and hour or so it was our turn to see the neuro paed....and not to my surprise, surely enough she said there are still seizures in Ridhwan's brain :( ..however, the sort of good news is the seizures are lesser than the previous EEG test we did....yahoo! walaupun tak hilang semua, its good news you know to know its slowly getting less...amin...amin...however, then only also I know from the EEG you sort of know if the brain is matured already and Ridhwan's was getting there but not yet fully matured...hmmm..and then the neuro paed showed a matured or a 4 year old brainwaves..and I was like...oooh...alamak...hmmmm....work it girl! work it!! yes...that was what came to my mind when I saw the difference in the brainwaves.....however, the visit to the neuro paed was as usual long ..however, fun this time as Ridhwan was actually interacting more with his neuro paed....but it then shows that seizures are still there..and we have got to make it go away....how..well for now its medications....additional pulak tu!!! sigh...but doa....that's one way to do it..most powerful thing you know the doa right...amin..Insya-Allah...

So all in all, seizures? expected..increase in medications? yes....sigh...otherwise its back to constant therapy and therapy and therapy.....so Ridhwan, our journey is still a long way to go....may Allah always be with us...and give mama strength to give what's best for you yea...Insya-Allah...amin...

Why? ...why does he do the head banging thing...sigh..

Lately, before and after the seizure episode, Ridhwan has been having head banging session so often that not only is it driving me nuts its mentally torturing me and drowning me emotionally..lately tears have been on my cheeks cracking my head or worrying why in the world does he do that??!! Some may say it could be behaviour problem..what??!! God knows what brain-injured children does sometimes isn't it...but he has been such a pleasant boy all this while...never had this head banging going on..and now lately, its what he does most of the time when he wakes up...huwaaa!!! though one worry that is making my head spinning around and tears dripping on my cheeks even more is that he may still be having unseen seizures in his head....oh no...for example in the morning just now, he looked at me, smiled, then suddenly made a sad face and said, "sakit.."...and rubbed his head....then he played for awhile in his cot...and then said again "sakit..." and rubbed his head...huwaaaaa.....truthfully, these past few weeks have been very hard for me...and somehow its not doing me any good as somehow I am not able to bring myself up like I usually do and am in a depression state at times that its pulling me down even worse....and I hate that so much!! ....I must be tired....or too worried...or dunno lah...all I can say, I have to be strong wether I like it or not...and I am praying like mad that his EEG next week will be okay....or not? ..seee! this negativity in me...sigh...Ya Allah, I pray to you, please keep me strong in times like this, there is no one else I can turn to except you...please keep me strong and please protect Ridhwan from anymore seizures....please....sob.....sob....

Ridhwan's makan2x at Nenek's house....

On 31st May, we decided to make a very small makan2x at Ridhwan's nenek house to celebrate Ridhwan's fourth birthday...Initially we wanted to do at my house as we did last year but then thinking of my aunt who had stroke and still has difficulty in walking, our house would be quite a challenge for her to go to the bathroom when nature calls ;) So, this year, Ridhwan's grandmother decided we do it at her house instead. However, sad to say, my aunt and grandmother could not attend...but its okay, at least my uncle and my brother's family was there...I sometimes ask myself, maybe I should make one big party for him like how I see many young parents these days are doing for their children..as much as I'd love to do it, I keep thinking, who's the one whose going to enjoy it most? Me? Eating away and chit chatting away...or Ridhwan? Who'd be looking around at the commotion and not having the opportunity to run around with other childrens and join in their fun or play...so after much thinking, 2 years ago, I decided, his birthday party in the big event will be when he actually walks..that would then be a celebration to celebrate his biggest achievement and at that time hopefully he will enjoy to eat and play with other children his age, younger or even older...so after much consideration, I will stick to this plan, where the 'big party' will be held when he walks, maybe next year kan? hehee..amin..so at that time, I will smile in glee and joy to see how he has achieve something that we have been working so hard all these years and for him, it is his time to shine and show the world, I did it and here I am...Insya-Allah....kita merancang, Allah jua yang Maha menentukan....wallahualam...

Anyway, a party is still a party despite now or future right? :D So, on sunday, early morning, Ridhwan wakes up by humming the birthday song to himself..how cute! And he kept saying out loud, "partyy..partyy.." Yup, he knows what is going on...hehee....and is definitely looking forward to his small party! ;) So, here are some pics to show the event, Ridhwan was a bit emotional when we started singing the birthday song...god knows why..maybe cause he knows, his party will end with his father going off to overseas and that saddens him I suppose...alah, sian anak mama rindu dah kat ayah yea? ...hehee..but we still sang the birthday song to our heart desire and he cried to his heart desire too...hahahaa...reminds me of the song "It's my party and I cry if I want to, cry if I want to...." ..but, he did enjoy them in the end as he got to open presents and played with his twin cousins...thank you Pak Long, Auntie Jah, and Long's family for coming....we really appreciate that you could make it....jazakillah khairon....

Enjoy the pics....

Alahai comeinya anak mama duk simpuh pulak..heheee

Ridhwan was being a bit shy with his Wan Jah pulak...love his new cute chair..he likes it too!

Being shy and at the same time looking at his nenek...

Ridhwan having his food first before we had ours ;)

Tze foodies at tze table!!

We had my mom's delicious mee kari and some satay..

The lovely balloons my mom blew the night before! Go nenek Ridhwan..hehee

The twins at their own corner and 'special' table...

Some of the pressies..thank you everyone!

My last minute cake cause Bakers Cottage in Shah Alam couldn't make a children cake...the cake person apparently quit his job the day before I wanted to order!!..sigh...

But was compensated by my brother, he brought one cool cake instead! Yea! Thanks Long!

Ridhwan waiting for the cake cutting ceremony...in his new chair...

Yes, he was crying at this time, notice how the twins are more excited to eat the cake...hehee

Here we were singing to Ridhwan and trying to comfort and pacify him...while Shafeeq was helping himself to my mom's tiramisu..hahaahaa...

Happy 4th Birthday Ridhwan!!

How time flies so fast and the next thing you know your son is soon reaching the age of going to school..yikes..that's scarring me right now...anyway, Alhamdulillah, 2nd June 2009 Ridhwan is now 4 years old...so many things have been endured by him throughout his 4 years of life and I pray that many good things will he be experiencing in years ahead, Insya-Allah...most of all, I pray so much to Allah for him to be a healthy child and lead a seizure free life one fine day..very soon hopefully ke...amin...amin...to my beatiful and wonderful son, I love you so much, there is not a day I ever regretted deciding to be a mother to a son like you, a wonderful boy and a joyous person as you are....Mama doa yang Allah sentiasa lindungi Ridhwan and semoga Ridhwan jadi anak yang soleh yang sihat dan berjaya di masa hadapan..lets show the world what a great man you'll be kay! ;)

Mama Ridhwan cutting the cake cause Ridhwan was crying away before that..

Oh, more pics to come soon..malas nak upload banyak2x malam nie...hubby just came back from overseas...bonding time for me, hubby and Ridhwan...heheehee... ;)