Mamapinkie Corner

Ashraf's birth...

2011-03-27T07:46:00.009+08:00

Now days time flies too fast that the next thing I know is that Ashraf my youngest...wait, WOW! I have a youngest and eldest in my vocab for my children!! woohooo!! Heehee, sori but I still can't believe Allah has blessed me with two beautiful children...I did want to add more children in my wonderful family as it is, but still can't believe I now can say if people were to ask "Anak berapa?...Oh,dua!" :D ..heeeheee...alhamdulillah, alhamdulilllah, alhamdulillah...tak terkata betapa bersyukur sangat2x padaMu ya Allah...anyway, Ashraf my 'youngest', heheee, is already 5 months old!! Gosh, it feels just like yesterday I did the pregnancy test and discovered that I was positively pregnant!!

However, during Ashraf's pregnancy, it was a very eventful pregnancy, eventful indeed, not only for me but also for ridhwan..it was a life changing situation as it was the start of Ridhwan realising that his mama has changed physically and slowly not being able to hold him anymore....which was really sad cause it did affect him initially..and then there was the one time scare that nearly drove me insane...yes, you read correctly, insane...why...well, maybe not all gynae or hospitals does this routine check during pregnancy, but my gynae or sjmc it seems, does this triple screen test at about in the month of, ummm, can't remember when but after the first trimester I think, to check should your child in the womb have the probability of being...down syndrome....hmmm...not a nice test ya..and so, well I did do this test with ridhwan last time and of course alhamdulillah okay lah kan...and when I did with Ashraf....a few days later after the test, the clinic called and said,"Puan, don't be alarmed yea, but according to the triple screen test the probability of the child in the womb has down sydrome is 1 to 130...and so dr. wants to see you to discuss about it..." I was like what???!!!! ...my heart totally broke at that time, pecah jatuh, berserpihan...god knows, how I felt at that time....yes, I didn't tell this in my blog as I was worried, and didn't feel like sharing it here until now ....I remembered how I broke down to all my girlfriends, calling them one by one, crying away and sobbing away, thinking of the baby's fate and all...and it didn't help that my gynae was giving me all the worse case scenario of having a down syndrome child...sigh...but then alhamdulillah, support and strength from parents and my girlfriends, you gals know who you are ;) ...i started getting a grip on reality and thought, wait a minute, Reenaz wake up girl!! I already DO have a special needs child and look how far has he achieved, see how well he is doing, and see what I know and have done to ensure he has progressed this far...and so I thought to myself, I can do this, regardless whatever is the outcome, the baby is still mine and I will love the baby wholeheartedly no matter what!!....so initially my gynae asked me to do the amniocentesis...the part where they poke a needle into your tummy and get amniotic fluid to further confirm if your child is down syndrome or not or other case pulak ke...but I said "NO!!" ...I will not take that risk of hurting my child pulak in the event of doing that, its not as if , if I knew the child is down I'm going to abort the baby...yes, my friends, only then I knew at that time that some people do this amniocentesis thing to determine if the baby is really down or any other syndrome to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or abort it...what??!!! gilo ke apa? dah allah kasi anugerah yang paling indah and you senang2x nak abort it by doing this amniocentesis, cause, oh u found out it might not be a normal child, so why keep it....yes people, some people view it that way and have done that...very sad indeed to know that many, yes, i say here, MANY after finding out that the child in the womb is not normal by amniocentesis they decide to abort it....I feel very very sad a mother should want to decide that...maybe to some, they say, why keep it cause it'll be hard on the family or even the child..but have they ever thought that god is giving them a blessing already, regardless how the child may end up physically or mentally in future, many people are trying so hard to be pregnant and yet some with just one poke of a needle(amniocentesis) they decide the fate of the child in the womb even before seeing the baby, that it has to go just because it may not be normal...I'm sorry but I so don't agree with that, but as some people say it is other peoples right on what they feel is best , and that is their right lah kan...but to me, I feel sad at the thought that some mothers would even think of it, just imagine if the child should know that even before he/she comes out you don't want it anymore, sad isn't it...cause Allah is great, who knows what those test results means too, for all you know, it may even be wrong! cause at the end of the day, Allah will decide should the child be normal or special, but at the same time the child is still another living human being inside you...anyway, when my gynae suggested amniocentesis I was upset to even think that this test is supposedly to let me decide the fate of my child, no, I can't do that, its against my belief and stand, regardless if the child will turn out not 'normal'...and thanks to my friends who knew me better, they all knew and told me whatever the outcome is with the test results and during delivery they know I will keep my baby and love it just as much as I am loving Ridhwan...and they are right, I always felt that regardless what the test results were....though, as much as i accepted that "probability", I must admit deep down in my heart, I did worry, I was worried for my baby's sake and that did affect me very much...you see, once you have a special needs child, the fear is there, the fear that plays in your mind and heart that asks these questions, will he be normal? will he be able to lead a normal life? will this pregnancy be fine this time? ....its only human I guess that as a mother you can't help asking these questions to yourself in the next pregnancy when you already have one special needs child...

but again, Allah is great, I am so lucky and thankful to meet so many inspiring people and nice and wonderful people ever since Ridhwan came into our life as when I got this alarming news the next thing I did was to discuss about it with Ridhwan's paed, Dr Sofiah...it was her words of wisdom and encouragament that gaved me hope and realise that as much as I accepted the situation, all is really in the hands of Allah and then there is that great thing we have...doa....doa...and doa....and with that in mind, well since it is just a probability anyway, I prayed real hard that the test was just a 'probability' and that my baby will be a normal healthy baby but should it be special, I will love it with all my heart regardless.....so, thank you Dr. Sofiah, that day when I met you with my husband to talk about this really gaved me strength and hope to go through my pregnancy without worrying and driving myself nuts...talking to you really made a difference and made me face the days ahead with much strength..thank you so much dr!!....Dr Sofiah was right in saying that anything can happen even in the womb, the baby still have a lot more months to go and also tests are sometimes not accurate and no matter how canggih our technology is to detect abnormalities and what not, Allah is the one who decides everything...and to Allah should our doa and hope be turned to...wallahualam...

Anyway, that was the one real scare I had during Ashraf's time lah kan...then there was the time or actually 2 times Ridhwan was warded...gosh, banyaknya dugaan our family during that time....but it was at that time too, in the midst of all these, Ridhwan attended WQ Park which is another blessing as it has given Ridhwan so much hope and progress that I am very happy to have placed and made sure Ridhwan was accepted into the EIP....thank you Dr. Sofiah and Dr. Taayah for accepting Ridhwan despite his disability in the form of not being able to walk yet, at that time that is...I know it must have been hard for the teachers and therapist initially to handle ridhwan but well, look at Ridhwan now right? :D heheee...thank you teachers and therapists, you guys are the best!! ...but the part when he waswarded into the hospital for seizures...twice!! really stressed me up....what an experience it was, the first time warded I did stay together with ridhwan but with the help of my hubby of course as I was already 6 months pregnant at that time...but the 2nd time I just couldn't do it., with a sad heart I had to stay home and rest as I was already in my 3rd trimester and getting heavier and easily exhausted..and it was during ramadhan pulak tu...gosh...I don't think I'll ever forget spending my ramadhan and most of all breaking our fast in the ward nearly one week!! without fail my mom and dad would come before azan maghrib with the food and we'd all gather around the small coffee table to hear the azan from the tv to break fast....if i were an outsider, I would think it would be such a heart wrenching view to see a family having to break fast in a ward at a time when it should be done in the comfort of the home kan...but Allah is great, Allah have gave each and everyone one of us much strength to endure the moment, especially Ridhwan who was the one who was going through a real hard time...sian my darling son....but it was a time that I will never forget and also am really, really grateful for having such wonderful parents whom without fail came to break fast in the hospital with us and to be with their grandson....my tears are running down while typing this thinking of their sacrifice for us all this while....thank you mama and ayah...Allah sahaja yang dapat balas segala yang mama and ayah have done for us...may Allah panjangkan umur, murahkan rezeki and berikan kesihatan yang baik pada mama and ayah...amin...amin....

Well, enough sad stories....cause with all that has happen Alhamdulillah I have delivered a beautiful healthy normal baby boy on the 15th of October 2010 at 12.44 am on a Friday morning...what was suppose to be a normal deliver suddenly turned caesar...yes, sad to say...but as they say, what matters is that baby is fine kan...and so I am officially then, a mother of TWO!! Two boys lagi! Heeheee...since I had to do an emergency caesar, I must say it was a scarry first experience but alhamdulillah again, seeing my gynae and especially seeing Dr Sofiah was there in the operating room, reaally, reaallly made me calmer...everything went so fast after they decided they had to do an emergency caesar on me coz of high blood pressure and baby refused to come down after even 12 hours of induction, that I didn't even have to time to talk to my hubby how I am feeling, that the next thing I know I am being wheeled into the OT already!!....but when I saw Dr Sofiah, I really felt...legaaa...yes, that's the best word to describe it...heheee...and thank you again Dr Sofiah cause it seems you called Dr. Taayah in the middle of that night to ask her to pray for my safe delivery rupanya yea...heheee....I am soooo touched...thank you Dr!!! Terharu when I heard that, when Dr Taayah told my dad....And for that, I am so blessed and grateful to meet such wonderful people like you Dr Sofiah and Dr Taayah, you both are truly inspiring, kind hearted and dedicated people in your work...never have I met such passionate people who are doing their best in their work and for the benefit of the many special needs children out there...may Allah bless both of you always...amin..amin...

Well, that's about a summary or should I say a looong summary of what happened during my pregnancy with Ashraf....my dear Ashraf....not once have I regretted the 'sudden' pregnancy I had with you...it wasn't really a planned one, I must say, but it has always been hoped...and my dear Ashraf you are a true blessing and joy to all of us now and mama loves you with all my heart....may you always be a soleh son and hopefully be a good brother and best friend to your wonderful big brother Ridhwan.....Insya-Allah...

My darling baby on his first day in our world...

Safe and sound at home in his cot...

Abang Ridhwan looking at his baby brother, such a good abang he is...

Special pose from Ashraf!

My baby boy...and other stories to tell...

2011-03-13T08:47:00.004+08:00

Gosh, how time flies so fast and I have been soooooo lazy to update, even surfing other blogs or updating facebook or even checking mails is something I rarely do these days..yes, one child you can still do other things but when you have two! Oh, no joke man, it so happen I woke up quite early today and felt 'rajin' that I decided to update my blog which I've left for months already...Now that I have Ridhwan AND Ashraf, I slowly notice that I have less free time for myself..especially in the mornings....I think also maybe cause I am not working that my time is taken taking care of them and most of all ENTERTAINING them! hahhaaa..oh well, that's the joy of being a mother ya ;) No one can beat this job!

Anyway, my darling baby boy Muhammad Ashraf is 5 months already! Gosh, time does fly really fast these days...and as it is I am cracking my head again what games I should start with Ashraf as I did with Ridhwan during his Shichida days. Even Dr. Sofiah also told me to apply what I have learned before in Shichida to Ashraf. Insya-Allah ya Ashraf, mama do the games and activities that I learned before and umm..try to recall what they were too!! The mind has been a bit blur lah these days..maybe cause its more of do, do and do activity with me without much thinking....

Well, enough said, I plan..yes plan...plan to update a lot in the next few...days? weeks? months? god knows when i'll next update but as requested by some of my friends, I will try to update about Ridhwan and Ashraf...and maybe about me too...hehee...but so far, It'll be about Ridhwan's progress in WQ Park, alhamdulillah he is doing well...then there was the one time show of Wanita Hari Ini in WQ Park! ;) ridhwan was the star in it! wohooo! ....oh of course Ashraf's birth....and then there is my craze with korean dramas and songs lak lately...sigh, heehee...and so forth updates of our life....so will try my best to update ya ;) For now, I'll post some pics of ashraf and ridhwan here....see ya all again soon!

My darling baby boy Ashraf...mmmuaacckkss!!

My number one hero, Ridhwan dear...mmmuaackkksss too!!

Delivered yet? Nope...heheee

2010-10-11T11:07:00.002+08:00

Yes I am now in my most lazy mood to update anything in this blog...hehee...anyway, have not delivered my beautiful baby yet...am nearing my due date already...if baby doesn't pop out yet then gynae says to induce which is set to be this 14th ...so if there is no news from me, you'd all know that on 14th I'll be in the hospital by then...do pray for a speedy, safe and smooth delivery for me ya my friends and may baby be a healthy, perfect and most of all soleh/solehah person...amin....

To all muslims, A Happy Eid to all!

2010-09-07T23:01:00.003+08:00

So many things to share but so little time..

2010-09-07T22:41:00.003+08:00

Yes, I've promised to update on a lot of things ya but so many things have happened and are happening at the same time that I don't know which stories to tell...hehee...

Anyway, was suppose to tell about Ridhwan's seizures episode and he was warded in July right...well, so much for that update, he was warded again before 'Merdeka' due to pneumonia, but Alhamdulillah we only stayed until Merdeka day, though this time my health was not at its best as since I was taking care of Ridhwan with his cough and sneezing, not knowing it was pneumonia, but mother's instinct felt it might be...anyway, I contracted the flu too! Gosh, once again I was sick again...how depressing it was for me..this has been a very hard pregnancy for me..in terms of dugaan and health wise lah...but met the gynae got some medications, eventhough I really didn't want any but thinking Ridhwan has pneumonia, what do I have then?? Fear of that led me to think, better take some than nothing at all for the sake of me and baby.... So i took some with a sad heart but now feelin much better....so because of my health, first time in my life I did not sleep in the ward with Ridhwan!! Huwaaaa! That depressed me too because never have I not been with him when he is in pain or sick.. But hubby stayed for all those 6 nights in the ward and that I saw what a truly lucky wife I am to have married such a loving and dedicated husband cum father...and his perseverance and patience has made me love him even more...I am truly blessed....Alhamdulillah....so, now Alhamdulillah we are back home safe and sound...preparing and waiting for Raya...my Ramadhan? sad to say, many ibadahs were put on hold due to the trips to hospitals and my health...sob...sob...but all I can do is pray hard that even small or not much ibadah that have been done during this Ramadhan is accepted and blessed by Allah...amin...Insya-Allah...

Ridhwan's birthday in June? Nantilah update yea..that would take one post to tell! ;) Heheee...in short, Ridhwan had fun, the kids had fun, the teachers had headaches to stop them from playing the toys in their goody bags, my fault also! Hahaahaa..but it was a really nice small party that I've always wanted for my dear son....

Happy 7th Anniversary to me and hubby! Yes, alhamdulillah, it is our 7th anniversary already....gosh how time flies so fast yea...in 3 years time, masuk 10!! Wow! I am so blessed to have married a wonderful man...such patience...such love and care is seen in him with each passing day...May Allah give berkah and rahmah to our marriage today and tomorrow and years to come, Insya-Allah...I love you abang!! May we both be soleh and solehah husband and wife and be strong as one in whatever we shall face in future and at present...amin...

Next, would be my....delivery???!! I am now counting weeks...can't believe it I am now in my 8th month..ending of 8th month lagi..baby alhamdulillah has been growing fine...fear...yes, as many blogs I have read, once you had a special needs child, the fear is there for the 2nd one or future...but I have faith in Allah and I believe at the end of the day, Allah knows best what to give us isn't it...so may Allah give me a sihat, sempurna and soleh baby..amin ....amin...and thank you Allah so much for giving me a 2nd chance to be able to be a mother to another child...my darling 2nd one is really a rezeki from Allah that I can never thank enough...do pray for a safe and quick delivery for me ya....will tell when 2nd one is here....

Well, that's about it for now....many things to tell but time is constraint now....for all muslims out there, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and Maaf Zahir dan Batin! Have a safe journey to wherever you're going before, during and after raya, have a nice raya too, enjoy the food, hehee..I will...and especially the company of your family and friends...we never know when a family may leave us forever, so take this time to seek forgiveness from them and enjoy their presence right now....take care everyone! Ikhlas from me, hubby and Ridhwan!! Salam Aidilfitri to all!!

Overdue updates...update #1

2010-08-18T11:09:00.006+08:00

Yello! Eh I mean, Hello! Hehee...yup, am actually blogging again...should be doing other things like sorting out baby stuff but thought, of well, might as well update again since I promised I will...or not god knows when I'll update again..after I deliver?? Hahaha...

1st update would be - Ridhwan's school! Yes, alhamdulillah Ridhwan has finally entered into a school cum kindergarten now. Its been nearly 3 months now, we started him mid May and tomorrow would be his 1st re-assesment with our neuro paed, teachers and therapists to see how far has he progressed and what would be the next step.

Ridhwan in his very first class...its circle time..one of his favourite activity...now they have moreee chidlren..moreee headache also..heehe...ganbatte ya teachers and therapists! ;)

Another picture....Ridhwan on Aini, his long time speech therapists..I like the classrooms, very colourful!

Physically I would say he is getting better. As it is he now has a new AFO called a dynamic AFO. AFO is a special splint or shoe made out of special plastic polypro..pene..something lah, sorrylah forgot all my chemistry already...haha..anyway, its this special plastic that you mould and shape according to the patients feet so the patient can walk or stand better. In Ridhwan's case it is to ensure that his left feet is placed down properly instead of being in a ballerina gait as our dear Sarjit, physiotherapist would call it. Or easier said, so he won't tip toe when he walks. If not for the left feet always wanting to tip toe when he stands, he would be walking quite well right now, I should think. Cause for the right foot, it was just like a miracle it suddenly straighten itself and was placed nicely flat when he stood up. Oh how I remember the tears of joy coming down my cheeks when out of the blue his feet did that. But, before that, it was a lot and a lot and a lot of massages done on both foot. Sooo, I'm still hoping for that 2nd miracle on his left foot, where one day it too will placed nicely flat on the floor when he walks one day...amin...Insya-Allah...but for now, we'll use the dynamic AFO and hopefully that will help him reach that goal...Insya-Allah...

Ever since he joined the EIP, he has been made to walk so much more compared to at home...yes, sad to say, this mother who became pregnant has reached a stage where her energy and enthusiasm went down the drain and was too tired to do exercises and massages on Ridhwan in her 1st trimester and god knows, how it affected me and Ridhwan emotionally...but Allah is great, He has granted my prayers and Ridhwan got a place in the EIP at WQ Park and now in the morning for 5 times a week he is doing lots of walking exercises. He now enjoys walking, always saying "Mama...nak walk!"...and on top of that, when I hold his hand to help him walk and it is sooo much easier as he is putting weight on himself and not depending on us to pull him and hold his weight...alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah...but the goal to walking is still far ahead...but soon Insya-Allah...I have faith in that...we all have to actually....I realise or actually know this but need to remind this to myself again and again...that with a special needs child we so need to repeat..repeat...and repeat what we do...I now can understand why Glenn Doman in his book says do 50 times a day, and when I read that last time, I said to myself "Are u nuts??"..but the truth is, he's right! If a normal child needs maybe 10 times to actually learn ABC...a special needs child may actually need 100 times to actually register ABC in his/her brain...so I do believe and have seen for myself that special needs children DO need repetition on a daily basis...then again, we are all only human, as much as I am not working and now heavily pregnant, there are times the lazy bug sets in and instead of doing 20 times, I'd do 10 times instead...which saddens me and frustrates me a lot at times....but on and off, I think we special needs parents need to be motivated and remind ourselves that repetition is good and essential for our children kan...may Allah gives all special needs parents out there strength, wisdom and perseverance to give our children their needed therapy and also fun and joy at the same time ;) Insya-Allah...

Okay, next progress of Ridhwan in his EIP is his social skill...Alhamdulillah, he now has better eye contact with other children his age and actually is not afraid being with them...god knows, ho many times he has cried when we went to see our friends and they have children his age and younger and he'd go into a frenzy cry whenever they scream or cry...gosh....but now, Alhamdulillah sangat2x, he is so much better...all the screaming and crying by his classmates are immuned to him...hehee...and not only that, even his neuro paed acknowledges that he is interacting more with her and wants to communicate more. Last time, Ridhwan would even refuse to look at his neuro paed but instead smile and acknowledge our neuro paed's nurses instead! Hahhaaa....So she said, she can see that changes in Ridhwan...alhamdulillah...

Intellectual wise, he is learning better....I've always known deep down in my heart, he is a smart one and he is...cause I remember reading books after books to him before I was pregnant and before we entered him into the EIP, and one fine day he actually was repeating the pictures on each pages of book! All I did was showed him the picture and he said it out loud with no pelat whatsoever and pronouncing it correctly!! And then when Aziah our OT came to our house once last time to see what is his progress so far, he confidently read aloud each picture on each page to Aziah without any prompting by me or Aziah. Yeeaaah Ridhwan! So from then, I could see Ridhwan needs lots and lots of repetition, be it reading a book, playing puzzle, flashcards and basically anything lah...to see output, I so need to do extra extra input...now I can see how Shichida really works...at times I was thinking "What in the world are these people showing my kid..the same thing again and again, week after week..." ...when actually that is the key and method to enhance the child's brain to register what they have and need to learn and remember...so for that, I sooooo need to update Ridhwan's flashcards...I've been relying lots on the ones I buy aje lately...need to do more and more and more!!! Insya-Allah...

In the area of hand function and manipulation, Ridhwan still needs a lot of help and that I feel sad I can only do so much as I find it difficult sitting in his small chair and table and bending to assist him to hold something or even pencil...but Alhamdulillah lah, they are doing that in the EIP..but as I said, truthfully, depending on EIP or regular visits to therapists at hospitals is so not enough for Ridhwan or special needs child in my humble opinion..at the end of the day, the mother, father or even grandparents do need to play a role in enforcing what has been learned in school/therapy session so the child can enforce the knowledge he learns...I now see why Glenn Doman and Nury too emphasises sangat2x on the parents role in educating their special needs children...where parents do need to back up each other and support each other in hope to achieve their goals and desires...no one parent only should do this task...I'm thankful that hubby helps as much as he can eventhough sometimes work and travelling discourages him to do as much as he wants to...but he is there for all Ridhwan's follow up check up and he is there when I ask him to do certain exercises or help me with doing flashcards and that really makes me love him even more...I always tell my friends who have special needs children to try to make their husband be a part of your child's therapy and education as much as you can, cause truthfully, why bear the burden all by yourself isn't it...and also when the father is involved together, it makes the learning experience for the child even more joyful and fulfilling as he/she sees how both his parents love him and appreciates him by doing the activity together with him..at least that is what I see in Ridhwan lah..the smile and laughter he gives out when both me and hubby performs the exercises and teaching process together...when even sometimes we'd even play different musical instruments, hubby play the guitar, I bang something like the bongo or xylophone and we'd give the maracas or castanet for him to play..and after that he'd smile and clap with such joy that you can't help feeling proud that he has reached this far, maybe not much to some, but at least I know he is happy and he knows he is very much loved by his parents..he sure is!!

So, I hope this EIP will prepare him to go to school one fine day...be able to be independent, walk soon, be able to write soon and be a good student...to all the therapists and teachers in WQ Park, thank you for accepting Ridhwan in your class especially to Dr Sofiah and Dr Taayah, without them, I don't know what I'd do or where to bring Ridhwan to learn more and become better...and thank you for being patient to teach him all that you can though I know at the end of the day, I too myself must play a very important role to enhance and enforce what he has learned in school so he will be the best he can be...Insya-Allah...

The entrance to Dr. Sofiah's clinic/room...now it doesn't look like this...they made it into play and break time area with tables and chairs to have their break cum makan time!!

Another view of the 'old' play area

Updates..updates...

2010-08-10T11:12:00.005+08:00

Assalamualaikum and Hi everyone...yes, I haven't been updating my blog in aaaages....the lazy bug has really hit me these days...i do look and read other blogs but to write in my blog is really hard...hahahaa...soooo lazy...maybe cause I'm nearing 8 months already and ever since 3rd trimester came, the lazy feeling and exhaustion feeling is really sinking in...so happen today I didn't send Ridhwan to his school and stayed home to clean baby cum guest room...well decided to blog a bit....cause god knows when I'll blog again after this...hahaha...lazy..lazy...

Anyway, from my last posting..Alhamdulillah we are sending Ridhwan to the EIP in WQ Park already. Nearly 3 months now. Alhamdulillah too he is progressing, especially socially. Its good to see him mixing around with children his age. He is still not exactly communicating with them much but at least he is at ease with having children his age around him which he was definitely not last time. The screaming and crying from them too is nothing to him anymore, unlike last time, the crying of another child will cause him to cry along...ayoooo....Besides that, he loves the hydrotherapy that they have every week, though haven't done it for some time ever since he came out from the hospital...oh yes, that's another update....Oh Ridhwan also had his 1st birthday bash with children his age at WQ Park in June! Yes, my darling is now 5 years alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for giving me and hubby 5 wonderful years with Ridhwan..despite many ups and downs and many visits and stays in the hospital but all the time spend with him has been a real blessing and a joy to me and hubby...Thank you Allah! Anyway, basically I have 3 updates to post soon, Ridhwan's school, Ridhwan's party in school and Ridhwan being warded in SDMCSJ again for seizures...which sad to say not really getting better...ya Allah, give me strength and health in taking care of my child who has epilepsy and for myself with my darling baby in tummy...amin...

Here are some pics to summarise the events...

Ridhwan's 1st day in EIP at WQ Park, Aini speech therapy and Aziah OT is helping him to stand and walk. Go Ridhwan Go!!

Ridhwan's 5th birthday cake! He loves Elmo :D

Birthday boy clapping away waiting for the teachers to set up the room for his cake cutting ceremony..he was actually clapping in delight in this picture! Heehee...

Progress...and WQ Park??

2010-05-07T15:38:00.001+08:00

Les poissons! Les Poissons! Don't ask me what this means but Ridhwan is always so thrilled whenever I play this song for him! :D This song was initially heard at Ridhwan's class in T-Mix. I quickly enjoyed the song and was moving to the beat...hehee...its a catchy children song in french. Eventhough I have no idea what it means, only that Poisson I think is a fish, I think...but Ridhwan loves it! And to see him laughing and smilling every time he hears that songs, really lights up my heart...also, it means that the songs that was played during his class last time leaves an impact in his brain and is actually remembered..and the nice fact is that, he can even sing the song with the correct melody and all with whatever lyrics that he remembers only lah, but hey, that's good enough for me as it is! In actual fact, he loves music, really loves music! He sometimes would even hum classical music that we played in the car whenever we go out, and sometimes he'd say 'eh silap!' cause he hummed the wrong tune! Hahahaa! And for that, I am so thankful to Allah, that his hearing is good, alhamdulillah...When he was younger, I remembered our paed was somewhat worried about his hearing that we did a hearing test but alhamdulillah he did okay in it, he passed it I think...well he should have I would think, as he can even hear when his father just comes from work when we are already upstairs...so his hearing alhamdulillah is good...alhamdulillah..

For that too, I guess that's why he learns faster with hearing, imitating and listening to sounds, words and all. His eye-sight is still a biiig question mark as he just hates to wear his glasses! Once on his eye, he'd throw it away like lightning! And to make him wear it again, ya Allah, Allah aje lah tahu betapa payahnya...but this little wrestling of making him wear the glasses is mostly due to his biggest problem that is sensory problem ..sigh...it is this sensory issue that is making him not wanting to wear a hat, his glasses, hold a pencil better and putting down his left foot so he may walk on his own eventually...Insya-Allah amin....but otherwise, I am still proud of this little boy and his progress despite not being able to walk yet...soon ya Ridhwan before adik comes out maybe? :D Amin...amin..Insya-Allah...may Allah perkenankan doa mama nie yea....

Music wise Ridhwan really can remember songs but as usual, whenever we 'test' him by asking him to sing the full song, he'd clam up..hmm..he just hates being tested, and for that, I too have a hard time wondering if he does know all the songs lyrics by hard or does he only know half of it...time will tell I hope, maybe one day he'd sing the whole Anuar Zain's song 'I'm the lucky one' all by himself ke kan...hahaa...ya, that is one of his favourite song! ;) Memilih gak cik abang nie....However, despite being musically inclined, this mother's heart is very much sejuk when he can actually sing dzikir, such as Sollatullah Salamullah...he loves to sing it, well not the whole dzikir of it but the main ones, which i also can only remember..hehee...and sometimes when I recite Asmaul Husna he does know the next name of Allah...and that really makes my heart smile and thankful to Allah that despite having physical disability, he remembers Allah and recites Allah's name and dzikir even when I don't prompt him...Alhamdulillah...

Though our paed always reminded us that despite he memorizes well that is not enough as he needs to be better in his comprehension, to express himself better in sentences and words which is very true..he has yet to make veeery long sentences as most normal children do...but I believe he will insya-Allah..and my last few months of worrying about Ridhwan's school has finally been sorted and Insya-Allah...last few weeks we have been making visits to a placed call WQ Park..initially we thought it was a new place that only has a hydrotherapy pool at its place, little did we know its a fully equipped rehab centre that caters not only for children but for adults too! And to make it even nicer, that place had a rehab dr and a paed too! Which then made me and hubby smiled and nearly laughed to ourselves as it is Ridhwan's own rehab doctor and neuro paed that have set up the place!! To think that our paed told us to go there and didn't mention that little fact that she is a consultant there...sabor je lah...but I understand why she did that cause she wouldn't want to mention it at the hospital as it would be conflict in work interest lah pulak..and also she said she wanted us to check the place out not because she is there but to see the place as it is and decide on our own...well, from our first impression, we were quite impressed with the layout of the building where they had different rooms for different discipline of therapies and it was really well designed and has an inviting look to it....

