Terlalu istimewa....

As usual I should be doing my work but instead i'm blogging away in my blog..but i just had too...I'm listening to Adibah's Noor song "Terlalu Istimewa" ..and it brought me a tear....ever since I bought her CD at Ms. Read :D, I couldn't help falling in love with this song..initially I fell in love with the melody..then when I slowly listened to the lyrics..I actually started crying and just thought about Ridhwan's journey all this while....the lyrics is soo menyayat hati...I couldn't help crying when i realise the lyrics was about a child who has pulang ke rahmatullah.....I remembered listening to the lyrics carefully in the car when we were on the way back to KL from Ipoh during Raya Haji recently..there I was crying away in the back seat and my hubby was worried already...sian abang, sayang okay...cuma sebak dengar lyrics tu....Luckily Ridhwan was sound asleep or he'd thought his mama was nuts or something crying away for no reason....

Then, just recently on Monday when Ridhwan had his first MRI, I saw the video clip of this lovely song sung by Adibah Noor and my mom told me that the song was dedicated to the girl who was raped in Johor recently....I felt sebak...real sebak..then I looked at my son and felt i could just cry...not that the girl had anything to do with Ridhwan but the song title said it all....my baby is 'Terlalu Istimewa' .....

The lyrics is sad and yet there is strength in it....everytime I hear the lyrics here I couldn't help smilling and yet feel a sad feeling inside because thinking about the child..and how the child's parent would have wanted to see him/her to grow up...

Ku pasti kau berbahagia
Duduk di sampingNYA
Mendengar cerita
Segala rahsia
Tak tertanggung rindu
Mendengar suaramu
Tawa mengusik jiwa

It is this song that made me realise that Ridhwan's journey is still a long way ahead of us....also this song made me realise no matter what happens, I must never ever take my child for granted and appreciate everyday of my life that he is here with us...safe and sound waking up with a smile seeing me coming to his cot....

When we took Ridhwan for his MRI, I couldn't help saying to myself that I hated being here in the South Tower of SJMC as this was where Ridhwan was brought ...to the emergency room and then to the ICU..I vowed and told myself that I shall never ever let Ridhwan enter the ICU or ER ...never....nauzubillah...

So...when we were heading to the MRI room and passed the ER...I couldn't help but controlling back my tears as I saw the ER and the room where I waited for the news about Ridhwan when he was only 4 days old...oh Ridhwan...mama hated that place..and to this day...it still haunts me...but being a strong mama I held my tears and waited for Ijan to register Ridhwan and head to the MRI room.....though I thought doing the MRI was going to be okay..it was actually...but seeing my only 9 month old baby having to go into the MRI machine...I just couldn't help wanting to cry...and I could see even Ridhwan's grandma was holding back her tears and looked worried....a mother's worry...a grandma's worry.....I was wearing tudung and had metals on me...scarf pin....so I couldn't wait with Ridhwan and waited outside...the MRI was about 30-45 minutes and ya Allah, there was so many sounds coming out of the machine...Alhamdulillah Ridhwan did not wake up during the scanning and was so sound asleep..also his ayah was with him....

The MRI turned out okay...though it was obvious his brain is not growing as a normal baby would...the upper part of the brain or head was small..and I could see it...and yet, the report said everything was normal, only that the paed said it was not..and blah...blah..ntahlah, sometimes I just don't know who to listen anymore....

But one thing I know...my baby is special...not because of his condition but for being the special boy he is....my Ridhwan has gone through so much at such a young age...4 days old..and how much he has strive till now....Ridhwan, anak mama, you are a true fighter ! And for that Ridhwan, mama will never give up....mama will fight for you and make sure you lead a normal life as much as you can...you WILL go to a normal school, walk, talk, jump and most of all...You're gonna get a degree Ridhwan! Mama promise you that....I love you Ridhwan....and as I told you many times at the ICU, La Takhof, La Takhzan, Innallah ha ma'ana....yes Ridhwan, Allah will always be with us....

12 June 2005 - ICU, SJMC

My happy family - 18th March 2006

Lazy = Malas

I am sooooo malas lately..dah lah our phone line was down due to the really bad thunderstorm..god, that was really scarry...there i was sleeping with ridhwan on our bed and then suddenly thunder and lightning was heard...umm, thunder heard, lightning was seen...hehee..yes, yes...anyway, my darling angel was beside me sleeping like a log and the mama was terkejut2x pulak sebelah baby hensem...hmmm, my baby is definitely macho! or his mama is a thunder freak..hehee..actually i am..i remember i was so terkejut when i heard a really loud thunder once and i was so shocked to hear it that i started crying and ran to my parents room..hehe..penakut lah pulak....that time i was really small kay, i do no such thing nowdays...hehe...hubby kan ada ;o)

Well, thunder isn't my biggest problem right now....laziness is! I am so lazy lately..lazy to do my homeworks actually...mana taknya, ever since there is no streamyx, i got bored to death so i spend my time playing with ridhwan day and night and also ASTRO! then, my aunt had to give me the LOST DVDs...season 1 and 2! and boy, am i so hooked to it now...bestnya citer tu! thought of watching it tonite...hehe..ada hati tu...but since hubby is asleepu pulak...naaah, maybe tomorrow nite....so there i was happily watching LOST DVDs one by one...dah lah no internet to surf for facts...and there's a great DVD lak in hand...hohumm..

