I hope I'm strong enough..again...

Today was a normal day for me..the usual routine..wake up, ridhwan wakes up together....calls out "mama"...mintak "NYANYI!!!"...fine, switch on the cd player....gave him milk...gave him a bath....played with him...gave him his lunch...gave him milk again..force him to sleep!! ..cause his cousins were here..and as usual...since he asks about them everyday, every hour, every minute, I decided to let him see them before their weekly piano lessons next door to my mom's house...but again, one of the twins will be screaming away excitedly and ridhwan would cry....you see, he's not use to loud noise or sounds...wait, correction...he laughs when he hears the thunder!! ...let me rephrase...he's not use to hear people screaming or talking to loudly...I guess he feels that they might be angry with him but in actual fact, some people just talks loudly and you know kids, they talk and play loudly!!..hehee...so after pacifying him after a few minutes, I decide...that's it..time to sleep my dear...and he did...slept soundly after I placed him in his bed....the best sight this mother enjoy everyday IS to see her child sleeping soundly in his bed...such bliss....awww....

Then, the twins came back...I played with them for awhile and thought, better check up on my son now..wondering if he's still asleep....and there I saw it.....yes, the dreaded jerks and flop of the head!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ...ya Allah..when I saw the signs of mild..very mild fits/epilepsy...but still its a fits..I just couldn't help myself crying and quickly rush to the cupboard to grab hold on the rectal tube fits medication or commonly known in the hospital as Diazepam...ever since he was placed in the ICU in SJMC at 4 days old nearly 3 years ago, I have been carrying this diazepam in my handbag without fail...always fearing if ever he has fits when we are on the move or just out on a stroll, the diazepam is just an inch away from my hand to be placed directly into his rectum..sigh...



But...I made sure if was real fits...denial is so easy isn't it...when you really don't want something..you just wish it away or hope it'll go away..and so it took me a few minutes to really see or accept...it was a fit!...or a few fits...so then I quickly carried him and into my arms, calling out his name several times, hoping he'd be aware of his suroundings again..and he did...but yawned exhaustedly too....and went back to sleep....my darling...sian Ridhwan...

I just cried even more while carrying him in my arms...you see, its been nearly 2 years now that he was fits free...ever since he had pneumonia in 2006 and the doctor decided to make him use the PEG-tube, he was fits free..also it was also because he probably got the right fits medication that worked for him..and so for nearly 2 years...my life was sort of stable again...but most of all, stress free from worrying about the constant every 2 weeks or once a month visit to his neurologists in SJMC..but then it came again...it came back!

In May he had it again..the flops came..then...again, i was in denial..refuse to accept that he was having fits but being a mom, you get worried very easily when something just doesn't seem right about your child..and true enough, when we met up with his paed cum neurologists...and after some blood test and the awful EEG that made Ridhwan cried like mad..was probably even fitting during it! ...the paed@neurologist clarified Ridhwan as having fits again....nooooo.....

And so came the once dreaded episode of testing which dosage was suitable for ridhwan...the current Topamax (fits medication) was increased..and to make me feel even worse again...she added another fits medication called Clobazam...I know its for his sake too..but I guess it got to me real bad as the plan was to slowly tail down the medications in July and take it off once and for all...but then you know, just like his name...Ridhwan...redha...yes, kita kena redha dengan semua ketentuan Allah....I finally see, why I had chosen his name to be Ridhwan...it made me realise in everything I do or happens I must redha pada Allah...and I am...but being a normal human being and only want the best for her child....one can't help being worried and thinking..this is something I really don't want to go through again....but I must redha...

I've been through worse situations right....so I hope I'm strong enough...or actually I am stronger...right now, I just doa to Allah a lot that Ridhwan will eventually be fits free and have no fits attack at all....insya-Allah...amin...perkenankanlah doa ku ini Ya Allah..hambamu serahkan segala-galanya pada Mu....

Gisele Jaquenod...

May Yee...I saw your updated blog and couldn't help loving the blog design!! So I had a look at the designer's website and fell in love with her designs immediately! So I change my blog design also...like you! We like the same type of designs ya...sweet and nice...like you also! Hehee....

Sidetracked....

Sigh...I think I've been sidetracked too long...what am I doing? Why am I continuing being like this...have I not learned from the past..have I not learn anything at all? ....Sigh...Hmm..sighing is not going to make it better too!

I've sidetracked long enough...priorities are important....duties is utmost importance too....why should I continue being that way, when I should be in another way...following another path....or actually my path have already been placed before me...

Too long I've allowed myself in denial...sidetracked myself so easily when the real truth is right in front of me to embark and embrace!