Anyway, my main reason of checking out the place was of course for the hydrotherapy thing as for years I have yet to find one where there is a dedicated physiotherapist that will be in the pool with Ridhwan and doing the exercises and not on my own as I have heard from some others who uses hydrotherapy pools elsewhere..so that is a plus point for me! Then, there was the EIP, yes an EIP that is being monitored and evaluated by a rehab doctor and a paed to suit your childs need, meaning doing speech therapy, occupational therapy and physiotherapy all in one place and including that, Ridhwan gets to attend a class and socialize! Now, that for me sounds really good!! And on top of that, I already knew the speech therapist and occupational therapist!! Well, which mother won't be delighted to be given those options to her isn't it ;) Also, the fact that Ridhwan was going to be left on his own without me, that makes me feel better, knowing I knew the people and Ridhwan is already used to them before...cause you see, all this 4 years of his life, from Shichida to Twiddlewink to T-mix and to all his therapies at the hospital, I have been by his side., never being alone..ada ke...cause even with me he does co-operate so yup, never left his side in all his classes and therapies..well, its time to let go...sob...sob...not entirely..but slowly....hmmm....so, as it is, he does need some socializing as he has stopped all those weekend classes already, and I want him to learn to be independent at the same time and being able to do all the main therapy that needs at only one place...well, this place sounds like the best so far....so far lah kan, Insya-Allah...

Anyway, only next week Ridhwan will start his so-called 'class' or Early Intervention Program (EIP) but so far I am satisfied with the fact that it will suit Ridhwan's current progress and will acommodate Ridhwan's progress in the future..and being backed up by our rehab doctor and neuro paed makes it even better lah kan! ;) For a long time I have been searching for a good EIP centre that has all the main therapies Ridhwan needs and a school for him to go to at the same time, and Insya-Allah I hope I have found one..as it is he is already going to be 5 next month, this is something that I really need to worry about as it has been on mind so much especially since I was pregnant and knowing my limitations of places to go with my condition did make me a but upset last time, also next year dah 6 years old!! Then its schooling age...hmmm....so, good luck to my son, you can do it sayang! Mama hopes you enjoy the classes and activities there! And may they take good care of you there ya! This is what happens when a mother who has been taking care of her son all by herself feels at times like this...hard to let go...sob..sob..but I have to, and I know he'll be fine..amin...Insya-Allah...

Hmm...okay ke tempat nie mama? ..

At the front of WQ Park...can you see ridhwan in his stroller in this picture? hehee...he is next to the cafe....yes, I checked that out too! ;) hahahaa

The main entrance of WQ Park..it has a ramp for wheelchair! Bagus..bagus...

Happy Birthday and a time off for this mama...

2010-05-07T14:51:00.005+08:00

The cake cutting ceremony...

At last a time off for me..me! me! me! Heehee...ever since I got pregnant I haven't really had the chance for a me time...not that I couldn't, well 1st three months was more of vomitting and nausea time isn't it, so now at 4 months, with feeling better with energy getting back to near normal, I can at least say, yes I can go out and have some time off with my girls. And so I did!

For someone who is not working, most people think that you'd have more time for yourself right...riiiight..what rubbish that is...oops, sorry for the language...but truthfully, you hardly have time for yourself cause most of the time is for you child...taking care of him, feeding and what not...though I must say since pregnant, I am sort of getting some 'time off' as I can't carry Ridhwan anymore and I don't give him baths anymore, the father does it! yahoo!! Hehee...but truthfully, I soooo misss doing that, carrying him into the bath tub, getting myself wet more than him as he kick the water in the tub, then carrying him and putting on his clothes, his bedak-bedak as Ridhwan calls it and many other things too...but in a way, I definitely can't do all the carrying anymore, so I guess its a 'time off' for me..at least for the next 5 months that is...But most of all, I miss hugging him tightly and just turning around and around until my back can't bear his weight anymore and both of us getting dizzy at the same time...hahaaa...but its okay, all in a good cause isn't it ;)

So, after non-socializing for nearly 4 months with other people except my family and umm..therapists...hehee...ya, SDMC is the only place where I go socializing these days...hahaaa...sigh...sounds pathetic lah pulak yea...hmm..oh well, at least I don't just stay at home right...well, on 25th April, got to meet me favourtie gals for Loges birthday or more of belated. Happy Birthday Loges dear! Had a nice lunch with the gals and later watched a movie, sad one too ...sob..sob...all done in Liz's place. Thanks dear for allowing us to keep crashing into your apartment ya! ;) Next time my place lah pulak, ya? ya? heehee....It was a nice time for me as I get to sort of 'off' my mother and wife mode for a few hours and behave like school girls again...yup, when you've known people since school you can't help behaving like a school girl again even after meeting again and again after all those years...which to me is a real treat for me as, its not every month I get that treat of leaving the house for a few hours and sort of stop worrying about Ridhwan, which I have no compain actually but you know, when you are a housewife, it does feel nice once in a while to just socialize with other people who are not really in the same boat with you and hear their side of their story and life...

Anyway, it was a good weekend for me, a nice time off even for a few hours only...to the gals, I always look forward seeing each and everyone of you every time we meet up, love you gals to bits! And thanks so much for always being there for me, especially at hard times like recently ya, love yaaaa!! Friends forever!!!!

Part of the cake gone..and more will be gone!! Yummy delicious ice-cream cake!!

Some of the food we ate...

Guilt trip...

2010-04-15T22:52:00.003+08:00

Hubby dearest is still away on work trip....bored of watching TV right now....Ridhwan is sound asleep as usual...so bored...so decided to blog then..heheee...hmmm, funny ya, bored only want to blog....anyway, since I'm feeling much better than 3 months ago..enegry wise back to nearly normal...sleepiness, only when too tired...nausea, comes and go....well..looking forward for the next few months, Insya-Allah...

As the heading says...guilt trip...oh i was heading towards the worse emotional breakdown I have ever had in my life...u see, I never really planned to have another one that soon..well I did tell myself that Ridhwan is going to be 5 this year, and I think that gap is quite big enough already between him and if there was going to be another sibling...but looking at his walking progress, I was worried...worried if I wouldn't be able to take him to therapy and all...I'll be concentrating more on the baby...well, those few days of these guilt trip then suddenly made me think....hmm, its near that time of the month...and yet, these emotional outbreaks is waaay different from normal....and then I thought, could I be pregnant??! Yup, instinct was right...I checked and I was!! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the results but then I was crying in tears of happiness thinking Allah is giving me another chance to be a mother again, and to me that is such a wonderful rezeki which secretly in my heart I wanted and alhamdulillah, the plan that I pictured in my mind only and even never expressed it to hubby is becoming a reality..Insya-Allah....

Well, so much for tears of happiness...then the tears of guilt came!! Woohoo!! The last 3 months was hard for me...not only because it was pregnancy 101 again....nearly 5 years is a long gap you know...you have forgotten about the hormonal changes in your body and your emotions! You forgot about the vomitting and nausea...you forgot also you can suddenly put your head on the dinner table and end up snoring away..while having dinner!! hahaha...yes. that happened to me!...then you forgot about the 'i can't smell that..it makes me want to....uweeeeek!!'...the running to the bathroom episodes...yup, the so-called 1st trimester ya ;) hahaha..

But what really got to me was the fact my energy was at it lowest...and the one thing that broke my heart so much was the fact that I couldn't carry Ridhwan anymore :( huwaaa.. that made me cry a lot...you see, despite having a maid, my mom's maid actually..yaya, still staying with parents :P ...the maid hardly touch Ridhwan..never actually! Everything to do with Ridhwan from bathing him, feeding him, playing with him, reading to him, therapy him...well almost everything was done by me...and since he has yet to put his left feet down and enable him to walk normaly...well, the walking is pretty much done by me with carrying him here and there....and to make matters worse...he sensed it...sob...sob...he suddenly realises his mother won't carry him when he cries in his cot..doesn't give him bath anymore cause was too weak and always wanting to throw up...doesn't bring him to the study room to play cum therapy him like usual...doesn't carry him and dance with him when we hear to our favourite songs....don't sing to him and have a conversation with him as much as before....gosh, just writting this makes me want to cry...sob...sob...I guess, taking care of him all these years by myself most of the time, really hit me how much I am so close to him and when he sense I don't do that anymore to him, he gets upset....cried a lot...head banging a lot...sigh...and to add upon it...with my hormones, I was crying away too most of the time...sigh....

Not only was that guilt trip heading towards depression of not being able to take care of your son as usual...then the guilt trip headed towards feeling guilty of not giving him his usual therapy as usual...no strength to stretch his legs as usual...no energy to show his flashcards....don't even feel like going to SDMC to bring him to therapy!! Oh yes...the last 3 months was really hard for me...that darn guilt trip...

However, alhamdulillah I am much much better now....hormones really can mess up your mind sometimes ya ;) heheee....but thinking back, I should have foreseen this actually, knowing that 1st trimester is never easy on any woman, be it a mother with a normal child and even with a special child like me..as hubby said to me, don't be so hard on myself...the months will pass by and I'll be 'normal' again..but then again, I guess it was my expectations that drove me to near depression last few months...wanting to therapy him and make him walk fast...worrying about which school to bring him and suddenly realising, yes i can drive him to a school but I can't carry him anymore!! ..Well, I should have expected these but somehow those hormones clouded my brain and crying and feeling sorry for oneself and Ridhwan was the main agenda last 3 months..oh the things we woman go through ya ;)

Well, Inysa-Allah and alhamdulillah I am not feeling guilty anymore, thank god for that...I tell myself, no ones prefect and yes, every mother want to give their best to their children and especially to a special need child...but Allah works in many way, there is a big hikmah somewhere I'm sure why after nearly 5 years only Allah gave me a rezeki again, and coincidently when I needed to do a surgery which is on hold now...that for me is a real big hikmah in itself...and also, maybe it is time to give Ridhwan a friend and to add my family :D and I have accepted that its not going to be an easy task juggling baby and my dear special son...but as I told myself once long ago when Ridhwan was in ICU..La Takhzan, La Takhaf, Innallah Ma'ana....Don't be sad, don't worry, Allah is with us...and girl, imprint this in that mind of yours!!! cause it is true isn't it...whatever happens it is in the will of Allah and we can and must pray so what the future holds for us, we will face it with redha, persevarance and as strong as we can...Insya-Allah...yup, I think I'm back...not going to be same though, as in physically...hehee...but no matter what, I shall give what I can to Ridhwan with whatever energy and strength I have...and may Allah always be with me and Ridhwan....and also to dear baby in tummy....wallahualam...

Oh, a dear friend, who I miss so much, sms this to me recently...and I'd like to share this with all the Supermoms with special children out there who is reading this entry...it made me cry a tear....but it made me smile too..

"...lagi salute ibu-ibu yang ada anak special sebab Allah sendiri yang mengiktiraf kehebatan ibu-ibu ini sebab kalau tak ibunya istimewa, taklah Allah beri anak-anak ini kepada mereka kan..."

The lazy bug is here....why?...

2010-04-13T17:30:00.002+08:00

Hmm..I have been soooooo lazy to update these days..and I mean soooo lazy..all I've been doing is read other friends blog and that's it....to comment pun malassss...hehee...well....maybe its the hormone...or is it...hmm...dunno lah....all I know past 3 months have been difficult for me...oh yes...it was...with my high fever at one time and being nearly warded....oh my....the emotional downhill that was dragging me into the world of depression.....hmm....but Alhamdulillah, I think I am more of myself now..I think...hahaa...

Anyway, the reason being of me being extra emotional at times like this is....yes everyone...Ridhwan is gonna have a little adik soon! Alhamdulillah...after nearly 5 years, I am going to be a mother again...Insya-Allah...this was really not planned but for me this is the best rezeki Allah can ever give me....alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah....so that explains why my entry before this was about emotional downhill as that was what I was feeling last 3 months....mostly because maybe I wasn't prepared to deal with how am I going to give therapy to Ridhwan and even drive him to therapy..okay, maybe driving was not much an issue but the fact that my gynae had warned me that I couldn't carry him anymore...that broke my heart in two...but that is a fact isn't it..how can a pregnant lady be carrying a 20 kg boy around anymore...oh yes, he is already 20kg!!! ...so last 3months...probably being the first trimester for me...was quite the hardest for me....emotionally..physically..mentally...eveything lah...but Alhamdulillah..I am better now...and strength is slowly back..Insya-Allah I'll start giving his daily dose of therapy like before or as much as I can...I do have to face the fact that I am not as strong as before...but I try my best kan...amin..Insya-Allah...

So, no more lazing around mama Ridhwan..pick yourself up again girl!! Try to do as much as I can within these few months before i become more sarat...insya-Allah...and do pray for a safe and comfortable pregnancy for me ya everyone, amin, Insya-Allah....

Will update more soon! ;)

Emotional downhill....

2010-03-18T14:28:00.002+08:00

Past few weeks have been very emotional...the once calm and most of the time compose me is now gone god knows where and doesn't seem to want to come back...sigh....partly, I know why I can't control these emotions because it is when I am in that condition...and for that, external factors which is directly and indirectly affecting my emotions is not helping me at all right now...its is just making these unstable emotions bursting out like lavas coming out from a volcano erupting with smokes and all.....sigh...

All I can do now is pray..and pray..and pray to Allah to please give me strength at times like this...please let me have some composure to deal with whatever I am dealing right now and in the future later cause truthfully...I really am feeling weak and helpless right now....I hate being like this!!! ....and darn it I am so craving for fettucinni carbornara right now!!! Hahahaa...okay, that's it this weekend I'm going to find one and eat it to my heart desires!! Muahahhahahaaaa......sigh...ya Allah, berilah kesabaran dan ketabahan yang tinggi kepadaku untuk mengharungi segalanya.....amin...

Of seizures...MIC-KEY tube...tactile, proprioception and vestibular...montessori (PART 2)

2010-02-03T17:23:00.003+08:00

Okay...okay..so am veeery slow in updating my blog...hehee..sori about that...but these days, its hard for me to commit to my blog...oops, sori blog...anyway, as promised I will be updating about Ridhwan's MIC-KEY tube...and others....

Now, what is this MIC-KEY thingy is...well its just like the BARD PEG button Ridhwan had all this while except its a bit thicker and looks a bit scarry for me to change it...that I will tell later...but the surgeon mentions that its better as it can be changed frequently meaning hygiene wise would be better for the user...but money wise also a lot lah ;) ...hmmm..but for Ridhwan, I'd pay anything right!

A MIC-KEY* Low Profile feeding tube (MIC-KEY*) has been inserted into your stomach through the abdominal wall. There is an inflatable balloon at one end and an external base at the other. This tube allows the intake of food and water that your body requires. Your specialist has measured you to ensure that you have the right size MIC-KEY* feeding tube.

So, basically this is how the button looks like in Ridhwan's stomach. If u notice that sphere like plastic is actually called a balloon where the mother or preferably the surgeon right now may syringe out the water in it and take out the tube to put in a new one...now this part is the one that has been bothering my mind so much but since no need to change yet not too worried but eventually, I might have to do THAT all by myself...sigh....anyway, will take a picture of the MIC-KEY tube deflated ya. But all in all, I think taking care of this button or the feeding tubes is somewhat easier than the BARD button, so okaylah ya! Now all I need to do is teach Ridhwan to eat better and especially drink better too, so one day begone the tube or any tube for that matter in his stomach...amin...amin...

Okay, next to update is tactile, proprioception and vestibular...yup, recently or end of january we finally met our rehab doctor again after...ummm...4 months avoiding to see her..hehee...anyway, it was a nice visit to see her as usual, Dr. Tunku Taayah the rehab dr has always been one of my favourite doctors as she gave me hope...yes she did...when all other doctors gave me such negative hope about Ridhwan's progress, she was the one who smiled and told me..."I know what I say seems overwhelming for you..but do enjoy your child kay, no matter what happens, he is a lovely boy and enjoy him and love him with all that you have..." ...yup, she gave me hope that day when she said that when he was...umm..a few months old I think..as Ridhwan was initially introduced to Early Intervention Program in SJMC...you see at that time, the other doctors were..umm...concerned? concerned in a way telling you aaalllll the worse case scenario that Ridhwan may go through which did de-motivate me in one way or the other...just imagine your child was just 3 months old and they say his brain wasn't growing..then they say god knows if he will even sit and what not...if i had my way that time, I'd give a big whallop to all those awful doctors i met!! but, alhamdulillah Allah gave me patience and preseverance I couldn't care less with what those doctors predicted and gave my all to Ridhwan..eh Mariah Carey's song title!! Heehee...sidetracking....well, Dr.Taayah as happy as she always is with Ridhwan she did mention 3 areas that I have to put extra..extra...extra...aaaaand extra effort on Ridhwan...firstly is tactile...or touch..why can't this doctors use layman language aje kan, it means the same thing anyway, just use words we non-medical people understand lah kan, taak ni nak jugak guna ayat canggih, nasib baik rajin baca...hahahhaa...well, tactile here is needed a lot to Ridhwan's hands and feet as it is Ridhwan has yet to master the grasping of a pencil which funnily is, not that he is not able to hold his blocks...but repetition..yes the magic word, he needs or I need to repeatedly show him how to hold a pencil and how to use it...so eventually he can write!! amin...insya-Allah...so tactile exercise consists of tepung with water(OT Aziah taught me this), next tepung kanji with water, then finger playing with play doh, finger playing with finger painting with non-toxic paints, playing with grains and what not...and these needs to be done a lot..a lot...a lot...hmmm...

Next on the list, proprioception....as much as Ridhwan has already learn how to cruise and stand and the way to use the legs to step or walk...he has yet to learn to do it in a 'normal way' as his leg joints have yet to register itself on how to walk properly and of course there is the issue of gait in his left foot...I mean, ballerina gait or senang tip toe lah...interesting is kan, it seems many children these days, and I mean normal children seems to be walking tip-toeing...scarry kan, well I mean they can place their foot down nicely and yet when they walk they tend to tip-toe..hmm...brain issues? well Ridhwan only has left foot to worry about but still it affects his balance because of that...sooo...lots of massages for the left foot to ensure no tightness will occur..never! never! and for that lots of joints massages too...work baby work! heheee

And lastly, vestibular on my mind...vestibular I say? Vestibular = balancing...see, apa susah sangat cakap balance aje kan...hehee..never mind lah, that is what they learned in medicine studies anyway, so might as well use it when they are working now right ;) ...as it is Ridhwan's left foot is not placing very well, so he needs to learn balance to ensure that he can walk better when eventually his left foot can be placed well...so balance exercises here we go! Bought a balancing board recently and hoping it will help him with his balance and also, we thought we might was as well start again some techniques of glen doman that we learned last time for his balancing, such as pitching and what not..gosh I can't remember the names...

Well, three main issues to overcome...as a mother, this sometimes overwhelms me...one would thought after all these years, its easier to absorb or deal with...but surprisingly it gets harder for me..maybe as I see he is already reaching 5 years old and I really need to be concern with his development even more...but all I can say and do is try my best...give him the best and most of all...pray for the best...amin..Insya-Allah...

So do pray for me everyone that I will be sane most of the time...hahahaa....and most of all have the preservarance to give the best to Ridhwan and be patient in all our endavour...Insya-Allah...amin...

Jiey, about montessori next post yea, sorry lambat sangat yea dear..want to take the pictures for you the items I bought ;) but this is the website anyway...

http://www.bambini-montessori.com

Of seizures...MIC-KEY tube...tactile, proprioception and vestibular...montessori (PART 1)

2010-01-26T17:18:00.005+08:00

Hmm...so much for blogging again..the oh so lazy bug is so getting to me these days..somehow I'd rather read other peoples blog instead of writting in mine...sigh...the lazy bug is definitely here...anyway, after thinking that a dear mother has requested I gave her the website to buy some montessori products..which I should have given her loooong time ago...sorry yea Jiey, baru teringat :P I decide, I think I'll blog about it then...buuut, before I get to montessori, there are few updates about Ridhwan I'd like to share with you..oh and maybe my own update...umm...maybe not...oh well, we'll see..heheee

Okay, first thing first...seizures...yes, Ridhwan has been having seizures on and off again...sigh...partly due to this also, I think I've been a bit down...lazy to write and in a no mood to tell anyone how I feel or how upset I was...yes, was....not that I'm on top of the world now...but its slowly sinking into my brain...again...that his seizures will come and go...this time his seizures has gone back to myclonic....sigh...the one that was so hard to go away has returned!! You see, there are many types of seizures...yes, one would think when one says that person has a seizure it would be the one where you see the person falls down on the floor and starts trembling badly and bubbles comes out of the mouth right? Well, no, there seems to be many more and actually the one I just described is called generalized seizure and happens to be one of the safest seizure to happen to a person, so they say..what?? safe? my foot lah safe...oops, sori for the languange....hehee...safe in terms eventually the seizure will go away when the person gets older and doesn't really affect the brain as bad as some others do....hmmm..anyway, last year we had done 2 EEG and the neuro paed saw that the seizures are still there..and still a lot...however, the myclonic is here again and he's gettin it nearly every week :( ...sooo, its back to the drawing board for the neuro paed, lets play, which meds work together!! Okay, sorry being a bit sarcastic there I think, but a mother can 't help feeling helpless whenever she thinks that the seizures are coming again and the one dreaded one pulak tu...oh ya, what is myclonic seizures?

Myoclonic (MY-o-KLON-ik) seizures are brief, shock-like jerks of a muscle or a group of muscles. "Myo" means muscle and "clonus" (KLOH-nus) means rapidly alternating contraction and relaxation—jerking or twitching—of a muscle.

Even people without epilepsy can experience myoclonus in hiccups or in a sudden jerk that may wake you up as you're just falling asleep. These things are normal.

In epilepsy, myoclonic seizures usually cause abnormal movements on both sides of the body at the same time. They occur in a variety of epilepsy syndromes that have different characteristics:

Juvenile myoclonic epilepsy: The seizures usually involve the neck, shoulders, and upper arms. In many patients the seizures most often occur soon after waking up. They usually begin around puberty or sometimes in early adulthood in people with a normal range of intelligence. In most cases, these seizures can be well controlled with medication but it must be continued throughout life.
Lennox-Gastaut syndrome: This is an uncommon syndrome that usually includes other types of seizures as well. It begins in early childhood. The myoclonic seizures usually involve the neck, shoulders, upper arms, and often the face. They may be quite strong and are difficult to control.
Progressive myoclonic epilepsy: The rare syndromes in this category feature a combination of myoclonic seizures and tonic-clonic seizures. Treatment is usually not successful for very long, as the patient deteriorates over time.

Ridhwan usually gets this when he wakes up...soo, whenever we are all sleeping soundly and suddenly I hear a sob from him, yes, Ridhwan's mama is a a very light sleeper, easily awakes from any sounds...and that scares me too sometimes...hahaha..anyway, when you hear him sob, wake up! Ridhwan is having one..and he cries...yes he cries...and that everyone is where I get very weak and feeling helpless as I know he is having a seizure and he is very upset about it...And not only that, there is this thing called Aura which our neuro paed mention that people with epilepsy gets before a seizure attack...and Ridhwan's aura....well...not something I am dealing well with lately...he bangs his head...yes, he usually bangs his head with his hands or fist and if that doesn't make him feel better....he sometimes...he bangs his head to the cot...huwaaaa!! ...though, I do stop him from doing that ost of the time, but truthfully onc can't help feeling helpless in that situation...memang sabar itu satu separuh dari iman when this happens...wallahualam...So, all in all, it has been an emotional roller coaster for me these few months but we have once gotten through this, and we shall Ridhwan! We shall fine one day the right dosage and combination again as we have found when you were two, that I know I am not giving up on and I know very well our neuro paed to is determine to find..Insya-Allah..amin...

Okay, NEEEXT! Heehee...can't help forgetting my maths teacher in Form 2, who would scream loudly the word 'next' for the next student to answer from the maths textbook on the blackboard...god, she was one scarry teacher!!...hehee...good old days...anyway...as I was a bit unwell last few months, I have been putting off a very important appoinment with Ridhwan's surgeon...also maybe of fear of going to the OT(Operating theatre) again..well not me, but Ridhwan actually..well, been there again, done that again and so Ridhwan has a new gastrostomy tube called MIC-KEY! Nooo, it does not look like mickey mouse and has no relation whatsoever with Mickey mouse :P but that's what it is called...what it means, can't remember..but one thing for sure it is soooo different from the BARD PEG tube Ridhan was usuing for nearly 3 years already...the procedure to change from BARD to MIC-KEY alhamdulillah was a fast one, around 40-45 minutes but all the time I was in the waiting room waiting for Ridhwan to go into the OT nearly cause me some sort of panic attack...don't ask my why I am behaving like that these days, I seem to have those feeling these days...wake up Reenaz!! ...where was I? Ah yes, so after waiting in the waiting room, okay it wasn't a room, more of like an area as there were many beds in there for other patients as that is the so-called Day Care Surgery of SDMC(formerly known as SJMC). So, waited for an hour and then it was time. Nooow, this time it was sort of cool, why cool? No, the procedure wasn't cool but the fact the anaesthatist...umm, is that how you spell that word, well, this doctor told me to ensure the child doesn't panic and feels too upset, she is asking me the mother, to dress in some OT gown or something and come into the OT to help the doctor and nurse when they make Ridhwan use the gas to konk him up and also insert the granula/IV line later....really? me get to go and see the OT???!! Cool!! yes, that was the only cool part about it lah kan...so, alhamdulillah Ridhwan didn't really resist while they made him wear the gas..but then there I stood looking at Ridhwan sleeping soundly and didn't budge at all to go out of the OT...yes, I was secretly hoping they'd forget about me and start changing his tube while I'm there! Ya right! Dream on lah ya! Haahaaa..so then the anaesthatist saw me standing like a pole there and said, "Mama nak kiss Ridhwan sebelum pergi ke.." ..oooh my mouth wanted so much to just reply, "Kiss aje? Stay and watch leh?" ..Haaahaaahaaa....and so with a heavy heart, I kissed Ridhwan's forehead and left...praying along the way out of the OT....but alhamdulillah everything went fine and now he has a new clean tube to feed him his milk...

Okay, this post is getting a bit long...will write more about this MIC-KEY in another entry...which really made my heart fell to the ground ..why? Later ya ;)

Entry part 2 will follow soon..how soon...entah...hahahaa..Insya-Allah soon..time to give Ridhwan his milk anyway....

Welcome Hijrah 1431 and the year 2010!!

2010-01-03T22:40:00.003+08:00

Welcome to the new year everybody!! I can't believe it, its like a blink of an eye and a year has just past by before my eyes...wow! Makes me wonder if I've covered and completed all my resolutions last year..resolutions? what resolutions? hahaha....

Anyway, I pray that this year Insya-Allah will be a good year for me and especially for Ridhwan. Ridhwan this year, Insya-Allah will be 5 years old! And that makes only 2 more years before school starts and that is so freaking me out!! It really clicked me about this fact when I saw in the news about the children in Standard 1 starting their school life tomorrrow around the country..and that made me really think...darn it, have I done enough for Ridhwan to be able to go to school??? Hmm..ponder ....ponder...

Well...before I ponder more about that, I've been very quiet in the blogging world as I myself have not been too well ever since after Aidilfitri. Don't worry I'm okay now, sort of. Though the few episodes where I am not too well recently made me really think and scared me as I could not help thinking if I was not around, who will take care of my little boy? ....and that...made me cry a river one fine day....it still lingers in my mind to this day this question...as a matter of fact I've even read it in a blog once this question posed to the blogger herself about her being a mother to a special needs child and if anything were to happen to her, what would be the future of her child....and this question came into my mind even more when I was not too well a few months ago...so, this comes to my first resolution then, to ensure that I will be there for Ridhwan as long as I can until he grows up to be a man that he can be proud of, yes, he has to be proud of himself first with all the achievements he will achieve for then all of us will be proud of him too! Insya-Allah....and so, for that to happen, I need to make sure I take care of my own health so Ridhwan will have a wonderful life and future one day...amin..amin...Insya-Allah..

Last few months have not been too easy for me with that health issue thingy that I started giving up blogging and have become a silent reader to other blogs for quite some time...but then, I realise, its not going to help by keeping quiet and I find, sharing my thoughts and hope here with friends and moreover other special needs parents give me strength and hope in ways I can't imagine actually...so here I am, back again blogging away hopefully...I gues s hearing some alarming news and knowing that I was not too well recently really took a blow on me felt that I didn't want to blog anymore..but then, that made me think, how weak I was to let that affect me when I have gone through even worse times with Ridhwan when he was just a newborn, when he had a PEG-tube in his stomach, my so called juggling masters and taking care of him and not forgetting one of the worse seizures attack for Ridhwan right after raya in 2008...sooo, wake up girl! stop feeling sorry for yourself and look in front of you! There's a cute 4 year old staring at you in the face eager to get as much knowledge as he can and eager to learn new things, physically and mentally! With that in mind and thought, I hope I will go through this new year, with a stronger determination and perseverance and most of all patience to give what's best for Ridhwan insya-Allah...

I guess when i think back, throughout these last few years, I have to admit, I never had anyone to really share my concerns and hopes for Ridhwan but just to doctors and therapists, most of all Sarjit...hehee...yes, this wonderful woman called Sarjit is someone I totally admire and have come to love for her love, affection and most of all passion to treat special needs children without any complain....anyway, now, when I see some mothers out there with special needs children like me gathering and sharing with one another, I really admire and thought, heck I should join them too! Probably I've been so use to being by myself, it never really came to my mind that I do need to have a support group too which I never really had for the last 3 years of Ridhwan's life...its good actually to have a support group such as this as who else would understand and be there for you if not for these great mothers out there with wonderful special needs children who are working hard to give what's best for their child....which made me quite upset too yesterday as I missed out on a great gathering by these wonderful parents of special needs children and on top of that, they even placed a pic of Ridhwan on the cake they had yesterday!! Huwaaaa!!! Terkilannya!!!...oh well, as they say, dah takda rezeki, ada lah hikmahnya kot...which ada actually..some pain came back..which I'd probably tell in another entry...or maybe not..I'll think about this later...hehee..the suspens ya ;) ....

This is a picture of the beautiful cake with beautiful children..including mine...hehee...which really made me upset yesterday that I couldn't attend the gathering but family was something I had to think first here..and there was some health issue that came back which made me not feasible to travel much too yesterday..but I was still terkilan that I couldn't go and meet these wonderul parents...hmmm...

Picture taken from yongnoina.blogspot.com ..hope u don't mind yea dear...