Right...to make things worst for myself I have two journals to write which needs 8 thousand words each...giler punyer lecturer...one assignment due this saturday..satu hapak tak start and also project(s)...ada 3 rasanya...what am i doing nie??!!! and yet i feel so lazy to do any of it...okay fine, i have searched for info for both the journals but to actually start writting it I am so malas..bila fikir balik, 8000 patah perkataan..rasa macam nak muntah aje..dah lah 1st journal was 10,000 words...so fine, this is less...but still 2 journals!!

Sigh...so this is doing masters with a baby is all about...really challenging..they say since you have a child you should be more motivated to do well in your masters...ya rite, the person who told me this is 1st, not married yet, and 2nd, does not have a child yet..okay, okay, i have nothing against her...its just that life as a mother and doing masters is so much different from what I expected...especially if you have a child who has microcephaly and cerebral palsy..you can't help having that guilt of wanting to spend more time to play with him than study hard for your exams and do your assignments on time...but....with that in mind, you need to remind yourself..or myself in that sense, that the first reason you even took up masters was for the future of your childrens...you wanted the time flexibility and yet the income coming in....hehee...so you are actually doing or sacrificing this for him...my darling baby...and his other siblings...Insya-Allh

So, I guess at times when you feel like giving up...and you feel the dark clouds keep pushing you further and further into the dark valley...you need to shine that beautifully sunny side of you and see the silver lining in the clouds..or between the clouds...whatever...hehee...yup, everything happens for a reason and i need to remind myself that....Allah probably knows that I am strong and capable, and all these dugaan is to make me a better person and wife and mother and especially muslimah..to one day shine my beautiful rainbow to others out there..hmmm, that wans't so hard to snap me back to reality yea...hehee....well then people, have a nice, bright and colourful rainbow day! may all the beautiful colours of life reminds you what a wonderful life you are having and no matter how the dark or black clouds come blocking your way, you'll always have the colours of life to look forward to....that's what life is all about...full of colours....



Hehee...teringat cartoon kegemaran masa kecik2x dulu...such a colourful cartoon character...gosh, those were the innocent years yea...how time flies....

My baby is 9 months old today!

Happy Birthday Ridhwan! Happy Birthday anak mama! Hehee..no, Ridhwan is not yet 1 years old ...he is 9 months old! Yippe for my baby boy..last time I added in what are the developmental milestone for babies his age..I think I'm giving up on that..It'll only make me feel even worse...and as usual feeling like leaving my masters for good....sigh.. Ridhwan is 9 months old and still a bit delayed...sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed wondering if Ridhwan can speed up his developmental milestone and be able to be at par with his other friends the same age as he is..I know they say never compare other children with yours...true..that is very true if your child has no conditions or anything...never, ever compare as he will develop at his own time and rate..but when you have a special child like mine...you can't help wondering and worry should he be reaching his milestones soon..or later.....this makes me feel even worse as I know, to speed up his development would then be stimulation, stimulation and stimulation..and when I think of that word, it makes me want to strangle ridhwan's paed at times...and yet what she says is very much true.... Ridhwan's paed has always mentioned that Ridhwan needs intensive stimulation but I can't help myself sometimes feeling that I can't seem to do enough....and that makes me sad at times..and pretty vulnerable to depression too...oh no! But, at times like this is when you need support from family and friends to remind yourself that you are doing fine and you need to remind yourself always that he needs you the most too now!...he needs you to be there for him...you are his answer...not his problem...that statement I got from Glen Doman book..which I have yet to finish reading...hmm...another thing to worry or feel bad too... I guess it all bottles down to discipline and knowing what you want for your child..and also priorities...I can't help admiring this couple and especially this father who has worked so hard to ensure that his twins, or one of them conquered the dreaded micorcephaly condition and now his child is a beautiful2 year old..or was it 3 year old..anyway, they are good looking boys and turned out very smart too...no microcephaly condition observed at all! And doing just fine... That makes me sad again...god, I'm such a sad person...it makes me feel bad that I feel that I am not doing enough for my baby Ridhwan....if i had a choice I do want to quit my masters and concentrate only on Ridhwan...and yet, it feels it's such a waste to throw away the oppurtunity and not mentioning money, to finish my masters....but worries is something a mother with special babies like I do ..feel....a feeling of, am I doing enough for him...am I feeding him enough....am I exercising enough...I guess these are questions that a cerebral palsy mother feels...series of questions of how much are you doing for your child...and yet you know that sometimes times just pass you by too fast that you can't grasp it that much....you sometimes wish time would stop...just for awhile....even just for a few seconds... All I can say, may Allah help me to overcome these obstacles and give me strentgh and hope to see the light and future for my darling baby boy...at times when I feel down right now, a shoulder to lean on or a pat on the back would help a lot....a hug too would help...but as a muslim, i must never forget that Allah is always there for me..and He is ;o) All I need to do now is to make sure I manage my time carefully and at the end of the day achieve my goals and definitely Ridhwan's goals for the day, the week and the months...and the years......Ya Allah, berilah kekuatan kepada hambaMu ini di dalam masa kesusahan...hambaMu ini redha dengan segala pemberian Mu..semoga segala amal ibadah ku di berkati and diredhai Mu ya Allah....amin...

I love you Ridhwan...mama will do all my best for you kay, Insya-Allah....like the Nike advert says: "Just Do It!"