Enough sidetracked! Determine your priorities, your wants and your needs...stop feeling sorry for yourself and chin up once and for all!

No more sidetracking for me...no more being sidetracked with all the luxuries of the world, the lure of the technology world, the unnecessary needs that does not really matter...

No!!...no more sidetracks for me!!...once and for all I shall stand tall and even taller than before...yes, no more sidetracks...no more...no more...

Begone sidetrack!!!

Beading galore...

Recently I have taken interest on a new hobby called beading...I was always fascinated with bracelets...even dear hubby bought a few bracelets for me long time ago made out of chip gemstones and glass beads. Ever since then I've always like buying bracelets such as those. However, recently a dear friend, Belinda introduced me to her passion of beading and I have even bought a few from her and was lucky enough to get one free on my birthday! Thanks Belin!

Ever since that, my interest and curiosity on beading build up like mad! Being a mother who gives her fulltime to her son's need limits her time to go out and shop around for bead shops...and to her sadness too...some of the bead shops that Belin mentions does not open on Sunday..which is the one full day that I could drag my hubby to drive me around...out of Shah Alam!

So, lucky me, recently as I was aimlessly surfing on the internet, I came across a beading shop website that sells beads ..and it is based in Malaysia! And even better was based in KL! Being an ardent fan of online shopping these days..thanks to my scrapbooking hobby these days...I decided to check out the website and try to buy some beads to see how fast they deliver...well, it was fast! And there starts another hobby! Woohoo!!

Actually, the interest started a few years back when I went back to Ipoh, my hubby's hometown where my sis-in law and I came across a beading shop..but at that time, all I could think of was doing wooden beads and I was still doing my masters..and so the hobby was actually left in the cupboard to catch dust! Hahaha...

Well, so much for that, now I can finally start doing it more with tools that dear hubby has so kindly acquired even without asking...and he even bought a 'tool box' which again, I never asked him to buy for me! Saaayang abang!!...to start on my new hobby which for now is more for self-satisfaction and pleasure...but then again, who knows, could I try it out as a business??...hmm, we'll see ;o)

My first bracelet..using new and old beads...some cheap ones...some swarovski

In a little pouch where I keep all my bracelets

The 'tool box' hubby bought especially for me!!

Some of my collections...glass beads, swarovski and wooden beads...

Another angle of the 'tool box'

Hobbies?

Ever since I've finished my masters and have more time to myself, and of course Ridhwan, I've been slowly going back to what I love most...arts and crafts....yup, this once computer engineer is boldly going to another area of interest that has been put aside for quite some time now..

Actually, the passion and interest of arts and crafts was started way back in school days...yup, way back in primary! Most of the crafts I did was for self use, boxes to put things, pencil cases and so forth...it was just one of the things that I really enjoyed doing...my so-called creative side...but as the years past by..and especially since I was in the science stream the time was not really spend on it...and also probably was more worried about SPM! But, the passion never died..still bought arts and crafts books and took the time to try some projects for friends such as cards...even went to art shop at Central market KL..wonder if it still exist..maybe...but once again...it just stopped there....

When I was in Uni, the time for crafts was even scarce ..as undergraduate time as they say is the hardest and most challenging time for a student..and of course it was the time to just hang out with good friends after classes and well just enjoying your uni life while you can!!..sheesh, one wonders when do i study then ya? hahahaa....then, the working phase came in...even no time at all to do any crafts projects!!..and I was itching and missing it badly but still my weekends was spend more with my parents and also recuperating after a tiresome and sometimes stressful work week.... After that, came the marriage phase! Crafts time? Oh no, hubby time! Heeheee...yup, even no time at all for such hobbies as it was the time that I really went out a lot as newlyweds and enjoying time with each other after a long week at work, miss those movie dates!....then, of course Ridhwan came along..that was the time where hobbies was a word that has never before been heard!! Also I was busy with my masters which didn't give me a chance to do anything else..my creativity at that time was more on paper works and programmings....not much art creativity there pun! Hahhaa...

So now...when time is more or less quite stable..not to say I have more time to myself ...but there are 'some' time to squeeze..I am slowly picking up the hobbies that I used to like and slowly wanting to venture into such as the 'into' sewing thing....scrapbooking, going cracy buying my stocks online!!...and the latest craze....for me that is.....beading! So, you'll be seeing me posting some of my hobbies here...no much of a pro yet, still an amateur but with passion!...and of course Ridhwan's progress....these are some of the latest things this mama of a very special boy spends her time, mostly at night... in addition to provide the best for his son, which is still her very first priority always....