My prayers are for all these wonderful children and especially the parents to be always strong and give the best they can give despite sometimes being depressed or unsure or anxious or giving up which are feelings I have always had that comes and go once in a while that drives me mad!! Yes, after all, we are all human isn't it....but these feelings are good sometimes as it makes us realise that we need to wake up and stand tall again after all those emotions is thrown away and make our child our priority with the addition of our doa to the almighty..and not forgetting, therapy, therapy and therapy...no such word as lazy and giving up in our vocab ya...trust me, I go through these much too often these days...sigh....but, as I mentioned earlier, we are all only human and we try lah Insya-Allah to give our best to our child ya ;) This is actually a pep talk for my ownself too..hahahaa...hmmm...

So, my hope this year then is to be a good mother who never gives up to give her best to Ridhwan with the help of the doctors, therapists, family and friends Insya-Allah...and also to be healthier too as a a good example to my child as children does take after their parents don't then...hmmm....and also to be a good daughter....a good wife to my wonderful husband...and most of all, be a good muslimah ;) Insya-Allah...as they say, one can plan so much yet the Almighty decides what's best for you...which many times I have discovered directly or indirectly to be very true...wallahualam....as to my darling son Ridhwan, Mama is sorry if there were times I seem lost and unsure of myself the past few months, but that doesn't mean I've given up or have stopped worrying about you, it has actually made me think more about you and me...and for that, lets start this new year together as best as can be and may Allah always bless you my dear son and be with us always in all our future great endeavours..Insya-Allah.....welcome new year!!!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!! ..maaf zahir dan batin...

2009-09-18T21:23:00.001+08:00

P.S Decided in the end to do a virtual card raya in the end...hehee

Eid Mubarak...Kullu 'Am Wa Antum Bikhair..

2009-09-18T00:01:00.002+08:00

Eid Mubarak!!! This year, somehow I am not in the mood to do a virtual raya card with pictures of my family cause we have not taken any nice ones pun lately and also somehow so lazy to update the blog....hehee....busy with Ramadhan? Sort of I think....though this whole Ramadhan was spent mostly at home this year as we didn't go at all to Ridhwan's weekly therapy at the hospital..anyway, hope to see Ridhwan's favourite therapist again after Eid, Insya-Allah.....sooo, to compensate the usual virtual family raya card, I instead am taking this graphic as a replacement to my yearly virtual raya card...hahaa...have a wonderful Eid everyone! May our Ramadhan this year be accepted by Allah...ameen..Insya-Allah...and have a safe journey to those who will going back to your hometown!s Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin Ikhlas daripada Reenaz sekeluarga...

Ramadhan Mubarak!

2009-08-20T20:26:00.003+08:00

Ahlan Wa Sahlan Ya Ramadhan!! Can't believe it is already one year ago i met Ramadhan and now the Holy Month has come again and how I am very much looking forward to it this year, Insya-Allah...last Ramadhan was quite a challenge for me as Ridhwan had his fits again and it was at it worst..still remember me worrying every minute about his fits coming and going at that time...but as in the Quran "Verily, with hardships come relief..." and I so believe in that...as relief was seen soon after that in the form of his progress....

Anyway, may this Ramadhan be more fruitful, blessed and filled with lots of Ibadah to get the blessings of Allah..amin..Insya-Allah...I hope this year too I will get to perform tarawikh congregation sometimes too as most of the time I have been doing at home only ever since having Ridhwan....as they say, we plan but Allah decides what is best for us kan...wallahualam...

To all family, friends and muslims out there, may this Ramadhan be a blessed Ramadhan for all of you this year and may all our ibadah be accepted by the Almighty..amin..Insya-Allah...WELCOME RAMADHAN!! WELCOME!

Freaked myself out!

2009-08-08T17:47:00.003+08:00

In my earlier post I know how I kept telling everyone about how scared I am with this H1N1 thingy out there..and yes...it still does scares me...and bringing Ridhwan around in crowded areas is something I am trying my best not to....but then there was the question of...should I bring him to his new brain development class then? ...hmm..and since we've already paid for a term...which is 3 months...to just forgo it would be...oh my, gone with the wind the money then??!!...so then me and hubby started thinking...are we too freaking out with this H1N1 right now...are we actually being good parents in protecting Ridhwan as much as we can from any exposure of even any flu by home quaratine him...good question ya?...

So this morning, my hubby told me to call up the center to see if they made any screening..called..no one answered...so okay, think I have called them way too early...hehee... then decided, okay sms to the principal then...but since my grandmother was warded into the HDU in Damansara Specialist Hospital..that's another story here..we decided to send my mom first to DSH then go to TwiddleWink to check out IF they have any screening..and so we dropped off my mom...rushed to Jalan Abg. Hj. Openg...and then we saw the principal and her lovely kids...then one by one saw Ridhwan's classmates pulak..and said to ourselves..."So how? They saw us already...go in? leave?...they seemed okay...not sick or anything..." ...and somehow, without us realising...or we did...I took Ridhwan and brought him to class! Oh god, am I a hypocrit now?! :( ....so since I went into class now with Ridhwan, I told hubby to talk to the principal and ask her if she plans to do any screening on the kids and how is she curbing or doing whatever with this H1N1 thingy going out...

So, one hour came and went by...I had fun in class...I think Ridhwan did too! ;) ..and after the class I asked hubby what was the principal's opinion in what hubby was going to ask...which was the temperature screening tests on children...and so this is what she said...she has asked Dr. Musa one of the best paeds around and a doctor in DSH and other paeds around too, and most of them say, this screening test is not going to make any difference anymore...this H1N1 is now locally transmitted and there is no way in determining if one has it by doing any temperature screening on them...so in short...no point doing any temp screening on the kids or the adults....hmmm...quite true also cause as it is, we don't see any of these anymore in the hospitals as now only I recalled that our neuro paed mentioned they too decided it was a waste of time as its already pandemic and these temp screening would make no difference anyway...hmmm... then the principal continued to tell my hubby an interesting yet very true point to him....she believes, that they are promoting and hoping to instill in parents and especially children that a happy child will always be a healthy child..and by them being happy, with gods will, they too Insya-Allah will be healthy....gosh..that is so true kan..I mean, its logic too in a way...cause look at us ourseleves...if we are happy, we feel good, our whole body works well and our systems just works at its best...but when sometimes we feel sad, upset, angry..then comes the back ache lah...sore throat lah...runny nose suddenly comes..and many more...true right? ...So today i was reminded again...how one can sometimes forgets and panics so easily at times ya....that anything that happens is god 's will...and we as humans really can't do anything much...BUT ....doa...yes...doa...that's the one powerful tool we must believe in kan...how could I let myself worry so much ya...oh well, I'm only human right, I do have my weaknesses....or maybe its that time of the month..darn it...oops..hehee...

So, today lessoned learned....yes, I may have panicked, thanks to that I sort of cancelled an outing that was planned ages for tomorrow..but then other circumstances associated to it can't be avoided....and so, one must always...I repeat ...always turn to Allah at times of worrying and distress....I may have gone a bit worried, more than usual...plus seeing the situation at the hospital....I think indirectly seeing the list by my paed made me lost it too! Hahhaa...and I guess the fear...yes, the fear of thinking how awful it was to be in the hospital for nearly a month last year still haunts me till today...hmm, haunt? is that a right word here....anyway, the fear lead me to be even more scared and be over protective towards my one son...my dear darling son....also, with addition to my husband's fear of H1N1 stories from close friends and family members....oh well, all that must have added into it ya.!...you see, I thought when you've been in and out of the hospital a lot of times, it should prepare you for the worst, right...well...I guess I am only human, cause truthfully it doesn't...but then, its all about faith isn't it...have faith that your child will always be protected and most of all...have faith Allah is always there with you...Insya-Allah

But, despite the short term panic me and hubby had...yes...hubby too panicked and freaked out! Hahhaaa....I will still try to avoid crowded areas at least for Ridhwan....cause he still needs to be protected someway in another...as best as I can kan...so, for that, just carry that extra adult and child mask in your handbag ....and that hand sanitizer too...you never know when you need it...and as they say....prevention is better cure...and I pray may Allah protects us all in this pandemic time...Insya-Allah....wallahualam....

H1N1...social distancing...

2009-08-06T17:18:00.005+08:00

I wanted to write about this influenza yesterday but decided not to...but when I hear more and more cases are being reported in Malaysia and the fact that our paed also looked so haggard as her patients in the ward has come to more than 20..yes more than that probably as she showed me the list at her clinic yesterday...I wanted to count actually but was just too shocked to see the list as it is....so all I did was just asked her about it instead....

My dear friends, I think for those with small children and staying with your elders, it is about time to do social distancing...and that goes for me too! I remembered my mom complaining that she read in the newspaper and said after all these cases slowly rising now only they say to do social distancing..when initially they kept saying, don't worry, its okay, our country is handling it well...banyak lah handling well, my foot!! sorry for my language...From what I heard from my paed yesterday...SDMC or formerly known as SJMC has been chosen by the ministry as one of the hospitals to accept H1N1 cases on 17th July onwards as Sungai Buloh hospital could not accommodate the amount of cases coming in anymore...not only that....IMR and Sungai Buloh too could not do the tests as much as they wanted to as to determine if a patient does have H1N1 cause they could only do a maximum of 180 test per day...soooo, because of that, now only the health ministry is planning to purchase more machines to do the testing not just in the Klang Valley but in Johor, Melaka and so forth..and when did they suddenly decide this...ummm, after we have already reached 1000 cases!!!! So, it seems that last weekend there was a dialogue between the public and the ministry in SDMC..hmm..tak dengar lah pulak about that kan...and our paed told us that many, many questions were being throwned at the minsitry..hmm..wonder what were the answers lah ya!...but not only that, it shows too many are having flu these days ...as our paed said, the ER is so packed these days that at one time, she saw people and only people in the ER as people are coming to get themselves checked....now, isn't that scrarry!

Anyway, this pandemic is somewhat scarring me a little...correction...a lot today ....as when I went yesterday to SDMC for Ridhwan's follow up check up and to get his medications...the sight of the hospitals has definitely changed....2 weeks ago, the nurses/reception people at the clinic was happily smilling and entertaining us without wearing any mask and practically touching every little cute kid that came to the clinic...yesterday? ...everyone...I mean, nearly ALL hospital staffs were wearing a mask!! Especially the ones working at clinics...even nurses who is only on stand by shift at the clinics did not forget to wear one...scarry tak? ...not only that, the majority of the little children who came to the clinic was either coughing and sneezing...and I heard the nurse telling our paed, 'Semua nie datang pasal tak sihat doctor....' god was I panicking at that time!!....so told hubby to place Ridhwan far far away from anyone who seems to be sick or with a flu and I will only call him and Ridhwan when it was our turn..and so I too took out my ever ready mask in my handbag and wore it...yes, call me paranoid but I have a stash of adult and child mask in my handbag along with Dettol's hand sanitizer....yup, when you're a mom, you're a mom....heheee...also, one must always be prepared for the worse right....heck since school I was always the one who had everything, tissue lah, stapler lah, staples lah, everything lah...hehee...now that I am a mom, lagi lah the handbag is packed with other things...now my hubby knows why in the world I want a big handbag aje yea ;) hehehe....

Well, back to the story of the hospital...and our paed...and so I asked her are these children in the wards having H1N1...she said not all..only severe ones, cause most of them who has H1N1 are asked to go home for home quarantine as they can't afford for non-H1N1 patients to contract that flu pulak while in the hospital...hmm...there's a logic in that isn't it...but one thing that is worrying her...are the childrens...too many are having the flu, not H1N1 that is, of course some are..and those with seizures are getting even worse seizures where they are having non-stop seizures in them!! Hah!! Nauzubillah...for a mother who has gone through an awful episode last year where her child had seizures for nearly 3 weeks that came and go..to hear that news...that scares her very much...as she realises also, that special needs children somehow has low immunity due to their condition...so in conclusion...Ridhwan is strictly staying at home from now on!!! Call me an over protectice mother...getting paranoid for no reason...but seeing that list of patients in the ward at SDMC..and mind you, that is only under our neuro paed...god knows, how other doctors in that hospitals have how many patients under them! ....for that I think it is best for me to share this info that I have learned yesterday and call out to all mothers and parents out there...despite what the news are telling us...or the media are telling I think it is no harm in taking extra extra precautions to ensure the safety of our children....I know, you have just gotta watch that movie, you promised them..you always wanted to eat in that restaurant with them all this while...you miss bringing them to the park and let them play their hearts out...but think...is their health...is their life means so little to us that we keep closing our eyes and do our normal routine and ignore the ongoing increase in the number of cases and the deaths that is somehow affecting more of the young ones....the children...

Thus, lets try to be patient ..and that goes to me too you know! ...and sort of home quarantine our child and probably us in these hard times for the benefit of our children and us too...when you have seen your child in and out of the hospital so often, trust me...no mother should endure that and should want to go that...these little children needs us to guide them and protect them...let us be those mothers and parents ya...Insya-Allah...

More of Neurosuit...

2009-07-30T09:35:00.011+08:00

As you all know, I had the chance to go out of the house last weekend and attend a seminar...hehee..yes, sort of like a time off for me lah ya, ya rite, attending a seminar on how to help Ridhwan progress even better is still work for me...but a good work ;) ... anyway, initially I was worried about going to a seminar as I've left work for such a long time already and the thought of going there to listen people talk worries me that I may just fall asleep...hahaa...and the thought of mingling around with people too detest me as I'm such a shy person at times that I would probably just smile and clam up when people approach...well....so much for that, it turn out just fine and actually very interesting!! Heehee...yes, I wasn't that shy, I did speak to some parents and therapist there...and most of all, I gain a new knowledge that I find to be very interesting and quite beneficial...in terms of knowledge lah....

Anyway, the seminar was a whole day event...from 9 am to 5 pm, thus Ridhwan is stuck with his dad...hahaa....good practice for my husband anyway...but of course, his ever loving grandmother is just a room away...hehee...throughout the seminar I did miss him a lot and wondering how he was doing at home but most of all, trying to see if this Neurosuit is suitable for Ridhwan or not...

I'm sure all of you are asking, what in the world is this Neurosuit thingy all about? Taken from the NeuroSuit website, its definition is as below:

The NeuroSuit™ creates a breathable, soft dynamic orthotic. It improves and changes proprioception (pressure from the joints, ligaments, muscles), reduces a patient’s pathological reflexes, restores physiological muscles synergies (proper patterns of movement), and loads the entire body (anti-musculature) with weight (a process similar to the reaction of our muscles to gravitational forces constantly acting up on us ).

All of the above normalizes afferent vestibule-proprioceptive input (information arrives to vestibular system). The vestibular system is a tremendously important center. It processes, integrates and sends back all the information that arrives from muscles, joints, tendons, etc. It influences muscle tone, balance and position of the body in space.

The more correct proprioception from the joints, ligaments, muscles, and tendons, the more correct the alignment. The NeuroSuit is a tool that allows the body to be correctly aligned with compression to the joints increasing proprioception dramatically!

Ridhwan with NeuroSuit founder, Patricica Gonzalez

Hehhee...for those who are unfamiliar with the jargons above may say to yourself, what??!! Hehee...trust me, I too intially was always gaping when the doctors and therapist talk to each other in their medical language....okay, from my own understanding, this NeuroSuit is a suit where it is attached and connected to each other by a bungee cord(something like an elastic rubber, a very strong one too) to a vest, an elbow pad, a pants and knee pads, where connecting these cords together with a specific way will enable the child to move in the correct way or in other words...be able to sit like us normal people, be able to stand correctly, and most of all be able to eventually walk like a normal child....that's the target of the suit lah..however, as their founder mentioned again and again in the seminar, this is not a miracle suit...this is not a suit, where you wear it once, and tadaaa...my son can walk! No! ...It is a suit that helps the body to be aware of itself and hoping by having that sensory information being given to the body all at one go, the child will feel better with their body and with proper consistent exercises, the child will eventually reach whatever its milestones he/she needs to reach...sounds logic to me...also, its not all about the suit...the suit just enhances and speed the progress as we need to incorporate other therapy while using the suit, such as hippotherapy...no, we do not use a hippopatamus here! Hahhaa....hippo is horse in greek! Yup, new word i learned last saturday...or in other words, horse riding lah nie..and other therapy like the usual exercises we do with ridhwan in physiotherapy and occupational therapy...meaning intensive therapy with the usage of NeuroSuit will hopefully speed up the childs progress by few months or weeks I suppose, unlike the conventional straight forward therapy we are doing to him all this while which could be slow and may take years some time....hmmm...menarik kan....truthfully, who wouldn't want your child to walk faster! sit faster! or anything that he needs to accomplish faster...

But...as Jia Kenn's mother is contemplating too right now, the one hour session we had with Tricia(NeuroSuit's founder) somehow has not given us 100% confidence that this suit will work...but of course, when I remember what Tricia said to us, it takes time, just that its faster than the normal therapis we are doing....maybe its true ya?...wallahualam...

Well, the try out that Sunday was good...though I still feel an hour of testing wasn't enough to test the suit's capabilities....but one thing my husband was amazed was the fact Ridhwan could walk quite well without an AFO, which is a real plus point and he stood one time very straight and upright...something which he doesn't really want to do everytime we do it on him at home or even during physiotherapy...and the fact that he didn't resist and scream away when we wore him the suit..that's an even plus sign, which means that he must be feeling all the sensation given to him at one time from the suit..as I could see he was very quiet and thinking...must be thinking, apa benda ni! wow..what are these feelings....

Soooo..ntahlah, ikut harga, darn expensive...but, for Ridhwan I am willing to find or borrow it for him...but still...is it really worth it to spend that much...and will it really work? ....but then again, everything about a brain injured child needs repetition right....but if the repitition can be done with a tool that shortens the period to reach the milestones...that's even better right? ...truthfully...if i had that much of money in my bank..I'd go for it...what do have i to loose...okay, so my money..but there were examples that I saw on last saturday and it amazed me...so maybe different child will take different time...but if it helps somehow...why not right? ....I think I need to solat istikharah for this one....also wait for the feedback from our rehab dr. also, she looked pretty excited with this suit....so far our therapist likes the suit...but wether it would be useful for Ridhwan is still debatable as Ridhwan has progressed so well now...but then its that word, speed...faster....man, i want him to walk fast if I can kan!...sabar Reenaz...sabar...

Anyway...may Allah give me wisdom to decide this NeuroSuit thingy....and if ada rezeki to buy this..ada lah Insya-Allah....but for now, thanks Pui Yen for calling me about this suit...thanks Fezia for setting up the time to try out the suit ...and thank you Tricia for designing a wonderful contraption/tool that is helping so many special needs children out there!!

Tricia wearing the suit on Ridhwan, sedap naa dia baring atas Auntie Sarjit(Physio therapist) dia yea..hehee...sabor je lah....

Okay, suit is on now!

See how Ridhwan seems to struggle when he is made to walk...this is very normal for me...forcing him to walk...

See how he tends to bend when walking...need to adress and overcome this too..I mean you do bend when you walk, but Ridhwan overdoes it...

That's right Ridhwan! We teach you how to stand straight okay! Truthfully, this is one of his most upright stand, we've ever seen...hmmm...so NeuroSuit working? ...

Comelnya anak mama with the hat! He lookes so cute in it...but as usual he hated it when I placed it onto his head...hehee

Ridhwan with his full NeuroSuit! Cool ya..and to think this suit has made a 5 year old boy in Hong Kong walk without assistance as far as 3 meters...amazing!! So...beli? tak beli? ...hmmm...

Neurosuit seminar and try out

2009-07-27T12:06:00.003+08:00

Last Saturday I had the opportunity to go to a one day seminar to hear about this thing called Neurosuit...actually, there was an article about it in NST some time ago...my mom showed me the paper cutting she cut out and I just read with eagerness as it sounds so interesting as it originated from a suit being used by cosmonauts in Russia last time and it seems it is still being used by them now!...wow, Ridhwan in a suit worn by cosmonauts!! (in the US they are called astronauts as well all are more familiar with) ...however, then I wondered if this special suit is from the states, then how much would it cost after times 3.6 or so like that, dah lah austronauts guna woooo...so, I never bothered to ask the person responsbile to bring it into Malaysia, thinking it would probably cost a bomb!...untiiiil...yes, until dear Jia Kenn's mother called me up asking me if I'd like to know more about it and try it out if it is suitable for Ridhwan...and for that Pui Yen, I am so grateful that you made that call to me and the follow up with Fezia as it has been a wonderful experience and eye-opener for me last weekend...

Okay will talk more about this suit...for now I'll be posting pics only....and to know more about Neurosuit, you may google it up and find quite a few pics of it and their main website is www.neurosuit.com ....I'll be back with more Neurosuit ya ;)

Ridhwan trying out the Neurosuit for the first time!

Ridhwan's new school!

2009-07-15T23:24:00.007+08:00

Yup, Ridhwan has a new brain development class!! Well, we were going to Shichida all these years...I still can't believe that Ridhwan has been attending Shichida method since 6 months old and he is already 4 years old now! However, lately I noticed that Shichida was somewhat not suitable for Ridhwan anymore as the class was a bit too advance for Ridhwan....you see Shichida method is good, that I do agree, however, i noticed as the child gets to the age of able to write, they tend to have lots and lots of writting exercises in class which is actually good but for someone like Ridhwan, which have not learn to even grasp a pencil or pen that well...it can be quite frustrating to the mother...yes, the mother is the one who gets frustrated...hehee...well, maybe Ridhwan too kan, its just that he never shows it aje...so after forcing my hubby to attend the Shichida class a few times and made him see for himself why I told him that I am now a bit 'tawar hati' with the class...he understood why I am frustrated....but then...yes the but....I just can't quit Shichida and not have a backup class for him...he stills need stimulation and interaction with other kids as it would be very beneficial for him....and as if Allah has answered my prayers, it so happened that one of his classmate's mother was starting up a new brain development center! As Shichida is from japan, this new class is from America...Sadly, I didn't have the chance to hear the founder from America gave a talk when she was here early this year..or was it last year...anyway, the wonderful mother, yes I like her a lot, such a sweet and gentle person and friendly too! Well, she told me all about the new centre and told me, if anytime I'd like to join it should I leave Shichida, just contact her and do come and visit the centre whenever I wish to. So, I decide first to look up in the internet this new place called Twiddle Wink....Its link is here ya Right Brain Education ...and this is a paper clipping of the Twiddle Wink centre being visited by our Prime Minister's wife, Datin Rosmah.

Anyway, I've only been to one class with Ridhwan at Tweedle Wink as he was down with chicken pox recently. But just by being in one class, I find that this class or centre is somewhat different from Shichida and is unique in its own way. For those mothers, who have been telling me that you are in the waiting list of Shichida or even been rejected, do try out Twiddle Wink as your 2nd choice as personally Shichida in some ways have helped Rdihwan a lot but maybe you could try with Shichida one year or two to get the ideas on how to do home practice and if you want new interesting brain development centre to enhance the child mentally and physically, yes, physically, one of the advantages and plus point that I see in Twiddle Wink is it's not just about seeing flashcards and playing games on the table, but there is trampoline time or rebounder as they call it there and even big ball time just like Ridhwan's physiotherapy at the hospital! Which is very good for normal or special needs child.

So, this weekend hopefully Ridhwan is going back to his class...after 3 weeks holiday...boohoo..sian Ridhwan every week asking "Class? ...class?"...and sometimes saying "Class time! class time!" but he was stuck at home....sian anak mama...anyway, looking forward for the next class! Lets "have fuuuun"! as Ridhwan would day ;)

Here are some pictures of our wonderful sensei Christy and us during her last day at Shichida...I do miss her a lot..she is such a great sensei to Ridhwan....

Ridhwan and his favourite Sensei Christy on her last day with Shichida Method at Centrepoint, P.J.

As usual, my dear son wriggling away when sitting on other people besides his mother and father and grandparents..aiseh Ridhwan....

Thank you for 3 wonderful Shichida years Christy, you have been a wonderful, patient and caring Sensei to Ridhwan. You're the best lah!

Ridhwan has chicken pox!!!

2009-07-15T23:03:00.002+08:00

I still don't know where in the world he got it...as he stays at home with me all the time...ever since the chaos of H1N1 , we too have been avoiding shopping complexes and crowded areas...well hubby and I do go out to buy groceries or important things for ridhwan but Ridhwan has always stayed home...except..one sunday afternoon where we went to SACC but that was a very short stop...and then of course we went to Ridhwan's new brain development class in Taman Tun Dr. Ismail...which will be my next posting ya ;) ...so then the question arise, he got it from the kids in the new class maybe? though the other kids were fine...OR did he get it from the new speech therapy at SDMC which didn't touch or interact with him pun and that was like 2 weeks before he got it....hmm..wondering...wondering...

Anyway, wonder all I can...he got it! It freaked me out a bit at first as hubby and I initially thought it was 'bisul' at his thighs but as usual the mother's instinct knows better...I told myself if this was not bisul, it sure looked like chicken pox...but then, he has no fever...and also it was that one little bisul which looked watery on his thigh, so I though, nantilah ask my mom and it was probably just bisul....and so the instinct was right!!..on Tuesday morning, he was covered with spots! Red spots and some watery!! Oh dear, it is chicken pox...but since the spots were so small unlike mine, when I had it at standard 5, loooong time ago...I was thinking, eh tul ke chicken pox nie or is this some other allergy or something...well, me and my mom decided, query all we can to ourselves, the best thing is to bring Ridhwan to his neuro paed in SDMC. And so, on a tuesday afternoon (cause she only has afternoon clinic on tuesdays) we brought Ridhwan to see his neuro paed....Yup, I was right, it was chicken pox! Though the thing was, he already had a vaccine jab in 2006...and somehow he still got it! But since he ajready had a jab, the neuro paed told me that it would probably be mild and from how it looks and spreading, it looks like a mild one and also since he had no fever...well, it is sort of good news as the one thing we would be worried is if he gets fever...and fever scares me cause it means, temp rising and fits....yes...the scarry thing called fits may just re-occur...nauzubillah...so in a way, it was sort of good its a mild one and he got it when he's young and also my dad said this would definitely boost his antibody and his body will be stronger..Insya-Allah...amin...

So, past one week, all I've been doing is putting calamine on all his spots...he was a bit cranky last week but he is such a good boy as he really didn't complain and not much crying you know...I am so proud of you Ridhwan, you are one strong boy and you really didn't cry much but was just cranky once or twice in a week because of feeling itchy..but that's it...otherwise he has been such a patient and calm boy...mama is so proud of you my love!!

Oh and today, he did something so sweet...he crawled to me quickly when he saw me as I just finished cooking his porridge and he tried to climb on me and said "Mother...mother...angkaaat...angkaaat..." ..yes....he sometimes likes to call me mother...hahaha...and then when I did eventually carry him, he hugged me and said "My mother!!".....gosh! I was surprised the fact he knows the word, 'My' and he used it with 'Mother' and to tell I am his mother!! You made my day today Ridhwan...you really did..and my son...your mother loves you so much and prays everyday you'll be a healthy and strong boy always...amin....

P.S Pic of him with calamine is coming soon ya...i get so engrossed in taking care of him sometimes that I even forgot to take pics of him...hehee...

Inspiration...

2009-06-27T00:16:00.002+08:00

How much do you watch TV? Me?? A lot....sad to admit lah...hehee..but yesterday I sort of needed or wanted to watch TV as it was sort of a break for me from printing after printing of materials for Ridhwan's pre-writing exercises....it took me such a long time as I wanted quality materials and if possible coloured materials, which is susahnya nak cariiii! So, after much thinking, and frustration, I decide, oh well, buat sendiri je lah..besides having gone to Shichida last time would help me to get some ideas to prepare Ridhwan's writing material ya..Insya-Allah...

Anyway, back to the story of TV....last night I watched a movie called 'Front of the class'...I actually saw it a few days ago...the ending that is..couldn't understand it actually..yelah, saw for 2 minutes, the movie finished...hehee...then a day after that saw it again or actually glanced at it since my dad was changing channels ...in my mind...hmmm, menarik movie nie, why is that boy doing that yea? but still didn't watch it....then, last night, I got to sit down and actually watch it! Woohooo! You see, the movie is a very simple movie but soooo inspirational for me...the movie is about a young boy's journey in dealing with his condition called Tourette syndrome....a little explanation of the movie and Touretter is given as below ya...

Brad Cohen is a motivational speaker and an award-winning teacher and author who has severe Tourette syndrome (TS).Cohen described his experiences growing up with the condition in his book, Front of the Class: How Tourette Syndrome Made Me the Teacher I Never Had, co-authored with Lisa Wysocky. The book has been made into a Hallmark Hall of Fame TV movie titled Front of the Class.

During his childhood, Cohen was accused of being a troublemaker in school and was punished by his teachers for the tics and noises caused by TS. He decided to "become the teacher that he never had". After he graduated and received his teaching certificate, 24 elementary schools rejected him before he was hired at Mountain View Elementary School in Cobb County, Georgia. As a new teacher, he was named Georgia's First Class Teacher of the Year.

Tourette syndrome (also called Tourette's syndrome, Tourette's disorder, Gilles de la Tourette syndrome, GTS or, more commonly, simply Tourette's or TS) is an inherited neuropsychiatric disorder with onset in childhood, characterized by the presence of multiple physical (motor) tics and at least one vocal (phonic) tic; these tics characteristically wax and wane. Tourette's is defined as part of a spectrum of tic disorders, which includes transient and chronic tics.

Anyway, these is just a summary of the movie, what made me inspired from the movie was the dedication in Brad Cohen's mother to find the cause of his 'tics' and his behaviour which his father sad to say always kept thinking was his own doing out of spite when in actual fact he had no control of it whatsoever...I really felt pity and sad when he was treated badly by other teachers during interviews and even students when he was young...and realised how ignorant we human can be...but his mother is someone you can't help admiring for she instilled in her son the will to fight his syndrom and prevail above all despite the 'disabilities' he was facing and the way the society reacts towards him...that...really saddens me...that made me cry...yes, society my friend...a scene that realy made an impact to me in the movie which made me see there are still some hope in the society hopefully..and malaysian society I hope...though I am doubting it though....anyway, the scene was when Brad's teacher send him to the principal's room after he was considered disrupting the class with his 'tics' which sound like barking at times, and yelping...he has no control of it for goodness sake you moron! Oopps sorry for the language..I can't help saying that to the teacher character in that movie who send him to the principal's office as it is so obvious how ignorant he is....well, when Brad waited for the principal, the principal came out of the office to meet Brad and looked very upset...and asked Brad "what is school for?" ....Brad just looked at him...and the principal himself answered the question...he said "to educate.....to teach knowledge to eliminate ignorance..." (i think the word is eliminate or somewhat similar meaning) and then he asked Brad to come to some school orchestra later during school that day...and Brad initially said no cause he'd disrupt it with his 'noises' as he calls it...but the principal insisted...and so he went...and of course, during the orchestra playing, he couldn't help himself by making all the tics sounds and other kids were shhhhh-ing him all the way...it looked so sad at that time cause he really couldn't help doing it....then right after the music finished, the principal called Brad to the stage and asked the audience "did you hear the noise just now?" the students said yes...he even pointed who made the sounds....at that time, Brad looked pretty upset and is making even more tics sounds....then the principal said " come up here Brad Cohen..." and he asked him one question at a time...why Brad did it...he said its a neurological disorder...why does he not take medications?..Brad says there is no cure for it....why didn't he stop it...and so forth...which he is indirectly telling or teaching the teachers and students why Brad was behaving in such a way...and one question that made me smile was when he asked Brad "What can we do Brad to help you with the syndrome....what can the whole school do to help..." ...that made me cry.....why?.. here was a principal indirectly educating his staffs and students to learn about why this young boy is behaving that way which is out of his control and has no cure, and most of all, he cares....he actually cares how Brad was feeling...and he was eliminating ignorance in his school....ignorance which our society has yet to overcome...which made me cry even more as I straight away thought of Ridhwan...his future....his interaction with the society when he is older....the fear..of how peoples ignorance could actually weaken him at times and saddens him just as Brad felt in his many rejected interviews to become a teacher....BUT..yes the but, Brad was an example that dreams do come true, he wanted to become a teacher, he became one! He overcomed peoples ignorance by being very positive and answering all their ignorance in a well mannered way...he overcome his Tourette by explaining to other teachers and students..and eventually earning their trust and most of all respect.. for being brave and daring to reach his dreams despite having to deal with his condition...that made me really cry like mad as that is so inspirational for a man to be strong despite his 'disabilities' as some may call it...but his condition is also a blessing for him and his strength to face the ruthless ignorant world we have these days....

For that, I am so inspired with Brad's strength and achivement that I do hope that Ridhwan too will have that confident, that strength, that patience when he grows up one day....and I know, I need to be that mother that Brad's mother is... to always be there for him, give hope and confidence in him...and of course unconditional love....Though, I know our society still lacks or are so ignorant of the brain-injured people out there...and that saddens me a lot....I have heard of many stories mothers are having problem even sending a child to a kindergarten so the child may interact, socialize and learn...all they want is to learn ...please...why deprive them from that?...why say no just because his head is small..why sat no cause he's autistic...why say no cause he keeps asking to much questions...why say no just because he can't walk...why say no beacuse he can't see....whys say no just because you yourself don't understand what cerebral palsy is or microcephalic is....why?? why?? you answer me you ignorant so-called educators out there!! ...sorry, got a bit emotional ya....hehee...but, these are what we brain-injured/special needs parents are facing, going to face or have faced....so may Allah give strength to these parents and most of all to the child...to just do what he/she wants to do and would like to achieve and not let their disability and society's ignorance to hinder them from doing whatever they want to do or be....

It made me think too you know....you say you want to be a teacher...but think again...why do you want to be a teacher? to educate yes...but is there a clause somewhere that says..I only want to educate normal children..normal students...normal....then, what about the brain-injured ones? ...as an educator, shouldn't they have the priviledge and chance to learn and be educated too? Just because the child has ADD or ADHD or autistic, you suddenly indirectly write in your resume "will teach except to special needs" ....hmmm?? ....I beg teachers out there or future teachers out there please think back of why you want to be an educator ...the principal who made Brad's day in the movie is a man who deserves his title "an educator" ..as he himself said, "you go to school to get an education....to get knowledge...to eliminate ignorance..." ...so whenever you see a brain injured/special needs child...think of how he/she sometimes feel frustrated not being able to learn certain things at a normal pace as other childrens are doing.....think of how, he/she would love to play and learn just like their so-called normal peers..think of how, they are actually struggling and have to work harder to do what is called simple but could be darn difficult to them...

So, my dear friends...I urge you to educate yourself...I myself am still educating myself too...educate your children about how the world out there isn't exactly a perfect one, BUT...can be a better place for your child and someone elses brain injured child ...cause you know, you learn, you have educate yourself about the many differences between a brain injured child and a normal one..but at the end of the day...they all want the same thing....to be educated...to be learned...to have knowledge..to live together with everyone else...to have a life...a meanigful life.....

Excuse me for some of my languages ya...but seeing the movie really made me think hard and how our society lacks the education in special needs...and if I can just share a bit of how a special needs parent feel and experience...I hope you will have some idea of how Ridhwan or in general brain injured children are facing and will face in future..and please try to help them as much as you can, stop staring at them, don't open your mouth and gap at them, don't run away from them seeing them in their wheelchairs or funny shoes or apparatus on them....but smile....yes...smile...smile at their parents...smile at the child...and most of all...bersyukur....syukur banyak2x that you are normal and you have a normal child....be thankful to Allah that you are blessed with a child and pray that your child one day will make a difference in the future and never let them be ignorant around the special ones...the special needs ones....wallahualam....

The EEG test results...

2009-06-18T00:41:00.005+08:00

Monday last week was Ridhwan's scheduled EEG..the last one we had was probably last year kot when he was warded for nearly 3 weeks....anywa, to my sadness but as I have expected, Ridhwan still has seizures in his brain...hmm...sigh...we arrived at SDMC around 9 am to go straight to Level 1, North Tower to the Diagnostic lab...I think I have been in that department so many times, I even know if they are new people in the department..some who knows me or recognise me I suppose would nod at me or smile at me...Today's lab technician or assistant..or what do they call themselves ya? Anyway, she was new..I think or... maybe old as in old staff yea ;)...but she was nice...anyway, this young lady was eager to perform the EEG test on Ridhwan but little did she know, Ridhwan just hates, and I mean HATES anything to be on his head or hair...so initally, it was quite a commotion in the neurology testing room 1 as we were trying to hold Ridhwan's hand..hold down his head and calming him down as the young lady tried to place the wires on Ridhwan's oh-so-comel head....that was hard for me...truthfully it was....why? well, first because he was moving his head non-stop trying to stop the young lady from placing any wires on his head...then he started to cry..alamak...this was hard for me...I noticed as the child gets older it gets harder to do any test on them cause they understand better and they show if they hate it or feel uncomfortable with what is being done to him...but after much coaxing and singing! Oh yes I sang Hahahaha...then he finally settled down and allowed the wires to be place on his head..mind you, banyak bebenor wires dia...though I am used to this test but somehowe I don't know why it gets a bit harder for me to see it these days but at least knowing this test would last around 3 hours, I'm somehow prepared about it...sort of...hehee....

Since Ridhwan refused to sleep! You see the EEG test needs the child to sleep for at least 30 minutes to check and see how the brain works during resting period...this is also good to see how the brain is during resting period where it should show no sign of seizures as it is resting..but so much for that!! No matter how many times I tried sleeping next to him...or even my husband tried to sleep next to him...he was just not interested to sleep...soooo, it looks like the 3 hour test is set to go! However, me and hubby took turns to go in and out of the room before we both become too agitated just like Ridhwan was getting to be....so, sometime during the test, I went and busy bodied myself in the next room to actually see the results of Ridhwan's test on the pc...and to my sadness...yup...its there alright even when he is practically lying down doing nothing..and so I disturbed the technicians about how in the world do you read the results..which is the right and which is the left...what in the world is that line doing that? ...and so forth...but all in all, I learned quite a lot in a very short time and sort of knew what the readings were all about....then after 3 hours of lying down on the bed....Ridhwan that is..we were finally asked to leave or in other words, dah abis test dah!!

Since the technicians and the young lady needed some time to properly tabulate the results or readings, they asked to come in an hours time...aiseh, that means, we can only see our neuro paed after lunch?!! Hmm..why am I not surprise..how ones memory seems to forget that this was the same scenario we went through last year...or wait, was it during Ridhwan being warded...hmmm..see...the mind..the mind...well, after a good lunch at the cafeteria, thank god the food there has always been yummy! heheee...we then made our way back to the diagnostic lab to get the results and then to the neuro paed's clinic....and after waiting for half and hour or so it was our turn to see the neuro paed....and not to my surprise, surely enough she said there are still seizures in Ridhwan's brain :( ..however, the sort of good news is the seizures are lesser than the previous EEG test we did....yahoo! walaupun tak hilang semua, its good news you know to know its slowly getting less...amin...amin...however, then only also I know from the EEG you sort of know if the brain is matured already and Ridhwan's was getting there but not yet fully matured...hmmm..and then the neuro paed showed a matured or a 4 year old brainwaves..and I was like...oooh...alamak...hmmmm....work it girl! work it!! yes...that was what came to my mind when I saw the difference in the brainwaves.....however, the visit to the neuro paed was as usual long ..however, fun this time as Ridhwan was actually interacting more with his neuro paed....but it then shows that seizures are still there..and we have got to make it go away....how..well for now its medications....additional pulak tu!!! sigh...but doa....that's one way to do it..most powerful thing you know the doa right...amin..Insya-Allah...

So all in all, seizures? expected..increase in medications? yes....sigh...otherwise its back to constant therapy and therapy and therapy.....so Ridhwan, our journey is still a long way to go....may Allah always be with us...and give mama strength to give what's best for you yea...Insya-Allah...amin...

Why? ...why does he do the head banging thing...sigh..

2009-06-09T17:46:00.002+08:00

Lately, before and after the seizure episode, Ridhwan has been having head banging session so often that not only is it driving me nuts its mentally torturing me and drowning me emotionally..lately tears have been on my cheeks cracking my head or worrying why in the world does he do that??!! Some may say it could be behaviour problem..what??!! God knows what brain-injured children does sometimes isn't it...but he has been such a pleasant boy all this while...never had this head banging going on..and now lately, its what he does most of the time when he wakes up...huwaaa!!! though one worry that is making my head spinning around and tears dripping on my cheeks even more is that he may still be having unseen seizures in his head....oh no...for example in the morning just now, he looked at me, smiled, then suddenly made a sad face and said, "sakit.."...and rubbed his head....then he played for awhile in his cot...and then said again "sakit..." and rubbed his head...huwaaaaa.....truthfully, these past few weeks have been very hard for me...and somehow its not doing me any good as somehow I am not able to bring myself up like I usually do and am in a depression state at times that its pulling me down even worse....and I hate that so much!! ....I must be tired....or too worried...or dunno lah...all I can say, I have to be strong wether I like it or not...and I am praying like mad that his EEG next week will be okay....or not? ..seee! this negativity in me...sigh...Ya Allah, I pray to you, please keep me strong in times like this, there is no one else I can turn to except you...please keep me strong and please protect Ridhwan from anymore seizures....please....sob.....sob....

Ridhwan's makan2x at Nenek's house....

2009-06-03T20:45:00.003+08:00

On 31st May, we decided to make a very small makan2x at Ridhwan's nenek house to celebrate Ridhwan's fourth birthday...Initially we wanted to do at my house as we did last year but then thinking of my aunt who had stroke and still has difficulty in walking, our house would be quite a challenge for her to go to the bathroom when nature calls ;) So, this year, Ridhwan's grandmother decided we do it at her house instead. However, sad to say, my aunt and grandmother could not attend...but its okay, at least my uncle and my brother's family was there...I sometimes ask myself, maybe I should make one big party for him like how I see many young parents these days are doing for their children..as much as I'd love to do it, I keep thinking, who's the one whose going to enjoy it most? Me? Eating away and chit chatting away...or Ridhwan? Who'd be looking around at the commotion and not having the opportunity to run around with other childrens and join in their fun or play...so after much thinking, 2 years ago, I decided, his birthday party in the big event will be when he actually walks..that would then be a celebration to celebrate his biggest achievement and at that time hopefully he will enjoy to eat and play with other children his age, younger or even older...so after much consideration, I will stick to this plan, where the 'big party' will be held when he walks, maybe next year kan? hehee..amin..so at that time, I will smile in glee and joy to see how he has achieve something that we have been working so hard all these years and for him, it is his time to shine and show the world, I did it and here I am...Insya-Allah....kita merancang, Allah jua yang Maha menentukan....wallahualam...

Anyway, a party is still a party despite now or future right? :D So, on sunday, early morning, Ridhwan wakes up by humming the birthday song to himself..how cute! And he kept saying out loud, "partyy..partyy.." Yup, he knows what is going on...hehee....and is definitely looking forward to his small party! ;) So, here are some pics to show the event, Ridhwan was a bit emotional when we started singing the birthday song...god knows why..maybe cause he knows, his party will end with his father going off to overseas and that saddens him I suppose...alah, sian anak mama rindu dah kat ayah yea? ...hehee..but we still sang the birthday song to our heart desire and he cried to his heart desire too...hahahaa...reminds me of the song "It's my party and I cry if I want to, cry if I want to...." ..but, he did enjoy them in the end as he got to open presents and played with his twin cousins...thank you Pak Long, Auntie Jah, and Long's family for coming....we really appreciate that you could make it....jazakillah khairon....

Enjoy the pics....

Alahai comeinya anak mama duk simpuh pulak..heheee

Ridhwan was being a bit shy with his Wan Jah pulak...love his new cute chair..he likes it too!

Being shy and at the same time looking at his nenek...

Ridhwan having his food first before we had ours ;)

Tze foodies at tze table!!

We had my mom's delicious mee kari and some satay..

The lovely balloons my mom blew the night before! Go nenek Ridhwan..hehee

The twins at their own corner and 'special' table...

Some of the pressies..thank you everyone!

My last minute cake cause Bakers Cottage in Shah Alam couldn't make a children cake...the cake person apparently quit his job the day before I wanted to order!!..sigh...

But was compensated by my brother, he brought one cool cake instead! Yea! Thanks Long!

Ridhwan waiting for the cake cutting ceremony...in his new chair...

Yes, he was crying at this time, notice how the twins are more excited to eat the cake...hehee

Here we were singing to Ridhwan and trying to comfort and pacify him...while Shafeeq was helping himself to my mom's tiramisu..hahaahaa...

Happy 4th Birthday Ridhwan!!

2009-06-03T00:35:00.003+08:00

How time flies so fast and the next thing you know your son is soon reaching the age of going to school..yikes..that's scarring me right now...anyway, Alhamdulillah, 2nd June 2009 Ridhwan is now 4 years old...so many things have been endured by him throughout his 4 years of life and I pray that many good things will he be experiencing in years ahead, Insya-Allah...most of all, I pray so much to Allah for him to be a healthy child and lead a seizure free life one fine day..very soon hopefully ke...amin...amin...to my beatiful and wonderful son, I love you so much, there is not a day I ever regretted deciding to be a mother to a son like you, a wonderful boy and a joyous person as you are....Mama doa yang Allah sentiasa lindungi Ridhwan and semoga Ridhwan jadi anak yang soleh yang sihat dan berjaya di masa hadapan..lets show the world what a great man you'll be kay! ;)

Mama Ridhwan cutting the cake cause Ridhwan was crying away before that..

Oh, more pics to come soon..malas nak upload banyak2x malam nie...hubby just came back from overseas...bonding time for me, hubby and Ridhwan...heheehee... ;)

He had another seizure...sob...

2009-05-31T23:30:00.004+08:00

Seizure...what is a seizure??....truthfully, I always got confused between the term seizure and epilepsy...also sometimes to explain to people what is a seizure or epilepsy can be quite disheartening as many don't know much about it...or some don't even know about it...but i can't blame for other peoples ignorance as I was once an ignorant person myself before I had a special needs child...so to summarize what is a seizure or epilepsy is,I thought of sharing with you what are its definitions according to epilepsy.com ...which is a frequent viewed website when Ridhwan gets one of his seizure episodes...or fits...yes,yes, another term that people use is fits..hmmm...anyway...

Epilepsy is a neurological condition, which affects the nervous system. Epilepsy is also known as a seizure disorder. It is usually diagnosed after a person has had at least two seizures that were not caused by some known medical condition like alcohol withdrawal or extremely low blood sugar. Sometimes, according to the International League Against Epilepsy, epilepsy can be diagnosed after one seizure, if a person has a condition that places them at high risk for having another.

The seizures in epilepsy may be related to a brain injury or a family tendency, but most of the time the cause is unknown. The word "epilepsy" does not indicate anything about the cause of the person's seizures, what type they are, or how severe they are.

By: Carol Camfield, M.D. / Robert S. Fisher, M.D., Ph.D.

Does this make sense to you? Umm..more or less lah for me....hehehee... this now is the definition of a seizure...

A seizure is a sudden surge of electrical activity in the brain that usually affects how a person feels or acts for a short time. Seizures are not a disease in themselves. Instead, they are a symptom of many different disorders that can affect the brain. Some seizures can hardly be noticed, while others are totally disabling.

Topic Editor: Steven C. Schachter, M.D.

Okay, so in short, what I can understand is that if you got one time seizure only you won't be categorised as having epilepsy, but, if the seizures occurs again and again, then you are likely to have epilepsy or some called as epileptic or what not...so in this case, yes, ridhwan has epilepsy and mind you...he has had different types of seizures within his 4 years of life now...

So, from what I've seen and read he has had more than 3 types of seizures already...but overall it was in the primarily generalized seizure type...Primary generalized seizures begin with a widespread electrical discharge that involves both sides of the brain at once. Now, he has had absence seizures - brief episodes of staring. Another name for them is petit mal (PET-ee mahl). During the seizure, awareness and responsiveness are impaired. People who have them usually don't realize when they've had one. There is no warning before a seizure, and the person is completely alert immediately afterward....so, this seizure happened when he was less than a year old I think...where he would stare away into the distance as if wondering about his future or something..and so I thought!! Rupa-rupanya it was one of those silent seizure...oh my...

Then he also had what they called the myoclonic seizure..now for your information, most of the seizures that Ridhwan had before looked harmless and somewhat not so scarry like the seizures I'm sure most people are more familiar such as the falling down, and trembling like mad and excessice drooling and foamy drooling coming out...yes...ridhwan had one of this yesterday...and it scared the hell out of me! Sorry about the language...buut...from what our neuro paed explained...it is the myoclonic seizure that I should be more worried about...hmmmm...anyway, what is myoclonic seizure...

Myoclonic (MY-o-KLON-ik) seizures are brief, shock-like jerks of a muscle or a group of muscles. "Myo" means muscle and "clonus" (KLOH-nus) means rapidly alternating contraction and relaxation—jerking or twitching—of a muscle.

Ridhwan had this last year...it started around May or so..or earlier..darn my memory is so failing me these days...anyway, when I saw it first time, it looked as if someone who was in shocked as if going to fall from the bed where your hands is raised up in the air...Ridhwan was like that but as the definition says more of jerking...and it sort of got worse until he had to be warded in October last year for nearly 3 weeks...and it seems, that this particular seizure is a difficult one to cure or get rid of from what our neuro paed said..that scared me even more...but she was very positive about it and said Ridhwan had overcomed his fits for 2 years before and there is a chance he will have no more fits again...amin...I have to be positive about that...and I am....

Then, when we all thought the medication combination of Lamictal and Topomax is going to be it..he had an episode in december last year...just after 2 months being warded...now this is the tonic-clonic seizure..from what I read and understand lah....

This type is what most people think of when they hear the word "seizure." An older term for them is "grand mal." As implied by the name, they combine the characteristics of tonic seizures and clonic seizures. The tonic phase comes first: All the muscles stiffen. Air being forced past the vocal cords causes a cry or groan. The person loses consciousness and falls to the floor. The tongue or cheek may be bitten, so bloody saliva may come from the mouth. The person may turn a bit blue in the face. After the tonic phase comes the clonic phase: The arms and usually the legs begin to jerk rapidly and rhythmically, bending and relaxing at the elbows, hips, and knees. After a few minutes, the jerking slows and stops. Bladder or bowel control sometimes is lost as the body relaxes. Consciousness returns slowly, and the person may be drowsy, confused, agitated, or depressed.

Now...what Ridhwan had yesterday was clenching his teeth, excessive drooling and the arms and legs begin to jerk rapidly as if he was being shaken badly by someone....and from what my neuro paed has informed me many times...observe how long your child's fits occur...if more than 5 minutes, insert the rectal diazepam to stop the fits...somehow my neuro paed has entrusted me with this responsibility and confidence that if any seizures may occur with Ridhwan that lasts more than 5 minutes, do not go running around the house panicking or cry away like there is no tomorrow as what I need to do is put him to the side, while he is lying down and stop the seizure once and for all....and that's what I did....yup...I did that....but....Allah only knows how my heart nearly stopped seeing him in this condition as he was somewhat unconcious at times and part of his face was stiffening and drooping....a look I fear so much and dread seeing again after last years december episode....

Okay, let me just tell you what actually happened ya...yesterday I was happily chatting away with dear Chery about weddings and all and Ridhwan was as usual in his cot sleeping away...then suddenly, he woked up sitting down in his cot...looked at me...called out "Mama.."... then was drooling like no ones business...at first I thought, oh no, is he trying to get rid of his phlegm or something?? Then the drooling got a bit more...the fear hit me...oh no, oh no, please not a fits...not when hubby is away in the office....and so I told Chery that I had to go thinking some sliver was coming out of his mouth when it was the starting of a seizure..the first thing I did then was looked at the time, count Reenaz, count...how many minutes is this....and while doing that, struggled to get hold of Ridhwan's rectal diazepam in his cupboard next to his cot...got it...then it became just as I feared, looking a bit violent or rapid jerkings...I panicked...I quickly carried Ridhwan and rushed him to my mom's room and told my parents, "Ridhwan dapat fits!!" ...and that's when the commotion got even more lah kan...hahaha...okay, no reason to laugh about it....but after seeing its more than 5 minutes already, calling hubby couldn't, line was barred! Aiseh abang, tak bayar bill ka....and oh, what am I waiting for......so I inserted the rectal diazepam as have been done before and has always been dreaded before...sigh...

The seizure didn't really stop straight away....jerkings was there...facial expression was still stiff...but he was slowly wanting to doze away...sleepy....ya Allah, the medication is starting to work I hope...and soon enough, after I carried him in my arms...he was fast asleep in my arms in a very deep sleep....

All in all, the seizure episode on saturday really freaked me out...one the stiffening of the face....it looked so abnormal like as if someone pulling his face ..then the jerkings, repetitive scarrily looking movements...and the fact it didn't react fast to the medication, so wondering, oh my god, is it going to stop??!! And of course, hubby wasn't around..that made it even more scarry...it made me also think, at this rate, it still is so much safer to live with my parents with Ridhwan's condition despite having my own house....also hubby travels nearly every two weeks...gosh, imagine me all alone in that situation in my house and what if it had been more than 5 minutes cause then I'd had to rush to the hospital all my myself...

But thinking about this all is of no use at this point...as what I should be more concerned is the fact....darn it, it came again, meaning the due EEG this 16th June will pretty much summarise that there are still seizures in his brain and medications may either have to be increased or change...and so since Ridhwan is scheduled for an appointment with his pyhsiotherapist this wednesday, hubby and I have decided to see Dr. Sofiah too after the theraphy session...not wanting to wait any longer for any new episodes...oh no siree....nope....

What I learned now...as years passing by as a mother to a special needs child and an epileptic one too...I need to be equipped with knowledge....knowledge not just concerning how to give therapy to ridhwan but especially concerning seizures....cause you see, there doesn't seem to be only one type of seizures that Ridhwan has encountered....and what to do if he had any, too was very important....and so I urged parents out there whose child had seizures before please read up or better still ask your neuro paed to explain what your child had or having...knowing is an advantage as it may just save your child's life...and I need to know more....cause I still feel I know less...but most importantly, I pray to Allah so much that Ridhwan will be fits free one fine day...amin...cause I know he is such a smart boy and there is so much goodness in him to be shared with people out there...mama doa Ridhwan that Allah will always protect you and whatever that come our way, we go through it together one thing at a time kay...I love you Ridhwan.....

fuish...panjangnya tulis kali nie....hehehee....

Gals day out!

2009-05-19T01:28:00.005+08:00

Sunday, 17th May was one of my anticipated day cause it was booked especially to spend some time with my darling gals for a birthday outing....usually lunch or dinner....and this time around it is for dear Loges the new mummy to Meera Tioe. Loges birthday was actually in April but since she was in confinement at that time and just delivered, it was best for her to finish her confinement before going out to have fun with her wacky and umm..noisy friends?? hehee...

This time around, our little outing or date was held in Alamanda, Putrajaya..I was quite delighted to go there as it was ages since I've been to that shopping complex...it then made me recalled the good old days when the four musketeers would dash in the cute little kelisa or satria for lunch on Fridays..at that time I was working in Serdang so Alamanda was not too far away..or was it...oh well, its a Friday anyway, who wants to stay at the office...and we were getting sick and tired of going to Mines anyway...hahaa...

Well, I really can't remember when was the last time I went to Alamanda but thought, okay I know my way there...used to go there once...should be okay..besides the other two gals would probably know since they travel a lot more, unlike me where my route is home to SDMC and SDMC to home every week....well, so much for that!! ..cause it seems the other two have never been there at all!! Haa??!! Haahaahaa...and so initially we got a bit lost in Putrajaya and since the last time I was in Putrajaya a lot more buildings have come up..my bearing was at its worst...buuut after much commotion in the car and GPS and all...we finally reached there...thank god! Not too late too! Hehehe...

We had lunch at one of the restaurants in Alamanda and which I think I have not been to in years...yes everyone, this shows how much I don't go out anymore right...well that's the part and parcel of being a mother which I actually don't have much complains...home is where the heart is right? ;) ....well, we sat...we ordered but one thing we forgot ...to lower down our beautiful voices...hehee..yes, you see when girlfriends get together especially when they have known each other since school, its hard to lower down your voices and not sound excited with whatever is happening to each other...I think many people would had given us the glare...which ignorantly was not noticed by us...hahaa...sorilah yea sapa2x yang dengar these ladies talking a bit loud...but truthfully, I can't help it or we can't help it as this is how we are and its just so nice to see everyone at one time and update each other about everything when you hardly see each other unlike school days last time...so please excuse us for being loud or noisy or actually happy and delighted...hehee...

To my lovely ladies, thanks for a lovely lunch outing! This mother really looks forward to this outing every birthday and always wish could do it more often actually....so looking forward for our next outing or birthday event...love you gals to bits! Friends forever!!

From left: Me, Aliza, Chery and Loges...belin was taking this picture..

From left: Me, Belinda, Chery and Loges

Pre-writting skills...

2009-05-19T00:18:00.005+08:00

You know, as someone who considers herself 'normal' in terms of physical and mental, it never occured to me that writttng skills for a special needs child or brain injured as Glenn Doman would always refer to, would be quite difficult and take many many many many practices to master it and where we take for granted for our so-called 'normal' ways of holding a pen and learn to write...so before I begin the story of my 'oh darn it I so have to work harder now, to make sure he can write!!'....I'd like mothers out there whom have children to give a biiig kiss to that precious beautiful head of their child that stores one of the most precious and valuable organ in his/her body...that is the brain...and most of all be so thankful to god that no matter how your child may drive you nuts at times or how tiring it is to take care of them, know it in your heart that your biggest worries about them going to school is not really much of a worry actually cause Insya-Allah they'll do fine and most of all, the ability to use that cute little hands of theirs to write on a piece of paper will come automatically and will be used with much delight and happiness by them...

So this is where my journey or story pulak starts as I learn the hard way...or maybe have known but was concentrating more on other parts of the body that I forgot that there is more to learn and know....hmm, my midwife was right...should write a book about this kan...who knows...one fine day....hehee...ooh, by the way I loved that movie...oops...getting sidetracked...hehehe...

The story starts last Friday when we had our bi-weekly session with our so sweet occupational therapy or in short OT. Ridhwan's OT is very nice and sweet and on top of that, quite knowledgeable too! For someone young, she sure has amazed me with her experiences and most of all her knowledge. Which of course is good lah kan, cause it would then benefit me a lot! Anyway, as usual we would be doing our usual therapy session, playing with the thera-puty or sticky as Ridhwan calls it...hehe..it is actually something like playdoh but oh so much better cause it can come of easily by just using itself to clean away the thera-putty away...one of its advantages is to strengthen your grip..using Thera Putty can also help with the rehabilitation of injuries to your fingers, hands, and forearm muscles by simply squeezing and moving the putty in your hands. There are 5 different levels of resistance to choose from and to help build up your hand muscles. Here are some pictures to show an example.....

One ways of using the thera-putty

See how one can actually stretch it without breaking it

Different colour coded thera-putty with its different resistance

Thus, our OT would be doing some exercise to strengthen Ridhwan's grip and make his left hand be more usable by pulling the thera-putty that was stucked to his right hand...and so we have been doing this for some time already until our OT said that today lets do some writting exercises and I said okay, would be just like Shichida. Then, she took out another cool thing which was some plastic cards where we could use a special crayon to write onto it and then later just use water to wash it away. The key word here is recycable!! Trust me, when you are a mother who is 'forcing' her child to write a lot you need recycable materials definitely! So as usual, Ridhwan was not into holding the crayon, holding it then throwing it away, make him hold it again...throw it away....then the OT said, 'Okay, never mind, time to give homework!' I was like, what??!! Heehe...not that I hate homework, but you see when you have a child who doesn't really know how to hold a pencil and is given 'homeworks' monthly..umm this is from shichida ya...hehee...you'll be like, okay, hope this is not going to be one of those, in the end the mama finishes his homework...hahaa...yes, I do that sometimes...baaad mother...but i can't help it sometimes cause there's so much other things I need to do for Ridhwan you know...but he does most of his homework anyway....really!! ;) ... and so the OT gave 2 pieces of paper and said, go home and practice doing this ya...and I was like, hmm..what's this and on the top of the 1st piece of paper writes 'Assessment for pre-writting skills' and followed by simple pictures that Ridhwan needs to practice and acquire the ability to copy the pictures...and then it hit me...oh my god, he has a hard time holding a pencil and he has to draw that horizontal line??!!! okay Reenaz, you have got to do something pronto woman!!!...and to scare me even more, it writes there the normal age a child could actually draw a horizontal line is 2 years old!! What??!! He is going to be 4 for goodness sake!! Then it hit me again, now it make sense why Shichida forces their children to write at such a young age....oh my...oh me oh my...eh that sound like bunnytown...oops sidetrack again...:P

So, I realise a bit late, or maybe not I hope...that Ridhwan needs pronto full speed ahead therapy on his fingers and hands to ensure he would be able to write soon..or fast for that matter!! And so the quest to find out what this pre-writting skills is all about is being looked out now...darn I'm so angry with bookshops in Malaysia...hampehs big time!! You see, being a special needs mummy, yes you rely on the internet for info and ideas to help your child, but its nothing compared to reading a book and getting hard facts from reputable people and writers which you sometimes question when reading a website that talks about the condition your children is...but sad to say, our country lacks in this area big time...really big time...this reminds me when I called a bookshop one day asking if they had a book on Cerebral Palsy...the guy who answered was very nice actually, not knowing how to spell Cerebral Palsy, I spelled it to him nicely and he told me to wait and check in the system and he said 'I'm sorry, its not in our system...do you have any other books you'd like to find?' ..And so since he was really nice attending to my needs, I gave him 2-3 more titles of books on cerebral palsy and 'not to my surprise' there was none in his system...by that time, he somehow sounded feeling bad that they had no book of that title at all and asked why did I want the book..and so in short I told, I have a child with cerebral palsy and so I'd like to read a book about it...and somehow from his voice he sounded even more upset and must have felt bad that there was no book at all on CP in Malaysia at the moment and felt helpless...poor guy, I said its okay, not his fault...he did then say I could order and I said, ya I know, but you see I'd rather see the book itself first and check its contents before ordering it or buying it so I know its a book worth buying....so the moral of the story...our society is still not a reading society and most of all it shows how unaware and unexposed our society is concerning special needs society...and that really saddens me that day..and so I was criticising our bookshops and libraries to my husband the whole night that day...hehe..sian abang kena dengar wife dia membebel and kutuk the lack of knowledge our society can be at times...sigh...

Anyway, that should not be an issue to me right now as I have a bigger important task at hand to overcome...but never mind, I have seen a boy who had meningitis as a baby and due to that he was considered CP but now is 5 years old and one look you'd never know he had meningits once and is CP as he could talk well and one thing that amazed me was his ability to write so well and count so well after all the things he had gone through...but one advantage he has is he is well taken off in a special school in australia that emphasises their special needs children to be able to go to a normal school at the age where your child will enter school...which as usual this oh so beautiful country is lacking....hmm...but who cares, I'll do it my way somehow...as it is, our neuro paed has pressured me that she wants Ridhwan to enter a normal school regardless his condition...and I for that matter, prays very hard that he will and believe he will...he must!! But that also means pure hard work for me from now on..slacking is a big no! no!! ...oh me oh my...:D

All I can say, I pray to Allah to give me strength to do what is best for Ridhwan everyday, every hour and every minute if possible..I'm only human and I do slack and get lazy at times...but I pray that most of the time I work hard and do what's best for Ridhwan as it is an ibadah what I'm doing for him, Insya-Allah and may Allah redha it....amin....so Ridhwan my dear...we have a looong way to go but we can do it my dear, cause I'm not going to give up and have never ever given up ...and if I could overcome my Masters while taking care of you last time and yet scored with flying colours...will give ourselves flying colours results too okay my dear Ridhwan and one day give ourselves a 'standing' ovation for it ya...amin...wallahualam...

Digital scrapbooking...

2009-05-13T11:30:00.004+08:00

Just trying out these digital scrapbook thingy that everyone seems to be into these days...I love scrapbooking but sometimes don't really have the time but I still love looking at scrapbook designs and books, oh and of course the buying part too! Hahhaa..but yes, time sometimes is a constraint to me despite being a stay -at-home mum...seriously, I think I have more work ever since I stayed at home...but more at peace lah ...digital scrapbooking was something I have always wanted to explore but never found the right designs that I like, also I'm more into paper scrapbooking cause I like the joy of cutting coloured papers, doing stamps, stickers and embellishment and what not...but since I saw this website, I thought, oh heck, why not try one..so here is my first digital scrapbook layout! Alah, copy and paste je pun...hehee...

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T00:12:00.008+08:00

Happy Mother's Day to all mummies out there! And definitely grandma's too and great grandma's as well!...cause without these great women, there would not be great mummies out there!! Most of all, Happy Mother's Day to my own mama!!!...my dear mama that has sacrificed for me soooo much all these years and never have asked anything in return but a prayer from a solehah daughter...amin..insya-Allah...Anyway, Happy Mother's Day to me too! Haahaahaa...when I think back, I may not be the greatest mum out there but I think today I deserve a pat on the back for being a mama to Ridhwan with my weaknesses and some of my strength ...I think all mummies out there deserves a pat on the back and a great big hug for a great job done because going through 9 months of pregnancy and labour is a god given gift that only mothers will experience and can embrace it.... So mothers out there, wether you'll be celebrating this once a year day for us or may not even celebrate as if you don't exist at all cause you'd be too busy with house chores and daily tasks that today is just another Sunday to you....you are a mother, you are blessed with a child...and so if no one remembers this day and especially those who remember this day...lets thank god that you have gotten through another year with its ups and downs in raising your child and pray that god will give you another wonderful year to endure with lots of happiness, fulfillment and love in raising your wonderful children out there! As for special mummies out there with special needs children always remember that god is with you, and despite your difficulties and hardships that you face each day, you are blessed as you are given the priviledge to be a mother which many women may not have the opportunity to experience at all ...and you know what? you are also very special.!.so love your special needs child endlessly, give her/him a huge hug today like you've never given them cause they deserve it and most of all you deserve it too special mummy...Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Full Moon Meera! (Loges' daughter)

2009-05-08T22:47:00.013+08:00

On 26th March 2009, I received an sms from a dear friend that she has safely delivered a baby girl!! At last, after all the waiting and anxiousness, Loges finally welcomed her darling daughter into her world at Pantai Medical Centre. I nearly couldn't visit her that night as no one could take care of Ridhwan but thank god, my mom finally agreed to take care of Ridhwan and so around 8.30 pm ++ we drove to Pantai to visit the new mummy and daughter :D Welcome to the world Meera! When I looked at Meera that night, I was so touched and realised how I've forgotten how small a newborn is and how fragile and so adorable they are..made me wish I want another one soon...hehee..I was also so tempted to carry her but since she was so sound asleep amidst all our laughing and talking, such a good baby! So, I decided not to wake her up or scare the new mummy by waking up her daughter! Heheee....Anyway, it was really nice to see Loges and her daughter safe and sound while her hubby was photo catching all the way, sigh, we new parents tend to do that a lot kan! Hahhaa....

Anyway, on 25th April I had the priviledge to be invited to Meera Tioe's full moon party at Loges' hubby's home in PJ. So this time, Ridhwan had a chance to visit the new baby too! It was a good experience too cause Ridhwan has not been around babies that often and so this would be a good experience for him for future siblings? Hmm..hehhee...So, these are some pictures of the proud mummy and us. We were so darn early that Loges just reached the house when we got there...sorry ah Loges....Oh and some of the pics are a bit blur...still trying to play around with the dslr...tricky camera ya....so enjoy the pics and once again, congrat to Loges and welcome to the mummies club!!

Introducing baby Meera Tioe!

Mummy Loges and her baby girl

Mama Reenaz and Ridhwan pun nak posing jugak..hehee

Ridhwan getting a bit agitated so ayah had to carry him for awhile

Proud grandparent and parents with one month old baby girl...awww....

Picture of me and newborn baby and new mummy on 26th March 2009...cool digital frame...would love one of this in my house one day..hint..hint hubby...

With Belin and Juan...they too came early to see the baby :D

Me, Ridhwan, Belinda and Loges

Ridhwan's target....

2009-05-05T00:11:00.004+08:00

Today we went to our...umm..once it was weekly, then it was, monthly, then it was bi-monthly and then we had weekly again..and then tri-monthly...and so this was our tri-monthly follow up check up with our neuro paed...yes, there was a time, I saw our paed nearly every week and it was really painful for me cause his fits was getting no where...but alhamdulillah, after his last fits episode last year, everything was normal...amin....

Sooo, today we met Ridhwan's very dedicated neuro paed, and alhamdulillah this time my hubby could come along, there were many times our visit there was with me and my mom only...so it was really nice to have my hubby come along and hear what our neuro paed has to say about Ridhwan's progres...alhamdulillah, she was happy that Ridhwan can actually walk if he wants too...no botox please!! ...yes, botox everyone...my son was given the option to inject himself with some botox to help straighten his foot because he was tip-toeing or as our therapist calls it, ballerina gaits....i thinks that's how you spell that word....anyway, Ridhwan has always had what they call, sensory problem...sensory here deals with how ridhwan feels towards certain things...or in short...his touch sensors...its very sensitive! Due to that, he doesn't like to touch my hand that much or even allow himself to be touched at his hand...body somehow okay pulak..and he is very sensitive on his feets...and because of that, his brain, as what dr and therapist have been telling me, sends message to his brain the feeling of uneasiness when he feels things on his hand and his feet...so that comes the so called ballerina gait or in layman terms, tip toeing....I have actually seen a young boy tip toeing in his shoes in one mall, walking tip toeing on the escalator..i was amazed as I knew Ridhwan too doesn't want his feet fall flat on the floor and has the problem of allowing us to straighthen the foot at times...so seeing the boy being able to walk with tip toe really startled and amazed me...but I know, that is not an option for Ridhwan and he really needs to learn how to walk properly and by addressing that issue, we would be addressing his sensory issues...

So back to the word, botox....yup...botolineum something something right...most of us would know botox as injecting into ones face so one could look pretty and have nice ..umm..young face?? or whatsoever...but as ignorant as some may be..they are actually injecting some sort of poison into their own face just for the sake of beauty....sigh...BUT, for special needs children, botox may actually help to ease their life by enabling them to sit, stand or in the case of Ridhwan...walk! Yup, but because being muslims, it seems that Botox is a non-halal substance..yup people, next time you want to inject yourself, think twice as botox it seems has some haram ingredients in it...so our neuro paed gave us another options...called Dysport..you see, for a normal person like us, when botox is injected into the face, the muscle of our face tightens instead of sagging as it already is...however, for special needs people, it works the other way...instead of tightening the muscle, it relives the muscle, so we may massage or exercise or better known is therapy the muscle, such as calf muscle or ankle muscle to allow it to relax and like in Ridhwan's case, enables the leg to be straigthen and not be in a tip toe position when trying to stand or walk....so this was what our neuro paed wanted to do for Ridhwan....I know she means well, but after having inserting a PEG-tube in Ridhwan, I sort of, how to say it, serik..yes that's the word serik nak inject or insert any more foreign things into ridhwan so comel precious body...but of course, i can't be thinking about how I feel and need to think what's best for Ridhwan right....so intially I will smile whenever our neuro paed suggests it but never saying, 'yes dr! lets do it!'...and so I pushed myself to try and make that feet of Ridhwan to straighten as much as possible and just now, Ridhwan proved to the paed that he can walk when he wants too and he may not need botox at all...amin..amin...BUT, yes there's that but word again, she gives him until end of the year to actually really walk...aiyaaak!!! Truthfully my target was June...hehee..yup, that was my so-called target but as we know, kita merancang Allah yang maha tentukan kan....so far, well, he's learning to walk but to walk independently, it would be a real miracle to walk independently by June...however, I've seen miracles happen to Ridhwan kan....so mana tahu, wallahualam kan....thought, this time, I'm setting my target to be latest before Raya...why Raya? cause it would be a wonderful Raya gift for Ridhwan's grandparents in Ipoh to see their grandchild be able to walk...and also since I've written this in my blog, I have no choice to work hard to achieve this! Amin...amin...amin....tapi tu lah, we plan, Allah decides it kan.....so one target being implemented right now...

Target no. 2....his eye-sight....Ridhwan has what they call it a lazy eye...or as many would know in malay, juling or squint, umm okay, squint is not in malay, hehee...we have seen many opthalmologist and I must say, the fourth is the lucky one! Hahaha...ya rite...fourth....two out of the four eye doctors we saw was so discouraging that I felt like strangling them for being so discouraging and giving no hope at all towards ridhwan's condition and we as parents too....but this fourth one is the best...he knows his job and he knows how to deal with children and he knows what special needs children go through and how the brain works that deals with why certain things that the children undergoes happens and how it affects the eye sight too...and also, he was the one finally to teach me ho to use the eye patch...yup, Ridhwan is a pirate now! Captain jack sparrow!! hahhaa....no, my son is no jack sparrow and he will not be a pirate...maybe looks like one ya ;) hehee...so thanks to the eye patch thingy, Ridhwan's eye sight has seen some improvement and hopefully even better....amin....but, he needs glasses..oh well, nowdays, its not uncommon to see them with glasses right...though it is sad lah, for those normal children that is...but for Ridhwan, its something that could not be avoided....and so his power is somewhat okay, aroung 100 plus like that...but his astig of my....is veeeery high....hmmmm....so, the thing is now, Ridhwan has sensory issues, hates to be touch at the fingers and hand, won't put down his foot properly AND...hates having anything on his face such as wiping face with wet towel or putting on a cap on the head...soooo automatically, any foreign thing on face or head will be thrown away happily by Ridhwan :D ...which doesn't help of course lah kan...so now, I need to deal with this sensory problem, by giving him more and more 'facial' massage to him...yes, for girls who have tried facials before, its just like that you know! Hehehe...we of course would love facials right? but for my dear Ridhwan...its a big no! no! ...so now, with dealing with this facial sensory issue as fast as I can, i will be able to make Ridhwan wear his glasses as often as possible..and hopefully rectify his eye sight as best as we can..that too, targeted to overcome fully by the end of the year....hmmm.....

Next, target no. 3!! Mari belajar menulis! ....yes, our paed has once again, reminded me or ugut me, as i sometimes feel she's doing, which actually I am so very thankful to have her doing that to me....hehee...she has told me to make Ridhwan hold a pen or pencil and learn how to wrute as she expects him to go to a normal school when he comes to the age of going to a normal school...hmm...yes, sensory issues again.....and so, more hand games, or finger games or in shichida as they say, finger training....and means, more therapy, and more...and more....

With all this sensory issues, it makes me realise, how ungrateful I am and how we take for granted our sensors that was given to us by our creator and how shallow we are not realising that the brain is the most powerful organ in our body and one little damage to it can cause so much unstability in our so-called normal body of us...who'd knew that there are cases where children or even adults, who just couldn't feel the joy of touch we feel when we first touch our babies when they came out into our world or even hold our husbands hand right after akad nikah, you know that feeling of comfort and reassurance of a touch...yes....the sensors of touch...how we or mostly I never realise its powerful usage to just even do normal things, like holding a pen, wiping our sweat on our forehand or walking on a sandy beach ....so my friends, do appreciate that sensors call touch..touch your children a lot, touch your husband or wife...oops..hehee ...or just enjoy our sensors that god has given us cause there are so many out there whom has never felt them or lost them somehow....so may Alllah give me abundant of strength to remind myself this everyday, to enable me to fully work hard to make Ridhwan reach this 3 targets...Insya-Allah...also as my rehab doctor would always say...enjoy your child as much as you can despite many difficulties he and maybe we go through..cause at the end of the day...he is my darling little boy and I love him soo much and I only want whats best for him...wallahualam...

I'm back!

2009-04-19T22:20:00.004+08:00

Gosh, it has been quite some I've not written in my blog here....have not been too far away from the blog world actually..just kept quiet for some time by reading peoples blog but was so darn lazy to write in my own...hehee...

Anyway, after Ridhwan was warded in the hospital last year in October I was just not in the mood to write or tell any stories....yup...he was warded...my biggest fear hit me...but alhamdulillah he is fine now....though, last syawal had to be the worst syawal I've ever experienced as I spent nearly 3 weeks in SDMC of formerly known as SJMC paed ward...and Ridhwan's fits was at its worst at that time...I was crying nearly every other day..or was it everyday..hmm..can't seem to remember that though...mana taknya, Ridhwan had to go through 6 times..or was it 7..hmm..shows that I don't really want to remember what happened ya....anyway, Ridhwan has to be inserted the IV for 6 times as his IV line could only last 1 day!!! and mind you, he had to have an IV in his oh so small cute little veins as his fits was coming and going nearly everyday...so he needed fast reaction to stop the fits entirely.....sigh....anyway, thanks so much to friends who came to visit, Belin and Juan, Chery, Hani, Syida and Shahril, Ayin and Ian...and also thanks to friends for the sms(s) and calls for words of comfort and support...but I must admit, that time, it was the hardest for me to see Ridhwan being warded...probably because he is bigger so he shows more pain and upset unlike when he was younger...his emotions was clearly seen and the fact that 6 times being poked by the needle!! That was a bit too mucnh for me....but we had to do it cause he needed fast medication....When I think back, it was also sad that my parents had to 'tapau' open house food for me and hubby since we were stuck in SJMC that time and couldn't enjoy the yearly open house that we have initially planned to go to...as they say, semua ketentuan Allah, kita merancang Allah yang tentukan...however, I'm am so glad we were in good hands, our ever dedicated neuro paed...without her, I don't know how else we could have made the fits stop....she is one dedicated neuro paed and I salute her so much for her dedication and determination in treating her child patients...thank you dear dr....

Well...enough of the sad story...despita what happened last year...alhamdulillah Ridhwan has progressed so much now! He is learning how to walk much better now...he has learn to hold himself up in his cot and stand by himself!! Yeaa ridhwan!! And he is also learning to cruise! Wooohoo! Though, now the only thing that is stopping him from walking perfectly is his tip toeing which I am working hard to address that issue by using his AFO....hmmmm.....Vocal wise, he is yakkity yaking everyday with me! Heehee...not only that, he knows dual languange these days, which my rehad dr. is very pleased as she has mention this so many times to me that, most children like ridhwan will be quite late in their speech...but not my Ridhwan ;) Oh no, not Ridhwan, his mama will make him talk! Heeheee...macam slave driver aje bunyinya yea...but as they say, no pain, no gain...I can't just be sitting around waiting for a miracle to happen when lots of work need to be done kan...Insya-Allah....

So, more work to me, continuous work and news ones too..even our neuro paed is giving me new 'work' to do...alamak dr, such high expectations you have towards me ke? ...Insya-Allah I'll try me best for Ridhwan's sake...and well maybe for others too ya...Insya-Allah...these are some recent photos of Ridhwan having fun! Till then, will write more about his updates and going ons in my life soon ya....ciao!

Ridhwan at KLCC park

Ridhwan playing his piano!

I'm on an emotional roller coaster and its draining me slowly...

2008-10-13T23:37:00.002+08:00

Decisions...decisions...this one word that many parents in the world have to use and implement to their children and sometimes wonder if the final decision they made is the best for their children or not....

Pass few weeks have been very emotional to me as Ridhwan's fits is not getting any better....if I had it my way, I am sick and tired of forcing medications after medications down Ridhwan's stomach...yes stomach not throat cause it goes directly into the PEG tube....and I so want him to be fits/epilepsy free...hmm...which parent in my shoe doesn't right...

We even had to postpone our trip back to Ipoh as I got freaked out that he had it at least once a day, so instead of going back on saturday we postpone it on sunday...our paed also increased the dosage and said to monitor him closely...if anything give her a call...and alhamdulillah, he didn't get it in Ipoh! So, I was finally relieved that maybe this medication is working, at last!!

Though, to my dissapointment when we got back to KL...it got worse..exhaustion was one major contribution to the fits too...but despite not going anywhere after that...more milk..more food...more sleep..he had it....and after seeing the paed last wednesday...it got even worse!!

The paed was worried...i could see she was upset about this...heck, aren't we all!! And she actually asked us to ward Ridhwan last week...but i refused...which I don't know if its the best 'decision' we made...so she said, bring him home...increase the dosage, monitor him..and she gives until this friday...sigh....however, whether I like it or not....hubby and I have decided that if there is no significant improvement by tomorrow...to SJMC we go....huwaaa....

Many people are asking why am I still not warding him...how do I explain myself ya...ummm...phobia? freaked out? avoiding other diseases or flu that he may be susceptible to in the ward? minimising his phobia to more tests? more drawing of his blood??

Ya Allah...he is only 3 years old..and when I think back the things he had gone through since 4 days old...which mother would not refuse to let her child be in the ward again...my dear son is such a darling...during all his stay in the hospital last time..he has never complain, never fought back with me or even the paed or the nurses....despite the amount of time they poke him with needles after needles...he could still smile at me and giving out so much love to us...how could i? how could I want to bring him there again when now he has progressed so much....how do I tell him that we may be here...god knows, more than a week??? what combination of medications is the paed goin to use this time when we have tried so many already?? Phenobarbital, Phenytoin, Clonazepam, Lamictal, Vigabatrin, Epilim and now Clobazam with Topamax.....and the tests...EEG...blood test....I know..I know...the main thing is to stop the fits once and for all...but I just don't have the heart to see or allow him to be in that situation again despite agreeing that warding him may be the best solution now...is it?

My biggest fear is him being exposed to other sickness and whatever in the air in the ward cause he has progressed so well..ya Allah, his milestones despite a bit delayed has been the best thing that has happend to me the pass 2 years...his vocalisation...his motor skills development...has been the greatest achievement for me and and especially him so far....and what scares me the most, I have heard too many stories about special children like Ridhwan reverting back to old times, loosing or forgetting whatever skills they may have acquired already...tak mau! tak mau sangat2x....I have worked so hard to ensure his motor skills, fine and gross is as much as possible if not at par with his age group at least not too behind..and his speech progress has been the joy of my life as he endlessly without fail everyday tells me..."Mama...I wuv(love) you..." ..sometimes screaming, " Mamaaaa!! I wuv you!!" ......

BUT...yes the but..I know, fits are bad...and the last things is to prolong it cause god knows how it'll affect his brain...but that is what I'm feeling now...decisions..decisions...all I know, I must doa to Allah more and more and hope for the very best that Ridhwan will be fine again and most of all be Ridhwan's strength and hope as who else makes him smile and laugh but his mama which he says to everyday....I wuv you...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin...

2008-10-13T23:28:00.004+08:00

Yes, I know..I know...its already half of Syawal but I think its still not too late to wish everyone a blessed Syawal and most of all Maaf Zahir dan Batin ya ;o) This Raya we went back to my hubbies hometown in Ipoh and by 2nd Raya was back in Shah Alam already...it was a joyous raya this year, visiting Parit to get keropok ikan bilis for hubby's mom, then visited hubby's tok's house which was very touching and heartbreaking all in one...then of course visiting my brother-in-law's new house! and then back to KL to celebrate with my family...but despite the joy and excitement it wasn't exactly great as Ridhwan's fit started getting more...sigh..that I shall post more later ya...so now, lets just enjoy the Syawal while it last...have a blessed raya to every muslim out there!!

I hope I'm strong enough..again...

2008-08-25T23:04:00.003+08:00

Today was a normal day for me..the usual routine..wake up, ridhwan wakes up together....calls out "mama"...mintak "NYANYI!!!"...fine, switch on the cd player....gave him milk...gave him a bath....played with him...gave him his lunch...gave him milk again..force him to sleep!! ..cause his cousins were here..and as usual...since he asks about them everyday, every hour, every minute, I decided to let him see them before their weekly piano lessons next door to my mom's house...but again, one of the twins will be screaming away excitedly and ridhwan would cry....you see, he's not use to loud noise or sounds...wait, correction...he laughs when he hears the thunder!! ...let me rephrase...he's not use to hear people screaming or talking to loudly...I guess he feels that they might be angry with him but in actual fact, some people just talks loudly and you know kids, they talk and play loudly!!..hehee...so after pacifying him after a few minutes, I decide...that's it..time to sleep my dear...and he did...slept soundly after I placed him in his bed....the best sight this mother enjoy everyday IS to see her child sleeping soundly in his bed...such bliss....awww....

Then, the twins came back...I played with them for awhile and thought, better check up on my son now..wondering if he's still asleep....and there I saw it.....yes, the dreaded jerks and flop of the head!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ...ya Allah..when I saw the signs of mild..very mild fits/epilepsy...but still its a fits..I just couldn't help myself crying and quickly rush to the cupboard to grab hold on the rectal tube fits medication or commonly known in the hospital as Diazepam...ever since he was placed in the ICU in SJMC at 4 days old nearly 3 years ago, I have been carrying this diazepam in my handbag without fail...always fearing if ever he has fits when we are on the move or just out on a stroll, the diazepam is just an inch away from my hand to be placed directly into his rectum..sigh...

But...I made sure if was real fits...denial is so easy isn't it...when you really don't want something..you just wish it away or hope it'll go away..and so it took me a few minutes to really see or accept...it was a fit!...or a few fits...so then I quickly carried him and into my arms, calling out his name several times, hoping he'd be aware of his suroundings again..and he did...but yawned exhaustedly too....and went back to sleep....my darling...sian Ridhwan...

I just cried even more while carrying him in my arms...you see, its been nearly 2 years now that he was fits free...ever since he had pneumonia in 2006 and the doctor decided to make him use the PEG-tube, he was fits free..also it was also because he probably got the right fits medication that worked for him..and so for nearly 2 years...my life was sort of stable again...but most of all, stress free from worrying about the constant every 2 weeks or once a month visit to his neurologists in SJMC..but then it came again...it came back!

In May he had it again..the flops came..then...again, i was in denial..refuse to accept that he was having fits but being a mom, you get worried very easily when something just doesn't seem right about your child..and true enough, when we met up with his paed cum neurologists...and after some blood test and the awful EEG that made Ridhwan cried like mad..was probably even fitting during it! ...the paed@neurologist clarified Ridhwan as having fits again....nooooo.....

And so came the once dreaded episode of testing which dosage was suitable for ridhwan...the current Topamax (fits medication) was increased..and to make me feel even worse again...she added another fits medication called Clobazam...I know its for his sake too..but I guess it got to me real bad as the plan was to slowly tail down the medications in July and take it off once and for all...but then you know, just like his name...Ridhwan...redha...yes, kita kena redha dengan semua ketentuan Allah....I finally see, why I had chosen his name to be Ridhwan...it made me realise in everything I do or happens I must redha pada Allah...and I am...but being a normal human being and only want the best for her child....one can't help being worried and thinking..this is something I really don't want to go through again....but I must redha...

I've been through worse situations right....so I hope I'm strong enough...or actually I am stronger...right now, I just doa to Allah a lot that Ridhwan will eventually be fits free and have no fits attack at all....insya-Allah...amin...perkenankanlah doa ku ini Ya Allah..hambamu serahkan segala-galanya pada Mu....

Gisele Jaquenod...

2008-08-24T01:22:00.003+08:00

May Yee...I saw your updated blog and couldn't help loving the blog design!! So I had a look at the designer's website and fell in love with her designs immediately! So I change my blog design also...like you! We like the same type of designs ya...sweet and nice...like you also! Hehee....

Sidetracked....

2008-08-19T23:56:00.003+08:00

Sigh...I think I've been sidetracked too long...what am I doing? Why am I continuing being like this...have I not learned from the past..have I not learn anything at all? ....Sigh...Hmm..sighing is not going to make it better too!

I've sidetracked long enough...priorities are important....duties is utmost importance too....why should I continue being that way, when I should be in another way...following another path....or actually my path have already been placed before me...

Too long I've allowed myself in denial...sidetracked myself so easily when the real truth is right in front of me to embark and embrace!

Enough sidetracked! Determine your priorities, your wants and your needs...stop feeling sorry for yourself and chin up once and for all!

No more sidetracking for me...no more being sidetracked with all the luxuries of the world, the lure of the technology world, the unnecessary needs that does not really matter...

No!!...no more sidetracks for me!!...once and for all I shall stand tall and even taller than before...yes, no more sidetracks...no more...no more...

Begone sidetrack!!!

Beading galore...

2008-08-02T00:18:00.003+08:00

Recently I have taken interest on a new hobby called beading...I was always fascinated with bracelets...even dear hubby bought a few bracelets for me long time ago made out of chip gemstones and glass beads. Ever since then I've always like buying bracelets such as those. However, recently a dear friend, Belinda introduced me to her passion of beading and I have even bought a few from her and was lucky enough to get one free on my birthday! Thanks Belin!

Ever since that, my interest and curiosity on beading build up like mad! Being a mother who gives her fulltime to her son's need limits her time to go out and shop around for bead shops...and to her sadness too...some of the bead shops that Belin mentions does not open on Sunday..which is the one full day that I could drag my hubby to drive me around...out of Shah Alam!

So, lucky me, recently as I was aimlessly surfing on the internet, I came across a beading shop website that sells beads ..and it is based in Malaysia! And even better was based in KL! Being an ardent fan of online shopping these days..thanks to my scrapbooking hobby these days...I decided to check out the website and try to buy some beads to see how fast they deliver...well, it was fast! And there starts another hobby! Woohoo!!

Actually, the interest started a few years back when I went back to Ipoh, my hubby's hometown where my sis-in law and I came across a beading shop..but at that time, all I could think of was doing wooden beads and I was still doing my masters..and so the hobby was actually left in the cupboard to catch dust! Hahaha...

Well, so much for that, now I can finally start doing it more with tools that dear hubby has so kindly acquired even without asking...and he even bought a 'tool box' which again, I never asked him to buy for me! Saaayang abang!!...to start on my new hobby which for now is more for self-satisfaction and pleasure...but then again, who knows, could I try it out as a business??...hmm, we'll see ;o)

My first bracelet..using new and old beads...some cheap ones...some swarovski

In a little pouch where I keep all my bracelets

The 'tool box' hubby bought especially for me!!

Some of my collections...glass beads, swarovski and wooden beads...

Another angle of the 'tool box'

Hobbies?

2008-08-01T23:47:00.003+08:00

Ever since I've finished my masters and have more time to myself, and of course Ridhwan, I've been slowly going back to what I love most...arts and crafts....yup, this once computer engineer is boldly going to another area of interest that has been put aside for quite some time now..

Actually, the passion and interest of arts and crafts was started way back in school days...yup, way back in primary! Most of the crafts I did was for self use, boxes to put things, pencil cases and so forth...it was just one of the things that I really enjoyed doing...my so-called creative side...but as the years past by..and especially since I was in the science stream the time was not really spend on it...and also probably was more worried about SPM! But, the passion never died..still bought arts and crafts books and took the time to try some projects for friends such as cards...even went to art shop at Central market KL..wonder if it still exist..maybe...but once again...it just stopped there....

When I was in Uni, the time for crafts was even scarce ..as undergraduate time as they say is the hardest and most challenging time for a student..and of course it was the time to just hang out with good friends after classes and well just enjoying your uni life while you can!!..sheesh, one wonders when do i study then ya? hahahaa....then, the working phase came in...even no time at all to do any crafts projects!!..and I was itching and missing it badly but still my weekends was spend more with my parents and also recuperating after a tiresome and sometimes stressful work week.... After that, came the marriage phase! Crafts time? Oh no, hubby time! Heeheee...yup, even no time at all for such hobbies as it was the time that I really went out a lot as newlyweds and enjoying time with each other after a long week at work, miss those movie dates!....then, of course Ridhwan came along..that was the time where hobbies was a word that has never before been heard!! Also I was busy with my masters which didn't give me a chance to do anything else..my creativity at that time was more on paper works and programmings....not much art creativity there pun! Hahhaa...

So now...when time is more or less quite stable..not to say I have more time to myself ...but there are 'some' time to squeeze..I am slowly picking up the hobbies that I used to like and slowly wanting to venture into such as the 'into' sewing thing....scrapbooking, going cracy buying my stocks online!!...and the latest craze....for me that is.....beading! So, you'll be seeing me posting some of my hobbies here...no much of a pro yet, still an amateur but with passion!...and of course Ridhwan's progress....these are some of the latest things this mama of a very special boy spends her time, mostly at night... in addition to provide the best for his son, which is still her very first priority always....

Ridhwan's 3rd Birthday party!

2008-07-31T23:36:00.010+08:00

Hie! Whoopsie, its been quite awhile since I've written in this blog of mine ya...busy? well, being a fulltime mummy to Ridhwan is busy alright...hehee...but still very contented not having to work and have to deal with work stress...oh yes, that one I don't miss at all! I might have other stress at home, but I'd rather deal with household and child rearing stress anytime...though, one can't deny not missing the monthly salary, kaching! Hahaha...yes, those were the days...

Anyway, for those who were wondering how's my so-called web work progress that I've been ranting about...its stagnant...or shall I just say, nope, not doing anything about it...my brother didn't get back to me about it..so apa lagi, sonyap je lah...buat apa nak tambah kerja rite...hehe...of course the extra income would do me good, but its okay, truthfully, life as a mother and housewife seems more relaxing and very fulfilling to me...for now..and probably for the rest of my life, Insya-Allah....

Well, before I go babbling away, these are just some photos of my dear Ridhwan on his 3rd birthday! Alhamdulillah, he is now 3 years old and so much progress has been made! Alhamdulillah sangat2x...His birthday was on 2nd June 2008 recently...okay, not so recent lah since its August already..but it was a blast for me, and hopefully for him as we made a very small party at my new house! Yup, my little pad at seksyen 7! Was quite apprehensive and yet very excited about the lunch party but I was like, heck, just do it! Though we had the party a day before his birthday, on the 1st of June, Sunday. It was a nice small party just with close family and was very heartwarming for me as my auntie who had stroke was ever so willing to travel all the way to my little house and even enjoyed herself there! Even my grandmother came, which made it even sweeter and she was very happy to finally see me in my own house, and that made me smile a lot...yup, nothing like having your own property kan...mine! mine! oops...me and hubby's of course ;o) hehee....

The next day, we treated Ridhwan to a fun time at Aquaria! Actually, this is our 2nd visit there and I think would be the last for now, for many, many years to come...you've been there twice...I think you've seen them all!...though, it was nice to see Ridhwan more alert to see the fishes and me too had a chance to touch baby sharks! Yup, cool tul! But I was freaking out gak at that time...imagining my fingers being bitten, nauzubillah lah kan....but all in all, it was a good outing, had lunch afterwards, which I can't seem to remember where?!! But definitely in KLCC....oh now, I remember, wanted to eat Burger King but ended up in A&W instead as Ridhwan somehow was in a crying frenzy at that time...poor darling, must be tired already by that time..but later I still had a chance to go to my favourite but so darn expensive bookshop, Kinokuniya and bought the book I've been drooling for soooo long...

Yup, you can say I'm sort of into sewing..let me rephrase it ya...'into' it only, not 'doing' it yet...hehee...but will do it soon when I get some cash soon...umm raya? sigh..ya probably...bought this book as I just love the fabrics she uses and they have many designs to sew...yup, many designs, which one to do first..gosh, the choices...hehee.. after wandering around KLCC for a few more minutes, we headed back home very satisfied and fulfilled that Ridhwan's birthday was celebreated with lots of love and enjoyment! It was a wonderful day spend with Ridhwan and hubby, yup hubby specially took the whole day off to spend time with Ridhwan and his mama...

So, here are some pics of Ridhwan's party at our house...semoga Allah panjangkan umur Ridhwan and murahkan rezeki selalu...amin...

Tze food at our extra tables..all bought! Hahahaa..

Yummy, ayah pouring pink guava juice!

Mama and Ridhwan with the birthday cake

Cutting cake time! One of his favourite cartoon, Thomas the Train! Toot! Toot!

Feeding time!

What I installed works!! Yippee!

2008-05-16T23:35:00.003+08:00

Today, I was downloading all freeware softwares that I could recall that I've used during my 3 years in Open Source Systems Sdn. Bhd. Working in that company enabled me to have a vast exposure on the operating system called Linux that many windows user fear and run away from. I practically freaked out too the first time I saw that I had to learn from a console window to do my work...really freaky...but when I think back, learning this cool OS was the best thing I did during my work there. I was also lucky cause I had trainers to give me the hands on to install and use the OS and also since that company was providing Linux training, I had the priviledge to join their training classes for free...yes, for free! Though as time went by, I had to do more project management and less programming which was actually good too, cause programming isn't exactly my cup of tea, which I realised later on that is...which is also the reason why I did my Masters...though, there is the question then, why in the world did I do Msc. in Computer Science then. Now THAT, is another story of course...hehee

Anyway, thinking since I'm not working anymore, a fulltime mama to Ridhwan and spending most of my time at home, therapy with Ridhwan and well I could say with a much better ease of mind as compared to my working days....oh and successfully completed my Masters with flying colours..still a big surprise to me?!...I would think, my experience and expertise in the computer world would not be needed anymore...hmm, boy, was i wrong!! Surprisingly, my sis-in law still ask me questions concerning networking or computer stuff which sometimes I could answer if I remember! Heheee...or I would tell her, everything is in the internet! Yup, hampeh punyer sis-in law....well, I can't help myself not answering her question as seriously I really can't remember and it would take some time to remember or get the answer....or maybe I just don't know and that I totally can't recall if I forgot or never learn about it...hahaha...and of course there is my father who'd ask me bioinformatics stuff which i totally dread these days, but don't mind answering actually but I just try to avoid any bioinfo questions, sorry tak ingat and takpalah, tak tahu pun takpa...hehee... Well, for a girl who studied engineering, one would expect to learn more of engineering or computer engineering stuff when one person starts working right...but learn biology now, from scracth?? Nooo!!! ...well, that was a real challenge and experience for me when i first started working..and after awhile it sunk into my head...that's it!!....why don't I just take up some Biology course, since I'm gapping most of the time when I attend some of the meetings with clients with biology background!...yup, that, was also one of the reason I decided, enough bioinfo for me...tata biology...here comes teaching line....this was of course before I delivered Ridhwan and now I think I like my simple and stress free life as a mama and housewife to my family...

Well, now a new challenge is facing me! My dear brother has asked me to do some database management system which I must say I did very, very little while I was working....Zatil will definitely agree and can back me up on that kan Zatil ;0) Heeheee....buuut, yes there is a but here, Alhamdulillah I had the experience and time to install some web content management systems on....Linux...yup Linux...windows? ...yes, I have....but since I rarely used or install it...I am now cracking my head trying to recall the softwares I installed before. Though, Alhamdulillah again, I was able to find them all without consulting anyone and successfully installed the softwares! Yippee to me! Hahaha..

Now...here comes the tricky part....sure, I've installed them...but now, I so can't remember which certain folders need to be in certain folders to ensure it runs smoothly!!! ARGHHH??!! Yes, so now that is my biggest problem and that means more reading....sigh...not that I don't want to help my brother, he needs me and I will help him...but I guess, I am so relax and happy in my comfort zone of not worrying about programming or computer work anymore, this 'new project' for me is sure a wake up call for me with a big cling-clang!!

Its okay, I nearly gave up my masters when Ridhwan was hospitalised and so many events were occuring during my Msc that would have made me just stop my Msc entirely...but I needed to show Ridhwan that whatever I started, I must end it, with dignity and at least try...yup...try and try again....just like what I'm doing with Ridhwan to ensure he gets to walk and run...and play like any other children..insya-Allah.....so Ridhwan, mama must remember that little talk I kept giving myself and to you about not giving up and so try to install whatever I need to install and make Pak's(what Ridhwan calls his uncle) web a reality...Insya-Allah...and of course worse come to worse there's Zatil, Ayu and May Yee to help me ya! Pleaseeee....

So, ganbatte Reenaz! Jangan pandang belakang!! Oopss...that sounds like the movie title...Just do it! ...like Nike...hehee...

Cracking me head...aiyoo

2008-05-16T23:24:00.002+08:00

Okay...how long I've stopped working? ..umm...2004 October was my last month at OSS...so I can say, I've practically left the working force for nearly 4 years now...when was the last time I did web work? ummm...probably October 2004.....soooo, I am cracking my head right now trying to recall back web work which I've not laid my hands on even during masters time which I've left nearly 4 years ago!!!! Arghhh!?!! ...okay..okay, relax Reenaz...there's a lot of friends out there who can help, an sms away, an email away, a call away.....sigh...who am I kidding that I can help my brother to do a website for him ....or actually some database management....but, as I've proven myself that giving up is never an option in my life to show Ridhwan that his mama is strong...I shall and now do it in Windows, which I've done before, but can't seem to remember??!!...okay, relax reenaz...take a deep breath...its okay, I can do it.....ganbatte mama Ridhwan, you can do it! Yes I can, yes I will.......I hope....

Chery's Wedding - Saturday, 10th May 2008

2008-05-16T15:39:00.005+08:00

Last weekend, I attended my good friend's wedding at Nikko Hotel, KL. The hall was really nicely decorated and I enjoyed the live musicians playing the violins and...I can't seem to remember the other musical instrument, heehee. Anyway, it was a lovely wedding and a good time with old friends. Though, I was quite sad that I couldn't attend the wedding with me hubby as he just came back from Bintulu on Friday and was down with fever plus diarrhea...the poor darling...Ridhwan too was having runny nose at that time, so I was worried leaving those two together even though my mom is around. But even if my mom is around, most of the time it would be my hubby taking care of Ridhwan. But Alhamdulillah, they both somehow managed without me around. But Ridhwan was definitely missing me, as he asked my mom "mama? mama?" and my mom said "Mama went out.." and he said " Come back! Come back.." Huwaaa!!!...oh Ridhwan my son, u missed me yea?! Sob...sob....but when I came home, I quickly kissed his forehead while he was sleeping away beautifully in his cot...saaayang Ridhwan....

Anyway, luckily, my dear good friend, Iela was kind enough to give me a lift to the wedding at Nikko Hotel that night. Thanks yea Iela and Aqus! It was so nice to see little Amirul all grown up. We must get together with the whole family next time ya! Insya-Allah...The journey to Nikko Hotel was nice for me as it was a time to update myself and Iela on our current life and happenings. It also made me miss hubby and Ridhwan very much at that time. As soon as I reached the hotel, I rushed with Loges to see the bride while she was made up at her room. She looked resplendent! Then after that, I rushed down for maghrib prayers and head to the hall. The hall was lovely! Luckily, I was placed with other good friends Belinda, Loges and Aliza with their other halves, so I was not entirely that lonely that night. But I have to admit, it was pretty sad for me when they started playing romantic songs when the bride and groom came into the hall and when they showed the church wedding pictures held during the day. I missed my hubby that time!! Huwaa...oh well, that shows how rarely I attend a wedding or any dinner event all by myself these days.

However, It was really nice to meet my other ex-classmates from secondary school and some very good friends, which I have not seen nearly 14 years and some that I have lost contact past few years...but as they say, friendship is a wonderful thing and you never forget good friends, and seeing some of the gals, like Iela and Ija really brought back wonderful memories during our years in secondary school and how much I miss their company a lot. So, it was really nice to see them again after all these years. I also enjoyed the company of Patrick and his wife Allison. Despite meeting them only a few times, they are such a nice couple and I had fun laughing and talking to them. So, all in all, it was a lovely wedding and I had a nice time eating chinese food! Was really good, I was surprise that I was quite full cause I've attended a few chinese dinner before and was always hungry afterwards. Heehee...yes, despite being many course... So, Nikko's food was really really good! Heheee...

Well, here are some of the pictures at the wedding. To chery, congratulations dear! I'm very happy that you have finally found your one true love. May happiness be with both of you always and your journey is about to begin, so be a good wife and have a wonderful life together! Congrats again!!

The bride and groom

The very tall wedding cake!

I just loved the deco at the main table!

At the back from left: Loges, Belinda, Allison (Patrick's wife)
In front from left: Fui Ping(Chery's ex-HP colleague), Aliza, Me

Us and the beautiful bride!

The Yam Seng event!

From left: Abrizah, Iela, Me, Ija and Belinda

Bridal shower for a bride

2008-05-16T14:39:00.007+08:00

On 4th May 2008, I had the privilege and fun of helping and organising a bridal shower or some may call bachelorette party for a dear friend who just got married recently on 10th May 2008. This is my first experience attending one, plus organising one too! It was quite fun as there were games and of course food, but since we made it for tea we just had tea food...hehee..do they call it that? Anyway, the fun for me was to plan the games for the guests and bride and in addition to that to meet up some gals from school that I haven't met since 1994. Yup, that long ago... Though, it was a pity that a few couldn't turn up in the last minute due to unforeseen matters which I was looking forward to meet. But, the party was still a blast! I hope so lah kan since I was the one who planned the games, first time pulak tu! Heehee... Anyway, the bride was Cheryline Fong, a good friend since secondary school. The party was even more interesting because it was a surprise party! So no one was to say anything to the bride before that. And so we were quietly planning behind her back and even liaising with her hubby, then fiance. Also, I was more excited about the party venue as it was to be held at my good friend's apartment in Armanee Terrace which I have longed to see since I heard of the place. So, I got my chance now!

The party was filled with laughters and teasing which was I think part of a bridal shower party. Bullying the bride too with some of the games was fun and of course seeing the guests behaving like secondary girls school again was even more fun!! Heehee...Well, hope the other gals had fun playing the games and winning some gifts! Liz, thanks for 'renting' your house for a day to have the party, hope we didn't trash it that badly..hehhee... Belinda thanks so much for preparing the paper bags, door gifts and all art deco stuff, you are definitely very creative ..and also not forgetting Loges, thanks a lot for the bridal shower deco which really made the party look like a bridal shower and saved us some money...So, to our team well done ya gals! Hehee...

So, here are some pics of the party at Liz's simple and very nice home...

From Left: Ai Lin and Jen Yao (my 5ST2 classmates)

View of Armanee Terrace

The bride's throne! - designed by our art director Belinda, materials by Loges, chair from Liz's collection...heheee

The table before the food was laid out in a more presentable way...Liz, the orange juice sedaaap...

Loges cracking her head what to write in the advice card

The cupcakes, soo cute and delicious too...courtesy of Reenaz...hehee..

The bride-to-be (she was forced to dress up that way, part of the bridal shower tradition)

The all girl guests (Jen Yao, Ai Lin, Belinda, Sarah, Chery, Loges, Fui Ping, Aliza and Debbie)

Chery and the cake

Make believing blowing a candle when actually there was no fire on it...hahaha

The bride..hungry!!

Chery: Okay gals, the next clue for what's in this paper bag is....

Ai Lin: I'm bored.. and Loges: what?! what did she say the clue was??

The winner of toilet paper bride - modeled by Belinda

Satu hari di rumah Hani...

2008-04-23T20:35:00.007+08:00

Last month on a fine saturday..well okay it wasn't that fine cause it was raining, but it was fine cause there was no Shichida class...hehee..not that I don't like going to the class..anyway, a fine day to visit a friend whom I haven't seen in years...so bad of me ...Well, after much cancelling of appointments between each other, we finally got to see each other...finally!!

It was really nice to see my ex-roommate and ex-uni mate after such a long time! We were practically roommats for 4 years in UIA. Ever since 1st year degree there...gosh...so it is quite a jejak kasih for both of us cause we've only kept in touch either by sms, yahoo messenger, email or phone. Also, to finally see her with her two kids..which is embarassing lah kan, after two kids baru nak jumpa...but we understood that each other had commitments that we had to attend to and time for family was of utmost importance for each other.

Nevertheless, it was a good visit as it was my first time in an area I never knew existed in Puchong, also seeing her children playing with Ridhwan touched my heart. Such pleasant and beautiful children she has. Her eldest was 4 years old, called Arsyad was happy to share his toy with Ridhwan but was more engrossed with his toys. As for the adorable Aqilah is so cute and was playing with 'abang' Ridhwan. Though, Ridhwan being the not use to people touching him person got into a crying frenzy a bit when Aqilah tried to touch his socks..hehee..ridhwan...ridhwan...I think Aqilah was just fascinated with the colour of the socks...But my dear Ridhwan who is not use with other children( or stranger for him) started freaking out when Aqilah kept touching...oh my dear son, we should bring you to see other children more often lah..though, funny thing, every week he does see other children his age in Shichida and yet he gets shy when he sees other children his age...not from Shichida that is...anyway, my dear roommate forever Hani, it was great to be at your house! And thank you for the wonderful food!! Yumm!! Wish I could have eaten more but Ridhwan's crying made me panic and could not really enjoy the food much...oh well..next time ya..maybe a picnic at the lake as we discussed that day! So, here are some pictures of us at Hani's house...

Ridhwan in the middle of the children..posing sat..hehee

Aqilah kasi Ridhwan pinjam dolphin..nak main ngan 'abang'...hehee

Uishh....khusyuk si Arsyad tu ha...

Alamak, Aqilah nak babab dolphin tu kat sapa

Ridhwan main apa tu?

Ridhwan tidur ke? ..Ceria sungguh anak2x Hani kan, suka tengok..

Us and our kids...

I'm so proud of you ridhwan!!

2008-03-16T14:08:00.002+08:00

Haven't been blogging much these days..dunno why ever since I've finished my Msc, I am a bit 'liat' to write in my blog these days...probably being a fulltime housewife and mother is taking up more of my time and gives me less time to spend on the internet only...also, it's to compensate all the time spend on my Msc that I should have spend on Ridhwan...and for that, I could see him progressing really, really well now...alhamdulillah...

For some, when ask what Ridhwan could do, and I would say, he can talk a few words or sometimes 2 words or 3 words sentences and sit on his own and try to stand...most people would react..."oh, okay...." ...but for me, for a mother whom have seen and wondered if her child would even be able to sit on his own and lie down on his back and sit again all by himself...that is a miracle and a blessing for me....Ridhwan has progressed so much and may not be able to walk yet, but his progress shows that with much preserverance, patience and commitment and most of all repetition, a special need child can do what other normal child could do, maybe at a delayed time but can be achieved and realised....

Thus, seeing Ridhwan being able to try and sit on his own, trying to crawl and most of all trying to stand on his feet even when he tends to tip toe, there's a term for that rupanya pun, well, I am very, very thankful to Allah for all the hard work is paying off and more hard work to come to ensure he speaks more and be able to walk, run and jump like any other children his age...insya-Allah...

So, parents out there, if you sometimes show your child flashcards or are teaching your child anything new, like writing, reading or speaking, and your child does not show interest or imitating what you are teaching...don't be despair and give up easily cause your child is actually silently learning and it is only a matter of time he will show you and the world what greatness he can achieve....wallahualam...

Happy New Year 2008 & Awal Muharram!

2008-01-17T20:31:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year and Selamat Menyambut Awal Muharram! Okay, maybe this wish is a bit late...naaah, i don't think its that late considering its still January right? Heehee...Anyway, a new year has finally arrived meaning new hopes, new dreams, new achievements and well, what can I say everything new? Well, probably not everything new, can't have a new car when one can't afford a new one right, hehee... Hmm....

The year 2007 for me has been a good year in the first few months of 2007... I finally obtained my masters and had my convo in May. Which was a very significant date to me! Then, there was the good news that my dear friend was finally coming back to Malaysia for good, which was a great news for me. Missed her so much for the last few years. Then, there was an even greater news, one of my best friends is getting married this year! That was 'the' news for my circle of best friends. Aside that, for Ridhwan, alhamdulillah it was a very good year as he was not even warded to the hospital even once...alhamdulillah sangat2x...unlike 2006...it was a real testing year for me...Then, there's the trip to Kuantan by plane! I would say that was the travel of the year for me and Ridhwan. Never thought I'd be able to see the sea again, I love the beaches...and alhamdulillah Ridhwan was fine the whole way there...Though, lately he is so into a screaming frenzy, I'm sort of fearing to take a plane right now...hmmm...Oh and not forgetting, at last we cleaned my new house after nearly a year of non-looking at the existence of my new house!!!...Thus, came the endless cleaning and pre-buying of essential furnitures for the house. That was the great part! Window shopping furniture, carpet and household stuff was the agenda every week..meaning visits to IKEA was a must too! Heehee..what can I say, I'm a die hard fan of sweddish products...

However, come August, a very shocking incident hit our family when one my mother's sister had a stroke while my grandfather was in the hospital. It his us all quite badly as she was always the one who took care of my grandparents since she was working and was always the one running around to run errands for them...For once, the whole family felt a bit crippled and at lost in the situation.. Though come Ramadhan for me last year was the saddest moment of my life as my dear beloved grandfather past away in the beginning of the holy month... It took us all by surprise on his death..and I am missing him very much till now...Even this year Aidilfitri was a solemn celebration for me as my grandmother was very affected by his death...65 years of marriage ..its still taking her some time to adjust herself..and for that I respect and look up so much to my grandmother for being such a strong woman at times like this. So, come 3rd and 4th quarter of the year 2007 was very emotional and heartbreaking for me....but as believed, semua yang berlaku ada hikmahnya and innalillah....

Despite the ups and downs of my days in 2007, Ridhwan's wonderful progress has been an inspiration for me and my strentgh to go through the days ahead...He has progressed so much alhamdulillah..he may not be able to walk yet but he can sit on his own, sit and lie down and sit himself up again all by himself without any aid from me! Ya Allah, that is such an achievement for him! Good job Ridhwan! And vocabulary wise, gosh, he is saying so much words these days, but the screaming part is something I so need to work on...hmm...but otherwise, saying mama, ayah, atuk, memek, bibik and everything is just so wonderful to hear. And what makes me even happier was every hardwork, penat lelah I stimulate, exercise him all this while was seen in his progress and was congratulated by therapists and Ridhwan's sensei....

You know, being a mother to a special needs child, there is so much ups and down in my life pertaining to is progress and his achievement as a toddler and according to his milestones. Thus, when you see your child progressing slowly but very surely and people around you recognise your effort and your sacrifces...it warms your heart so much and gives me the strength and commitment to be an even better mother, therapist, sensei, massager and all that is needed to become! Hehehee....So, to you my son, you are my life and strength for me to face the days ahead this year and years to come and I pray to Allah that I'll be able to have the strenght, the patience and the health to help you reach all your milestones...amin...and to my husband, lets be better humans, muslim and most importantly better parents to our dear son...

Semoga tahun baru ini akan membawa berkat dan segala amal ibadat ku akan diredhai Allah..insya-Allah...amin....

Have a great 2008 year everyone!

Ridhwan and his great progress..

2007-11-30T14:42:00.000+08:00

Hmm...how time flies so fast when you are having fun and busy with lots of stuff...its just like yesterday we all celebrated aidilfitri and my mom's maid went back to Indon and in two days time she's back!....hmm...partly, it's good she's back I guess, more help around the house, then again, gone are the days we can roam around the house and talk about anything freely and unlocked room can be left unlocked and open wide...takpalah, more help means more time for me with Ridhwan which is what I need right now..

Ever since my mom's maid when back to her home, I am doing more of the housework and in turn time for ridhwan has been less and sometimes neglected...my poor darling...when he is one who needs constant stimulation and attention right now in his growing years...but nevertheless, he is progressing so well, alhamdulillah...even our physiotherapist Sarjit is so happy with his many progress...you all should see the amount of kisses Ridhwan gets these days from Sarjit..hehee...sometimes there's even a lipstick mark on Ridhwan's shirt..hahaa..and he's only 2! ....however, I am so thankful to Allah that he can now learn how to stand, actually understanding how to walk, lifting his left and right leg one at a time..and most of all his ability to sit in his cot by himself without my help, all by himself!! Yea Ridhwan!!! Mama is so proud of you!!! Hopefully when he can start using more of his hands to support himself, he will start to learn to stand with more balance and grip things more..and that is when mama will shed a tear again just like when you suddenly sat on your own that day in the cot....oh my dear ridhwan....

Pic taken during a lunch date with my gal friends at Teapot cafe..hehe..Ridhwna boring dengar girl talk between mama and her friends...sorry sayang, mama dragged you along yea..

Oh ya, his vocab is much more these days too!..everything I say he tends to imitate and I mean everything.....even sounds like 'chewah', 'cheh' and others are being imitate by him! Alamak!! But seeing him vocalising a lot more these days really touches my heart....being able to converse with him when sometimes not even a single word I understand really makes my day these days...he is such a smart boy and i believe in him so much that he'll be great one day...His speech therapy is also very happy with his progress as we have not seen her for months and when she recently heard him saying 'mama' and 'ayah' without any 'pelat', she was esthatic! She said, Ridhwan's speech insya-Allah is progressing very well...alhamdulillah...syukur sangat2x pada Allah...

So, I try to watch what I say these days cause the last thing I want is for him to pick improper words or even vulgar words...so i monitor his TV viewing these days, especially when his father is watching the TV with him...no adult shows or movie when Ridhwan is around tau ayah!! As it is, I see that he picks up quite a lot of words from cartoons like Little Einstein and also Mickey Mouse clubhouse...which thank god, are very innocent cartoons...mind you, these days, the type of cartoons we have on TV can be so violent and disgusting...yup, gooiey stuff and morphing aliens what not...gone are the days of smurfs, care bears, my little pony and so forth...I guess maybe that's why the older generations are simpler and more polite...seriously, these days, the way the youth behaves alarms and scares me...the amount of respect they have to older people are diminishing and that is something I need to ensure that Ridhwan must inculcate the feeling of respect towards older people as he grows up...insya-Allah....

Anyway, for being such a wonderful boy, we brought him to Kuantan for a holiday on a plane! Hehee...padahal Kuantan is not to far these days, around 2 and half hours drive aje...oh well,hubby needed to finish his enrich points which ended up being expensive gak, you liar, you MAS!! Also, having the OKU(Orang Kurang Upaya) card was supposed to entitle Ridhwan to a 50% discount on the fare but ended up only one ticket was entitled to the discount. Another lie!! Next time, please put some clause or more details stating that only one way ticket will get the appropriate discount...sheesh...sian OKU lain if they intended to fly ke...seriously, with all the hype of our country being berbudi bahasa and asian value what not, are they actually protecting or taking care of the OKU interest??!!...sad to say, NO, cause a mother to a severe brain injured child I met a few months ago have expressed her grief and dissatisfaction on her findings and effort to find help and devices for her daughter's mobility. Though, ironically another country which I shall not mention here have placed an advert in the papers to get a free, i really mean, FREE, wheelchair that is custom made for her daughter...imagine that, totally free with no charge at all..and the best part was that when her daughter grows bigger and if she couldn't fit into the wheelchair anymore, all the mother need to do was to inform them again and they'll get another one for FREE to suit her height and size..how nice is that kan...and how sad as you wonder, what the future holds for other OKU out there who may not even be able to afford going to a therapist every week like Ridhwan is....cause truthfully, one therapy each week is not exactly cheap and one therapy a month is not enough.....wallahualam...for this I am thankful to Allah cause rezeki Ridhwan murah sangat even though when I am not working and we are depending solely on hubby's income aje...semoga Allah sentiasa murahkan rezeki Ridhwan...amin...

So to all friends out there, if you suddenly have a large sum of money you want to donate, heehee, mana tahu kan, do donate to any OKU organisations or institutions out there cause one really wonders how much of their needs and interest is being looked at or even heard...they are also human being sharing this beloved earth of us...and who else can they depend or turn to but to us the so-called normal or perfect people who can and should help them as much as we can....wallahualam...

been awhile...many stories to tell...

2007-11-16T15:35:00.000+08:00

I've not been blogging for quite some time..many stories to tell actually...especially about ridhwan's progress and also the usual fulltime housewife stuff we stay at home mummy do..hehee...anyway, i'll be blogging soon....when, dunno yet, I know i've also promised pictures in fotopages for friends to view...sorry ya for the delay...maybe will blog more when I come back from Kuantan next week...at last, this mummy gets to see the beach after nearly ..lets see...2 years + 1 year...yup nearly 3 years longing to see the beach..so hopefully the weather tomorrow or sunday would be good in kuantan..pleaseeeee....insya-Allah..semua ketentuan Allah kan..and then me mummy and ridhwan son can enjoy the sun and beach! yahoo!! till then...ciao...

Syawal 1428...

2007-10-10T23:20:00.001+08:00

In loving memories...

2007-09-17T13:01:00.000+08:00

It has been a week now ever since my grandfather kembali ke rahmatullah...And it was just a few weeks ago that I could recall talking to him...remembering him asking what was Ridhwan's name as old age was getting to him and memory loss was quite bad...but no matter how many times he forgot our names or who we were whenever we visited him...he was a wonderful host to his guest...making sure we all had enough food and drink at the table....was always asking about our health and was even teasing my grandma whenever he could...he also looked forward to our visits everytime we came as if we never visited him for years when it was only a week ago we came to see him...

His death is much felt for the whole family as he was always the leader among the menantu(s) on my grandma's side...as my grandma being the eldest of the family, it was natural that my grandpa was the eldest menantu(s) and the person all the other menantu(s) and sisters look up to whenever they were in need...he was also very hospitable and well respected because of his character and how he treated everyone around him....even during his career as the director general of customs malaysia and when he was a normal custom officer, he was one of those who did not hesitate to defy the english when the english were here...yup, during the old english occupancy era..as a matter of fact, there was one story my mother always told me which is still very fresh in my mind was when he was a customs officer, can't remember his position at that time though..anyway, being a customs officer, my mother's family had to move around Malaysia a lot, and they had just moved to one state, can't remember which one, and within 24 hours he was asked to moved to a new state as he bravely defied one of the english officer there...my grandfather was a man with high principles and was not afraid to fight for the truth..and being so brave and bold ended him up being transfered to another state within 24 hours...wow!...but he proved even being a local custom officer or a malay officer at that time when the english were reigning, he was not afraid to speak up and that is something I admire till now...there was even a time, my mother may have not existed because of his courageous act!.. during one of his roundings with the customs officers at sea, he was actually captured by the pirates!! mind you, there are pirates out there in the sea betul2x sebenarnya!.. and he was actually thrown from the boat into the middle of the sea by these pirates as they refused to be taken into custody by the customs...tapi tu lah, ajal arwah datuk tak sampai lagi .. alhamdulillah he was rescued but when they rescued him, he was already blue and was not breathing...tapi ajal semua di tangan Allah kan...he survived the ordeal...and became an even greater man...

They are many courageous stories of him my mother would always tell me as a child and even when I am now a mother to a wonderful little boy...and the stories never stopped to amaze me to this day....and so the news about him passing away really shocked me, especially when I was the one who had to tell my mother of the news..it just broke my heart into pieces....the call my mom made to my auntie after hearing my grandpa was unconscious was passed to me as she couldn't hear clearly what my aunt said...and when my aunt told me to tell my mom that my grandpa was gone..i didn't answer anything to her and just placed the phone down...and looked at my mom and stared crying badly...my mom was then in a panic and asked what was wrong...and i told her the news....

However, alhamdulillah arwah datuk was a man who was always consistent with his amalan harian and ibadatnya and was always very generous in giving and sedaqah, and so alhamdulillah, his rezeki, pengurusan jenazah was very fast and without any hiccups at all...by 2.30 pm he was buried at the Tanah perkuburan bukit kiara near my grandma's house ....

It was a solemn day that day and for the very first time I could see my grand-uncles actually breaking down and crying their heart out and some of them are actually great men during their younger times and I have always admired them... and seeing them crying really made me weep even more and broke my heart and realised how much my grandpa was really admired and looked up to all these years...

But as muslims, we must not weep too much as we would only cause the jenazah to be in more pain and aggravate him...cause as we leave this world, what is important is what we have done before our time is up and the 3 main things are, our amal soleh, ilmu yang manfaat and anak yang soleh...and my arwah grandfather have always had these things with him throughout his time here in this world...

Therefore, semoga roh arwah datuk dicucuri rahmatNya dan ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang mukmin...I loved you very much datuk and your courage, your passion, your love to your family, your love to your spouse, your sense of humor, your generosity and most of all your amalan ibadat is something I would always remember and try to follow so I may one day be a great person like you too...wallahualam...

Arwah datuk and nenek at my house before my aqad nikah in September 2003

Kembali ke rahmatullah...arwah datuk...

2007-09-16T21:10:00.000+08:00

Tan Sri Hj. Daiman Bin Jamuluddin telah kembali ke rahmatullah pagi ini lebih kurang antara pukul 9.40 ke 9.50 a.m.....al-fatihah....

The only grandfather I had... since my paternal grandfather died even before my mom got married..so I only knew my mom's dad as my only grandfather... he was a great man...was a man who loved his wife very much and loved to tease her...a man who was always very concern of his guest...who loved his children equally...who loved his grandchildren very much...was a man who touched many hearts ...the brother, the uncle, the family turn to and went to in time of needs...was a man very well respected and looked up to...that was my grandfather...my dear grandfather....

Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas arwah datuk...you will be missed very much...

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak!

2007-09-13T11:02:00.000+08:00

Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan yang penuh dengan keberkatan...Insya-Allah...Semoga segala amal ibadat kita di bulan yang mulia ini akan mendapat berkah dan rahmat dari Ilahi...Insya-Allah..

A trip to the bridal shops..

2007-09-04T22:16:00.000+08:00

Oops, eh, no, no, don't get me wrong ya everyone, I'm not getting another wedding gown for some anniversary bash or anything....hmm..maybe for my 10th anniversary I should do some majlis besar-besaran ya and wear back my nikah or reception kebarung or whatever they call it...hehee, naaah, ya rite, wonder if I'll even fit into it pun...hahahaa....never mind, I think a solat jemaah with my hubby on that special date and a romantic dinner for two would be just fine...insya-Allah...semoga perkahwinan kami sentiasa diberkati Allah..amin...

Anyway, last two weekends, I had a chance to actually visit some bridal shops in SS2, PJ, which I've always seen whenever I pass the SS2 main road but never actually get to see what were inside those bridal shops. I only and really had the opportunity to actually look for a few minutes from outside that is, the huge and beautifully decorated bridal shops in Ipoh whenever we go back to my hubby's hometown. But of course I just get to look from outside, the gowns and large wedding pictures hanging outside the shop from where else, but inside the car, whenever we pass them to go to the town or pick up my sis-in law wherever she would be at that time. And whenever we pass by, curiously I would be thinking, it must be really nice to try out all those wedding gowns one by one, and they are such lovely gowns being displayed as they were white and had lovely laces on them....waaah...hehee, yes, even though I am happily married for nearly 4 years now, a wedding or the thought of wedding gowns be it malay songket or english wedding gowns, it makes me awe with smiles.

So, lucky me, one of my best friend is getting married next year and she invited me to accompany her so she could try out the wedding gowns in the shops at SS2. Yippeee!! At last, after months of watching on channel 77 a show called Dress of your dreams, eh ke gowns of your dreams..anyway, one of it lah the title...I just got so excited that I finally could see an english wedding gown live! Well, I actually did get to see one when Loges got married but I was so preoccupied with taking care of Ridhwan and I couldn't get involve much in her wedding preparations and all, that I missed out the visiting wedding shops part...so this time, I am definitely making time to see the actual process of selecting wedding gowns for my other best friend...umm..should I mention your name here? hehee...the date is confirmed right? so, its all finalised right?? okaylah, won't mention yet your name here but will do it soon..hehee...

So, off I went with hubby and Ridhwan to SS2 to meet up with the gals and have some female bonding time and also some wedding excitement time too ;o) hehee... However, smart me, never been to SS2 in ages and conveniently was smart enough thinking, I know those shops, which ended up, I was so wrong of the locations of the shops (thank god, hubby knew the shops locations, malu aje), instead of arriving on time I ended reaching half and hour later after driving around SS2 in circles as the shops could only be accessed from a certain road...gosh, people driving in SS2 have no mercy in driving slowly or stopping for awhile...but finally I reached the first shop the gals wanted to check out.

Now...this is the best part, as it is I was upset that I was late, and having a headache with all the driving in circles in SS2 and was partly exhausted carrying Ridhwan around...as I was about to actually have a sit on the sofa in the bridal shop to finally see a gown my dear friend was trying out, Belle said to me..."..umm...i think he poo poo lah...smells a bit.." Darn it! Ridhwan, noooooo! Not here! Not now! Nooooooo!! ...yes, it's not a no... Ridhwan actually poo poo-ed in his nappy..of all the time and place to let it out...he had to let it out at the first bridal shop we entered....hahahaa...again, lucky me, I made sure I stocked the so small baby bag that I brought along that day with some cotton wool, one nappy and a liner...and to think that I was going to lenggang aje not bring those things thinking hubby is just around the corner somewhere in SS2 so I could just call if Ridhwan was hungry and needed to change his clothes...yup, lucky me allright...and so with much difficulty, as being a lasak 2 year old, even when not walking yet nie, it could be quite hard sometimes trying to change his nappy especially if he poo poo...but no sweat, this mother has gone through worse hurdles, I shall embrace this situation with a calm manner....ya rite, the gals didn't know how i was freaking out in the bathroom, while ridhwan was wriggling away in his soiled nappy and wanting to touch the nappy..I shall not describe that in detail lah yea...hehee...but, mission accomplish, after much pain-staking changing nappy ordeal, Ridhwan was happily changed into a new nappy, clean and nice smelling...and at lassttt...i could actually sit down on the sofa to see the trying out of the wedding gowns...but then, as I was just going to sit and relax....the gals said, okay, moving to the next shop now....whattt??!! here I am baru nak take a breather and we have to go off already...okaylah...so, obediently, I followed the gals out of the shop, dah ler we were on the 2nd floor and there was no railing on the stairs to hold on to while juggling Ridhwan...hehee..and truthfully I was quite out of breath already at that time...and was, oh heck, just bring me to the next shop so I could find some sofa to seat on...hehee...
what an experience that was...

Though, we did finally go to one shop so my dear friend could try out the gowns, and there I finally could sit down and enjoy the moment seeing my dear friend selecting her gown...her dream gown...she looked so lovely in the gowns she tried on...and they were very lovely gowns...laces, satins, silk....oh I just love weddings....but she didn't find 'the' wedding gown and of course there were KL shops to look into..but all in all, it was a nice experience for me to finally actually enter into a bridal shop with wedding gowns that I've only seen displayed near the windows and actually touching and seeing them live with my own eyes, was a wonderful experience and made me think about my own wedding 4 years ago....

Of course the preparation for my dear friend's wedding is still a long list but I was very happy to be a part of her 'entourage' accompanying her to see and select the wedding gowns and time spend with you gals is always looked forward to for this mother of a 2 year old boy who is improving and progressing day by day..time off from reality world occasionally really helps this mommy to relax and enjoy time with friends....so my dear friend, thanks for the lunch and most of all, thanks for having Ridhwan and I to come along with you that day...I hope you'll find your dream gown and you're going to look great on your wedding day!! and I will try my very best to be in every part of the way towards your wedding day ya..insya-Allah....I cried a tear when Loges got married a year ago, wonder if I will too when it is your turn...hehee....aaah, weddings...don't you just love them...

long lost sunway mate...

2007-08-05T23:30:00.000+08:00

For a mother who occupies herself with her child's need so much instead of hers these days, it feels so good to meet a friend which I've not met in years....How funny that I would meet her after all these years at SJMC when Ridhwan was having his physiotherapy...and Allah work in such wonders that it so happened I had to make a phone call and so stepped out of the physio department trying to make a call and she caught a glance of me while wanting to cross over the bridge..and there you were!...and the best part about meeting her was the fact that even though we've not met or talked face to face for such a long time, we just knew about each other and was asking about a lot of things about our lives, as if we've just met a few days or weeks ago....which we actually only know from reading each other blogs! Heehee...how ironic ya...so these blogs we have is actually quite great and cool, cause even if your a cyberspace away, you get to catch up on your friends even if you don't actually meet them or even 'tegur' them in their blog cause you know, no matter where you are or what you are doing, your friend thinks about you, wishes you well and pray for you at times when you are in need...so to dear Izreen, it was really great to see dear! Hope your wrist is much better now...and yes, it was really nice to see you again after all this years...take care dear! and kisses to your cute tomel-ion! ;o)..oh and let her cry, really, its good for her lungs, gets more oxygen to the brain and also, its good to know that she can show her emotions well and have a great cry to cry her lungs out...hmm...now i know how this phrase came about ya...hehee

Marriage...family

2007-08-05T23:17:00.000+08:00

You know, ever since my aunt had stroke, I learned a very valuable lesson...one, no matter how much money you have in the world or acquired all the riches of the world, nothing beats a healthy body...which sad to say, I've been neglecting for quite some time...sigh...but since I've learned this lesson, I hope I learn it and apply good lifestyle after this to ensure a better and healthier lifestyle....amin...insya-Allah...

Another lesson that I learned which is also important...is about marriage...I sometimes tell myself, some people live to be alone, which some may not exactly want to and was never lucky enough to find the one true partner and some may really want to settle down but was also not having much luck or always seems to meet the wrong one...but hey, who am I to judge people's love life right and heck, I thought I'd never find the one true man too...in actual truth, I think, there's no such thing as 'the one'...but I do see now how beautiful marriage and having a family is when you are all alone lying on a bed in a hospital....when all you can hope is your siblings and their children would hopefully occasionally come and visit you and maybe stay awhile or long enough to accompany you in your crucial times...this is where I am so thankful to be given a husband by Allah...to be given a child, where some may say he's not perfect and have special needs, which to me I can tell them, what do you know about perfect or normal, are you perfect or normal yourself? ....but this is where I see the beauty of having a partner and a family to be there for you and with you at times in pain, sorrow and grief...nothing beats a love from a husband, nothing beats a love from a child...i love you abang and you too Ridhwan...mama is sooooo lucky to have you in my life and mama will try my best to be a better wife and mother as best as I can cause you both are the world to me...and I hope one day, if I should fall sick, you both and hopefully more of Ridhwan's sibling will be by my side all the way...wallahualam...

An emotional roller coaster week..

2007-07-12T12:13:00.000+08:00

This week I started of with a surprising and happy news, then an alarming news and then a shocking and upsetting news...all within 3 days..On monday, I heard a wonderful news from a friend of mine and I was so happy for her that I talked about it again and again with my hubby. Sorry darling, bosan dah dengar yea...

Then tuesday when I was exercising Ridhwan at Nury, my mom received a call from my aunt and told me that my grandfather had breathing difficulties and was rushed to the hospital by an ambulance. We cut short Ridhwan's exercise and decided to go back early so my mom could go to the hospital to see my grandfather. Luckily he was not too bad, it was a close case to pneumonia but it was not....alhamdulillah...

Then, wednesday morning as I was getting reading to tube feed Ridhwan before we go to SJMC for Ridhwan's physio with Sarjit, my mom received a call from the line phone...and it was early morning so it's usually something serious or important and she mentioned my aunt's name...i was worried...ya Allah, please let my grandfather be fine....but as I was washing the feeding apparatus and all, so I was in and out of the kitchen and couldn't really hear the conversation...then when my mom placed the phone down...she said, my aunt fell down in the bathroom and had a stroke!! Ya Allah...no...not auntie sheila....It seems one of her blood vessels broke and she was now waiting to be warded into the ICU...I was shocked and devastated...and since hubby haven't gone to work..he quickly decided to take EL that day....

So, within three days....I had an emotional roller coaster ride....my friend I'm sure is still in cloud nine, my grandfather is discharging today, alhamdulillah...and my aunt, she has overcomed the 24 hours critical moment but the future is yet unknown...all I know, I pray to Allah that she gets well soon and give strength to my family to go through this ordeal as I think it has been a very eventful time for all of us, these pass 2 years....semoga Allah beri kesabaran, keyakinan dan ketabahan dalam segala dugaan yang dilalui...wallahualam...

I'm so happy for you!

2007-07-10T15:51:00.000+08:00

I know, i know, u told me to not put any pics here...hehee..but I can't help informing everyone how happy I am for you and looking forward to the wonderful day...its going to be the best time of your life and I hope all your dreams will come true and I'll be able to be a part of it every step of the way....So Happy for you my dear!!

Reading room

2007-06-27T00:30:00.000+08:00

I've been watching the advert on hallmark channel about a movie called 'Reading Room' for some time now. Was wondering when was it going to be aired on but didn't really bother to see the date and time. However, after watching my fave show Desperate Housewives just now, as usual when hubby is away, TV seems the be the next best thing and friend to be with, I quickly used my oh so skillfull fore finger to start changing channels on the remote control and ended up at the Hallmark channel. Then I said, ooh, its that show they've been advertising lately. And I ended up hooked on it, but like the movie titled 'Tuesday's with Morrie' which I never watched the ending, bought the book though and plan to read it soon, here I am blogging away instead of watching the show until the end.

What touched me in the movie, was about the people, all ages, but mostly teenagers in this movie, and their difficulties in reading. It made me wonder a lot about Ridhwan and that made me shed a tear or actually a few tears...why? Well, when you have a special needs child, you somehow take a bit more effort to learn about disabilities and its effects, especially children cause you have one on your own. Since going to Nury itself, it made me see different children with different needs and disabilities too. That made me thought, ya Allah, how thankful I am to have eyes to see, eyes to read, and a mouth to make sounds that turns out to words and then to sentences and eventually to a language that not only I can understand but others around me too. And then I thought, how we seem to take, or more accurately, I seem to have taken all these most important 5 senses for granted when there are people out there who may never have all 5 of them or are struggling to achieve to master the 5 senses. And for that, it definitely made me think of my son Ridhwan....

I've always heard about SATs in the USA and it seems to be quite an important test, probably equivalent to SPM over here in Malaysia. But one interesting thing in the movie that I learned was that there was such a thing as an untime test where the children or teenagers could to their SATs or other tests I presume, at an untime period, meaning until they can complete it. These applies to people who have dyslexia and so forth. Gosh, how can I be so ignorant I thought. That gave me a thought, do they have that here? I guess they would as recently, a partially or fully blind gal scored her STPM and that shows despite her disabilities, she actually is an intelligent young girl who just have the disability of not having a good eyesight which we, so called normal people may have always taken it for granted...and that brought me to even more tears...and that made me thought even more about Ridhwan as I realise, how it is my sole duty to educate my son, and give him the chance to have the best education and most importantly..teach him the beauty and excitement of reading...to learn how to read....ya Allah, give me strentgh to be able to read more so I may help my son as much as I can...give me strength and commitment and consistency to be there for my son as much as possible, to educate him, stimulate him and not one day, to complain of exhaustion and tiredness, as he demands, he requires and he deserves the best education and most of all...he deserves to know and understand how to read...wallahualam....

Convo story...a continuation

2007-06-11T20:54:00.000+08:00

Gosh..it takes me such a long time to finish telling my convo story ya..hehee..well, guess what, I got sick after my convo and it prolonged to more than a week and then we started with Nury's exercises and so my days are filled for Ridhwan's physio, exercise regime at Nury and the occasional visits to SJMC for the monthly or bi-monthly follow up....

Anyway, where was I...oh ya, to cut the story short, the procession of us graduates into the hall was very short actually, we were walking quite fast and there we were cramped up in our seats in the Dewan Sri Budiman Hall. Seriously, I just don't see why UiTM won't spend some money to make a good hall to cater for their annual convocations...and to think that they have the convo twice in a year..I should know lah kan, cause living so near the UiTM you can't help noticing and hearing the sirens of the policeman or the outriders bringing in the VIP...hehee...yup, that is how near my house is to UiTM...

After some really cool video footage of UiTM, which was really nice actually cause it showcased UiTM during their, ummm, some very long time ago ...hehee...can't seem to remember the name of the institute before it became UiTM...or even ITM...yes, they had some other name even before ITM...which I so can't remember at this moment...well, one of the video really made me cry as the song was the common 'kasi semangat' song...which is the "We are the champions" by Queen...the song happened to be one of my favourite songs pulak tu (thank my brother for making me hear Queen's song in the 80s again and again from his room..) ...but it was when I saw the video with the song in the background showing graduates smilling ang giggling away looking at the camera, clapping, with family, some crying, some laughing, some seriously listening to the speeches...I couldn't help myself thinking...gosh here I am, finally receiving my Masters scroll which I never thought of even taking especially when I first started working...so, must thank all my ex-colleagues lah for 'inspiring' me to further my studies and 'running' from the working environment...hehee, ya u all know what I mean kan....study=blah from company....

The video footage made me nearly cry but eventually I didn't cry as it would be too embarassing to be crying in between the boys and the engineering boys sitting near me spoiled my moment as they started making silly jokes...sigh, engineering boys will be engineering boys...made me remembered the boys in UIA dulu..always having some witty things to say...hehee...miss those days lah...

Anyway, then the anticipated moment of the agung entering the hall....of course before that there was the VC and deans and what not processions in the hall which sadly i couldn't be bothered actually...hahaa..oh but I was surprised to see my grand auntie walking with the procession ...she's a judge you see and it seemed that UiTM was giving some award for the chief justice...head...in short ketua hakim negara lah...heehee..

And so the speeches were given..and more speeches...and even more speeches...and at last, it was time to walk and receive my scroll...yippee!! well, not so yippee as it happened too fast that there I was lining up and the next moment I heard them announcing "Pemenang anugerah sarjana cemerlang, Shahreenaz Abdul Latip..." and I was pushed to go to the agung and was thinking, must say junjung kasih tuanku...must say that...and there it was, the agung opened his mouth and said "tahniah", that I was so shocked that I only smiled and took the scroll without saying junjung kasih tuanku..darn....all because I was shocked that he was actually going to open his mouth and say something...hahahaa...oh well, it seemed I was not the only who forgot what happened on the stage. I guess everyone was so nervous and anxious that everyone had some temporary memory block up at the stage and when they saw the agung....hehee...

At last, the ceremony was over and there waiting for me outside of the hall was my darling hubby and sweetie pie of mine, my son Ridhwan....I wanted to cry when I saw them but was actually exhausted of the waiting, that I told, lets just take some pictures and go home...I was darn hungry by then...hehee...that's the best part of staying near your uni ya...

Anyway, in the evening we took a family photo at the studio..our very first formal photo of my family...me, hubby and darling son...this photo is a memorable photo for me as it will always be a reminder for me, of the hurdle my whole family had to endure before but kept as stonger and closer....and as they say, the sweetness that you get to taste after all that is indescribable....

This time last week

2007-05-31T19:49:00.000+08:00

This hour last week, I was anxious thinking about my convocation ceremony which was held on the 24th May 2007. I was worried I will forget to say "Menjunjung Kasih Tuanku", which I actually DID forget to say pun, after shocked to hear him utter Tahniah to me! Yes, I thought our Agung was just gonna smile and nod which he did to many others..hahaha...so, i forgot to say thank you and what not pun...oh well, if I thought we were nervous receiving the scroll from him, I think he was even more nervous than us! My hubby even said he looked liked a nervous wreck...hehee, wonder how hubby thought he looked like that pulak lah yea...

Anyway, it was a wonderful occassion, as at time or actually one time only, I actually felt like crying. Maybe if I was sitting next to Zack or in between the gals, I would have just shed a tear but sitting in between the boys in line, naaah, that would be a bit embarassing ;o) I woke up early or actually the usual early, to go to Dewan Sri Budiman at UiTM by 7 am. But being a woman and especially a mother, there was just so many things to do and you know, adjusting your scarf, making sure it had a sharp edge near the forehead area, but instead it looked rounded in the end...and kissing Ridhwan goodbye with hubby too and telling hubby, "You'd better be there after the ceremony or else..." ...so after all the commotion and oh yeah, telling my mom, no ma you look fine, I'm the one who should be worried if I looked fine! Heehee...we reached there about 7.20 am plus like that....and being the ever must be punctual person I am...I showed my mom and dad just to hang around the Dewan before they usher them into the hall and was interested to see the guard of honors practicing or god knows what they were doing...but I instead rushed to the Bangunan Budisiswa to reach there in time to register.

Register?? What register??!! All I could see after climbing many steps of stairs and down a few stairs, all I could see were graduates and some with parents hanging around as if the convocation has just ended or no one knows where it is. Great, here I am thinking I was late and here was everyone wandering around wondering where is the registration booth or table. So happened, after calling Zack and meeting up with classmates, there was no such thing as registration. Cehh!! It seems all they wanted was for you to hang around there and when it was time they call you by the numbers they have allocated and given earlier through post. Hmm...but admist the calling fo numbers, Zack, Fuza and I was panicking about our robe and shawl or whatever they call it, as it seems everyone was wearing it in some weird way or wrong way..So, pins here, anxiety there...it was a crazy few hours for us...hehee...

From left: Imran, Selamat, Zakiah@Zack and me

Though, the anxiety and nervousness died out a bit when we were waiting in line near the long corridor with old and new pictures of UiTM student, lecturers and activities..There we were just waiting for the convo staff to give us our number card. That was the time the others were taking out their cameras and taking pics. Darn, why didn't I take the camera from my mom! Anyway, I was able to grab some of the pics from Tika's blog, thanks Tika. However, the highlight or the special moment during the lining up was when the convo staff came to me with a gold and purple lining sash as if I was one of the Ms. Universe contestants. Ya, as if!! I mean the Ms. Universe thing..and she wore it on my robe... it was when the staff was pining the sash, I felt so proud and wanted to cry too, for finally all my dreams, sacrifices and hardwork has eventually paid off, alhamdulillah...I was actually wearing THE special sash any graduate would love to wear...Even some graduates was teasing with the convo staff if there were extras to be worn so they could have it...hehee...

It was at that moment I wanted to cry too and thought...Reenaz, you're here...you have finally realised your dream to be one of the best and you did it! Your inspiration was your son and with support from hubby and family..and here you are...you were finally being recognized for it...that...was the best moment of my convocation....

After that, everyone wanted to take a picture of me cause I wore THE sash, was kind of embarassing actually but some were telling, why be shy about it cause they'd die to have one on. True...but it was awkward cause here I am, was always the average student during bachelor studies, always envying people who did well during my bachelor convocation and wishing I didn't play too much...and here I am one of them...ya Allah, I am so thankful to you..syukur sangat2x....

After the many taking pictures moment, we actually were walking...and even running at some point...the convocation or in malay "Istiadat Konvokesyen" was about to start...now, that was something to worry about now...and that is another continuation as I need to take a eat....sayonara and till we meet again...

Ridhwan dear....mama's anugerah ijazah sarjana cemerlang is for you...ganbatte Ridhwan!!

Hari convocation ku....

2007-05-28T23:37:00.000+08:00

Had to be the best day in my life after my wedding day...will write more about it soon! So check it out ya....

Esok convo! Woohoo!

2007-05-23T14:46:00.000+08:00

Can't believe it, the day I have been waiting for all this while has finally arrived...no, not my wedding day, that was nearly 4 years ago already..wow nearly 4 years yea..anyway, its my convocation!! yahoo...my masters degree convocation...wow, and to think that I used to envy some of my friends who have their masters already or ex-colleagues who had them..and now, alhamdulillah its my turn! Its really mine at last! Heehee...

Though, the biggest highlight for me tomorrow would be receiving my scroll from the newly elected agung! Waaah! It seems UiTM's chancellor is the Agung and it so happens that I am receiving it from the newly elected Sultan Terengganu who is now the new Agung. Partly I must say I'm excited about it but part of me says "great, here goes the tedious and long boring ceremony that I have to endure.." ..Hehe! Yes, I just hate these protocols. Can't we just get down to business!! But oh well, not everyday you get to see the Agung right and a new one pulak tu. So, I should be enjoying myself there tomorrow, Insya-Allah.

But the most special highlight of the day is when I take a photo of myself with my son, as if it is not beacuse of him I might not even be having a convo as I'd have quited long time ago...So, this convocation and mama's scroll is especially dedicated for you Ridhwan! Your strength, your patience have made me decide to complete my masters and alhamdulillah with flying colours too...if it wasn't to show and prove to Ridhwan that at times of hardship we must be patience and do our best and most of all complete what you have stared..I would have not finished this Msc at all...so, darling Ridhwan, this is for you!!

So, tomorrow by 8 am I'll be at Dewan Sri Budiman, UiTM waiting for my turn to go up to the stage to receive my scroll from the Agung. Hopefully it'll be a good day and what better way to celebrate the convo with my parents, my dearest hubby and darling son. Yea! Yea! Esok convo...

I'm graduating! Yahoo!!

2007-03-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

The letter has finally arrived!!!...actually not even a letter, its a convocation booklet, ceh...why couldn't they just give a formal letter...nie mesti nak jimat duit punyer pasal..oh well, I can't be bothered about that cause it tells me that I'll be having my masters graduation soon! Alhamdulillah sangat2x...yippee! and at that point when I was reading the booklet, I kept telling myself...my dear, you actually have a masters degree and you completed it! You actually completed it! After all the hardship you had to go through, the whole family actually had to endure it...you actually proved yourself that you could do it...ya Allah, bersyukur sangat2x...so here I'd like to mention some names that have always been there throughout my studies this 2 years, where they have been my sole support in time of my darkest studies hours and also an inspiration....and so here it goes, first, to my father, your determination and confidence in me have been a source of inspiration, if it wasn't your faith towards me, I would have quited my masters long time ago, and now I truly see why you are such a great man and most importantly, a great scientist, I may not say this much to you but I love and respect you so much!...next to my wonderful mother, your patience and love was something Ridhwan and I have been showered so many times and till today it has not once diminish, and I love you for that, I love you mama! you know i do, hehee...and the next very important person in my life.. my husband, my love, my hope, my support and most of all my strength.. your faith and confidence in me at times when I kept giving up during my studies has made me stand up every time I fall down, your constant encouragement and support, like printing, arranging papers and even handing over the assignments, is something that I can never repay abang... and for that my darling, you are the greatest men and husband a wife can ever have, I love you my love!!...next, to my brother and sis-in law for their concerns and encouragement, thank you so much for being there for me, oh, not forgetting the twins, hehee..and also very important people in my life, my grandparents and my aunts and uncle, who've been very concern and updating themseleves in my studies progress, I love you all and your prayers is very much appreciated...and finally my wonderful friends, first Ainil, every chatting session with you have been really wonderful and your understanding in my situation helped me a lot, thanks ainil, love ya....and not forgetting one very good friend whom I've known ever since I entered UIA and have been a real inspiration to me, my dear friend, Izan...your advice and constant encouragement to me was one of the reason I never gave up...thanks Chiya, love ya too! I doa that you will achieve the best in your current Phd. which is finishing soon...ganbatte chiya!

To all who have been there to give me words of wisdom and encouragement on and off, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart...thank you and may Allah bless you....

Blogging again and Glenn on my mind...

2007-03-08T22:28:00.000+08:00

Gosh, its been such a long time I've not written in this blog of mine....been so busy attending to ridhwan that I totally forgot that this blog existed..hehe..also, when i tried to post something here, they told me that my blog was spam! spam??? what do you mean spam??!! anyway, thanks blogger for un-spamming my blog very fast...thank god my blog wasn't ban or something....

Anyway, I've been doing more reading lately and also watching TV too...hehe..i'm now a TV addict...No! No! However, I can say that I'm watching less TV and more reading now, yes only now, recently..insya-Allah, hehee..can't help having ASTRO kan...maybe should ban it when we move out later...hahaha....but reading is good as I need to read a lot to help ridhwan and his condition and I've been reading glenn doman's book AND I soooo recommend to every parent out there looking for a good book to help your child be it normal or brain-injured ones, as called by Glenn Doman. His books are just wonderful! So, you book junkies out there or thinking of starting to read a book especially on parenting I would highly recommend Glenn Doman's book. The whole set of them! I've acquired 3 so far but reading one book first as it will help a lot to stimulate ridhwan and achieve his potential...yup, potential, in Glenn Doman's book, he mentions that every child has a potential to be great and achieve wonderful things, and that applies to normal children and also brain-injured ones too. He also gave me hope, something, that doctors have not been giving me at all ever since Ridhwan was diagnosed as microcephaly and cerebal palsy...

You see, when your child has cerebral palsy or down syndrome or hydrocephalic and so forth, most doctors would be your worst enemy by saying or giving you no hope at all that your child will ever be a normal kid or as normal as he should..though alhamdulillah my paed and especially our rehab doctor have given us lots of hope but not enough..hmm..sound like a kiasu mother lah pulak yea....but u can't help it actually...i mean, as a person who has learn science, heck was in science stream pun and did science work..sort of, hehee...well, you can't help wondering when you read so many articles or journals and they keep mentioning about the other percentage usage of the brain..the percentage that is not being used by us, so called-normal people...if they keep claiming that there are parts of the brain that have not been uncovered till now, then, couldn't there be the possibility of that part of the brain being able to be tapped for those who are called brain-injured ...as an example my own son

With that in mind, I kept praying and hoping..yes, for a mother to a special need child, hope is very important and most of all doa...yes, hoping that maybe, that by any chance that ridhwan may lead a very normal life and be able to walk, talk, run and have a family of his own...and i mean not with another brain-injured person but maybe, yes maybe, a normal girl like me or any other girl out there...good ones, that is, hehee, kecik lagik and mama dia dah very protective ...so, you just can't help wanting and wishing that, and also you tend to seek anything out there that may give that hope and chance...and I actually did..

I first came to know about Glenn Doman and his great work when my dad was surfing away on the internet about ridhwan and things we could do to help him..and this was way before ridhwan was even one years old...and there by chance, my dad came upon a very interesting website called the Institute of Achievement of Human Potential in Philadelhpia, USA. And so I read about the website and was amazed at what some of the brain injured children has achieved with themselves through the insititute, and I read more and more in the website and suddenly notice that one picture was showing a child holding onto a monkey bar or actually called a brachiation ladder..and was just enjoying herself, smilling away and hanging away(like a monkey, sorry to say)..and I thought, wow, imagine that, this 'baby' and I mean a "baby" could do that?? and I just starred in awe...then I looked again..and I started thinking, with my not-much knowledge on brain injured children at that time, and told myself..if i wouldn't know better, the child or baby looked very much like a down syndrome child...and I looked again..and I could have sworn it WAS a down child...and thought, if it was a down child, my god, that's amazing!! I mean, I knew that most down children would have some physical problems just like cerebral palsy(CP) child have and if I was right..she could hang onto the ladder without any help??!!! Seriously??? And that started the search for the institute...

However, I was sort of dissapointed that the institute only had their branches everywhere else but malaysia...and so that made me thought, hmm, that's the end of my so called search for hope in malaysia...I even thought of migrating to the US and heck, why not even continue my Phd. there! Ya right, well not exactly ya right cause I had to think about lots of other circumstances of making that decision of migrating to the US and also money was something we don't have much at that time...but of course, when it comes to your child, you'd try very hard and think up of every way to give the best to you child. And so, I decided, finish up my masters first lah, complete it once and for all to show to Ridhwan that what you've started you should end it and end it in the best way possible, alhamdulillah, 'that', I've completed and proved to Ridhwan that no matter how hard it was for me and probably for himself too, that I prevailed...alhamdulillah...

As have been told and taught so many times to me, doa is the most powerful thing to a muslim and so I prayed very hard that one day, insya-Allah some way or somehow I will find a place or hope to help Ridhwan to be as normal as can be...and as they say, doa mak tu dimakbulkan, my auntie introduced me to this place called Nury Institute. The institute was doing some of Glenn Doman's program or work and as my knowledge of Glenn's program or method was very minimal and also trying to juggle masters at the same time, I decided to forgo the program first. Also, they had these parenting course which was on weekends every month and so happened that all my classes was on weekends...darn...though, as they say, semuanya ada hikmahnya...after completing my masters, I finally, yes finally had the opportunity to participate in the parenting course...and as much as I regret for enrolling so late as Ridhwan is already a year plus, I am so thankful that I've found Nury....The parenting course was just great!!...and here again, I'd recommend to all parents to enrol in them in what I must say quite affordable and comprehensive parenting course I've ever been..so okay, maybe I haven't attended much parenting course but compared to the japanese method that I've been attending, I must say, Nury's parenting course is a real eye-opener and also it does not only caters normal children but most importantly, it reaches out to parents to special needs children or as Glenn would say it, brain-injured children...

As I took part in the course which was held two days from morning to evening, I found out that, Nury has been applying every program and method of Glenn's and the head of Nury herself is very close to him! Ya Allah, my prayers have been answered!! I've finally found something and some place that I could do something about Ridhwan's condition and Insya-Allah, Ridhwan may just be able to do what all the normal children are able to do....and for that my search had actually ended...but the journey has just begun...but with the journey...i found hope...hope that at one point was lost...hope is something we special needs children parents cling to and craved for...and I so understand that....if we don't have hope, we can't appreciate everything in our life today and live our life as if there is no tomorrow...and I HOPE that with this new journey which may be difficult or easier that I will be strong and have lots of patience...wallahualam...

Lots and lots of equipments!!

2007-02-13T09:30:00.000+08:00

What equipments? Ridhwan's 'toys' as I call it is gonna put a dent in our savings but every penny of it is worth it as its for Ridhwan's development, all in all with the standing frame, corner chair, AFO and wedge it will be amounted to around more than 2K! Yikes, yup, that's how much all those things will cost and THAT is considered cheap mind you...so for that, my hubby and I have decided that we will put on hold any renovation or moving out to our new house as money is quite tight for us at the moment. Besides, money spend on ridhwan and his development is much more important. We thought that we could use the saving for the house as much as we could but slowly I do see the trend that as times goes by Ridhwan would need certain equipments as to speed up his development and that is very important for him. Also, there will be a new centre that we plan to go to which hopefully will help Ridhwan to speed up his development further, insya-Allah...tapi tu lah yea, kita merancang Allah yang menentukannya kan...like for example, my hubby and I planned to move into our new house and make it into a weekend home as a get away once in a while kan or actually every weekend but for now it doesn't seem that feasible...maybe not these few months maybe..but kita tak tahu kan, sometimes fate has a twist and maybe my hubby will win some cash competition or something!! hahaha..ya right, anyway, this is where I am thankful that I have learned the hard way or easy way, not so sure about this, but learn to be thankful with what I have and that include money..hehe..

When I first quit my job I must admit I was worried about not getting a monthly salary in my bank...I was even thinking, what I am going to do with no money to even buy a magazine..hehe...ke situ I fikir yea...but actually kan, its not too bad with no monthly income cause it really teaches you to be thrifty and that teaches me the value of being grateful with what you have...as a woman, you know you tend to love shopping, hehee...or is it me alone, no its not just me, its woman's nature to love shopping and spend...which sometimes is good but mostly bad if you tend to splurge on things you don't really need...also, I admit, once, I did envy friends who are working who seems to have no worries at all to spend on lots of things during sales or at any time especially those who are not married yet or have children..but then i realised that I don't really need and want those things that they have or buy them, as I am happy with what I have and that again goes back to the teaching of Islam that says bersyukur dengan apa yang ada and hidup dalam kesederhanaan...which is soooo true....sometimes you tend to think twice again when questions are raised asking how are you going to juggle savings when hubby is the only breadwinner in the family and there are so much things the money needs to be used for especially in the case of Ridhwan and a new house...but then I believe that it would be okay, alhamdulillah my mom survived not working and was living on my dad's money alone and we all turned out fine alhamdulillah..and also, I believe in rezeki, kalau ada rezeki tak akan ke mana, rezeki ridhwan has been very murah lately and I am thankful to Allah for that. As much as I crack my head thinking that there are a lot of money need to be used for ridhwan's development but it's so worth it as it is for my son and right now my son is more important than any career or money. I also realised that there will never be a time when you will say that money is enough already, and you'll actually keep wanting more of it...when you have reached that amount of salary you thought would be enough, you'd say I still want more, so I'll work for it, then, when you have achieved it, you tell yourself again, no, i still need more, it's still not enough...then the cycle will continue again and again and you will feel that the money will never be enough....and so once, I was actually thinking it that way..but when you decide, whatever you already have is actually enough, it may be not much but truthfully we're very okay and happy, then you see that being thankful with what you have and making the best of what you have makes you happier and more content...that, I must thank my mom for making me see that money may never be enough but its how you manage it and use it for good use that makes you thankful for everything that is with you...thank you mama...I guess that's why we always see on TV that there are families with large number of children but not exactly rich but very happy and children are all doing well too...that's where syukur comes in kan...

With that also, I truly see now how some women have devoted their time and effort for their special needs child as they believe that the one person that can help the child realise their dream especially in their condition is their mother...and as glenn doman wrote in his book, the oldest and most honorable profession in the world is mothering..and interesting enough, he wrote, professional mothers are fulltime mothers who approach their work with the same passion and dedication that other top-flight professionals devote to being engineers, doctors, lawyers and so forth. Hmm....in this new era and modern world, not many people see this anymore and with the state of living now, Its often that we see that women tend to go out and work but slowly after reading doman's book, I see again why mother's in the old days stayed at home more and nurture their children themselves...so i hope I'll be able to do that Insya-Allah and be the best mother to Ridhwan, insya-Allah...

So to all housewife mother's out there, you guys are the greatest and to all working mothers out there, i salute you for juggling a career and motherhood together...and so mummies, i give you a biiiig hug for being a wonderful mother you are! Hugs!!!

Every day....

2007-01-18T08:48:00.000+08:00

Everyday when you on your pc or laptop, which websites do you visit first? ...hmmm...I was thinking of that question when asked by my friend in the forwarded emails recently...and so here it is...as usual, as soon as I on my laptop my yahoo messenger will automatically be logged in..then I'd open my Mozilla Firefox browser and immediately the page will show the main yahoo website...then off to the yahoo mail to check my mails, which has a few accounts too..heehee...then control T a few times to open more windows, usually one for friendster, one for my blog here :P and lastly, one to view family and friends fotopages...yup...that's about the routine everyday or whenever I on my laptop...hehee..so, happy browsing to me and happy browsing to everyone out there! Ciao!

Ridhwan and the standing frame

2007-01-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

Last Tuesday, we had our weekly physiotherapy session with Sarjit at SJMC. As usual we'd reach there earlier so we can get good parking and also I had to eat breakfast first as it was so embarassing that my tummy was grumbling away in one of the previous physio session with Sarjit. Either she didn't hear it or just ignored. Heehee...Nevertheless, I myself can't help her much with physio if I was darn hungry before the session...hehe..and so MUST have breakfast before the session. Besides, with all the rushing and packing and feeding before going for our weekly physio, I usually end up not even drinking any water not even plain water whenever I reached the physio department. So, breakfast for mama before Ridhwan's physio..heheee

Anyway, as usually Ridhwan would be greeted by the ever friendly therapist at the physiotherapy department...did u know, that there are many types of therapy, i mean occupational, physio, speech, vision and so forth...and all this while I've only heard of physio only...well, back to the story, as usual I'd be pushing Ridhwan to the paeds therapy room which is sound proofed to ensure that the child does not get distracted during the session. Trust me, Ridhwan heard other children voices once when the door was left open for awhile, he just couldn't be bothered to listen to what Sarjit asked him to do...hehee..then again, he usually doesn't want to listen to what Sarjit asked pun...hahaha...oh well, wonderful child he is....

well, this time, or actually this was the 3rd time, Ridhwan was placed on the standing frame to help him strengthen his legs and also to stimulate his senses especially on the legs..you see, Ridhwan is still unable to stand properly and he is already 19 months old which is one year and 7 months...and so, unlike other children or toddlers his age, he should be able to stand right now and running around wildly learning that he has a pair of legs to move around...but he doesn't...and its okay cause he is of course very special ;o) However, I realise that he did enjoy the standing frame a lot and was not crying or in any pain which is very good as Sarjit mentioned that different children may react differently and may even hate the standing frame...but alhamdulillah, Ridhwan loves it and realise a whole new view for him to explore..sian anak mama, dia nak sangat duduk and diri and move around tapi tak terdaya lagi yea...takpa ridhwan, kita usaha sama2x nanti insya-Allah Ridhwan akan reach your milestones gak you...mama akan doa banyak2x to fulfill your dreams tu, insya-Allah....

And so the standing frame would be used in our weekly therapy where the amount of time given to Ridhwan to stand using the standing frame would be increased gradually...so initially, it has been 10 minutes and that is actually very good progress as I am told! Alhamdulillah...

However, then there is the issue of, maybe he should use it everyday! Aiyaak...yup, it means we would probably need to purchase it and place it at home so he may have the opportunity of doing the therapy everyday instead of once a week only at SJMC...then there is the issue of the price! Fiuh....but so far, we've asked our ever sweet dear rehab Dr. and alhamdulillah the frame is still affordable, Insya-Allah...but I am slowly seeing the trend that we may need to purchase other equipments as ridhwan gets older and depends on his progress...and that sorts of making me scared as currently I'm enjoying my leisure time at home taking care of ridhwan..

Though the real truth is...I love staying at home and the truth is, I would rather sacrifice my career and time for Ridhwan as the joy of staying at home and being a housewife is not that bad..well, not yet kot cause still staying with parents and they have a servant kan..hehee..but then again, I always felt that Ridhwan needs me more and yes, we do need the money...but insya-Allah I always doa and feel that rezeki tu akan datang jugak, and ada nanti and slowly we will ikhtiar somehow no matter what...and right now, what's important is that I am there for ridhwan and I am doing what I should be doing for my special needs son...and insya-Allah ada nanti rezeki tu nanti kan....so, pray that Ridhwan selalu murah rezeki and that he will stand soon when he starts using the standing frame everyday ya!

Tengah nak pakai kan velcro yang sungguh banyak

Sarjit placing the velcro at all appropriate places

Okay, Ridhwan is standing! Yippee!!

Yea! Yea! I can play with the tambourine! ..Apa lah yang Sarjit tak puas hati tu...hehee

This is how the standing frame and its accompanying table looks like side view...the orange crab is from IKEA and its one of Ridhwan's favourite toys ;o)

Kasih sayang ...

2007-01-17T13:52:00.000+08:00

I remember listening to this song in the car with my hubby and I after Shichida class...I never really listened to the lyrics before, but I knew it was written by arwah Zairi in Raihan...but that day when I actually listened to the lyrics, I actually cried...the song is very simple and yet the lyrics is very meaningful...I don't know why I actually cried but I guess after all that has happened to me the songs really made sense to me... so I dedicate this song to all my friends out there with the message, love one another, forgive one another and most of all love the almighty endlessly...wallahualam..

Kasih Sayang
by Raihan

Kasih sayang itu titi
Kasih sayang penghubung hati
Kasih sayang itu tali
Kasih sayang pengikat diri

Dari kasih timbul simpati
Dengan sayang ada persaudaraan
Kerana kasih ingin berbakti
Saling sayang ma'af mema'afkan

Kasih sayang itu baja
Kasih sayang penyubur jiwa
Kasih sayang itu penawar
Penguat cinta penghapus duka

Kasih manusia sering bermusim
Sayang manusia tiada abadi
Kasih TUHAN tiada bertepi
Sayang TUHAN janji-NYA pasti

Tanpa kasih sayang TUHAN
Tiada simpati tiada persaudaraan
Tanpa kasih sayang TUHAN
Tiada bakti tiada kema'afan

Kasih sayang pada semua
Kasih sayang sesama kita
Kasih sayang oooo dunia
Moga selamat di Akhirat sana

Feeling lost at times...

2007-01-12T10:52:00.000+08:00

You know, as a mother of a child who has microcephaly and is considered cerebral palsy, I always wonder about mothers out there whith similar situations like me or some even worse...and I always wonder when I feel so down and lost at times...are they feeling the same too? Or are they feeling even worse or are they taking it all calmly..truthfully lah kan, no matter how calm I may seem at times, I panic too and I freak out and god knows, how I worry like mad when it comes to Ridhwan's situation...sometimes, I can't help being lost and in a dazed with what to do with Ridhwan...especially these days as it is slowly sinking into my head that Ridhwan needs more than just the normal physio or OT he goes through every week but he also needs equipments...he actually need a standing frame...I know it will take some time and less I hope, for Ridhwan to finally be able to support himself by standing and eventually walking around..but for now...he needs a standing frame...and truthfully my friends, deep down, I am sort of crying as I wish he didn't have to have such equipment and would be able to run around like any other children his age...somtimes, I must admit, it really takes real strength to see my friends children who are normal and who can run, and play and grasp things and not telling myself I wish Ridhwan was like that....but then, I'm glad I don't say that or feel that way much or often as Shichida method helped me a lot by appreciating our or my child as who he is and how he is.... but sometimes, this mother to a wonderful boy can't help crying or feeling lost when it comes to seeing ridhwan in situations that I wish so much will just stop...and this is about the reflux that he keeps getting whenever he drinks...it just breaks my heart each time he looks as if everything inside his throat or stomach is pushing itself out his throat..it is as if some alien thing is forcing itself to come out from his throat...sob...sob....gosh, this must be one of those days when I feel so vulnerable with anything....but sometimes, when I feel lost like this (and oh ya..it is that time of the month pun..hehe), I would go and get my strength back by visiting a very special website about a very pretty young girl called Kaylee, link to Kaylee's Palace. She too has microcephaly but she now has progress and improved so much that I admire her mother's strength and commitment to her in achieving her milestones one by one...way to go Kaylee and keep it up Kaylee's mummy! A section in the website that I always like to read when I feel down is this :

Coping With Finding Out That Your Child Has Microcephaly

This is most likely going to be the hardest time of your life. You need to remember that it will get easier. It's pretty unimaginable when you are in the situation. Doctors are constantly informing you of the worst case scenario's for your child. Remember that the doctors don't know everything and certainly cannot predict your child's future. Kaylee has already proven the doctors wrong numerous times! Try to surround yourself with friends and family. Sometimes you will feel like you are the only one that understands what you are going through. I joined the Yahoo Microcephaly Group and there are a lot of parents on there that will understand exactly where you are coming from! They have helped me a lot and I have met a lot of wonderful people. Don't forget to take care of yourself. You have to be your child's advocate and if you don't take care of yourself then no one will be left to take care of your child! God has already written the book of life for your child...remember whatever happens is meant to be and you can't do anything to change it! The main thing to remember is that it will get easier!

Whenever I read this, it makes me feel alive again that there are mothers out there with simillar situations as I am in or even worse and each are doing their best to make ends meet as easy as possible. Also, it gives me a wake up call again that I can't afford to slack or laze around at all...you know, when you work, well when I was working last time, if I just get sick of my work I'd just on my mp3 or start chatting with friends to loose some steam as they call it...but with raising a child and a special needs child, you'd realise there's no such things as slacking or lazing around as time is so precious to you and every moment and second spend on playing, talking and exercising him is a step further for him to reach his milestones ..I guess in a way sometimes that is why I feel so lost at times about time for myself and also for friends...lost with the priority of time for ridhwan or for myself, but as Kaylee's mom says, I have to take care of myself as I'm the only thing Ridhwan has now, without me Ridhwan is not able to do anything, without me he may be lost...I am his world and there is no one more imprtant to him now but me and the same for me...and for that I can't be lost...or lost in translation..hehee..like the movie...or just like Lost the TV series...but then when I think about the word lost again, am i really lost? or am i in denial...denial to the fact that I must always remember reality isn't that great but no matter what happens I'll get over it...and that there's a wonderful rainbow waiting for me and Ridhwan out there..waiting to shine brightly with beautiful colours in our life...wallahaualam...all I know, I must never stop praying to Allah..and believe in myself and most of all Ridhwan....Ridhwan...mama sorry if mama is lost at times...but sometimes mama pressure with things that happens or is happening around me...mama is sometimes overwhelmed with duty as a wife, a mother, a daughter and also as a friend..sometimes when everyone expects to much of mama, mama gets lost...lost in my world of lostness...hehee...no such word actually...so sayang, be strong for yourself and insya-Allah mama try to be strong for myself too kay....lets not be lost anymore...let us be heroes...hehee..like the new TV series...

I love you Ridhwan....mmmmuaaaah!

Before I was a mum poem...this is so true ;o)

2007-01-08T20:23:00.000+08:00

Before I was a Mum
by Balqish(taken from Friendster)

Before I was a Mum
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mum,
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got
into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mum
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot
words of lullabies.

Before I was a Mum
I didnt worry whether or not my plants
were poisonous. I never thought of
immunizations

Before I was a Mum
I had never been puked on
Pooped on
Spit on
Chewed on
Peed on
Or pinched by tiny fingers

Before I was a Mum I had complete control of
My Thoughts
My Body
And my mind.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mum
I never held down a screaming child so
that doctors could do tests
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a
simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mum
I never held a sleeping baby just
because I didnt want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a
million pieces when I couldnt stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone
so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mum.

Before I was a Mum
I didnt know the feeling of having my
heart outside my body.

A new year..a new hope..

2007-01-03T15:57:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah it is now 2007....A new year...new events to happen...new memories to be cherished and remembered and who knows new friends to meet too..wallahualam...to me, the year 2006 has been a very eventful year for me..it starts with the starting of a new 2nd semester for me at UiTM to complete my Masters in Computer Science..with a heavy heart I enrolled myself in the classes again when my heart was longing to just stay at home and be with ridhwan as he needs me more than my classes or lecturers..however, 2nd semester in UiTM have been fruitful and results were flying colours alhamdulillah..then it was the anticipated wedding of the year for me and between my close friends, Loges' wedding....At last, after years of knowing a man called Hak Jing, Loges has finally bid goodbye to her bachelorhood and embracing marriage life..the wedding was wonderful despite many obstacles for me to attend but all in all it was a wedding to be remembered as all of my good friends were there to enjoy it....then it was another anticipated wedding of the year which was Jes' wedding...a good friend from UIA which will always have a special place in my heart...hidup 606! ...the wedding was really looked forward, for it was the first wedding that Ridhwan attended to and the joy of meeting Kak Nani and Bet after such a long time was indescribable...love u gals..and still missing you gals a lot...it was also nice to see many of my UIA frens happily married and some with their children..wow...we are all so...grown up! hehee....then of course my darling son's one year birthday...after all the hurdle he had to go through when he was only 4 days old, he was alhamdulillah 1 years old on 2nd June 2006...looking back to the days when he was in the ICU for 10 days and then later warded for another 11 days...and the thought that I was actually in confinement at that time...I thank Allah so much for giving me strength and hope during that time..and most of all, I thank Allah for having such a wonderful husband and family members who were always there for me at times when I juts fell my world was about to crush in pieces....so ridhwan's birthday was a day of hope and happiness for us and also for ridhwan himself too I'm sure...

However, despite all good things, there were incidents that brought tears and pain...just right after ridhwan's birthday the worse had yet to come...ridhwan had pneumonia :( and to top it all, he had to undergo a gastrostomy surgery at his stomach...the thought of having a button or tube in his stomach until god knows when, scared me to bits at that time and yet I had to admit that Ridhwan was having feeding difficulty and his weight gain was static for a few months already..with a heavy heart I had to sign the papers to authorise the surgery..the very thought that I had to sign the papers still haunts me as I was the one giving the authorisation at that time..and when that happened I only had my mom with me and was longing that my hubby was there too...but, Allah had been with me all the time, and alhamdulillah gave me strength to endure those moments with patience and hope...the surgery was dreadful..emotionally that is...physically, only Ridhwan would know...till now, I don't know when the g-tube will be out of his body or specifically stomach...the surgeon said it could last him till years....as in till 10 years or less I pray..but for now, the reality is there, Ridhwan is relying nearly 100% on the tube for his feeding but no matter what, I will and must feed him through his mouth to ensure eventually he will eat on his own using his mouth..amin..amin.. then, of course, the hurdle to finish my last semester in UiTM during which Ridhwan had just undergone his surgery was a real test for me...there were so many times I was on the verge of just quiting my masters cause I felt so bad having to leave him at home and the thought of him reflux every time feeding brought tears to me every time I left him at home...wishing I was there to wipe of the phlagm or water that came out of his mouth...and then, there was also the pressure to complete the assignments and do well as previous semester...enduring datelines and the icky special topics we were all suddenly compulsory to complete it...but alhamdullilah, I overcomed it with pain, tears and smiles in the end :D ....

This year, will be an exciting year insya-Allah as I am now a fulltime housewife and mother to my wondeful hubby and son...and it should be even great as we will be moving to our new house soon, Insya-Allah..so the excitement of choosing furnitures and all will be great though one must not forget, we will have to be ala kadar as we are only relying on my hubby now...our bread winner...but as I always believed, semua ada hikmahnya kan...there's a reason things happens to you and its like a big lesson for you and its up to you wether you learn it or you'll learn the lesson over and over again and get another lesson after that..but with new or old lessons, it makes you a stronger person and appreciate life more..wallahualam...another event that scares me this year, would be deciding Ridhwan's tube...to continue it or change it to another brand...as it is, looks like it may still be in ridhwan's stomach for now but the brand may be changed...but the very thought of Ridhwan going into the operating theatre again makes me shiver the whole body and sometimes makes me cry a tear...but that is something I have to deal with when the time comes and may Allah be with me, in strength and in faith...

This year also anticipates lots of therapy for ridhwan..lots of visits to SJMC, from our OT and also visits to Ijok for traditional massages...but as they say, kita ikhtiar, insya-Allah ada jalan nya nanti kan....wallahualam....then the decision to do the translation course...a decision that have yet to be decided as the thought of leaving my mom and ridhwan for 11 days...h..m..payah gak tu..will see how...decisions..oh decisions...

But as years goes by...you do thank Allah that you are still alive now despite the hurdles you had and will go through kan...the thought that you still have fingers to type on your keyboard on this blog and eyes to see the blog ....thank you Allah for giving me these gifts...you start thinking that sometimes you may take for granted these senses that was given to you by god...thinking or taking for granted that it all came from the brain to move the fingers, to see the wordings and interpreting it using the brain...wallahualam....that is something that I learned the hard way after Ridhwan's seizures when he was 4 days old...but tu lah kan, semuanya ada hikmah kan... also, when I read my good friend's blog about the death of her friend that left a son and husband...I start thinking again about how we have taken granted about our life here on earth...that we will never know when is our time...so I started thinking again that it wasn't worth it to go on feeling scared or sad with difficulties I have to endure but instead embrace it with an open and willing heart...and in my friend's blog that made me even think more is how true that we should never forget the people who are still living today and forgive one another as we'd never know when is our time and when would we ever see our friend again..who would ever know the person whom you just spoke to today will never be able to speak to you again tomorrow, or a friend you haven't met in years and met only a month ago will leave you forever the next day...and maybe you didn't have the time to say I love you, I thank you for being my friend or even, I'm sorry...and so, as my friend wrote in her blog, I too would like to ask for forgiveness to all the people that I have known should I have hurt their feelings, behave badly or ignored them as I am only human and as human we are prone to mistakes...but no matter what, the friendship that I have with all of you will always be remembered and cherished no matter how many times we meet these days or even call...as time goes by, priorities differ and responsibilities may accumulate but the friendship will never be forgotten or taken for granted cause once a friendship has been establish you keep to it no matter what unless death do us part....so my dear friends, to all of you, no matter how busy I may seem as a mother to a special needs child or as wife to a husband, the love and care for all of you never diminished or forgotten..and so may god be with you always and may our friendship last forever, lets forget the past and look forward to the future togethere, Insya-Allah...and to my family, I love you all very much and I thank Allah so much for giving me you especially at times of sorrow and definitely not forgetting in happiness...

Year 2007, I look forward to a great year...and so...Happy New Year!!